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Worthless (Fantasy) - Update in 22

Fiction Adventure Fantasy New Adult Thrillers/Suspense Young Adult

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#21 Bananas

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 05:44 PM

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with trying something completely new.  I had to do that between version one and two.  Just be sure you don't cut out what makes your story special.



#22 CarterT

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Posted 08 April 2017 - 06:35 PM

Back to an earlier draft, with Nia back in the picture. Maybe this answers some of the questions that people had about the content of the old version. 

 

Updated below:

_______________________________________

 

X’s life has never been easy in the slums of the walled city of Haven, but that’s nothing compared to what he’s in for when he unknowingly absconds with the city’s god-like ruler.

 

Unaware of her true identity, and knowing her only as Nia, X leaves the protection of the city with her in search of a freedom neither of them has ever known. As the city’s guards inexplicably race after them in pursuit, X does what he’s always done when he’s gotten the authorities’ attention – he runs. 

 

After a narrow escape, X and Nia navigate the desolate highways and long-dead cities of a forgotten nation. Deserted hotels and cold caves provide only temporary safety. Every time X thinks they’ve lost the soldiers, they reappear to pick up the chase, and X begins to wonder just why they are so determined to take Nia back. 

 

But when Nia and X awaken to screams late one night, they realize that the soldiers may be the least of their worries. The legends of creatures made of liquid shadows, the ones that ended the world, are true. And the only thing that seems to keep them at bay is the light.

 

As X and Nia race to escape the growing numbers of soldiers during the day, and huddle in pools of lantern-light to keep the darkness at bay, the truth of Nia’s identity finally comes out. Now, with danger closing in from all sides, X realizes that his promise to keep Nia safe may be a promise he will live to regret, or die trying to keep.

 

WORTHLESS is a fantasy with series potential, complete at 110,000 words.



#23 CarterT

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Posted 12 April 2017 - 01:49 PM

Made a couple of small corrections to the above post. Since I retype it every time, spelling errors sneak in.



#24 Paulsvault

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Posted 12 April 2017 - 06:06 PM

Back to an earlier draft, with Nia back in the picture. Maybe this answers some of the questions that people had about the content of the old version. 

 

Updated below:

_______________________________________

 

X’s life has never been easy in the slums of the walled city of Haven, but that’s nothing compared to what he’s in for when he unknowingly absconds with the city’s god-like ruler.

 

Unaware of her true identity, and knowing her only as Nia, X leaves the protection of the city with her in search of a freedom neither of them has ever known. It may be nit-picky but I have to wonder why they leave the protection of the city in search of freedom. Maybe that's part of the mystery of the story (which is fine) but if there is a way to drop a hint about the freedom it could help? Just a thought. As the city’s guards inexplicably race after them in pursuit, X does what he’s always done when he’s gotten the authorities’ attention – he runs. 

 

After a narrow escape, X and Nia navigate the desolate highways and long-dead cities of a forgotten nation. Deserted hotels and cold caves provide only temporary safety. Every time X thinks they’ve lost the soldiers, they reappear to pick up the chase, and X begins to wonder just why they are so determined to take Nia back. 

 

But when Nia and X awaken to screams late one night, they realize that the soldiers may be the least of their worries. The legends of creatures made of liquid shadows, the ones that ended the world, are true. And the only thing that seems to keep them at bay is the light.

 

As X and Nia race to escape the growing numbers of soldiers during the day, and huddle in pools of lantern-light to keep the darkness at bay, the truth of Nia’s identity finally comes out. Now, with danger closing in from all sides, X realizes that his promise to keep Nia safe may be a promise he will live to regret, or die trying to keep.

 

WORTHLESS is a fantasy with series potential, complete at 110,000 words.

After going back and reading the previous versions, which were well written and in a story-telling tone, this query reads very professionally. I like the way it flows and I am interested in continuing after each sentence. The creatures made of liquid shadow sound quite terrifying and with them being hunted on all sides gives a wonderful conflict. Well done.


