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The Guild of Eliria (High Fantasy)

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#61 Erevos

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:56 AM

Thank you AliRay for your comments!

 

New version! #14

______

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. New students soon arrive, and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But these findings attract unwanted attention. Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know how the Guild is involved. After a narrow escape, Ed suspects a powerful noble house of treason, an act that might destroy an already fragile peace. (Not sure about the fragile peace part) Before Will suffers the same fate as his mother, Ed must not only help him achieve his dream, but also uncover the secrets of his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#62 sereneew

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 04:03 PM

Thank YOU for your feedback(: 

Thank you AliRay for your comments!

 

New version! #14

______

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's( I wonder if you could just say Will's life and not 'the boy' Or you can say" For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed, but recently welcomed Will. " something along those lines.  life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body. ( Good! I like how you mentioned the mark this time.) 

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When Nnew students soon arrive, and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the strange mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But these findings attract unwanted attention. Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know how the Guild is involved. After a narrow escape, Ed suspects a powerful noble house of treason, an act that might destroy an already fragile peace​( What do you mean by fragile peace part?). (Not sure about the fragile peace part) Before Will suffers the same fate as his mother, Ed must not only help him achieve his dream, but also uncover the secrets of his past ( This kind of jumped... it doesn't flow. Im not sure what a 'fragile peace' has anything to do with Will suffering. In fact I'm not sure how Will is going to die? Did something happen, how does Ed know Will's going to get killed ? ) - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.

 

 

 

You have a good query! It's almost done, just need to work on the ending. I'm not sure how 'Will suffering' comes into play. Maybe drop a line about how that happens. Hope this helps. Good Luck (: 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#63 bkarperien

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 11:10 AM

Thank you AliRay for your comments!

 

New version! #14

______

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. New students soon arrive, and Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But these findings attract unwanted attention. Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know how the Guild is involved. After a narrow escape, Ed suspects a powerful noble house of treason, an act that might destroy an already fragile peace. (Not sure about the fragile peace part) Before Will suffers the same fate as his mother (where did that come from?), Ed must not only help him achieve his dream (why? what does training along gifted students have to do with anything?), but also uncover the secrets of his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect (aren't they trying to preserve the peace and save the kingdom from treasonous brigands? Also, the transition between this sentence and the previous is shaky. ).

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.

One thing I worry about with this is that because this is a YA, it might scare agents off if the query's from the perspective of an adult. I think you could easily rewrite this from Will's perspective. I think it would also make it stronger, because this is clearly Will's story, not Ed's. Ed is his mentor, helping him on his journey. But that's just my opinion, of course, and this is fairly solid already. Just that last sentence didn't quite mesh for me.

I really commend your dedication to this query! I hope it goes well for you and you start getting requests soon!

If you get the chance, check out my query :)


Check out my query!


#64 Erevos

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 03:40 PM

Thank you both for the comments!!

bkarperien I know about writing it from Will's POV, but it's impossible without including Ed or delving too deep into the story!

Another try then!

 

#15

 

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But these findings attract unwanted attention. Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know how the Guild is involved. After a narrow escape, Ed suspects a noble family to be behind the murders. Their goal is Will or the secrets his mother took with her. With only a matter of time before they discover Will OR With danger closing in on Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#65 sereneew

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 02:44 AM

Thank you both for the comments!!

bkarperien I know about writing it from Will's POV, but it's impossible without including Ed or delving too deep into the story!

Another try then!

 

#15

 

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to discover a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But these findings( I wonder if you can use another word.. maybe clues?secrets? so the flow of the sentences is better)  attract unwanted attention( I recommend adding the assassin part here, so we know whose attention ) . Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know how the Guild is involved( involved in what? this is a little vague ) . After a narrow escape, Ed suspects a noble family to be behind the murders( you're introducing too many things in this paragraph,. What murder? ). Their goal is Will or the secrets his mother took with her( This is vague.) . With only a matter of time before they discover Will OR With danger closing in on Will, Ed must not only prepare him for the future but also uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect. ( The stakes are good if you clarify the sentence before. Im not sure what does Will have that everyone is after him.) 

