JChristian thank you for the comments.
1. This made me laugh, but it's not exactly a mundane boy seeking to become magic boy - more like trying to prove himself as an equal. Now, if he has hidden magic inside, that is something to be discovered later...
2. I did some tweaking here and there. Hope it reads better! I'm not sure I want to include more about Will's past, I think it's fine as it is. However, I followed your advise in this draft.
3. About the king long-thought dead...Some liked it, others not. It is exposition, but I think it's a bit better than simply saying forbidden magic, which is already a bit cliche. Anyway, I rephrased it and removed the king.
4. You have a point about the resolution....but I don't intend on delving too much into the story. Furthermore, the novel is a "stand alone with series potential", but in truth it's more of a "series potential." You can understand what that means.
If possible take a look at post #38 and let me know what works best? Thank you! I will return all critiques of course!
Having grown up inside the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students. Suggested revision: Fifteen-year-old Will dreams of nothing more than training alongside the other students at the Guild of Eliria. For Ed,
however,the man who fostered Will, this dream is his biggest fear. After all, a commoner like Will can never be on par with people blessed with magic.
When new students arrive in the Guild,
andEd finally allows Will to join them. Why though? This doesn't follow logically with the last couple sentences. If it's his biggest fear, why is he now letting him train just because new students are arriving? But when a scholar sends a message to Guild, Will's forgotten past emerges. The scholar asks for a trusted member to meet him, claiming he has found clues about the mark found upon the body of Will's late mother. I like that you added the detail of what is actually in the message.
Ed travels north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic not performed in hundreds of years. The scholar is
foundmurdered the following day, and Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family. I'm not totally sure what follows a trail of treason means. Do you mean that the noble family is the one who murdered the scholar, and that that act is treasonous? Before those responsible track the scholar's findings back to Will, Ed has to prepare him for the future and uncover the secrets of his past, even if it means turning against the whole kingdom. To me, it's unclear why/how he's turning against the whole kingdom.
I think this is improving. You're at 181 words, so I think you could afford to add a few more details and tighten up/clarify a few things in the last paragraph. Overall, though, I think you're moving in the right direction!
I also have a new draft. I'd love if you'd take a look!