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Animality (YA Urban Fantasy)

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#21 eric balson

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Posted 02 April 2017 - 03:44 PM

Thanks again for your help and your encouraging words. Always happy to reciprocate! Here's the latest (slightly tweaked) draft:

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but seventeen-year-old Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, Not neccesary b'se when she's a cat she's already shifted, at least that's the presumption I've made allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses to steal from London’s rich elite and giving to themselves. But when Raphael Spire, son of a famous billionaire, witnesses Kat shift during a heist, they’ve no option but to kidnap him. Soon the whole of London knows, and the answers they seek come seeking them. And so does something far worse: The Night Terror - the golden-eyed panther who’s been carving a bloody path through London. So, wait, The Night Terror comes after them because they've kidnapped a billionaire's son or because the world is aware of their existence, as implied in the subseuent paragraph? I suggest making it clear in the line: "Soon the whole of London knows ..." 

 

Now she’s stuck with the self-satisfied Raphael. But the smug heir’s not her biggest problem: vicious, vaguely familiar men are descending on them, armed not to kill, but to capture. Or, if her crew are correct, recapture. Contrary to nerdypajamas, I believe the line right before this is important because we get the sense that the crew suspect these men have something to do with their pasts   During a showdown with the men, Kat’s separated from her crew and Raphael is accidentally cut by the Terror, transforming him into one of them: an animal. Kat agrees to help the stricken heir find a cure Why does she agree to this? Do they become friends/fall in love? but soon needs his help when one of her crew is abducted right under her nose. If Kat is to have any chance of curing Raphael and rescuing her friend from the dangerous men, she must form a dangerous alliance with the Terror, whose bloodlust could cost her any chance of recovering her precious memories. 

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention

 

must say, this is quiet the odd story. My major problem with it is that it reads more like a synopsis than a query. I would skip the part of Ralphael's transformation and head straight to where her crew is captured to make this more taut. I feel we can do about that subplot of his transformation. From what I gather, the incident that leads Kat into a high stakes mission to rescue her friend is their capture and not Ralphael's transformation. Hope this helps!



#22 CarterT

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Posted 02 April 2017 - 05:44 PM

 

 

Now she’s stuck with the self-satisfied Raphael. But the smug heir’s not her biggest problem: vicious, vaguely familiar men are descending on them, armed not to kill, but to capture. Or, if her crew are correct, recapture. During a showdown with the men, Kat’s separated from her crew and Raphael is accidentally cut by the Terror, transforming him into one of them: an animal. Kat agrees to help the stricken heir find a cure but soon needs his help when one of her crew is abducted right under her nose. If Kat is to have any chance of curing Raphael and rescuing her friend from the dangerous men, she must form a dangerous alliance with the Terror, whose bloodlust could cost her any chance of recovering her precious memories. 

 

I think this paragraph is where most of the uneasiness is coming from when reading the query. The first few paragraphs are still pretty tight (I think), but too much is happening in these quoted few lines. This is where it becomes more like a synopsis, and less about Kat. We don't know why she cares that Raphael is changing (he kind of sounds like a jerk, so...) . And, 'accidentally' cut by the Terror? Wasn't it coming after them? I think focusing on rescuing her friends and getting her memories back should be the bigger focus. 

 

I think you covered enough about Raphael and kidnapping him in this query (he brought the men and the terror down on them), and you can leave it there for the time being. If you're going to do that, you could even remove the 'kidnapping facet, and just change it to a 'botched job'. Then focus on the men capturing her friends (the recapturing is important, but needs to be worded differently) and Kat's need to recover them. You should leave in the deal-making with the terror, but Raphael just complicates things needlessly. 

 

 

 But when Raphael Spire, son of a famous billionaire, witnesses Kat shift during a heist, they’ve no option but to kidnap him.  Kat and crew botch a high-profile job, their existence is revealed to the city. Soon the whole of London knows, and the answers they seek come seeking them. And so does something far worse: The Night Terror - the golden-eyed panther who’s been carving a bloody path through London.

 

Maybe that helps tie in why the Terror comes after them as well? 

 

Hope this helps!



#23 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 03:11 PM

Very interesting story, but I think the query could be a bit sharper.