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.

 

 

 

Overall I like all your paragraphs, expect for the last one. Some sentences are a little vague and don't add up. It sometimes confuses me. You can easily fix it ! Other than that, I think you're almost done here (: good luck! Will look out for your latest revision! 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#66 Erevos

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 01:10 PM

Thank you sereneew for your patience!!

Hmm..to explain the lasta paragraph...basically it's about 1/3 of the book in... I don't want to delve more into the story or spoil everything.

 

So some explanation:

Failing to acquire info from the scholar, the two assassins turn on Ed, asking what has he learned and why is the Guild involved, meaning that they have no idea about Will being alive. At least not yet. After surviving the battle, Ed returns back, where after some blablabla and some investigation from the Guild Master (this happens later, but oh well) they realize that a noble family is behind everything or maybe even the King himself. Their goal? No one can tell yet...It can be the boy or whatever secrets Will's mother took with her. But an attack against Ed is an attack against the Guild. That is why I wrote the "treason" part in my previous versions. So Ed's choice is... one basically. Protect his foster son even if it means turning against the whole kingdom.

 

 

#16

 

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out that the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know why the Guild is involved. After a narrow escape, Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family. With danger closing in on Will, Ed must uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#67 sereneew

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 05:48 PM

Thank you sereneew for your patience!!

Hmm..to explain the lasta paragraph...basically it's about 1/3 of the book in... I don't want to delve more into the story or spoil everything.

 

So some explanation:

Failing to acquire info from the scholar, the two assassins turn on Ed, asking what has he learned and why is the Guild involved, meaning that they have no idea about Will being alive. At least not yet. After surviving the battle, Ed returns back, where after some blablabla and some investigation from the Guild Master (this happens later, but oh well) they realize that a noble family is behind everything or maybe even the King himself. Their goal? No one can tell yet...It can be the boy or whatever secrets Will's mother took with her. But an attack against Ed is an attack against the Guild. That is why I wrote the "treason" part in my previous versions. So Ed's choice is... one basically. Protect his foster son even if it means turning against the whole kingdom.

 

 

#16

 

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out that the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who demand to know why the Guild is involved. After a narrow escape, Ed follows a trail of treason to a noble family.( I don't get what a Nobel family has to do anything with Ed's escape. I would try to introduce why Will is in danger. I know you explained in the above, but you need to elaborate on it a little more in your query. It's confusing. You can easily just say that the assassins want Will ( that's what I'm guessing they'd want) so it flows better. So  that way we know why Will is in danger.  ) With danger closing in on Will, Ed must uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

 

Told from the perspectives of Will and Ed, the TITLE is a YA high fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 99,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.

 

 

 

I'd tighten the last paragraph a little more. Give us hits as to why Will's life is in danger. You don't have to tell us everything but you can try to condense it. Hope this helps. Good luck! Your query is getting there! 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#68 Erevos

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 02:12 PM

Sereneew thank you again! 

 

The part with the noble family is there mainly cause it's in the plot, and to give meaning to the last sentence (turn against the whole kingdom)

 

Hm...how about something like:

________________

 

.........But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to. Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family and realizes that peril is closing in on Will as well. To protect him from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

________________

 

I really wish the conflict was not so complicated...and of course I could write the whole thing from Will's POV.

I guess this is the best I can do without spoiling everything...it may scare agents and the whole novel might end up in the garbage can, but oh well..at least I tried!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#69 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 08:17 PM

I only started the query-writing process, so I feel as if I'm not knowledgeable enough to go through each sentence and speak my mind (because I have no clue what I'm doing yet.)  

