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The Guild of Eliria (High Fantasy)

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#41 Cengel

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 01:48 PM

Hey Erevos! 

 

 

JChristian thank you for the comments.

 

1. This made me laugh, but it's not exactly a mundane boy seeking to become magic boy - more like trying to prove himself as an equal. Now, if he has hidden magic inside, that is something to be discovered later...

2. I did some tweaking here and there. Hope it reads better! I'm not sure I want to include more about Will's past, I think it's fine as it is. However, I followed your advise in this draft.

3. About the king long-thought dead...Some liked it, others not. It is exposition, but I think it's a bit better than simply saying forbidden magic, which is already a bit cliche. Anyway, I rephrased it and removed the king.

4. You have a point about the resolution....but I don't intend on delving too much into the story. Furthermore, the novel is a "stand alone with series potential", but in truth it's more of a "series potential." You can understand what that means.

 

Anyway!

Attempt #10

If possible take a look at post #38 and let me know what works best? Thank you! I will return all critiques of course!

________

 

 

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students. Suggested revision: Fifteen-year-old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students at the Guild of Eliria. For Ed, however, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. After all, a commoner like Will can never be on par with people blessed with magic. 

 

When new students arrive in the Guild, and Ed finally allows Will to join them. Why though? This doesn't follow logically with the last couple sentences. If it's his biggest fear, why is he now letting him train just because new students are arriving? But when a scholar sends a message to Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother. I like that you added the detail of what is actually in the message.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is found murdered the following day, and Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family. I'm not totally sure what follows a trail of treason means. Do you mean that the noble family is  the one who murdered the scholar, and that that act is treasonous? Before those responsible track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom. To me, it's unclear why/how he's turning against the whole kingdom. 

 

 

I think this is improving. You're at 181 words, so I think you could afford to add a few more details and tighten up/clarify a few things in the last paragraph. Overall, though, I think you're moving in the right direction!

 

I also have a new draft. I'd love if you'd take a look!


Please take a look at my query.


#42 Iconian

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 12:14 AM

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students. [Yes . . . but just what is the Guild of Eliria?  I think you should at least give us a brief idea, as well as an idea of what the students' studies or training is about.]  For Ed, however, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. After all, a commoner like Will can never be on par with people blessed with magic.  [But what is Ed's fear?  That Will will be wasting his time, and not make anything of himself, or . . .?]

 

New students arrive in the Guild and Ed finally allows Will to join them. [I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say, but maybe this could be better stated as, "But despite Ed's fears, a new class is now being ushered into the Guild, and Ed finally allows Will to join them."]  But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar [since you mention this scholar twice, you should probably just give us his name in the first place, i.e., "The famed scholar Melopolis asks for a trusted member," etc.]  is found murdered the following day, and Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family. Before those responsible track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom.

 

 

 

 

I think you should run through this whole query again, trying to clarify and clear up any confusion.  Remember, this is the first time the agents you send this to are going to be reading about this universe you've created.  You may know everything about it, but they'll probably be left out in the cold in you try to assume that they do as well.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#43 JChristian

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 12:19 AM

Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom.

 

That is a definite improvement, imo. 

I agree with Iconian's assessment. 
Remember, this is the first time the agents you send this to are going to be reading about this universe you've created.  You may know everything about it, but they'll probably be left out in the cold in you try to assume that they do as well.

This is a trap we all fall into.



#44 jaustail

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 01:26 AM

JMO:

 

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year old(hyphen 'fifteen-year-old') Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students. For Ed, however, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. After all, a commoner like Will can never be on par with people blessed with magic.

 

New students arrive in the Guild and Ed finally allows Will to join them(why does he allow now? are some of the new students commoners. maybe" Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas and lets him hang around with the new students). But when a scholar sends a message to Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges(show this. does Will have flashbacks, does he receive letters? how does Will know his past has emerged? who does Will react?). The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother(if Will doesn't know about the scholar meeting this trusted member, maybe don't mention it).