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but seventeen-year-old Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it - word choice. Perhaps metamorphosis, anamality complex ... - happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced - enhanced or feline? - senses to steal from London’s rich - redundant -elite and giving to themselves. But when Raphael Spire, son of a famous billionaire, witnesses Kat shift during a heist, they’ve no option but to kidnap him - there are always options; kill him, blow it off .... Soon the whole of London knows - Knows that Kat and her crew are transformers, or that Raphael has been kidnapped? k- , and the answers they  - who, Kat and her crew, or the whole of London? - seek come seeking them - same question - . And so does something far worse: The Night Terror - the golden-eyed panther who’s been carving a bloody path through London. This comes out of the blue. Needs some context.

 

Now she’s stuck with the self-satisfied Raphael. But the smug heir’s not her biggest problem: vicious, vaguely familiar men are descending on them, armed not to kill, but to capture. Or, if her crew are correct, recapture. During a showdown with the men, Kat’s separated from her crew and Raphael is accidentally cut by the Terror, transforming him into one of them: an animal. Kat agrees to help the stricken heir find a cure - For the Anamilaty complex?  What makes him want that when Kat and her crew do not? All they want are their memories. but soon needs his help when one of her crew is abducted right under her nose. If Kat is to have any chance of curing Raphael and rescuing her friend from the dangerous men, she must form a dangerous alliance with the Terror, whose bloodlust could cost her any chance of recovering her precious memories. 

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention

 

Hope this helps. Perhaps you could take a look at my query, RIVER PLATE BASIN.



#24 Arcanjoe

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 07:55 AM

So I've cut the Terror and Raphael and I've made it Kat-centric. I've also gotten rid of her age at the beginning because, naturally, she wouldn't know it. I'd love opinions on this draft. Always happy to reciprocate. Thanks!

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, agiler and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if their little inner-animal problem wasn't enough, any trace of them ever existing has been wiped from the internet. So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and giving to themselves. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry after she breaks her own cardinal rule, vicious, vaguely familiar men descend on them, armed not to kill, but to capture. Or, if her crew are correct, to recapture. 

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the dangerous men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use the strength lent to her by her inner-animal and every one of the skills she's learned as a thief. But if she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them back again. And this time there will be no escape.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Animality:

http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/

 


#25 CarterT

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 02:21 PM

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, agiler (is that even a word? More agile?) and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever sinceand she's kept them close ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. - Okay, I didn't do that as well as I could...but I think if you start that middle part with 'they've', then you're changing the perspective of the query, which interrupts the flow. As if their little inner-animal problem wasn't enough - Why is it a problem?  They are faster and stronger. Wouldn't most people want this?, any trace of them ever existing has been wiped from the internet. - This sentence makes me go 'huh?' Do you mean their old lives? Or their new lives? I got lost with this, and maybe you need to change the focus back to them not being able to find anything about themselves on the internet.  So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and giving back to themselves. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry after she breaks her own cardinal rule, vicious, vaguely familiar men descend on them, armed not to kill, but to capture. - Or, if her crew are correct, to recapture. - This sentence runs on a bit. So many commas! I think it's important info, but you need to find a way to break it up a bit.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the dangerous - Must be a better word than dangerous. men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use the strength lent to her by her inner-animal and every one of the skills she's learned as a thief. But if she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them back again. And this time there will be no escape. I like how you end this off.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention

I like the removal of Raphael and the Terror. Well gone keeping it focused on Kat. It removes a lot of the conflicting plots. My only real question from this one is why Kat and the other things the animality is such a bad thing. What's the downside? The loss of memories I could understand, but that isn't what you've emphasized in the query as the thing they have the problem with.



#26 Arcanjoe

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Posted 08 April 2017 - 05:44 PM

Thanks CarterT. You pointed out something very useful with the "every trace of their existence" part, and I've clarified that now. Same with the problem of their Animality. Though I would argue that if anyone woke up without their memory and with the ability to transform into an animal they'd want to know how the hell it happened. But I hope I'm not giving the impression that Kat doesn't enjoy the benefits of it. I've shown in the first para that she does. She just wants to know who made her that way, which I think is only natural. I've also rewritten the "armed not to kill, but to capture" part and made it more personal to Kat. I think it works far better know. What do you think? Thanks for your continued support everyone. I appreciate it!