On your last draft, I really liked the first two paragraphs.  They drew me in, and if I were in a bookstore, I would consider buying the book.  But the last paragraph needs a bit of work and needs to be more precise.  If you're struggling to nail the final bit because the conflict is complicated, perhaps laying everything out in bullet form, stripping it down to the bare bones, and then building it back up would help? I did this a lot when I was first drafting my query and synopsis and it really showed me exactly what needed to be said and what didn't.

I'm sorry if this is no help to you, I'm new to this here business. 



#70 Mdane

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 12:17 AM

Rescued from certain death at birth and brought to the Guild of Eliria, now fifteen-year-old Will is a simple boy with a great dream - to join an adventuring group of men blessed with magic.
(This is a long sentence. I don't believe the first part is necessary. Perhaps "Orphaned from birth and raised in the Guild of Eliria, fifteen-year-old Will is a simple boy with a great dream: to join an adventuring group of men blessed with magic."  Also your use of hyphen is incorrect. I believe you meant to use an em dash. hyphen (-), em dash (). both serve different purposes. Also, when I read someone referred to as simple, I immediately think there is something wrong with them mentally.  This might just be me though)
 
Will has no idea of the mysterious events surrounding his mother’s death. The truth was kept a secret for his protection. (these are two different thoughts with no tie in) With the arrival of the new students, Will is finally allowed to join a group and train alongside them for a year. Driven by his wish to prove himself as an equal, he works diligently at honing his sword-skills while overcoming his self-doubts.
(I would cut the first two sentences as there doesn't seem to be any reason for them to be there, and I would join the remaining sentences to the first paragraph. But maybe tweak to read better "The arrival of new students at the Guild allows Will the opportunity to prove himself as an equal while overcoming self-doubt.")
 
A bird arrives at the guild, bringing with it Will’s past reemerges. A scholar claims to have found clues about of the boy’s mother, clues that relate Will to forbidden magic and a king long-thought dead. His findings, however, beget more questions and when the scholar is found assassinated, one thing becomes evident: someone is still after the boy or the secrets behind his past.
 

Racked by his poor performance during training, Will finally learns the truth (what is the truth?) and begins to question the life he wished for. With his remaining days in the guild flying by, Will realizes that choosing to uncover the veil of his past may deprive him from the most important thing: the bonds he managed to create. (bonds he created where?)

 

I'm a big fan of anything which has an orphan and a special school (probably hungup from my HP days). My first novel included such. The problem with your query is it has no forward momentum. Will doesn't do anything. He learns things, but doesn't actually do anything apart from school. What is the main conflict? Does he learn something and embark on a mission? What does he want most? What is stopping him from getting it? What happens if he fails to get it? Who is the antagonist and what do they want?

 

I have been where you are now, and I know it seems daunting, but stick with it and you will get it. Like I said, I'm a big sucker for an orphan story :)


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#71 Mdane

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 12:19 AM

wait, did I just do an earlier draft? Urgh...


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#72 Erevos

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 07:19 AM

Thank you both for your comments!!

And yes Mdane what you did is a draft from waaaaaaay back :D It's ok though!

 

I think my main issue is the fact that the character Ed, has no idea who or why want the boy (at least not yet).. I've seen some queries where the author basically reveals stuff like: " But what Maria doesn't know is that Jon has other plans for her and...blabla" This isn't from the characters POV, but from the all-knowing author! I'm not sure I want to do this though...

 

Anyway for now my query (in case someone wants to make a quick comment) is:

_______________________________________________________________

 

#17

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out that the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to. Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family and realizes that peril is closing in on Will. To protect him from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#73 MICRONESIA

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 12:31 PM

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. This hook doesn't really pop because it's so crammed with information. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body. Tramp stamp? Hickey? Cattle branding?

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. Why? What changed? But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out that the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to. Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family and realizes that peril is closing in on Will. To protect him from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect. A bit vague. You want your query to stand out. While this plot makes sense, it seems like something that has been done many times. Being more specific as to the stakes would help SEPARATE your plot from similar ones of its ilk.

