First, I have to say that this is a pretty solid start for a first time author. Query is professional, and though I was confused a lot, I can see there is a great story in there.
Okay, as a first time reader who has no idea about your book I will give you my first impressions and let you decide on where you go from there. Sometimes it can sound harsh, but I'm just giving you my fresh eyes perspective. :)
For over a decade, the aliens have walked among humans. In exchange for their place on the planet, the Zorin have gifted the human race amazing psychic power -- a deadly weapon in the wrong hands.
Sounds like an interesting idea- I just don't quite understand. So- everyone accepts that the Zorin walk amongst us humans? And was every human being gifted psychic abilities? Yes, everyone accepts that they walk among humans. And yes, everyone accepts them, because they gifted everyone the psychic abilities
Built like m
an men . . . (and woman women), This was supposed to be "man" the species, like mankind, I may clarify this if more people don't get it. you can distinguish the Zorin by their fiery yellow eyes. But Dax Carter has never seen one. A young teenager, Tell us his specific age, [ok]Dax lives happily in the southern town of Brissal, (As an Australian, I wouldn't have a clue where Brissal is. Maybe make it a bit more specific, like southern California, or whatever)Brissal is actually his made-up hometown, is that too confusing? should I just take out the name? filled with green grass and dirt roads. It’s a far distance from the rising technology of the eastern capitol.
Dax’s tranquil life begins to s
piral out of control (try to avoid using clichés in query's, it just smacks of unoriginality ) when a mad scientist, bent on further unlocking the potential of the mind, (whose mind? I'm a bit confused now.) he experiments with humans, he wants to unlock the potential of the "mind"-- in general. escapes from prison and resumes his research, creating deadly monsters (how?, and why?) the how is with brain surgery. the why is stated earlier (to unlock potential,aka more psychic power). failed experiments turn into monsters. I didn't want to go into too much detail in the short synopsis (maybe i should say more?). The dreaded chaos (those two words are a little uninspiring) hits home when Dax’s mother is the victim of an attack. (But what attack? You mean she was attacked by a monster? Also, how was she attacked by a monster because I thought they lived away from all the chaos?!) Yes, she was attacked by a monster. The scientist hides out near Dax's hometown after escaping prison. I guess I could mention that.
With his friends in tow, Dax must learn how to control his power (the psychic thing that everyone has? Why didn't his Mum use it?!) Yes, the psychic powers. The power is like any other talent, everyone can do it, but at varying levels -- adults the worst. as he fights against a new breed of villain, the dark mysterious Shadow, (Are these the monsters that the mad scientist created?) The monsters have a different name and have a history in the story, the Shadow is a new "thing" --possibly the mad scientist who has achieved his goal and turned himself into a supermonster -- but it's a mystery for this book. who drains the life of his prey and stirs up a war between the humans and Zorin.
Just when things couldn’t get worse, Dax turns to his best friend for help, only to find sutured stitches running down his spine and black eyes filled with evil. (Huh? Is his best friend a Shadow now?) I don't understand. Yes, his best friend was turned into one of the original monsters. This was supposed to be a final hook, leaving you hanging and guessing (but kinda obvious at the same time)
Thanks for all of your comments. They are helpful to know where I was unclear. I answered all of your questions. Please let me know which points you think I should actually put in the synopsis, that you think would possibly make it better (more clear) without bloating it too much with detail.
AWAKENED is complete at 105K words and is the first book of a planned trilogy, although it stands alone with a clear ending. I believe it might attract the fans of other dystopian YA fantasy novels such as the 5th Wave by Rick Yancey. I liked that book.
I’m a young scientist, living in Boston, who does cancer research. So awesome! I have published articles in scientific journals, but this is my first foray into the literary arts. I would be glad to send you pages of my manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and consideration,
I think there is a great book in there, I just think there is a bit more explaining that needs to happen to pull it together more cohesively.