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The Wrong Empress (I'll return critique)


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#61 secondstar87

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 06:33 PM

After her debt-ridden father attempts suicide, Bernice - a Royal Herodian dissident with a tendency not sure tendency is the right word to underclass friendships and political manipulations - starts a revolution against the Roman bankers' oligarchy. Sheesh! Wow! Definitely sounds interesting. For those of us not literate in ancient history, you may want to find a way to clarify a "royal Herodian dissident" 

 

With her father's assistance she spearheads a rebellion, allying the entire eastern empire. As the revolt spreads, Bernice's childhood friend Alexander, now a Roman officer, reappears to convince her to end the revolt. Why? He is very loyal to Rome, etc? While disputing over the effective way to change Rome's oppression, they recognize their mutual dream of justice, and fall deeply in love. Nevertheless, they part knowing that a rebel leader and a loyal Roman officer can have no future together. 

 

Bernice and her father declare the alliance's independence, but her father is assassinated right when she needs him most. Alexander, understanding the danger Bernice is in, rushes to her, and proposes. But for the grieving Bernice, being with the only man she loves means ending her fight for her people's liberty. This is beginning to feel less like a query and more like a synopsis--"this happens, then this..." I think you could remedy this with just a little reworking (ex: "The alliance declares independence, but when Bernice loses her father to an assassin, she comes face-to-face with her choice: marrying Alexander, or pursuing her father's dream and liberating her people"...) Just a thought. 

 

Bernice must choose whether to sacrifice her happiness – and probably her life – for the masses' only chance to end their enslavement. 

 

 

THE WRONG EMPRESS is a 110,000 word work of historical fiction. It combines an amazing historical story like Donna Woolfolk Cross's Pope Joan with an innovative cultural perception like Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, displaying the contradicting Christian-Jewish and Roman-Greek worldviews, a clash which is still tearing us apart.

 

I'd love your thoughts on my query for "To Sail The Stars!" 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#62 eric balson

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 01:14 PM

Thank you! :smile:   (It's always a conflict between making it clearer and keeping it shorter...)

 

How about this version? Again, I changed mainly the hook:

 

 

After her debt-ridden father attempts suicide, Bernice - a Royal Herodian dissident with a tendency to underclass friendships and political manipulations - starts a revolution against the Roman bankers' oligarchy.

 

With her father's assistance she spearheads a rebellion, allying the entire eastern empire. As the revolt spreads, Bernice's childhood friend Alexander, now a Roman officer, reappears to convince her to end the revolt. While disputing over the effective way to change Rome's oppression, they recognize their mutual dream of justice, and fall deeply in love. Nevertheless, they part knowing that a rebel leader and a loyal Roman officer can have no future together. 

 

Bernice and her father declare the alliance's independence, but her father is assassinated right when she needs him most. Alexander, understanding the danger Bernice is in, rushes to her, and proposes. But for the grieving Bernice, being with the only man she loves means ending her fight for her people's liberty.

 

Bernice must choose whether to sacrifice her happiness – and probably her life – for the masses' only chance to end their enslavement. 

 

 

THE WRONG EMPRESS is a 110,000 word work of historical fiction. It combines an amazing historical story like Donna Woolfolk Cross's Pope Joan with an innovative cultural perception like Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, displaying the contradicting Christian-Jewish and Roman-Greek worldviews, a clash which is still tearing us apart.

 

...

 

Thank you! :smile:   (It's always a conflict between making it clearer and keeping it shorter...)

 

How about this version? Again, I changed mainly the hook:

 

 

After her debt-ridden father attempts suicide, Bernice - a Royal Herodian dissident with a tendency to underclass friendships and political manipulations - starts a revolution against the Roman bankers' oligarchy. Since, you only changed the hook it's the only thing I'm commenting on. The "royal herodian dissident" bit isn't as clear. I kind of understand what you're saying but i think it can be clearly worded. And i also don't think underclass can be used a verb

 

With her father's assistance she spearheads a rebellion, allying the entire eastern empire. As the revolt spreads, Bernice's childhood friend Alexander, now a Roman officer, reappears to convince her to end the revolt. While disputing over the effective way to change Rome's oppression, they recognize their mutual dream of justice, and fall deeply in love. Nevertheless, they part knowing that a rebel leader and a loyal Roman officer can have no future together. 

 

Bernice and her father declare the alliance's independence, but her father is assassinated right when she needs him most. Alexander, understanding the danger Bernice is in, rushes to her, and proposes. But for the grieving Bernice, being with the only man she loves means ending her fight for her people's liberty.

 

Bernice must choose whether to sacrifice her happiness – and probably her life – for the masses' only chance to end their enslavement. 

 

 

THE WRONG EMPRESS is a 110,000 word work of historical fiction. It combines an amazing historical story like Donna Woolfolk Cross's Pope Joan with an innovative cultural perception like Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, displaying the contradicting Christian-Jewish and Roman-Greek worldviews, a clash which is still tearing us apart.

 

...






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