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Velvet Moon Chronicles (Adult Psychological/Fantasy)

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#1 thewildrose11

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Posted 14 March 2017 - 10:14 PM

REVISION AS OF 3/23/17: http://agentquerycon...e-2#entry336671


ORIGINAL:

 

I'm new the AQC and hoping to receive thoughts on the below query.  Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to respond.  I'm grateful!

 

_________________________________

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë’s white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. What she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life is carefully selected and strictly curated—until her nightmares begin.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë's nightmares swiftly erode the barrier between dream and reality, until she is made to exhume the dark secrets of both her and her mother's past. In following the shadowy footprints her mother has left behind, she enters the dreamscape realm of her mind’s supposed creation and unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known; one wholly determined to break her will, by fear or by force. 

 

Losing her grip on what is real, Zoë learns that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive.  Whether believer or denier, Zoë faces a choice that will end the love and life she knows.   

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES is a 146,000 word psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like “Where The Wild Things Are” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 



#2 CFrances

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 11:21 AM

Your book sounds interesting, but your query is more of a summary than a tease. Go to http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ for info. Good luck!



#3 thewildrose11

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 11:31 AM

Thank you very much for your time!  I'll visit the link!



#4 CFrances

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 12:56 PM

I'll follow you and check back in.



#5 thewildrose11

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 07:55 PM

Thank you for your assistance!

 

Revised Query:

 

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall's white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. Those she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life are carefully selected—mostly affluent, yet, decidedly broken souls—and with the exception of her quirky Scottish housekeeper, Lula, most of her relationships are strictly curated. 

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing nightmares that erode the barrier between dream and reality, forcing her to seek the help of her mother’s oldest friend, Mr. Sumel, a mysterious old man who seems to know more about her life than she does.  When a menacing stranger attempts to leverage Mr. Sumel for information on Zoë, she elects to further isolate herself, in turn, forcing her into the embattled world of her dreams, which reveals itself through a complex set of characters she has deemed to be merely aspects of her own mind.  

 

Under the direction of her Jungian therapist, Dr. Lawson, she reluctantly forms relationships with those she encounters in her dreams as a way of deepening her connection to not only herself, but also her past. In letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her supposed creation, she unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known.

 

Losing her grip on what is real, Zoë wades through the mounting debris of her eviscerated reality, learning that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—whether real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a 146,000 word psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like “The Wizard of Oz” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 



#6 Testome

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 12:48 AM



Thank you for your assistance!

 

Revised Query:

 

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall's white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. I'm not really hooked with this much. Those she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life are carefully selected—mostly affluent, yet, decidedly broken souls—and with the exception of her quirky Scottish housekeeper, Lula, most of her relationships are strictly curated. The second sentence doesn't seem to serve much purpose in the query.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing nightmares that erode the barrier between dream and reality, forcing her to seek the help of her mother’s oldest friend, Mr. Sumel, a mysterious old man who seems to know more about her life than she does. Several of your sentences seem on the long side. I might get your query started closer to here. When a menacing stranger attempts to leverage Mr. Sumel for information on Zoë, she elects to further isolate herself, in turn, forcing her into the embattled world of her dreams, which reveals itself through a complex set of characters she has deemed to be merely aspects of her own mind.   Another long sentence.

 

Under the direction of her Jungian therapist, Dr. Lawson, she reluctantly forms relationships with those she encounters in her dreams as a way of deepening her connection to not only herself, but also her past. In letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her supposed creation, she unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known. This is a bit vague.

 

Losing her grip on what is real, Zoë wades through the mounting debris of her eviscerated reality, learning that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—whether real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive. This is vague and weak for an ending.

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a 146,000 word Seems a bit on the long side. psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Agents can be off putted by a series so I would remove this instead. Like “The Wizard of Oz” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

I think you might want to shorten your sentences a few of them are fifty words or more. Perhaps even shorten some of the thirty+ word ones as well. I think you may need to give more details of the stakes and I think you've named drop too many characters. Lula, for example, I don't think serves a purpose.



