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Query: Eureka-Impossible Things


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#1 Benjamminjones

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 11:22 PM

Hey guys, been away from this site for a while after taking my last novel to a proper editor. Now I'm ready to go out again and try and query agents again. Let me know what you think. Thanks! 

 

 

Dear [Agent],

Walter Cruz never thought traveling among the stars would be so dangerous, let alone even be possible. That was before he met Eureka Green. Since then things have gone spiraling out of control. At first those nightly trips to the stars with Eureka were addicting, now he is consumed by a wild goose chase surrounding the fastest ship ever built, and an all-knowing alien artifact called: The Atlas. Unfortunately, he’s come too far to simply look the other way.

                Eureka is a member of a secret society of star travelers called Jockeys. Employed by the corporate monopoly, Indigo Industries, the Jockeys are tasked with searching the galaxy for advanced artifacts. Like all Jockeys, Eureka uses a volatile yet powerful device called an Anchor to travel to the furthest corners of the galaxy. As her partner, Walter has committed himself to traveling alongside her, but after all that’s happened, he’s finding it more and more difficult to live up to his word.

           Eureka is obsessed with the rumor that her dead father is still alive somewhere in deep space, and so far, her search has turned up, empty. Out of desperation she enlists the help of a treacherous ex-Jockey known as The Maverick, and defies the direct orders of Indigo by keeping the extremely valuable Atlas from them. She had hoped the Atlas would point her in the right direction, but instead it has given her more questions than answers. Walter is beginning to realize Eureka will risk everything to uncover the truth, even if it means both of their lives. He is now faced with a choice: continue to follow Eureka, or break his promise and let the other Jockeys intervene. Whichever choice he makes, he must do so quickly, as there is no telling what she plans to do next.  

Eureka: Impossible Things, is a 97,000-word science fiction novel that follows the fantastic and harrowing adventures of Walter Cruz as he follows Eureka across the stars. The novel is based on a short story I wrote that took 3rd place at Writer’s Digest 81st Annual Short Story Contest and is to be my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,



#2 Testome

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 12:46 AM



Hey guys, been away from this site for a while after taking my last novel to a proper editor. Now I'm ready to go out again and try and query agents again. Let me know what you think. Thanks! 

 

 

Dear [Agent],

Walter Cruz never thought traveling among the stars would be so dangerous, let alone even be possible. That was before he met Eureka Green. Since then things have gone spiraling out of control. This line is so vague ot doesn't really tell us anything. And you need your first line to hhok your reader really.At first those nightly trips to the stars with Eureka were addicting, now he is consumed by a wild goose chase surrounding the fastest ship ever built, and an all-knowing alien artifact called: The Atlas. Unfortunately, he’s come too far to simply look the other way. This line is also vague your claim of how much they've gone through feels far fecteched right now.

                Eureka is a member of a secret society of star travelers called Jockeys. Employed by the corporate monopoly, Indigo Industries, the Jockeys are tasked with searching the galaxy for advanced artifacts. Like all Jockeys, Eureka uses a volatile yet powerful device called an Anchor to travel to the furthest corners of the galaxy. As her partner, Walter has committed himself to traveling alongside her, but after all that’s happened i still didn't read anything that warranted this., he’s finding it more and more difficult to live up to his word. This last line is another really vague statement.

           Eureka is obsessed with the rumor that her dead father is still alive somewhere in deep space, and so far, her search has turned up, empty. Out of desperation she enlists the help of a treacherous ex-Jockey known as The Maverick, and defies the direct orders of Indigo by keeping the extremely valuable Atlas from them. She had hoped the Atlas would point her in the right direction, but instead it has given her more questions than answers. Another vague spot here. Walter is beginning to realize Eureka will risk everything to uncover the truth, even if it means both of their lives. He is now faced with a choice: continue to follow Eureka, or break his promise What promise? did you mean just working with him?and let the other Jockeys intervene. Whichever choice he makes, he must do so quickly, as there is no telling what she plans to do next.   Serves no purpose.

Eureka: Impossible Things, is a 97,000-word science fiction novel that follows the fantastic and harrowing adventures of Walter Cruz as he follows Eureka across the stars. The novel is based on a short story I wrote that took 3rd place at Writer’s Digest 81st Annual Short Story Contest and is to be my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

There are a few problems. First, you do a lot of telling and a lot of it's vague so when you make grand statements like out of depression or all that's happened it seems hard to believe. Second, If Eureka is the mc, I would start with him.  Walter is reading like a bystander that could be removed from the query and we would hardly lose anything. And when used words like promise or phrases like their word I wasn't sure what you were referring to beyond working with Eureka, but you made it sound more important.






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