 

Ed travels north in search of answers(this paragraph is about Ed, while 1st para was about Will. Write entire query from one character's pov. that makes it easier to imagine the story), only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is found murdered the following day, and Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family. Before those responsible track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom.

 

 

JMO. Maybe write the story from Will's pov. We see, hear, feel, fear, sense, hope whatever Will see, hear, fear, sense, hope.



#45 Vio Liddell

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 07:08 AM

Hey, you are definitely improving! I combined some elements from your previous version and, in my opinion, here's what works best:

 

 

Anyway!

Attempt #10

If possible take a look at post #38 and let me know what works best? Thank you! I will return all critiques of course!

________

 

 

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students (I agree that you should give us an idea of what they are studying). For Ed, however, the man who fostered Will, this dream is fearsome nonsense (or something like that). After all, A commoner like Will could never be on par with people blessed with magic.

 

When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in and grants his permission to Will. [Why exactly did he give in? Out of affection? Because Will was feeling so depressed/excited?] But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild and Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of years (intriguing!)The scholar is found murdered the following day, and Ed follows a trail of treason (I also have trouble figuring out what you mean by "trail of treason") to a noble family. Before those responsible can track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past--even if it means turning against the whole kingdom. Good!

 

 

I've updated my own query if you want to take a look! http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-36/



#46 Erevos

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 11:36 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments!

A few comments:

 

@Iconian and Vio. The Guild is like every typical Guild you meet in fantasy books and video games. Usually you meet Guild of Mages, Guild of Assassins, Guild of Merchants and so on.... Mine is used in the broader sense. Shelters and trains those born with magic inside. (I might actually use this) Also, magic in my world doesn't mean only fireballs. It is expressed through sword, bows etc as well....anyway too much info to put into a query I think.

 

@most of you. You asked why Ed allowed him training. Well most people started training at the age of 15. Will just became 15, so it was only natural that he wished to train alongside the rest as well. I will use Jaustail's input "gives in to Will's pleas". Not sure it is needed, but I think it works. Also, Ed fears all that you mentioned. Will being dissapointed, hurt, injured, face scornful behaviours...etc.

 

@most of you again. Trail of treason...not sure why this confused most of you, but I'll reword. Why turn against the kingdom? Well, I took this from a dialogue part. If he proves that highborns acted against the guild, then it could spark a war between them. And it's natural that a noble house will have powerful allies... I'll remove the part about turning against the kingdom.

 

Attempt #11

Thank you! I will critique back!

In blue, some alternatives/additions from previous versions. You can take a look in post #40 if you like.

___________

 

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of (nothing more than) training alongside the other students.

 

But for Ed, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. The Guild, after all, shelters and trains those blessed with magic, not commoners like Will. (OR: A commoner like Will can never hope to be on par with people blessed with magic.)

 

New students arrive and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar (Should I give him a name? I don't want to bloat the query with too many names) asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answersonly to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is murdered the following day, and Ed suspects treason coming from a noble house. Before those responsible can track the sholar's (I feel I'm repeating scholar too much. how about a simple "track the findings"?) findings back to Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the secrets of his past. (even if it means turning against the whole kingdom)

__________

 

I feel I'm close to the end. Who would have thought that a simple query would take so long? Wish it was easier.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#47 Iconian

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 08:51 PM

Thank you everyone for your comments!

A few comments:

 

@Iconian and Vio. The Guild is like every typical Guild you meet in fantasy books and video games. Usually you meet Guild of Mages, Guild of Assassins, Guild of Merchants and so on.... Mine is used in the broader sense. Shelters and trains those born with magic inside. (I might actually use this) Also, magic in my world doesn't mean only fireballs. It is expressed through sword, bows etc as well....anyway too much info to put into a query I think.

 

@most of you. You asked why Ed allowed him training. Well most people started training at the age of 15. Will just became 15, so it was only natural that he wished to train alongside the rest as well. I will use Jaustail's input "gives in to Will's pleas". Not sure it is needed, but I think it works. Also, Ed fears all that you mentioned. Will being dissapointed, hurt, injured, face scornful behaviours...etc.

