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Hook for YA Fantasy novel (will return the favor!)


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#1 lsprochnow

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 12:33 PM

Hey everyone,

 

 

I've been working on my query for a while now and can't seem to get it right. I think my main issue is I'm having trouble coming up with a decent hook. Or, at least, I think it's decent for a while and then I hate it the next day. Any and all feedback is appreciated! Let me know if you have a hook or query out there and I will absolutely leave you feedback as well.

 

Here are two versions of my hook. I felt like the first one was too vague and now I feel like the second one is too wordy.

 

 

For years, elves sheltered seventeen-year-old Verth in their village for fear he may unearth his past and wake the slumbering Cloven King. But when Verth discovers an emerald dagger, the key to ending the Cloven King’s eternal reign, he learns he cannot hide from his past forever.

 

 

For years, elves sheltered seventeen-year-old Verth in their village for fear he may unearth his past and wake the slumbering Cloven King. But when Verth discovers the key to ending the Cloven King’s eternal reign, he must choose between risking his life to banish a tyrant king or turning a blind eye to a country that marked him as a pariah.



#2 natwoodruff

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 08:19 AM

I prefer the second one because it talks about what is at stake for him.  However, I can't comment on much other than that because I'm sort of in the same boat as you.  I'm also plagued with bad-book-hook syndrome. 

 

Good luck!


Help a girl out?  I'll be happy for critiques. 

 

Hook: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy-novel/

 

First 250: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/

 

 


#3 natwoodruff

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 02:56 AM

PS My own hook has been posted and ready for the chop if you wouldn't mind taking a look.  Thanks!


Help a girl out?  I'll be happy for critiques. 

 

Hook: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy-novel/

 

First 250: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/

 

 


#4 Hugh Boyle

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 12:34 PM

Don't really know YA, but I find the second works best.  I find the phrase "or turning a blind eye to a country that marked him as a pariah" to be ambiguous.  I suspect the meaning is something like, "or banishing himself from a country that will mark him as a pariah."  

 

Good luck.



#5 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 05:10 AM

I like the second version too. However his reason to defeat the king is not coming clearly in either of the versions. I know your story, so I guess you can add the mother's abduction as a trigger, with the dilemma between saving his mother and causing deaths in hundreds.

#6 SylvanStyle

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 10:05 AM

Hey everyone,

 

 

I've been working on my query for a while now and can't seem to get it right. I think my main issue is I'm having trouble coming up with a decent hook. Or, at least, I think it's decent for a while and then I hate it the next day. Any and all feedback is appreciated! Let me know if you have a hook or query out there and I will absolutely leave you feedback as well.

 

Here are two versions of my hook. I felt like the first one was too vague and now I feel like the second one is too wordy.

 

 

For years, elves sheltered seventeen-year-old Verth in their village for fear he may unearth his past and wake the slumbering Cloven King. But when Verth discovers an emerald dagger, the key to ending the Cloven King’s eternal reign, he learns he cannot hide from his past forever.

 

 

For years, elves sheltered seventeen-year-old Verth in their village for fear he may unearth his past and wake the slumbering Cloven King. But when Verth discovers the key to ending the Cloven King’s eternal reign, he must choose between risking his life to banish a tyrant king or turning a blind eye to a country that marked him as a pariah.

 

I do like the second one better but it is missing something. Can you send me your query or synopsis or even your own version of what the book is about and I will help you write a hook.... I have the opposite problem. My hook is pretty good, it is the rest of the query I have issues with. :)


Thanks!

Sylvia Davis

Website- WritersHell.net

Twitter- @sedavis2014


#7 SylvanStyle

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 10:17 AM

Young prince Verth has been hidden away most of his life by elves to protect the world from the reign of terror that would ensue should he awaken the Cloven King when he finds the key to end the reign of terror forever, however if he pursues this he will have to choose between risking his life or the only family and home he has ever known.


Thanks!

Sylvia Davis

Website- WritersHell.net

Twitter- @sedavis2014


#8 RSMellette

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Posted 24 March 2017 - 01:08 AM

What does the Prince want before he finds the dagger?

Young Prince Verth only wants to _______ but when he finds the dagger and learns his fate he must ____________ in order to save the world and win his (personal objective).

From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

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by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#9 kaznats

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 07:51 AM

RSMellette gave you the template for your query, just fill in the blanks but don't get to wordy



#10 newb

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 03:28 AM

RSMellette's answer is awesome. I'd go with that.






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