Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Borrowed Time (Speculative Fiction) - Update in 49

Commercial Fiction Fiction New Adult

  • Please log in to reply
49 replies to this topic

#41 CM_Fick

CM_Fick

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 197 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Mark of Fate, Bad Caveman Publishing, 2011

    Self published works:
    Burden of Fate, 2012
    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 07 April 2017 - 10:31 AM

Hi CarterT, 

 

Overall I think this is coming together. Good job! 

 

I've made a few notes below, but I believe you're close with this one. Hope my comments help. 

 

________________________________________________

 

For most of his life, Alex was locked outside of time. The long years that crawled by inside the metal box, passed in the blink of an eye for the rest of the world. (I suggest reordering this sentence to something like: While time passed in the blink of an eye for the rest of the world, inside the metal box the long years crawled by for Alex.When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue he had was the number '7' tattooed on his wrist. (outside of that one quibble, I like this opening. The only other suggestion I might make is to add what that clue lead him to do, at the end, but only if you can keep it short. eg. becoming a detective.)

 

Now, with the ghosts of his tortured past as company, Detective Alex Stokes investigates crimes involving the time-stopping technology known as Borrowed Time. All evidence of those responsible for his imprisonment has vanished without a trace, and Alex is left hoping that one of his cases will give him a lead that might get him back on their trail.

 

A new case involving a tragic bombing just seems to be another dead end, until Alex makes a startling find - the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with the number '247' tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.  (I tried to sort out this paragraph, but I wasn't quite sure how to divide it. For transition, I believe it would flow better if the paragraph started with "when" (or something to show progression). And while I don't think that the content needs to be changed, I do feel like this could benefit from another period or two.) 

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he's been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last - and that one took him 23 years to escape.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near future.



#42 CarterT

CarterT

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 79 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 07 April 2017 - 01:16 PM

Thanks CM-Fick! Pretty much stealing your rewording in the first paragraph there. I like it a lot more when it's swapped. I think I may have figured out what you were talking about for the third paragraph too...

 

Updated below:

___________________________________

 

For most of his life, Alex was locked outside of time. While time passed in the blink of an eye for the rest of the world, the long years crawled by inside the metal box for Alex. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue he had was the number '7' tattooed on his wrist.

 

Now, with the ghosts of his tortured past as company, Detective Alex Stokes investigates crimes involving the time-stopping technology known as Borrowed Time. All evidence of those responsible for his imprisonment has vanished without a trace, and Alex is left hoping that one of his cases will give him a lead that might get him back on their trail.

 

When a new case involving a tragic bombing gets assigned to him, Alex expects yet another dead end. But then he makes a startling find - the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with the number '247' tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he's been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last - and that one took him 23 years to escape.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near future.



#43 CM_Fick

CM_Fick

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 197 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Mark of Fate, Bad Caveman Publishing, 2011

    Self published works:
    Burden of Fate, 2012
    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 07 April 2017 - 03:07 PM

 

When a new case involving a tragic bombing gets/is assigned to him, Alex expects yet another dead end. But then he makes a startling find - the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with the number '247' tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.

 

 

Ah yes! This is much better!! By moving his name and adding in that full stop after dead end, it makes the "find" more important imo. I also removed "the number" because it feels repetitive with the actual number directly after - this is a personal preference. 



#44 Paulsvault

Paulsvault

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 92 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Working on it

Posted 07 April 2017 - 06:50 PM

 

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he's been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last - and that one took him 23 years to escape.

 

 

My only question, and I may be having a senior moment here, even though I should be at least thirty years away from that, but is he locked back out of time again, and if so, how? It reads like he is back in there, but I don't know how. Maybe I'm just crazy though


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#45 nerdypajamas

nerdypajamas

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 55 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 08 April 2017 - 03:44 PM

Hi CarterT, thank you for critiquing my query! I hope you find my feedback useful, as well. 

 

Thanks CM-Fick! Pretty much stealing your rewording in the first paragraph there. I like it a lot more when it's swapped. I think I may have figured out what you were talking about for the third paragraph too...

 

Updated below:

___________________________________

 

For most of his life, Alex was locked outside of time. While time passed in the blink of an eye for the rest of the world, the long years crawled by inside the metal box for Alex. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue he had was the number '7' tattooed on his wrist. So how does this work? Did he come out the same age as he went in? If so, I think that could be interesting to include in your query. 

 

Now, with the ghosts of his tortured past as company, I don't love this line. It feels a bit cliche to me. Detective Alex Stokes investigates crimes involving the time-stopping technology known as Borrowed Time. All evidence of those responsible for his imprisonment has vanished without a trace, and Alex is left hoping that one of his cases will give him a lead that might get him back on their trail.

