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Awakened (YA Fantasy) - Revised in Post#85 will return crit!


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#81 ddcash80

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Posted 26 April 2017 - 12:01 AM

REVISED:

Dear Agent,

When two friends enter the forest and run into a psychic-powered creature called a Hollow, only one makes it out of the darkness. Now, fifteen-year-old Dax Carter must overcome his fear and face the monsters to find his friend Seven.

All of mankind received the gift of psychic power years ago, but dark science forced some to trade their sanity for greater power -- humans turned Hollow.

One night, Dax returns home from searching the woods for his friend, and he finds a Hollow at his doorstep. Dax is beaten to the ground as his mother takes the worst of the attack, ending up in the hospital. But Dax’s heart is more pained by the fact that the culprit was his friend Seven, paled with Hollow eyes. Dax tells authorities, “It was a Hollow,” keeping the truth and the burden to himself.

Knowing his weakness, Dax joins a special academy to train his power, learning how to build psychic energy into a handful of brilliant light, shot forward in powerful blasts. In town, Seven uses his power for evil alongside the dark savages, wrecking buildings and assaulting innocent people.

When Dax finally collides with the monster that carries his best friend’s face, he must choose between saving his town and saving his friend.



#82 Erevos

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Posted 26 April 2017 - 07:55 AM

Hey ddcash!

REVISED:

Dear Agent,

When two friends enter the forest and run into a psychic-powered creature called a Hollow, only one makes it out of the darkness. Now, fifteen-year-old Dax Carter must overcome his fear and face the monsters to find his friend Seven. I like the hook, it makes me wonder what those creatures are.

All of mankind received the gift of psychic power years ago, but dark science forced some to trade their sanity for greater power -- humans turned Hollow. I believe you can use a stronger word than "trade" here, since trade implies willingly. That's my impression though..

One night, Dax returns home from searching the woods for his friend, and he finds a Hollow at his doorstep. Dax is beaten to the ground as his mother takes the worst of the attack, ending up in the hospital. But Dax’s heart is more pained by the fact that the culprit was his friend Seven, paled with Hollow eyes. Afterward, Dax tells authorities, “It was a Hollow,” keeping the truth and the burden to himself.  The last sentence is...well not strong enough. Even a simple: Dax keeps the truth from the authorities, fearing that / etc. , is stronger in my opinion.

Knowing his weakness, Dax joins a special academy to train his power, You can remove the rest and it still works. No reason to get into much detail. learning how to build psychic energy into a handful of brilliant light, shot forward in powerful blasts. In town, Seven uses his power for evil alongside the dark savages, wrecking buildings and assaulting innocent people. You can change it a bit and glue it with your closing, something like: As dark savages/dark forces/etc cause havoc in the city, Dax finally collides with Seven.... bla bla bla.

When Dax finally collides with the monster that carries his best friend’s face, he must choose between saving his town and saving his friend.



#83 ddcash80

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Posted 26 April 2017 - 08:47 PM

REVISED:

 

Dear Agent,

 

When two friends enter the forest and run into a psychic-powered creature called a Hollow, only one makes it out of the darkness. Now, fifteen-year-old Dax Carter must overcome his fear and face the monsters to find his friend Seven.

 

All of mankind received the gift of psychic power years ago, but dark science forced some to give up their sanity for greater power -- humans turned Hollow.

 

One night, Dax returns home from searching the woods for his friend, and he finds a Hollow at his doorstep. Dax is beaten to the ground as his mother takes the worst of the attack, ending up in the hospital. Broken hearted, Dax tells authorities, “It was a Hollow,” keeping the truth to himself -- that the culprit was his friend Seven, paled with Hollow eyes.

 

Dax joins a special academy to train his power, while Seven joins the dark savages, terrorizing their town. When Dax finally collides with the monster that carries his best friend’s face, he must choose between saving his town and saving his lost friend.



