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Absolution (YA Contemp)

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#21 Saints

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 08:51 AM

Updated Draft: 3/13/17:

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

[Concise sentence on why I’m querying them specifically.]

 

Winning the national championship is the one realistic opportunity Dustin Esposito has left to get noticed. (Again, there's something about this hook that I wish was stronger. Can't put my finger on it though.) Plagued by memories of his failure on soccer’s global stage, the college senior finds his future is filled with question marks. Wanting nothing more than a professional career, crippling anxiety convinces him there is no chance—that missing a penalty in the U-17 World Cup six years ago saw to that. (This sentece feels a little clunky/long. Is there any way it can be slimmed down?) Royally screwing up in front of scouts in last season’s semifinal sealed the coffin.

 

Off the pitch, his parents proceed through a bitter divorce. His mom stands next to a new man at Dustin’s games; his dad balances being a scorned lover and the family mediator. Thank God he still has his friends.

 

As team captain, he wants his teammates to succeed where he’s failed. The season progresses from win to win and it’s soon clear the scouts are watching. Giving his brothers on the pitch a chance to play professionally will be Dustin’s legacy; they’re talented and deserve the world. But the rumor is they’re watching him, too. If he can conquer his internal demons with the same confidence he projects for his teammates, maybe he’s got a shot after all. (Love the stakes being laid out here, good job.)

 

ABSOLUTION is a 77,000 word young adult contemporary novel centered on new adult-aged characters, much like Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl. The story should appeal to readers who appreciate the sport and human drama of Friday Night Lights, mixed with the vibrant friendships of New Girl.

 

I have provided the requested [info], and a full manuscript is available upon request.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,



#22 Linnet_Crawford

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 10:30 AM

Great job! Much cleaner than the earlier versions. Just a couple ideas to smooth the flow and clarify pronouns

Updated Draft: 3/13/17:

 

Dear [Agent]

 

[Concise sentence on why I’m querying them specifically.]

 

Winning the national championship is the one realistic opportunity Dustin Esposito has left to get noticed. Plagued by memories of his failure on soccer’s global stage, the college senior finds his future is filled with question marks. Wanting nothing more than a professional career, crippling anxiety convinces him there is no chance—that missing a penalty in the U-17 World Cup six years ago saw to that. Royally screwing up in front of scouts in last season’s semifinal sealed the coffin.

 

Off the pitch, his parents proceed through a bitter divorce. His mom stands next to a new man at Dustin’s games; his dad balances being a scorned lover and the family mediator. Thank God he Dustin still has his friends.

 

As team captain, he wants his teammates to succeed where he’s failed. The season progresses from win to win and it’s soon clear the scouts are watching. Giving his brothers on the pitch a chance to play professionally will be Dustin’s legacy; they’re talented and deserve the world. But the rumor is they’re the scouts are watching him, too. If he can conquer his internal demons with the same confidence he projects for his teammates, maybe he’s got a shot after all. Great!!

 

ABSOLUTION is a 77,000 word young adult contemporary novel centered on new adult-aged characters, much like Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl. The story should appeal to readers who appreciate the sport and human drama of Friday Night Lights, mixed with the vibrant friendships of New Girl.

 

I have provided the requested [info], and a full manuscript is available upon request.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

 


Any thoughts on my query are super appreciated!  Here: http://agentquerycon...ong-ya-fantasy/


#23 perpetual

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 04:33 PM

Hey you! Good job on having a comp where it's a YA with older characters. I'm sure that will go a long way with agents.

 

As for your query, point blank, it doesn't make me want to read your novel. The main reason for this is because I'm not entirely sure what Dustin's biggest obstacle is. If it's "will he win this season or not?" then that doesn't feel like enough of a plot for a novel. You mentioned in the query about his anxiety and his "internal demons". I think your query needs to capitalize on that. If Dustin's biggest challenge is himself, show us this on the query and then say what hangs in the balance for him. Because it's not just about soccer, I take it. But your query makes it sound like it is. :)

 

I hope this helps! Best wishes :)



#24 suja

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 07:13 PM

Hi, 

Updated Draft: 3/13/17:

 

Dear [Agent]

 

[Concise sentence on why I’m querying them specifically.]