 

When a new case involving a tragic bombing gets assigned to him, Alex expects yet another dead end. But then he makes a startling find - the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with the number '247' tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target. This sentence could be more impactful by using a specific example from your novel. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he's been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time. So have the bombers locked him outside of time again? I'm a little confused, because that feels pretty massive and it was just sort of dropped in. But this cage is more complete than the last - and that one took him only <- not necessary, but it personally sounds better to me 23 years to escape. Intriguing! 

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near future.

 

 

I think you have a really interesting concept here, and I was able to follow your query pretty easily. Having said that, I do feel like your query could really pop if you described Alex's experience of being locked out of time with more detail. Obviously, you don't have to go super in-depth, but right now, being locked outside of time doesn't come across any differently than being kidnapped and held in a locked in a basement somewhere. Playing up what makes your story unique could really make a huge difference here.



#46 CarterT

CarterT

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 79 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 08 April 2017 - 06:43 PM

Few small changes based on feedback, and a couple of notes!

 

Age still continues to tick by inside Borrowed Time, so Alex didn't come out the same age as he went in. It's also why being locked out of time is so dangerous; you can die of old age in the blink of an eye. Now...explaining that in the query without getting over-complicated has been a little bit beyond me, which is why I haven't included it. In fact, many of the ins-and-outs (and downsides) of Borrowed Time are too convoluted to include here. 

 

The 'ghosts of the his tortured past' is cliche, but I am trying to convey that Alex is a bit broken by his captivity. 

 

Slightly tweaked version below (removed the 'number' and added the 'only'. Also added that he fell into a trap, hence being locked outside of time again). 

_____________________________________________

 

For most of his life, Alex was locked outside of time. While time passed in the blink of an eye for the rest of the world, the long years crawled by inside the metal box for Alex. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue he had was the number ‘7’ tattooed on his wrist.

 

Now, with the ghosts of his tortured past as company, Detective Alex Stokes investigates crimes involving the time-stopping technology known as Borrowed Time. All evidence of those responsible for his imprisonment has vanished without a trace, and Alex is left hoping that one of his cases will give him a lead that might get him back on their trail.

 

When a new case involving a tragic bombing gets assigned to him, Alex expects yet another dead end. But then he makes a startling find – the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with ‘247’ tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target, and he falls into a deadly trap. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he’s been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last – and that one only took him 23 years to escape.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near-future.



#47 RosieSkye

RosieSkye

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 612 posts
  • Literary Status:agented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 10 April 2017 - 10:27 AM

Few small changes based on feedback, and a couple of notes!

 

Age still continues to tick by inside Borrowed Time, so Alex didn't come out the same age as he went in. It's also why being locked out of time is so dangerous; you can die of old age in the blink of an eye. Now...explaining that in the query without getting over-complicated has been a little bit beyond me, which is why I haven't included it. In fact, many of the ins-and-outs (and downsides) of Borrowed Time are too convoluted to include here. 

 

The 'ghosts of the his tortured past' is cliche, but I am trying to convey that Alex is a bit broken by his captivity. 

 

Slightly tweaked version below (removed the 'number' and added the 'only'. Also added that he fell into a trap, hence being locked outside of time again). 

_____________________________________________

 

For most of his life, Alex was locked outside of time. While time (you've just said "time" twice in a row here) passed in the blink of an eye (cliche) for the rest of the world, the long years crawled by inside the metal box for Alex. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue he had was the number ‘7’ tattooed on his wrist.

 

Now, with the ghosts of his tortured past as company, Detective Alex Stokes, becomes a detective (the way it's written, it feels like you're introducing a new character) investigates crimes involving the time-stopping technology known as Borrowed Time (again, using "time" twice in a row). All evidence of those responsible for his imprisonment has vanished without a trace, and Alex is left hoping that his caseload one of his cases will give him provide a lead that might get him back on their trail.

 

When he takes on a new case involving a tragic (I'd be more specific here - "bombing of an elementary school" or whatever it is") bombing gets assigned to him (avoid passive voice), Alex expects yet another dead end. But then he makes a startling find – the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with ‘247’ tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target, and he falls into a deadly trap (cliche). If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he’s been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time (Wait, I thought he was free. Do you mean he'll have to return to the time box?). But this cage is more complete than the last – and that one only took him 23 years to escape.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near-future.

 

 

Hope this helps!



#48 Chuck_Spragins

Chuck_Spragins

    Rio rules

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 67 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationSouth America
  • Publishing Experience:Fingers crossed!

Posted 10 April 2017 - 02:18 PM

I think this is OK, but could be sharpened up substantially.

 

Hope this helps.

 

For most of his life, Alex was had been locked outside of time. While time passed in the blink of an eye for the rest of the world, tThe long years crawled by inside the metal box for Alex his metal box but passed in a flash for the rest of the world. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue as to those responsible for his imprisonment  he had was the number ‘7’ tattooed on his wrist.

 

Now, with the ghosts of his tortured past as company, only partially recovered from the experience, Detective Alex Stokes investigates crimes involving the time-stopping technology known as Borrowed Time. All evidence of those responsible for his imprisonment has vanished without a trace, This is understood since the only clue is the '7'. and Alex is left His hopeing is that one of his cases will give him a lead that might help him find his captors. get him back on their Who does 'their' refer to? trail.