#84 bkarperien

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 01:02 PM

REVISED:

 

Dear Agent,

 

When two friends enter the forest and run into a psychic-powered creature called a Hollow, a monster created by a combination of psychic power and dark science, only one makes it out of the darkness. Now, fifteen-year-old Dax Carter must overcome his fear and face the monsters to find his friend Seven.

 

All of mankind received the gift of psychic power years ago, but dark science forced some to give up their sanity for greater power -- humans turned Hollow.

 

One night, Dax returns home from searching the woods to find a Hollow at his doorstep. Dax is beaten to the ground as his mother takes the worst of the attack, ending up in the hospital. Broken-hearted, Dax tells authorities, “It was a Hollow”, keeping the truth to himself -- that the culprit was his friend Seven, paled with Hollow eyes.

 

Determined to protect those he loves, Dax joins a special academy to train his innate psychic power, while Seven joins the dark savages terrorizing their town. When Dax finally collides with the monster that carries his best friend’s face, he must choose between saving his town and saving his lost friend.

Very nice stakes.

So much improvement on this one! It's looking really good, I just did a little rearranging to get rid of that backstory and keep it flowing. I also felt that the transition to the last paragraph was a little out of the blue.

Best of luck with revisions, and if you have a moment, please check out my query. :)


Check out my query!

 


#85 ddcash80

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Posted 29 April 2017 - 09:21 AM

REVISED:

 

Dear Agent,

 

When two friends enter the forest and run into a psychic-powered creature called a Hollow, only one makes it out of the darkness. Now, fifteen-year-old Dax Carter must overcome his fear and face the monsters to find his friend Seven.

 

All of mankind received the gift of psychic power years ago, but dark science forced some to give up their sanity for greater power -- humans turned Hollow.

 

One night, Dax returns home from searching the woods to find a Hollow at his doorstep. Dax is beaten to the ground as his mother takes the worst of the attack, ending up in the hospital. Broken-hearted, Dax tells authorities, “It was a Hollow,” keeping the truth to himself -- that the culprit was his friend Seven, paled with Hollow eyes.

 

Determined to protect his loved ones, Dax joins a special academy to train his power, while Seven joins the dark savages, terrorizing their town. When Dax finally collides with the monster that carries his best friend’s face, he must choose between saving his town and saving his lost friend.



#86 Lauraburns22

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Posted 30 April 2017 - 01:10 PM

When two friends enter the forest (does this forest have a name? why are they entering it if it's filled w these creatures?) and run into a psychic-powered (intrigued by this word but maybe a little distracted.)  creature called a Hollow, only one makes it out of the darkness. Now, fifteen-year-old Dax Carter must overcome his fear and face the monsters (more than just Hollow?) to find his friend, Seven.

 

All of mankind received the gift of psychic power years ago, but dark science forced some to give up their sanity for greater power -- humans turned Hollow.

 

One night, Dax returns home from searching the woods to find a Hollow at his doorstep. Dax is beaten to the ground as his mother takes the worst of the attack, ending up in the hospital. Broken-hearted, Dax tells authorities, “It was a Hollow,”  (it was a Hollow while) keeping the truth to himself -- that the culprit was his friend Seven, paled with Hollow eyes. (Nice twist. Use quotation marks if the sentence is standing alone but not necessary if you're just relaying what the character said.) 

 

Determined to protect his loved ones, Dax joins a special academy to train his psychic power, while Seven joins the dark savages terrorizing their town. When Dax finally collides with the monster that carries his best friend’s face, he must choose between saving his town and saving his lost friend.

 

I'd actually switch your first two paragraphs because the concept of a Hollow is a good enough hook by itself because it's an interesting concept for a monster, but the explanation of a hollow in the first paragraph is convoluted and distracting. 

 

I like the premise of the story and the succinctness of this letter. Best of luck! 

 

Please review my query when you get a chance!

 

http://agentquerycon...s-gay-ya/page-2

 





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