#7 dragoness

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 02:21 AM

The story sounds fascinating!  :smile:

 

I think you better have a first sentence hook, to focus the reader on your MC's goal and conflict. You better have an ending sentence as well, to focus the reader on your MC's choice and stakes.

 

Your sentences are long and confusing. I think you better split or shorten them to make them clearer. Here are my detailed suggestions:

 

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall's white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. Those she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life(, comma) are carefully selected—mostly affluent, yet, decidedly broken souls. —and w With the exception of her quirky Scottish housekeeper, Lula, most of her relationships are strictly curated. 

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing nightmares. that Her dreams erode the barrier between dream and with reality, and force ing her to seek the help of her mother’s oldest friend, Mr. Sumel, a mysterious old man who seems to know more about her life than she does.  When a menacing stranger attempts to leverage Mr. Sumel for information on Zoë, she elects to further isolate herself (why?), in turn, forcing her (who? herself?) into the embattled world of her dreams, which reveals itself through a complex set of characters she has deemed to be merely aspects of her own mind.  

 

Under the direction of her Jungian therapist, Dr. Lawson, she reluctantly forms relationships with those she encounters in her dreams, (comma) as a way of deepening her connection to not only herself, but also her past. In letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her supposed creation, she unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known.

 

Losing her grip on what is real, Zoë wades through the mounting debris of her eviscerated reality, learning that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds,. b Both of which—whether real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a 146,000 word (there is a recommendation not to put on a query the word count when it's so big) psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like The Wizard of Oz or Alice In Wonderland, (there is a recommendation not to compare yourself to too famous book, and to prefer books published on recent years. Books' names should be italicized) it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

 

Good luck!

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my query: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#8 thewildrose11

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 10:10 AM

Your book sounds interesting, but your query is more of a summary than a tease. Go to http://queryshark.blogspot.com/ for info. Good luck!

Thank you very much!  QueryShark is fantastic!  What a great resource!


I'll follow you and check back in.

Thank you!


The story sounds fascinating!  :smile:

 

I think you better have a first sentence hook, to focus the reader on your MC's goal and conflict. You better have an ending sentence as well, to focus the reader on your MC's choice and stakes.

 

Your sentences are long and confusing. I think you better split or shorten them to make them clearer. Here are my detailed suggestions:

 

Good luck!

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my query: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

Thank you for your thoughts!  Appreciate it!



#9 Bananas

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 11:49 AM

Thank you for your assistance!

 

Revised Query:

 

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall's white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. Those she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life are carefully selected—mostly affluent, yet, decidedly broken souls—and with the exception of her quirky Scottish housekeeper, Lula, most of her relationships are strictly curated. (I like the idea behind this paragraph, but your sentences are unwieldy beasts.  Especially the last one - it has too many ideas for one sentence.  I liked the previous version's second sentence better.)

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing nightmares that erode the barrier between dream and reality, forcing her to seek the help of her mother’s oldest friend, Mr. Sumel, a mysterious old man who seems to know more about her life than she does.  When a menacing stranger attempts to leverage Mr. Sumel for information on Zoë, she elects to further isolate herself (PERIOD - Take a breath!)  , in turn, forcing her into the embattled world of her dreams, which reveals itself through a complex set of characters she has deemed to be merely aspects of her own mind.  

 

Under the direction of her Jungian therapist, Dr. Lawson, she reluctantly forms relationships with those she encounters in her dreams as a way of deepening her connection to not only herself, but also her past. (This sentence needs to be trimmed.  It's very wordy.)  In letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her supposed creation, While exploring her dreamscape, she unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known  (I don't know what this last bit is saying.  Also, there has to be a tighter way of saying whatever you're getting at).

 

Losing her grip on what is real reality, Zoë wades through the mounting debris of her eviscerated reality, learning that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—whether real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive. (This sentence is another giant run-on.)

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a 146,000 word psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like “The Wizard of Oz” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

 

I like the general idea behind your story, but your sentences are unwieldy and need drastic tightening.  I suggest looking for ways to cut your adjective use.  



#10 CFrances

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 11:18 AM

 

Thank you for your assistance!