 

@most of you again. Trail of treason...not sure why this confused most of you, but I'll reword. Why turn against the kingdom? Well, I took this from a dialogue part. If he proves that highborns acted against the guild, then it could spark a war between them. And it's natural that a noble house will have powerful allies... I'll remove the part about turning against the kingdom.

 

Attempt #11

Thank you! I will critique back!

In blue, some alternatives/additions from previous versions. You can take a look in post #40 if you like.

___________

 

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of (nothing more than) training alongside the other students.

 

But for Ed, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. The Guild, after all, shelters and trains those blessed with magic, not commoners like Will. (OR: A commoner like Will can never hope to be on par with people blessed with magic.)

 

In time new students arrive, and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar (Should I give him a name? I don't want to bloat the query with too many names) [you use the term "a scholar" or "the scholar" four times, which just makes it sound clunky.  I'd definitely give his name, and a short description when you first introduce him.]  asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answersonly to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is murdered the following day, and Ed suspects treason coming from a noble house. Before those responsible can track the sholar's (I feel I'm repeating scholar too much. how about a simple "track the findings"?) findings back to Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the secrets of his past. (even if it means turning against the whole kingdom)

__________

 

I feel I'm close to the end. Who would have thought that a simple query would take so long? Wish it was easier.

 

I think it still needs some work, to help fuse the different elements together.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#48 EMarie

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 02:50 PM

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, (this phrase sounds a bit awkward to me--choose a stronger verb that "having") fifteen-year old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students. (Fifteen-year-old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students in the Guild of Elrira.) For Ed, however, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. (But Ed, Will's foster father, tries to keep Will from joining the Guild--or whatever he does to express his fear.) After all, a commoner like Will can never be on par with people blessed with magic. (I think in this paragraph maybe stress somehow that though Will grew up in the Guild, he is not allowed to train with the students--so what exactly is his status there? He was raised by the Guild Members, but he doesn't get to join until a certain age, and at that age his foster father opposes him joining because he's not of the same type of being--are they fairies? some other race?--as the people of the Guild.)

 

New students arrive in the Guild, (insert comma) and Ed finally allows Will to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother. (I would try to combine this section a little--we need to know about the mark since that's the link between Will's mother and forbidden magic. Maybe you can take out the part about "Will's forgotten past emerges"--show that instead of telling it to the reader. "New students arrive in the Guild, and Ed finally allows Will to join them. Then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has discovered clues about the mark found on the dead body of Will's late mother. The scholar is found murdered the following day, and Will and Ed, after discovering a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of years, follow a trail of treason to a noble family.")

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is found murdered the following day, and Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family. Before those responsible track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom. (I think the last sentence is not as clear as it could be--"before those responsible" seems a bit vague--as does "prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past.")

 

My biggest question, after reading, was whether Will or Ed is the main character. Will is introduced first, but then Ed is the one doing a lot of the action. If Will is the main character, I would have him doing the actions in the story along with Ed--for example, Will with the help of Ed must prepare for the future and uncover the secrets of his past. Or if Ed is the main character, I would emphasize that a bit more and focus on Ed right from the start. Finally, I like the name Will, but if Ed is someone other than human, should he have a less human sounding name?

 

Thanks for your comments on my query.



#49 Erevos

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 06:05 AM

Iconian and Emarie thank you, though Marie commented in a previous version!

All my people are humans of course, not evels or fairies. And both Ed and Will are the 2 main POV. I chose Ed because I could write stakes!

 

If possible can someone take another look? I'll return critiques!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#50 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 08:54 AM

Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria (Sounds awkward), fifteen-year old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students (What other students? People he knows? Other people he strives to be with?)However, for Ed, however, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. After all, a commoner like Will can never be on par with people blessed with magic. (I like this sentence.)

