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Velvet Moon Chronicles (Adult Psychological/Fantasy)

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#21 thewildrose11

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 02:10 PM

This sounds really interesting. By the way -  if you edit your first post to give the post # (or link to) the post with the latest revision, people will be able to find your latest version easier!

Thank you.  Will do!


Nice. I think you're doing a great job distilling a complicated plot.

Thank you for all your support!


It's very good!

 

You should pay attention not to repeat yourself...

 

I think you have to focus on the plot (actions, revelations,) and not talk so much about her inner confusion, because there aren't many agents who focus on inner conflicts.

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Thanks for you comments on my query!

Would you like to look at my new version? http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry336240

Thank you!  Great comments.



#22 perpetual

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 04:40 PM

Just thought I'd pop in a give my two cents: I think you should drop the "psychological" as a genre because the actual genre is psychological THRILLER, which is a specific type of thriller that has fairly narrow guidelines that need to be followed in order for it to fall under this genre, commercially speaking. Instead, leave it as fantasy and use your comps and the query itself to show that you explore the human psyche in a fantasy setting.



#23 thewildrose11

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 06:43 PM

REVISION 3/20/17:

 

Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, is descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, yet has chosen to renounce her deceased—and beloved—mother's mystical teachings.  Instead, she believes only in her tangible and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares begin.

 

Encroaching upon the anniversary of her mother’s death, Zoë experiences terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape. But, in letting down her guard, she attracts a primeval presence darkly-bent on leveraging elemental abilities she’s unaware she possesses. As her reality further erodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who, with one drop of her blood, transforms fable to fire.

 

Fighting through the shadows of her dreamscape for a way back to the reality she once knew, Zoë unearths the circumstances surrounding her mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll kill—or give her very soul—to get it back.

 

Wedged between dream and reality, Zoë finds that the fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds that can only be saved if she believes in, and accepts, a role she abhors.  Refusing means never resurrecting a missing piece of her soul, accepting means destroying the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is an adult, multi-POV, fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like a dark version of “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding strength. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 



#24 CFrances

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 09:16 AM

REVISION 3/20/17:

 

Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, is descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, yet has chosen to renounce her deceased—and beloved—mother's mystical teachings.  Instead, she believes only in her tangible and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares begin.

 

 Encroaching I don't think encroaching is the right word here, since it means intruding upon. Maybe approaching  upon the anniversary of her mother’s death, Zoë experiences terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape. But, in letting down her guard, she attracts a primeval presence darkly-bent on leveraging elemental abilities she’s unaware she possesses. As her reality further erodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who, with one drop of her blood, transforms fable to fire. Not sure what this means, but I like the drop of blood part

 

Fighting through the shadows of her dreamscape for a way back to the reality she once knew, Zoë unearths the circumstances surrounding her mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll kill—or give her very soul—to get it back.

 

Wedged between dream and reality, Zoë finds that the fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds that can only be saved if she believes in, and accepts, a role she abhors.  Refusing means never resurrecting a missing piece of her soul, accepting means destroying the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is an adult, multi-POV, fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like a dark version of “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding strength. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

I really like this! You've sharpened it up so much in a short period of time. Other than my comments, I think you're ready. Good luck.



#25 thewildrose11

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 10:00 AM

I really like this! You've sharpened it up so much in a short period of time. Other than my comments, I think you're ready. Good luck.

Thank you so much!  You are right; that's what I get for working at 4am! :)  I really appreciate all your thoughts and support!



#26 CarterT

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 12:07 PM

Great query. So much tighter and well put-together than the first post. Well done polishing it up. I just have one question!

 

 

Fighting through the shadows of her dreamscape for a way back to the reality she once knew, Zoë unearths the circumstances surrounding her mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll kill—or give her very soul—to get it back.

 

They've lost, or 'They'd lost ?

 

I feel like it should be the latter, because the mother is dead, but please correct me if I'm wrong. Actually, one other thing...

 

That last sentence has a really strong finish to it, but the 'And in learning she may be able...' is a weak start when I read it out loud. Something about it ties my tongue. It's almost like it needs a hard 'sound' in there. I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to do it in your voice, so I'll just live it for you to chew on.

 

It's a minor thing, and really, you've got a great query here. Again, well done!



#27 thewildrose11

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 08:13 PM

Great query. So much tighter and well put-together than the first post. Well done polishing it up. I just have one question!

 

 

They've lost, or 'They'd lost ?

 

I feel like it should be the latter, because the mother is dead, but please correct me if I'm wrong. Actually, one other thing...

 

That last sentence has a really strong finish to it, but the 'And in learning she may be able...' is a weak start when I read it out loud. Something about it ties my tongue. It's almost like it needs a hard 'sound' in there. I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to do it in your voice, so I'll just live it for you to chew on.

 

It's a minor thing, and really, you've got a great query here. Again, well done!

Thank you!  Really appreciate all the assistance!



#28 SylvanStyle

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Posted 23 March 2017 - 08:10 AM

REVISION AS OF 3/20/17: http://agentquerycon...e-2#entry336507


ORIGINAL:

 

I'm new the AQC and hoping to receive thoughts on the below query.  Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to respond.  I'm grateful!

 

_________________________________

Although descended from a long line of powerful Cherokee women, Zoë’s white-stone pale skin and preference for a modern, constructed life have left her disconnected from both her heritage and her deceased mother’s mystical teachings. What she chooses to let into her controlled, Manhattan-centric life is carefully selected and strictly curated—

 

With the twentieth anniversary of her mother’s death fast approaching, Zoë's nightmares swiftly erode the barrier between dream and reality, until she is made to exhume the dark secrets of both her and her mother's past. In following the shadowy footprints her mother has left behind, she enters the dreamscape realm of her mind’s supposed creation and unknowingly ignites the obsession of the darkest presence she’s ever known; one wholly determined to break her will, by fear or by force. 