 

Revised Query:

 

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall's white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings (Aren't these really the same thing?). Those she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life are carefully selected—mostly affluent, yet, decidedly broken souls—and with the exception of her quirky Scottish housekeeper, Lula, most of her relationships are strictly curated. (I like the idea behind this paragraph, but your sentences are unwieldy beasts.  Especially the last one - it has too many ideas for one sentence.  I liked the previous version's second sentence better.)

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing nightmares that erode the barrier between dream and reality, forcing her to seek the help of her mother’s oldest friend, Mr. Sumel, a mysterious old man who seems to know more about her life than she does.  When a menacing stranger attempts to leverage Mr. Sumel for information on Zoë, she elects to further isolate herself (PERIOD - Take a breath!)  , in turn, forcing her into the embattled world of her dreams, which reveals itself through a complex set of characters she has deemed to be merely aspects of her own mind.  

 

Under the direction of her Jungian therapist, Dr. Lawson, she reluctantly forms relationships with those she encounters in her dreams as a way of deepening her connection to not only herself, but also her past. (This sentence needs to be trimmed.  It's very wordy.)  In letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her supposed creation, While exploring her dreamscape, she unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known  (I don't know what this last bit is saying.  Also, there has to be a tighter way of saying whatever you're getting at).

 

Losing her grip on what is real reality, Zoë wades through the mounting debris of her eviscerated reality, learning that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—whether real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive. (This sentence is another giant run-on.)

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a 146,000 word psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like “The Wizard of Oz” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

 

I like the general idea behind your story, but your sentences are unwieldy and need drastic tightening.  I suggest looking for ways to cut your adjective use.  

 

Your story sounds great, and I'm guessing you write lovely, descriptive prose, but for the purposes of the query, you need to cut the fat. Keep some of the vocabulary, because it hints at the tone of your book, but shorten your sentences and reduce the adjectives. Good luck.

 



#11 thewildrose11

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 01:12 PM

 

 

Thank you for your assistance!

 

Revised Query:

 

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall's white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings (Aren't these really the same thing?). Those she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life are carefully selected—mostly affluent, yet, decidedly broken souls—and with the exception of her quirky Scottish housekeeper, Lula, most of her relationships are strictly curated. (I like the idea behind this paragraph, but your sentences are unwieldy beasts.  Especially the last one - it has too many ideas for one sentence.  I liked the previous version's second sentence better.)

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing nightmares that erode the barrier between dream and reality, forcing her to seek the help of her mother’s oldest friend, Mr. Sumel, a mysterious old man who seems to know more about her life than she does.  When a menacing stranger attempts to leverage Mr. Sumel for information on Zoë, she elects to further isolate herself (PERIOD - Take a breath!)  , in turn, forcing her into the embattled world of her dreams, which reveals itself through a complex set of characters she has deemed to be merely aspects of her own mind.  

 

Under the direction of her Jungian therapist, Dr. Lawson, she reluctantly forms relationships with those she encounters in her dreams as a way of deepening her connection to not only herself, but also her past. (This sentence needs to be trimmed.  It's very wordy.)  In letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her supposed creation, While exploring her dreamscape, she unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known  (I don't know what this last bit is saying.  Also, there has to be a tighter way of saying whatever you're getting at).

 

Losing her grip on what is real reality, Zoë wades through the mounting debris of her eviscerated reality, learning that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—whether real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive. (This sentence is another giant run-on.)

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a 146,000 word psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like “The Wizard of Oz” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

 

I like the general idea behind your story, but your sentences are unwieldy and need drastic tightening.  I suggest looking for ways to cut your adjective use.  

 

Your story sounds great, and I'm guessing you write lovely, descriptive prose, but for the purposes of the query, you need to cut the fat. Keep some of the vocabulary, because it hints at the tone of your book, but shorten your sentences and reduce the adjectives. Good luck.

 

 

Thank you, CFrances!  Really appreciate your time.



#12 thewildrose11

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 07:54 PM

REVISED:

 

(Thank you to all those who have responded!)