 

Winning the national championship is the one realistic opportunity Dustin Esposito has left to get noticed. Plagued by memories of his failure on soccer’s global stage, the college senior finds his future is filled with question marks. Wanting nothing more than a professional career, crippling anxiety convinces him there is no chance—that missing a penalty in the U-17 World Cup six years ago saw to that. Royally screwing up in front of scouts in last season’s semifinal sealed the coffin. The last 2 sentences show us what happened to him, and the reason for his self-doubt. The earlier sentences tell the same stuff. So consider starting with the biggest - missing the penalty - and let us feel the chagrin he must have felt. This will also show us, indirectly, how good he actually is at soccer to get to the U-17 World Cup. Something like, College senior Dustin Esposito's dreams of a professional career crashed and burned after a humiliating defeat in the U-17 World Cup, where his missed penalty cost his team the win. But he has one last chance to get noticed. The upcoming national championship.

 

Off the pitch, his parents proceed through a bitter divorce. His mom stands next to a new man at Dustin’s games; his dad balances being a scorned lover and the family mediator. Thank God he still has his friends. Add voice here, and tighten. I don't think you need the details about who the parents are with. Maybe just - Off the pitch, his parents fight out a bitter divorce. 

 

As team captain, he wants his teammates to succeed where he’s failed. The season progresses from win to win and it’s soon clear the scouts are watching. Giving his brothers on the pitch a chance to play professionally will be Dustin’s legacy; they’re talented and deserve the world. But the rumor is they’re watching him, too. If he can conquer his internal demons with the same confidence he projects for his teammates, maybe he’s got a shot after all. I got stuck here. So he is the captain? And the team keeps winning? Then I'm wondering about the failure issue. I realize it's possible. He can be full of self doubt, probably getting eaten up by thoughts of failure before every game, but then having to project a confident exterior for his mates. So get us into his mind. Let us feel his tension. Show us the stakes. He must lead his team to a win to prove to his parents, and to the people who doubted him after the penalty mishap. Give his drive, and us reason to champion him. 

 

ABSOLUTION is a 77,000 word young adult contemporary novel centered on new adult-aged characters, much like Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl. The story should appeal to readers who appreciate the sport and human drama of Friday Night Lights, mixed with the vibrant friendships of New Girl.

 

I have provided the requested [info], and a full manuscript is available upon request.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

 

My 2c. Take what works :)



#25 smithgirl

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 01:01 PM


Updated Draft: 3/13/17:

 

Dear [Agent]

 

[Concise sentence on why I’m querying them specifically.]

 

Winning the national championship is the one realistic opportunity Dustin Esposito has left to get noticed. Plagued by memories of his failure on soccer’s global stage, the college senior finds his future is filled with question marks. Wanting nothing more than a professional career, crippling anxiety convinces him there is no chance—that missing a penalty in the U-17 World Cup six years ago saw to that. Royally screwing up in front of scouts in last season’s semifinal sealed the coffin. I think this paragraph has too much information and feels a bit redundant. I think you can compress and add more punch. It also seems like there is a conflict because you say he has no chance to become a professional player, but then he has this chance at the national championship. 

 

College senior Dustin Esposito wants nothing more than a professional soccer career, but crippling anxiety makes that a tough ambition--missing that penalty in the U-17 World cup six years ago was a disaster. Now one chance  remains for him to get his fears under control so he can win the national championship and get noticed before it's too late.

 

 

Off the pitch, What does off the pitch mean? his parents proceed through a bitter divorce. His mom stands next to a new man at Dustin’s games; his dad balances being a scorned lover and the family mediator. Thank God he still has his friends. This part about his parents just appears and then vanishes. Then there is also the issue you mention about his father's failure on the field. Right now, the parents and his soccer ambitions seem almost like two unrelated issues. I would try to weave them both together. If the parent issue is not essential to your query, then just leave it out and focus on his desire to become a soccer player.

 

As team captain, he wants his teammates to succeed where he’s failed. So his goal now is to be a captain rather than a player? I didn't get that part above. The season progresses from win to win and it’s soon clear the scouts are watching. Giving his brothers on the pitch What? a chance to play professionally will be Dustin’s legacy; they’re talented and deserve the world. But the rumor is they’re watching him, too. If he can conquer his internal demons with the same confidence he projects for his teammates, maybe he’s got a shot after all. 

 

ABSOLUTION is a 77,000 word young adult contemporary novel centered on new adult-aged characters, much like Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl. The story should appeal to readers who appreciate the sport and human drama of Friday Night Lights, mixed with the vibrant friendships of New Girl.

 

I have provided the requested [info], and a full manuscript is available upon request.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Hi I made some comments above. I think you should avoid the whole on/off he pitch thing. What does that mean? I hope my comments help. If you get a chance, could you please take a look at my query? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...rade-critiques/







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