 

 

 

 

Overall, this is a strong query. I don't have a strong sense of this world we're in, nor the specifics of the stakes (as mentioned above). However, I think you're close.

 

Please have a look at my query, if you don't mind (link below)



#74 Mdane

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Posted 20 January 2018 - 12:50 AM

Alright Erevos, let's give this another crack hey? Cheers for your second go at my query :)

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body.

 

Despite being a commonera child born without a magic fire burning inside—(I like the use of Em dashes here as I think it needs a longer pause than a comma offers)Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas and allows him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark. I'm not a big fan of the "but then" part. It lacks a bit of oomph. Perhaps something like "the delivery of a message claiming a scholar has found clues of Will's mother's death throws Will's studies into disarray" That is just a rough thought, but I believe you can write it better.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out discover that (this is one I do excessively and have to go back and cull almost all of them. The word "that" quite often is not needed in a sentence)the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. Good His discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to. Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family and realizes that peril is closing in on Will. To protect him from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the truth behind his past -(Incorrect use of a hyphen. You mean to use an em dash, which has no space before or after it) even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

Good work Erevos, this is a far cry better than the previous one I looked at. I am a little confused as to who the protagonist is in the novel though. Ed or Will? From your previous query it was all about Will, but in this one it is about Ed? One thing to think about as well, how far through the story does Ed begin to prepare will for the future? If it is within the first half of the book, then I think you might have missed your main conflict in the query as obviously more action happens after the training?

 

Hope this helps :) Oh, and please do a quick google search on em dashes (I noticed on your other query you were using hyphens too)


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#75 Wayfarer

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 09:52 PM

For fifteen years The Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been Will's home ever since the day Ed saved his life and decided to foster him fifteen years ago. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's her body.

 

Despite being a commoner, a child born without a magic fire burning inside, Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. (Students of what? Magic? The Guild? Mention that so that it flows when you mention it below) When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out that the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to. Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family and realizes that peril is closing in on Will. To protect him from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the truth behind his past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect. (Why would it mean turning against the Kingdom? This stake comes out of nowhere, so either refer to it and Ed's duty to protect the Kingdom earlier on, or change it to fit with what you've already built up, namely along the lines of "even if it means putting him [Will] in danger to do so."



#76 PureZhar3

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 09:50 PM

For fifteen years, the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Ed and Will, since the day Ed saved the boy's life and decided to foster him. And... I'm lost. There's a lot of information in this, and so it doesn't stand out The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon the woman's body. Ooh what kind of strange mark? Intrigued!

 

Despite being a commoner - a child born without a magic fire burning inside - Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students. When new students a few things: don't use students twice right next to each other. and it seems that Ed runs the Guild... this was previously unclear (I also didn't realize that the guild was a school). This could probably be remedied, at least partially, by adding something like "the other gifted students at the Guild". arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas, allowing him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message to the Guild, claiming he has found clues about the mark. This sentence is very vague and doesn't capitalize my interest concerning the mark

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out that the mark is linked with forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. Ooh. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to. Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family and realizes that peril What kind of peril? The ambushing assassins? Treasonous families who want to kidnap him? Specifics = good is closing in on Will. I'm (minorly) wondering what happened about the assassin ambush. Did he escape alive? It seems so To protect him from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future how? by training? and uncover the truth behind his Will's? Ed's? past - even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect. Did he swear that? Because he's the leader of the Guild?

 

Alright, you're doing great so far. My best advice: cut down to everything but crucial information (the noble family does not seem such), and then connect it all so that it's clear why both Will training with the other students and ambushing assassins are majorly important and linked. I pretty much gave you the traipsing path of my brain through your query, so all the questions I asked don't necessarily need to be answered... but I think my brain was struggling to draw connections and thus tried to fill in the holes with different scenarios, giving birth to my questions.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#77 Erevos

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 11:42 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments!!