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a successful Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life, which has left her disconnected from her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. Communion with Spirit was her mother’s Eden, her soul’s echo. Yet Zoë willfully refutes such beliefs, choosing only the sanctity her isolated and carefully architected world affords; it’s all she wants, and all she needs.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing night-terrors that slowly erode the barrier between dream and reality. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her life. But, in letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her psyche’s creation, she ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever encountered—one wholly determined to break her will. As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal.

 

Hunted from within her own mind, she travels amongst the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the life she knows and the future she’s planned. But instead, she uncovers the imprisoned secrets surrounding her mother’s untimely death. At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival. Refusing, means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul. Accepting, requires doing the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built: believing. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through adult situations. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.



#13 CFrances

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 10:29 AM

REVISED:

 

(Thank you to all those who have responded!)

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a successful Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life, which has left her disconnected from her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. Nice! But maybe 2 sentences? Communion with Spirit was her mother’s Eden, her soul’s echo. Yet Zoë willfully refutes such beliefs, choosing only the sanctity her isolated and carefully architected world affords; it’s all she wants, and all she needs. This is already clear from the first sentence.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing night-terrors that slowly erode the barrier between dream and reality. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her life. But, in letting down her guard to explore the realm inhabitants of her psyche’s creation, she ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever encountered—one wholly determined to break her will. This sentence is too long and confusing. As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contacts her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal.

 

Hunted from within her own mind, she travels amongst the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the life she knows and the future she’s planned. Again, too long and confusingBut instead, she uncovers the imprisoned secrets surrounding her mother’s untimely death. At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival. Refusing (no comma here) means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul. Accepting (no comma here) requires doing the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built: believing. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like The Wonderful Wizard of Oz or Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through adult Not sure what you mean here situations. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Getting better and better!



#14 thewildrose11

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 03:27 PM

Getting better and better!

Thank you!  Working on rewrites now!



#15 thewildrose11

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 07:49 PM

REVISION #5:

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life. Willfully, she’s chosen not to believe in her deceased mother’s mystical teachings, and instead finds sanctity in her unconventional work and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her waking life. But, in letting down her guard, she ignites the obsession of a primeval presence on the hunt for her very soul. As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal.

 

Tormented from within her own mind, she travels through the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the reality she once knew. But instead, she uncovers secrets surrounding her beloved mother’s untimely death. At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival. Refusing means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul. Accepting requires believing in the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through an adult's point of view. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 



#16 thewildrose11

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 08:17 PM

REVISION #6:

 

Trying something new, here.  Just a slight change from above.

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life. Willfully, she’s chosen not to believe in her deceased mother’s mystical teachings, and instead finds sanctity in her unconventional work and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her waking life. But, in letting down her guard, she ignites the obsession of a primeval presence on the hunt for her, blood and soul. As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal.

 

Tormented from within her own mind, she travels through the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the reality she once knew. But instead, Zoë uncovers the truth surrounding her beloved mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll give her very soul—or even kill—to get it back.

 

At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival: Refusing means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul, accepting requires believing in the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through an adult’s point of view. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 



#17 dragoness

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 05:31 AM

It's very good!

 

You should pay attention not to repeat yourself...

 

I think you have to focus on the plot (actions, revelations,) and not talk so much about her inner confusion, because there aren't many agents who focus on inner conflicts.

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life ("Manhattan consort" and "modern city life" is saying the same thing twice. Can you say something interesting about her in the middle, then say "prefers a modern Manhattan life"?) . Willfully, she’s chosen not to believe in her deceased mother’s mystical teachings, and instead finds sanctity in her unconventional work and carefully architected world.

 (Here you repeat the first sentence. Maybe the best combination is something like: "Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, prefers not to believe in her deceased mother’s mystical teachings"?)

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her waking life. But, in letting down her guard, she ignites the obsession of a primeval presence on the hunt for her, blood and soul.

 

As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal.

 

Tormented from within her own mind, she travels through the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the reality she once knew. But instead, Zoë uncovers the truth surrounding her beloved mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll give her very soul—or even kill—to get it back.

