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Hook for New Adult Fantasy Novel


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#1 natwoodruff

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Posted 15 March 2017 - 11:01 AM

Kal was sent to Earth from a sunless realm to hunt down an ancient and powerful spirit in order to steal its magical secrets, but he did not expect that soul to be hiding inside the body of a 19-year-old human girl.

 

 

I’ve had beta readers for my novel, but never tested the waters for my hook and synopsis before.  I’ve gone through so many versions of a hook that I might be suffering from a brain meltdown or something.  Please help!

 

Thank you,

Nat


Help a girl out?  I'll be happy for critiques. 

 

Hook: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy-novel/

 

First 250: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/

 

 


#2 Hugh Boyle

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 02:23 PM

I'm not a fantasy reader, so forgive me if I bring up something that need not be considered in this genre.  I find the hook gets right to it all, but what I find puzzling is that the soul inhabiting a nineteen-year-old human girl suggests some kind of sensibility toward that by Kal.  Coming from a sunless realm in space, I wouldn't expect Kal to have any humanoid qualities or any such sensibility toward the girl--no more so than if the soul were found to be in a decrepit old man (can provide picture of self). What I'm thinking might be in the works is that Kal does indeed find he has a romantic interest, but coming from a sunless place, he finds things do not work so well in sunny climes.  (Can't get the sunless thing out of my mind.)  Do you need some little bit of information about Kal, in addition to his origin in a sunless region, so that we can understand that he is capable of some kind of romantic interest or whatever the interest is to be?  If this goes without saying in the genre, please pardon my interruption.  But know also that I do find it intriguing that the soul is in the person of a 19-year-old girl, and the hook works for me.

 

 

 

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#3 natwoodruff

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 02:40 AM

Thanks, Hugh for your response!  I think you bring up some good points that I know I struggled with while writing the hook.  Kal could pass for a human (looks wise) and consumes souls in order to survive, so he has the ability to detect spirits with certain potencies, if you will.  I probably should find a way to weave that info into hook somehow. Would make more sense.

 

As for his “sunless” home, the sky is covered with black clouds at all times, so he’s only used to firelight.  Should I have left this part out of the hook and focused more on his abilities rather than where he is from?


Help a girl out?  I'll be happy for critiques. 

 

Hook: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy-novel/

 

First 250: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/

 

 


#4 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 05:03 AM

First things first. An alien named Kal will bring up Superman for the reader. Not sure if its a good or bad thing though;)

About the hook, I guess the dilemma between his mission and his liking for the girl needs to be emphasised. You can mention his hunger for souls, or his shock at discovering the host of the soul in question, or his fight between his desparation and his gratitude/emotions for that.

The sunless part can be skipped. "Sent to earth" should suffice as a background.

You can also mention what is at stake if he chooses to abandon his quest.

#5 EllieFirestone1

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 10:52 AM

I think this sounds pretty good, but it should probably be in present tense instead of past tense. Not only is that standard form for hooks (and queries in general), but it makes things sound more immediate:

 

Kal has been to Earth from a sunless realm to hunt down an ancient and powerful spirit in order to steal its magical secrets, but he doesn't expect that soul to be hiding inside the body of a 19-year-old human girl.

 

Hope this helps :)



#6 CM_Fick

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 04:05 PM

Sorry Nat, I'm just getting to this now. I've been so busy with queries that I've forgotten to check the hook I posted. I'm about ready to put up a new one - one that's drastically shifted focus - so if you have a minute to review, it would be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

For your hook: 

 

Kal was sent to Earth from a sunless realm to hunt down an ancient and powerful spirit in order to steal its magical secrets, but he did not expect that soul to be hiding inside the body of a 19-year-old human girl.

 

It reads like telling, rather than showing, but I think all the elements are here.

 

I don't suggest you use this as is, but it gives you an idea about bringing the readers into the story: Sent to Earth from a sunless realm, Kal's mission is to hunt down and steal the secrets of an ancient spirit. What he doesn't expect, is to find the ancient soul (hiding?) inside the body of a 19-year-old human girl. 

 

I understand your frustration with trying to get that perfect hook - I hope this helps.



#7 natwoodruff

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 07:18 AM

Thank you everyone for your feedback!  It was very helpful and has given me some good ideas to start off with.  Happy writing!

 

 

-Nat 


Help a girl out?  I'll be happy for critiques. 

 

Hook: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy-novel/

 

First 250: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/

 

 





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