So the problem is my 3rd paragraph... I have 2 different ideas on what might work better...so please let me know your honest opinion.

 

The MC in my book follows a different path from the usual "good guy saves the world". The story is actually about how a gentle boy turned something like an anti-hero (There are more, but I won't say)...of course I couldn't find a way to convey this into my query so far. Perhaps the 2nd version somehow hints at that.

 

Which reminds me: Can you write something like that? Like: TITLE is a YA fantasy story featuring an anti-hero main character and it is etc....

Happy to help you back of course!!

_________________________________

EFFORT #18:

 

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Will, since the day Ed saved his life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon her body.

 

Despite being a commoner — a child born without a magic fire burning inside — Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students at the Guild. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas and allows him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message, claiming he has clues about the mark.

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to.

 

Old version:

 

After a narrow escape, Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family. To protect Will from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the reason why a common boy is so important — even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

New Version 1:

 

After a narrow escape, Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family. To protect Will from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must help finish his training and uncover the reason why a common boy is so important — that is if Will is only that and not something entirely else.

 

New Version 2:

 

After a narrow escape, Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family, where he realizes that to protect Will from suffering the same fate as his mother he must uncover the reason why a common boy is so important.

But at the same time, Will slowly discovers there is nothing common about him and whatever slumbers inside anticipates the incentive to awake.

 

 

Told from Will and Ed's perspectives, TITLE is a YA fantasy novel with series potential. It is complete at 99,000 words, and it will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#78 PureZhar3

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 09:32 PM

Thank you everyone for your comments!!

So the problem is my 3rd paragraph... I have 2 different ideas on what might work better...so please let me know your honest opinion.

 

The MC in my book follows a different path from the usual "good guy saves the world". The story is actually about how a gentle boy turned something like an anti-hero (There are more, but I won't say)...of course I couldn't find a way to convey this into my query so far. Perhaps the 2nd version somehow hints at that.

 

Which reminds me: Can you write something like that? Like: TITLE is a YA fantasy story featuring an anti-hero main character and it is etc....

Happy to help you back of course!!

_________________________________

EFFORT #18:

 

 

For fifteen years the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria has been the home of Will, since the day Ed saved his life and decided to foster him. The man who murdered Will's mother vanished into the night, leaving behind nothing but a strange mark upon her body.

 

Despite being a commoner — a child born without a magic fire burning inside — Will dreams of training alongside the other gifted students at the Guild. When new students arrive, Ed finally gives in to Will's pleas and allows him to join them. But then a scholar sends a message, claiming he has clues about the mark. Minor, but maybe remind us of what mark... "the mark from the mother's body". Or don't - it's pretty minor

 

Ed rides north in search of answers, only to find out a link between the mark and forbidden magic no one has dared perform in hundreds of years. But his discovery does not go unnoticed. Ed is ambushed by assassins who seek the person the mark is connected to.

 

Old version:

 

After a narrow escape, Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family. To protect Will from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must prepare him for the future and uncover the reason why a common boy is so important — even if it means turning against the kingdom he swore to protect.

 

New Version 1:

 

After a narrow escape, Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family. To protect Will from suffering the same fate as his mother, Ed must help finish his training and uncover the reason why a common boy is so important — that is if Will is only that and not something entirely else.

 

New Version 2:

 

After a narrow escape, Ed finds himself following a trail of treason to a noble family, where he realizes that to protect Will from suffering the same fate as his mother he must uncover the reason why a common boy is so important.

But at the same time, Will slowly discovers there is nothing common about himself and whatever slumbers inside anticipates the incentive to awake maybe anticipates awakening?.

 

 

Told from Will and Ed's perspectives, TITLE is a YA fantasy novel with series potential. It is complete at 99,000 words, and it will appeal to fans of Theft of Swords and Six of Crows.

I definitely prefer New Version Two. It links everything better and also does hint some that what is slumbering inside may not be entirely good.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/






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