Please check out my query

Warrior for the Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-na-fantasy/


#25 newb

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 06:29 AM

Back to an earlier draft, with Nia back in the picture. Maybe this answers some of the questions that people had about the content of the old version. 

 

Updated below:

_______________________________________

 

X’s life has never been easy in the slums of the walled city of Haven, but that’s nothing compared to what he’s in for when he unknowingly absconds (I know what you're trying to say, but I'm not 100% sure this is the right way to use this word) with the city’s god-like ruler.

 

Unaware of her true identity, and knowing her only as Nia, X leaves the protection of the city with her in search of a freedom neither of them has ever known. (I'm not sure on this as a motivation to leave the safety of this city with a stranger he knows nothing about. There must be a more compelling reason). As the city’s guards inexplicably race after them in pursuit (there's definitely a better way to say this. race after them or pursue them, but maybe not race after in pursuit), X does what he’s always done when he’s gotten the authorities’ attention – he runs. (seems to be a tense shift in here).

 

After a narrow escape, X and Nia navigate the desolate highways and long-dead cities of a forgotten nation. Deserted hotels and cold caves provide only temporary safety. Every time X thinks they’ve lost the soldiers, they reappear to pick up the chase, and X begins to wonder just why they are so determined to take Nia back. 

 

But when Nia and X awaken to screams late one night, they realize that the soldiers may be the least of their worries. The legends of creatures made of liquid shadows, the ones that ended the world, are true. And the only thing that seems to keep them at bay is the light. (I like this threat, and it seems more important than the previous paragraph about the soldiers turning up all the time. You could probably leave out the other paragraph or just keep a little for setting and then just have this).

 

As X and Nia race to escape (you've used "race" earlier and it might work better to change this one or the other one) the growing numbers of soldiers during the day, and huddle in pools of lantern-light to keep the darkness at bay at night? just to keep with "the day" sentence previously, the truth of Nia’s identity finally comes out. Now, with danger closing in from all sides, X realizes that his promise to keep Nia safe may be a promise he will live to regret, or die trying to keep. (I think his promise to help her needs to come out as part of his motivation to run with her. Then this would make more sense. Not sure why he'd bother otherwise).

 

WORTHLESS is a fantasy with series potential, complete at 110,000 words.



#26 eric balson

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 09:37 AM

Back to an earlier draft, with Nia back in the picture. Maybe this answers some of the questions that people had about the content of the old version. 

 

Updated below:

_______________________________________

 

X’s life has never been easy in the slums of the walled city of Haven, but that’s nothing compared to what he’s in for when he unknowingly absconds with the city’s god-like ruler.

 

Unaware of her true identity, and knowing her only as Nia, X leaves the protection of the city with her in search of a freedom neither of them has ever known. To echo the words of the previous poster, X's reason for leaving isn't compellingAs the city’s guards inexplicably race after them in pursuit, X does what he’s always done when he’s gotten the authorities’ attention – he runs. 

 

After a narrow escape, X and Nia navigate the desolate highways and long-dead cities of a forgotten nation. Deserted hotels and cold caves provide only temporary safety. Every time X thinks they’ve lost the soldiers, they reappear to pick up the chase, and X begins to wonder just why they are so determined to take Nia back.   This is starting to sound more like a synopsis.

 

But when Nia and X awaken to screams late one night, they realize that the soldiers may be the least of their worries. The legends of creatures made of liquid shadows, the ones that ended the world, are true. And the only thing that seems to keep them at bay is the light.

 

As X and Nia race to escape the growing numbers of soldiers during the day, and huddle in pools of lantern-light to keep the darkness at bay, the truth of Nia’s identity finally comes out. Now, with danger closing in from all sides, X realizes that his promise to keep Nia safe may be a promise he will live to regret, or die trying to keep. Why does X care about Nia so much? What's in it for him?

 

WORTHLESS is a fantasy with series potential, complete at 110,000 words.

Take a look at my query (Post Number:39): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-2







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Adventure, Fantasy, New Adult, Thrillers/Suspense, Young Adult

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