 

When a new case involving a tragic bombing gets assigned to him, Alex expects yet another dead end. But then he makes a startling find – the attack was carried out using the same technology that trapped him for so many years. Confusing. The reader will think that this technology is not Borrowed Time because the discovery was startling and Alex investigates Borrowed Time cases. On the other hand, the name of the book is Borrowed Time.  While the bombers have covered their tracks, and their motives remain unknown, the discovery of a young boy with ‘247’ tattooed on his wrist may be the key to solving both cases.

 

As Alex gets closer to catching the bombers, his persistence makes him a target, and he falls into a deadly trap. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he’s been after, Alex will need to once again free prevent himself from being locked outside of time. Logically, Alex will have to either (1) prevent himself from being locked outside of time, or (2) free himself from the metal box again if he finds himself locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last – and that one only took him 23 years to escape.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near-future.



#49 CarterT

CarterT

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 79 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 12 April 2017 - 01:43 PM

Another updated version. Something about the last one was bugging me (a lot). So, I took some of the feedback, and made a few changes of my own. One of the things I've done is remove mention of the metal box at all, as it was creating a connection between it and being 'locked outside of time' that wasn't intended. The box wasn't anything special, and not responsible for Alex being trapped.

 

Stuff in green is stuff I am contemplating whether I should leave it in or take it out...

 

Updated below:

________________________________________

 

For most of his live, Detective Alex Stokes was locked outside of time. While the long years crawled by for him, time passed in a flash for the rest of the world. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, the only clue he had was the number '7' tattooed on his wrist.

 

Now, with the ghosts of his captivity for company, Alex investigates crimes involving (the) time-stopping technology (known as Borrowed Time), looking for a lead on his captors. When he takes on the investigation of a tragic airport bombing, Alex expects yet another dead end. The case seems like a simple one at first, the suspect died in the bombing after all, and it's just about figuring out why. But the deeper Alex digs, the more he finds threads of a larger plot.

 

While the leads take him from an underground fight circuit to the office of a powerful CEO, the criminal's motives continue to elude Alex. His frustrations grow as he finds himself unable to prove anything. Until he makes a startling discovery. A young boy, '247' tattooed on his wrist, may be the key to tying it all together, Alex's own past included.

 

As Alex closes in on the bombers, his persistence makes him a target, and he falls into a deadly trap. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he's been after, Alex will need to once again free himself from being locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last - and that one only took him 23 years to escape.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near future.



#50 Erevos

Erevos

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 17 April 2017 - 09:57 AM

Hey Carter!

 

 

Another updated version. Something about the last one was bugging me (a lot). So, I took some of the feedback, and made a few changes of my own. One of the things I've done is remove mention of the metal box at all, as it was creating a connection between it and being 'locked outside of time' that wasn't intended. The box wasn't anything special, and not responsible for Alex being trapped.

 

Stuff in green is stuff I am contemplating whether I should leave it in or take it out...

 

Updated below:

________________________________________

 

For most of his live, Detective Alex Stokes was locked outside of time. While the long years crawled by for him, time passed in a flash for the rest of the world. When he finally escaped, broken and bloody, The broken here works great (being locked for so long its totally understood) but I'm not so sure about bloody. It doesn't really make any impact since we don't know the reason.. the only clue he had was the number '7' tattooed on his wrist.

 

Now, with the ghosts of his captivity for company, Alex investigates crimes involving (the) time-stopping technology (known as Borrowed Time), I can't decide if I like the green or not. Both work for me. looking for a lead on his captors. When he takes on the investigation of a tragic airport bombing, Alex expects yet another dead end. The case seems like a simple one at first, the suspect died in the bombing after all, and it's just about figuring out why. That sentence doesnt really add much. You can totally omit it. But the deeper Alex digs, the more he finds threads of a larger plot.

 

While the leads take him from an underground fight circuit to the office of a powerful CEO, the criminal's motives continue to elude Alex. His frustrations grow as he finds himself unable to prove anything. Until he makes a startling discovery. A young boy, '247' tattooed on his wrist, may be the key to tying it all together, Alex's own past included.

 

As Alex closes in on the bombers, his persistence makes him a target, and he falls into a deadly trap. Not needed. If he wants to solve the mystery of the young boy, and get the answers he's been after, Alex will need to once again free Hm, free? himself from being locked outside of time. But this cage is more complete than the last - and that one only took him 23 years to escape. I like the last paragraph, but perhaps you can reword it a bit, especially the first sentence. You can also remove it in my opinion without ruining anything.

 

BORROWED TIME is speculative fiction aimed at a new-adult audience, complete at 130,000 words, and set in the near future.

 

Great great progress! I think you are almost there.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Commercial Fiction, Fiction, New Adult

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users


    Google (1)