 

New students arrive in the Guild and Ed finally allows Will to join them. (Why? What made him change his mind?) But when a scholar sends a message to Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. (That sentence is not complete. Also, what forgotten past? Explain more.) The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him (? And not meet up with Will?), claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers (How did he find out?), only to discover a link between the his wife's body and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is found murdered the following day. and Ed follows a trail of treason (Trail of treason? Huh? I'd thought he'd follow up after the scholar was murdered.) to a noble family (There's more than one?). Before those responsible (Who's responsible?) to track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom. (This whole query felt like it was going to be towards Will since you started with him and it'd be Will's story. However, in this paragraph, it's all Ed. Who's the main character here? Will or Ed? Focus the query on one of them to help clear everything up.)

 

Good start to the query! I like the plot.



#51 Erevos

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 09:19 AM

Thank you LeeAnn.

Again, my post in #46 was skipped so I guess I'll post again.

There are 2 POV. Ed and Will. Will is the heart, but I can't write stakes from Will's part, so Ed will have to do.

 

Attempt #11

In blue, some alternatives/additions from previous versions. You can take a look in post #40 if you like.

___________

 

Growing up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of (nothing more than) training alongside the other students.

 

But for Ed, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. The Guild, after all, shelters and trains those blessed with magic, not commoners like Will. (OR: A commoner like Will can never hope to be on par with people blessed with magic.)

 

New students arrive and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar (Should I give him a name? I don't want to bloat the query with too many names) asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is murdered the following day, and Ed suspects treason coming from a noble house. Before those responsible can track the sholar's (I feel I'm repeating scholar too much. how about a simple "track the findings"?) findings back to Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the secrets of his past. (even if it means turning against the whole kingdom)


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#52 Dave1

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 11:37 AM

I am just jumping into this thread but here is my two cents for what it is worth: just a quick read of this and I am a little confused about the focus of the story.  I get that Will and Ed are two different POVs in the story and I'm guessing have parallel story lines but in the query the two seem too disjointed.  By the third and fourth paragraphs I am wondering why I needed to know about The Guild training magically blessed students.

 

I think you should completely rewrite this and focus only on Will and the fact that he is a non-magical teen trying to enter a magical academy.  Then balance that with a sentence or two about the secrets of his past coming back to haunt him, maybe just mention the scholar appearing then suddenly murdered leaving more questions then answers.

 

Either way I would leave out the details about Ed, the mother and the forbidden magic.  



#53 BCVail

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 03:05 PM

Thank you LeeAnn.

Again, my post in #46 was skipped so I guess I'll post again.

It helps to edit and strikethrough the previous versions of your query.

There are 2 POV. Ed and Will. Will is the heart, but I can't write stakes from Will's part, so Ed will have to do.

 

Attempt #11

In blue, some alternatives/additions from previous versions. You can take a look in post #40 if you like.

___________

 

Growing up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of (nothing more than) training alongside the other students. (Saying other students reads as if Will is already a student, this is dream is complete. Also, students of what: magic? assignation? thievery? scholars? Just a tweak and I think you have a fine opening)

 

But for Ed, the man who fostered Will (Will's foster parent or Will's guardian), this dream is his biggest fear (specify what dream from above... not just go to school but to become whatever they are trading to become). The Guild, after all, shelters and trains those blessed with magic, not commoners like Will. (OR: A commoner like Will can never hope to be on par with people blessed with magic.) (Ahh, magic. It works here, but I'd still mention it earlier... and come to think of it, why is Ed scared of Will learning magic? Also, both versions you have here seem fine.)

 

New students arrive and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar (Should I give him a name? I don't want to bloat the query with too many names) asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark upon the body of Will's late mother. (I don't think the name is necessary. Though I do think certain phrases are pretty vague, like "his forgotten past emerges" and "clues about the mark upon Will''s moms"... I'm not saying give away spoilers but give me a clear idea of the plot up to this point.)