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if the mystery of their inner-animal isn't enough, any trace of their old lives has been wiped from the internet. So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and giving to themselves. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry after she breaks her own cardinal rule, vicious, vaguely familiar men soon descend, armed with electrified whips that strike fear into her heart. She actually remembers how the weapons char flesh and disable muscle, which means the men have not just come to capture but to recapture them.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the whip-wielding men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use the strength lent to her by her inner-animal and every one of the skills she's learned as a thief. But if she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them back again. And this time there will be no escape.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Animality:

http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/

 


#27 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 09 April 2017 - 09:39 AM

Before getting to your query, I want to thank you for your comments on mine. This whole process, and especially your remarks, have forced me to come to grips with some really basic questions about my book, like who is the MC and what is the core story. It's hard to write a query if you don't answer them. I should post a new version in the next day or so and hope you'll take another look.

 

Now on to your query. I think that you have done a really great job and have a finished product here, or very close. My comments below are more related to style than substance, so (obviously) take or discard them as you wish.  

 

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if the mystery of their inner-animal isn't enough, any trace of their old lives has been wiped from the internet.

 

I would start a new paragraph here. So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and giveing to themselves. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry after she breaks her own cardinal rule, vicious, vaguely familiar men soon descend on them, armed with electrified whips that strike fear into her heart. She actually remembers how the weapons char flesh and disable muscle, which means the men have not just come to capture but to recapture them.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the whip-wielding men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use the strength lent to her by her inner-animal strength and every one of the skills she's has learned as a thief. But iIf she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them back something besides captured, caged maybe again. And this time there will be no escape. I think this is a good ending, even though you do not explain why there will be no escape.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention



#28 CarterT

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Posted 09 April 2017 - 01:42 PM

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. - Don't know if you need to change anything here, but a question popped into my mind when I read it this time: Does everybody who has an animality turn into cats? Or just her? You might be able to add a word in here that makes it specific to her (if that's the case. Maybe?Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if the mystery of their inner-animal isn't enough, - I really like this small change. From a problem to a mystery, nicely done. any trace of their old lives has been wiped from the internet. - This also makes more sense to me now. So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and giving to themselves - Still feel like you need another 'beat' in the sentence. This may sound strange, but it reads too smoothly. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry after she breaks her own cardinal rule, - You don't say what the cardinal rule is, so I don't think you should mention this. vicious, vaguely familiar men soon descend, armed with electrified whips that strike fear into their hearts (you've been using 'they' throughout the sentence, so it's odd to change it just to her at the end) her heart. She actually remembers how the weapons char flesh and disable - I think you need a word other than disable here. It's a good word, but it breaks the flow of how the sentence reads. Stun? Freeze? Lock? None of those seem right, but the syllable count works better. muscle, which means the men have not just come to capture them - but to recapture them. but to recapture them.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the whip-wielding men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use the strength lent to her by her inner-animal and every one of the skills she's learned as a thief. But if she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them back again. And this time there will be no escape. - I agree with the small changes Chuck suggested for this paragraph. 

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. Thank you for your time and attention

 

You've come a long way to get to this point! A much better query. It doesn't have a synopsis feel (to me) but gives me a good idea where the story is going. Good work!



#29 emhop

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Posted 10 April 2017 - 08:04 PM

Thanks CarterT. You pointed out something very useful with the "every trace of their existence" part, and I've clarified that now. Same with the problem of their Animality. Though I would argue that if anyone woke up without their memory and with the ability to transform into an animal they'd want to know how the hell it happened. But I hope I'm not giving the impression that Kat doesn't enjoy the benefits of it. I've shown in the first para that she does. She just wants to know who made her that way, which I think is only natural. I've also rewritten the "armed not to kill, but to capture" part and made it more personal to Kat. I think it works far better know. What do you think? Thanks for your continued support everyone. I appreciate it!

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Every human on earth (sounds like you could drop human and just say everyone) has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. (Love this voice.) Problem is (add comma) she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve since been running beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if the mystery of their inner-animal isn't enough (maybe something like 'worse yet?' You don't need so many words), any trace of their old lives has been wiped from the internet. So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and giving to themselves. (Surviving on their Animalities, Kat and her crew steal from...') As leader, she keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry after she breaks her own cardinal rule (which is?), vicious, vaguely familiar men soon descend, armed with electrified whips that strike fear into her heart. She actually remembers how the weapons char flesh and disable muscle, which means the men have not just come to capture but to recapture them.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the whip-wielding men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use the strength lent to her by her inner-animal and every one of the skills she's learned as a thief. But if she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them back again. And this time there will be no escape.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 

 

Thank you for your time and attention

Cool concept you have here! At times, I felt like it didn't read like a query. But some minor tweaks in wording and you're solid!