 

Losing her grip on what is real, Zoë learns that nothing is as it seems, the very fabric of her past, present and future merely a transparent veil between two linked worlds, both of which—real or imagined—require her full and unyielding belief to survive.  Whether believer or denier, Zoë faces a choice that will end the love and life she knows.   

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES is a 146,000 word psychological/fantasy novel and Volume I of a trilogy. Like “Where The Wild Things Are” or “Alice In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Yet the story stands alone in its unique explorations of adult themes and psychological states.  Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. 

 

 

Thank you very much to all those who have been so gracious with your time and thoughts. 

 

REVISION:

 

Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, is descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, yet has chosen to renounce her deceased—and beloved—mother's mystical teachings.  Instead, she believes only in her tangible and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares come.

 

Encroaching upon the anniversary of her mother’s death, Zoë begins experiencing terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape. But, in letting down her guard, she attracts a primeval presence that will stop at nothing to possess a book of rites handed down from her clan Elders. As her reality further erodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who, with one drop of her blood, reveals she’s anything but ordinary.

 

Fighting through the shadows of her dreamscape for a way back to the reality she once knew, Zoë uncovers the truth surrounding her mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll give her very soul—or even kill—to get it back.

 

At the edge of madness, Zoë finds that the fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds that can only be saved if she accepts her fated role.  Refusing means never resurrecting the missing piece of her soul, accepting means destroying the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is an adult, multi-POV, psychological/fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding and reclaiming strength. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion.  Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

 

Hello there. Your premise sounds interesting, and your revised query is much better but I have a suggestion for you. There is a lot of information out there that states that anything over 100,000 words is a very difficult sell for a first novel. Sometimes when you get professionally edited, they find that there is a lot of information in the story that is not necessarily relevant and can be taken out to get your word count lower, and actually increase the quality of the storyline. Have you taken this step yet?


Thanks!

Sylvia Davis

Website- WritersHell.net

Twitter- @sedavis2014


#29 thewildrose11

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Posted 23 March 2017 - 08:53 AM

Hello there. Your premise sounds interesting, and your revised query is much better but I have a suggestion for you. There is a lot of information out there that states that anything over 100,000 words is a very difficult sell for a first novel. Sometimes when you get professionally edited, they find that there is a lot of information in the story that is not necessarily relevant and can be taken out to get your word count lower, and actually increase the quality of the storyline. Have you taken this step yet?

Hi Sylvia!

 

Yes, I have worked with a professional editor and brought count down from 161k 10 146k.  There isn't a lot of superfluous writing at this point, but you are definitely correct.  It's something to think about for sure and I appreciate the suggestion!



#30 thewildrose11

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Posted 23 March 2017 - 08:55 AM

REVISED QUERY:

 

Morning AQC, members!  I'm working on refining just one sentence now and have replaced 'elemental' from the version above as it's not quite the right slant.  I'm trying 'cardinal' (which is a derivative/qualifier of the same), and am wondering how that lands.  Thank you!

__________________

Zoë Hall, a coveted Manhattan consort, is descended from a clan of powerful Cherokee women, yet has chosen to renounce her deceased—and beloved—mother's mystical teachings. Instead, she believes only in her tangible and carefully architected world.

 

Until the nightmares begin.

 

Approaching the anniversary of her mother’s death, Zoë experiences terrifying, forest-infused dreams. When her nightmares penetrate her waking world, she seeks the help of a therapist specializing in wake-initiated lucid dreaming. Under his direction, Zoë immerses herself into the lives of those she encounters in her embattled dreamscape. But, in letting down her guard, she attracts a primeval presence darkly-bent on exploiting cardinal abilities she’s unaware she possesses. As her reality further erodes, she’s forced to contact her mother’s dearest friend, a wily old inventor who, with one drop of her blood, transforms fable to fire.

 

Fighting through the shadows of her dreamscape for a way back to the life she once knew, Zoë unearths the circumstances surrounding her mother’s untimely death. And in learning she may be able to reclaim the time they’ve lost, she’ll kill—or give her very soul—to get it back.

 

Wedged between dream and reality, Zoë discovers that the fabric of her past, present and future is merely a transparent veil between two collapsing worlds that can only be saved if she believes in, and accepts, a role she doesn’t want. Refusing means never resurrecting a missing piece of her soul, accepting means destroying the life she’s painstakingly built. 

 

VELVET MOON CHRONICLES - VOLUME 1: THE LEVELING (www.VelvetMoonChronicles.com) is an adult, multi-POV, fantasy novel and part of a trilogy. Like a dark version of “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” or “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland,” it’s a powerful journey of finding strength. Currently, I write communications for corporations focused on unconscious bias and inclusion. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript, which is 146,000 words. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.



#31 CFrances

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Posted 23 March 2017 - 10:16 AM

I prefer elemental. "Elemental" puts fire and water into my head, which seems to evoke the image of these fundamental but unknown powers better than "cardinal does.



#32 thewildrose11

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Posted 23 March 2017 - 04:29 PM

I prefer elemental. "Elemental" puts fire and water into my head, which seems to evoke the image of these fundamental but unknown powers better than "cardinal does.

CFrances:  Right again!  Ugh, maybe I'm over-noodling now.  :). I just feel like 'elemental' is overdone.  But, you're assessment is totally correct.  Thank you!







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