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of years (like banned from the land or simply forgotten?)The scholar is murdered the following day, and Ed suspects treason coming from a noble house. Before those responsible can track the sholar's (I feel I'm repeating scholar too much. how about a simple "track the findings"? I think that would work) findings back to Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the secrets of his past. (even if it means turning against the whole kingdom) (It would be good to clearly state what will happen is the do track the findings back to Will, just to solidify your stakes.)

 

I think your query has a great skeleton to work with here. The plot and flow are where you want it, I'd just fill in a few details here and there to clarify a few points while keeping it concise.

 

 

If you have a moment, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query. You can find the link here. Thank you.



#54 Iconian

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 04:21 PM



Thank you LeeAnn.

Again, my post in #46 was skipped so I guess I'll post again.

There are 2 POV. Ed and Will. Will is the heart, but I can't write stakes from Will's part, so Ed will have to do.

 

Attempt #11

In blue, some alternatives/additions from previous versions. You can take a look in post #40 if you like.

___________

 

Growing up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of (nothing more than) training alongside the other students.

 

But for Ed, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. The Guild, after all, shelters and trains those blessed with magic, not commoners like Will. (OR: A commoner like Will can never hope to be on par with people blessed with magic.)  [I like it as is, rather than the "A commoner like Will" version.  For one, I think it's important to state the Guild's role clearly--which is lost in the second version of the sentence.]

 

New students arrive and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar (Should I give him a name? I don't want to bloat the query with too many names) asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark upon the body of Will's late mother.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is murdered the following day, and Ed suspects treason coming from a noble house. Before those responsible can track the sholar's (I feel I'm repeating scholar too much. how about a simple "track the findings"?) findings back to Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the secrets of his past. (even if it means turning against the whole kingdom)

 

I still think you need to give the scholar's name. You mention him four times.  Do you have a reason to keep his identity secret?  If so, perhaps you can introduce him as "a mysterious scholar," and later in the query you can use other adjectives to describe him as well.  I wouldn't be worried about giving out too many proper names in the query.  All you have right now are Ed, Will, and the Guild.  But once you hit six or so I think it would start to be an issue, keeping track of so many people.

 

Other than that, I think the query sounds interesting--perhaps a bit short, but interesting.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#55 eric balson

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 05:29 PM

Thank you LeeAnn.

Again, my post in #46 was skipped so I guess I'll post again.

There are 2 POV. Ed and Will. Will is the heart, but I can't write stakes from Will's part, so Ed will have to do.

 

Attempt #11

In blue, some alternatives/additions from previous versions. You can take a look in post #40 if you like.

___________

 

Growing up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will dreams of (nothing more than) training alongside the other students. Is Will already a student?

 

But for Ed, the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. The Guild, after all, shelters and trains those blessed with magic, not commoners like Will. This doesn't clearly tell me why Ed is afraid of Will joining the Guild. Is Ed afraid Will's esteem will be shattered due to failure to compete with the others? (OR: A commoner like Will can never hope to be on par with people blessed with magic.)

 

New students arrive and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But when a scholar sends a message to the Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar (Should I give him a name? I don't want to bloat the query with too many names) asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark upon the body of Will's late mother. This is slightly vague.

 

Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of yearsThe scholar is murdered the following day, and Ed suspects treason coming from a noble house. Before those responsible can track the scholar's (I feel I'm repeating scholar too much. how about a simple "track the findings"?) findings back to Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the secrets of his past. (even if it means turning against the whole kingdom)

 

I've cancelled most of the alternatives in blue, save for the last one, because I feel your query can do without them, or that the alternatives suggested aren't as helpful. The last sentence in blue is important since it reveals the stakes of your story, so by all means keep it there.

Also, I'm not sure I'm getting a good vibe as regards to Will's character--he seems the most important piece of your story, and yet it seems like Ed's the one driving it. But maybe that's how your story is structured for certain reasons, so it might not be such a bad thing.

 

Find my query here: http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-4

Hope i've been of some help. Please review my query here(post #62): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-4







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