 

At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival: Refusing means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul,. a Accepting requires believing in the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through an adult’s point of view. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

 

Thanks for you comments on my query!

Would you like to look at my new version? http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry336240



#18 CFrances

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 08:31 AM

REVISION #6:

 

Trying something new, here.  Just a slight change from above.

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life. Willfully, she’s chosen not to believe in her deceased mother’s mystical teachings, and instead finds sanctity in her unconventional work and carefully architected(constructed?) world.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her waking life. But, in letting down her guard, she ignites the obsession of a primeval presence on the hunt for her, blood and soul. As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal.

 

Tormented from within her own mind, she travels through the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the reality she once knew. But instead, Zoë uncovers the truth surrounding her beloved mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll give her very soul—or even kill—to get it back. This sentence is confusing. I get it, but I had to read it a couple times.

 

At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival: Refusing means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul, accepting requires believing in the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through an adult’s point of view. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

Nice. I think you're doing a great job distilling a complicated plot.



#19 Linnet_Crawford

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 10:04 AM

This sounds really interesting. By the way -  if you edit your first post to give the post # (or link to) the post with the latest revision, people will be able to find your latest version easier!

REVISION #6:

 

Trying something new, here.  Just a slight change from above.

 

Although descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, prefers a modern city life. Willfully, she’s chosen not to believe in her deceased mother’s mystical teachings, and instead finds sanctity in her unconventional work and carefully architected world. I agree with Dragoness that this could be condensed - this is your hook, so it should be as short, clear and punchy as possible. Also might be nice to start with the MC

 

"Zoë Hall is descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, but she has long since renounced her deceased mother's mystical teachings in favour of modern Manhattan life. Until the nightmares come." Not that, but something like that might make it more concise...

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. Good! When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape, hoping to find a way to end the chaos dominating her waking life. But, in letting down her guard, she ignites the obsession of a primeval presence on the hunt for her, blood and soul. As her reality further corrodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who knows more about what’s happening to her than he’s able to reveal. Mmmm - this is all interesting, but confusing and vague. There's a lot going on. What if you cut some things? Is there a way to more concretely explain what's going on, even if that means revealing some of the plot? Why would a primeval presence be interested in her?

 

 

Tormented from within her own mind, she travels through the shadows of her dreams searching for a way back to the reality she once knew. (This gives the impression that most of the plot is occurring inside her head, which might be a difficult sell for agents. Is she travelling somewhere in her dreams, or is she a passive observer? Might be good to clarify what your MC is actually doing) But instead, Zoë uncovers the truth surrounding her beloved mother’s untimely death. Good! And in learning when she learns that she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll give her very soul—or even kill—to get it back. This comes as a little bit of a surprise, since this level of attachment to her mother wasn't previously established. Maybe mention it earlier? Is her mother's death somehow tied to why she renounced her heritage? This would all help give an idea of Zoe's character, and get invested in her story. 

 

At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the very fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds dependent upon her for survival: Refusing means never being able to reclaim the missing piece of her soul, accepting requires believing in the one thing that will destroy the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is a psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength, conveyed through an adult’s point of view. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 


Any thoughts on my query are super appreciated!  Here: http://agentquerycon...ong-ya-fantasy/


#20 thewildrose11

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 02:06 PM

Thank you very much to all those who have been so gracious with your time and thoughts. 

 

REVISION:

 

Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, is descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, yet has chosen to renounce her deceased—and beloved—mother's mystical teachings.  Instead, she believes only in her tangible and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

Encroaching upon the anniversary of her mother’s death, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape. But, in letting down her guard, she attracts a primeval presence that will stop at nothing to possess a book of rites handed down from her clan Elders. As her reality further erodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who, with one drop of her blood, reveals she’s anything but ordinary.

 

Fighting through the shadows of her dreamscape for a way back to the reality she once knew, Zoë uncovers the truth surrounding her mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll give her very soul—or even kill—to get it back.

 

At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds that can only be saved if she accepts her fated role.  Refusing means never resurrecting the missing piece of her soul, accepting means destroying the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is an adult, multi-POV, psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.







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