#30 Arcanjoe

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 06:38 PM

Thanks again for all the help. From what people are saying this is getting close now and it's more about tweaking the words rather than the content. I've implemented some of the suggested changes and I think the query is stronger for it. New draft below. Thanks for your continued help everyone!

 

Dear (Agent)

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps, which is handy when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if the mystery of their inner-animal problem wasn't enough, any trace of their old lives has been wiped from the internet. So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and give to themselves. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry, vicious, vaguely familiar men soon descend on them, armed with electrified whips that strike fear into her heart. She actually remembers how the weapons char flesh and paralyze muscle, which means the men have not just come to capture but to recapture them.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the whip-wielding men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use her inner-animal’s strength and every skill she has learned as a thief. If she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them caged again. And this time there will be no escape.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 
 
Thank you for your time and attention

I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Animality:

http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/

 


#31 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 08:05 AM

Suggestion: Replace 'more agile' with 'swifter'.

:smile:

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#32 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 10:17 AM

Strike the word "soon" from para 2.

I'm having trouble with the phrase "While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past..." If she has no memory, she won't have access to those pieces and cannot know if her past was troubled or otherwise. Perhaps she has glimpses of things, like the flesh charring weapons (that is great, by the way - what an image!), and you can work with that. Maybe substitute "While Kat ponders a few recollected fragments that could be her past...." I'm sure you can do better than that. Just an idea.

Very minor points. This is a great query.

#33 CM_Fick

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 12:17 PM

 

Thanks again for all the help. From what people are saying this is getting close now and it's more about tweaking the words rather than the content. I've implemented some of the suggested changes and I think the query is stronger for it. New draft below. Thanks for your continued help everyone!

 

Dear (Agent)

 

Every human on earth has a personality, but Kat has an Animality, allowing which allows (I suggest this change to remove a comma. too many in the opening sentence will slow down the eye and make the reader pause -- especially since the next sentence is heavy on the commas) her to transform into a black cat at will. Sure, it takes time and hurts like hell, but the animal inside makes her stronger, more agile and, when shifted, allows her to sneak into peoples’ homes through their cat-flaps(full stop), which It's handy skill when you’re a thief. Problem is she has no idea how it happened or who she was before waking up in a dark forest a year ago.

 

Two others woke beside Kat that night, and they’ve been beside her ever since, intent on reclaiming their precious memories. As if the mystery of their inner-animal problem wasn't enough, any trace of their old lives has been wiped from the internet. (if they don't know who they were before, how would they know their previous lives had been erased?) Without identities, So Kat and her crew have survived the last year by using their enhanced senses and Animalities to steal from London’s corrupt elite and give to provide for themselves. As their leader, Kat keeps them fed, watered and alive, and they abide by her rules. (unnecessary imo) But when a heist they've been planning for months goes awry, vicious, vaguely familiar men soon descend on them, armed with electrified whips(full stop) that strike fear into her heart. (You reveal her fear in the next sentence, so this creates repetition) She actually remembers how the weapons char flesh and paralyze muscle, which means the men have not just come to capture but to recapture them.

 

While Kat’s putting together the pieces of her troubled past, one of her crew is kidnapped by the whip-wielding men. To rescue her friend and reclaim her memories, Kat must use her inner-animal’s strength and every skill she has learned as a thief. If she fails, the men will have exactly what they want: all three of them caged again. And this time there will be no escape.

 

ANIMALITY is a YA Urban Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. I’ve recently had two crime fiction books published with Carina UK (now HQ Stories), a subsidiary of Harper Collins. 
 
Thank you for your time and attention

 

Hi Arcanjoe, 

 

I've critiqued mostly for flow, although there is one sentence that seems to be a bit of a logic-loop. Most of the red is me explaining my reasons for the removals. 

 

Overall, I think you've laid out a compelling story with clear stakes. 

 

Hope this helps.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Young Adult, Fantasy, Fiction

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