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Best Answer smithgirl , 23 March 2017 - 09:26 AM

A great big thank you to everyone who gave me such fantastic and helpful commentary! I think I'm in a position to submit this to agents now. Best!

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#61 Chuck_Spragins


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Posted 10 April 2017 - 11:03 AM

I think this needs quite a bit of work. As I see it, the main problem is that there are too many MCs. You want to make it easy for the agent. When she has to ask herself "Which one was it that had the previous relationship with Althea?" and "Which one does this 'he' refer to?" you make it difficult.


It is hard enough to write a good query with only one MC, much less three. I suggest that you chose the one that is critical to your core story and write the query from his perspective (assuming that it is either J or H). That way Althea becomes an "ex" or "previous relationship" and either Jack or Henry become "partner". 


I know how difficult that is because I had the same problem with my query. Maybe I still do. Perhaps you could take a look and let me know what you think. It's called RIVER PLATE BASIN.


Hope this helps.



For two decades Jack and Henry have shared an open relationship What exactly is an open relationship? marred only by Jack’s history with his ex-girlfriend, Althea. I don't know what an open relationship is, but it makes me think that Jack's history should not be a problem. That makes this sentence confusing to me. What happened between them intrudes upon the most intimate crevices of Jack’s life. and wWith time Althea comes to haunt Henry, too. So when he meets her one night he steps into her bed one night, thinking he’s leaving Jack safe in the dark. will never find out,. But what he’s really done is he creates a new secret that could destroy everything. This first paragraph is too busy. The hook is diluted.


But Jack isn’t as safe word choice - clueless perhaps as Henry thought. As desperate as he This is confusing. I have to read the sentence a couple of times to be sure which "he" you are talking about. is to learn Althea’s secret, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. When Henry gets her side of the story he plans to leave her for good, but before he can Althea steals Jack’s number from his phone. When her call to Jack reveals Henry’s role in the affair, the inconceivable happens. I do not understand why it is "inconceivable." They have an open relationship, issues surrounding Althea haunt them, and Henry has been with Althea and he feels the need to hide this from Jack. It seems only natural that Jack would split if he found out. Jack leaves Henry’s apartment and changes his phone number. He doesn’t come back.

You begin this pararaph with the idea that Jack is not as safe as Henry thought. Without explaining what "safe" means, you move on to other things, leaving the reader wondering.


Heartbroken and abandoned, Henry allows Althea to draw him into an abusive, mutually hateful relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health. He recognizes signs of an imminent breakdown and through a mutual friend he learns that Jack is in a similar condition. Henry knows he and Jack need each other to get out of this spiral. The question is whether they can ever reconnect to make that happen.


Love is a 100,000-word adult literary novel. [closing stuff]

#62 Jean Oram

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 10:50 AM

Topic locked as per requested by smithgirl. (She's received the feedback she needed.)


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