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THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH (MG fantasy)

Middle Grade

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#1 phil3

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Posted 27 March 2017 - 04:58 PM

SEE POST #11

 

Agent name,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

He who has the masks has the power.

 

When 12-year-old Wally Bennix gets arrested for starting an illegal garden to help the oppressed Shadow People, he’s given two options: go to prison or become an assassin. Never one for cramped spaces, Wally heads to the Assassin Academy. There he’s supposed to train for a mission to take out Avarcubus, the power hungry leader of their rival conglomerate.

 

While sneaking around the Academy, Wally finds the mask owned by the Kingfish, his conglomerate’s leader. The mask grants Wally superhuman strength and speed.

 

There are three other masks owned by the three leaders of the other conglomerates that rule the world. Each mask grants unique godlike powers. As long as no one puts on their mask, the world is at peace. But now that Avarcubus is wearing his mask, he sends assassins to murder Wally’s leader, the Kingfish. Wally must travel to the other conglomerates to steal their masks before Avarcubus steals them first. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#2 bkarperien

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 12:18 AM

Agent name,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

He who has the masks has the power. I don't love your hook...it's rather vague and doesn't tell me much about your character or story. But that's just my opinion.

 

When 12-year-old Wally Bennix gets arrested for starting an illegal garden to help the oppressed Shadow People, wait, what? That leaves me reeling.

Maybe introduce it a little slower. Set up who he is, what his problem is before he gets arrested. And if you aren't going to mention the Shadow People again, don't bring them into this. It's just confusing. he’s given two options: go to prison, or become an assassin. Never one for cramped spaces, Wally heads to the Assassin Academy.

 

While training for a mission to take out Avarcubus, the power hungry leader of their rival conglomerate (conglomerate of what? Corporations? what kind? What does that have to do with an academy? How are they rivals?), Wally finds the mask (explain this succinctly. When you really pare down the story, it's not really that important) owned by the Kingfish, his conglomerate’s leader. The mask grants Wally superhuman strength and speed.

 

There are three other masks owned by the three leaders of the other conglomerates that rule the world. Each mask grants unique godlike powers. As long as no one puts on their mask, the world is at peace. But now that Avarcubus is wearing his mask, he sends assassins to murder Wally’s leader, the Kingfish. Wally must travel to the other conglomerates to steal their masks before Avarcubus steals them first. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

INFO DUMP!

^ Too much backstory. All we really need to know are your character, his problem, and what happens if he fails.

I know pretty much nothing about your character. Except that he did something illegal(though I can't say why gardening is illegal, unless he's growing weed, which is kind of the impression I get from that but I hope it's not what you mean 'cause this is MG) and became an assassin at age twelve.

I don't really know what his problem is. Something about his people? But you never really say what's happened to them.

I know what happens if he fails (his people don't get their freedom?) but I don't really care because I don't know enough about the problem.

Anyway, I hope that helps a bit. You've got a good start, and it sounds like a fantastic read, you just need a little more direction in your query. I'd definitely focus a lot more on your protagonist.

Best of luck with revisions!

:)

(oh and please check out my query if ya don't mind :) )


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#3 phil3

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Posted 30 March 2017 - 02:49 PM

Agent,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

12-year-old Wally Bennix lives in Relacorp, the most powerful of the four conglomerates that rule the world. Life in Relacorp can be a drag. He especially hates their mandatory Sunday ritual—gathering in a stadium to watch holograms of the Relacorp military battle the three other conglomerates.

 

When Wally runs away and gets arrested, he’s given two options—go to prison or become an assassin. Never one for cramped spaces, he heads to the Assassin Academy. There he trains for a mission to take out Avarcubus, the evil leader of their rival conglomerate.

 

While sneaking around the Academy, Wally steals the mask owned by the Kingfish, his conglomerate’s leader. The mask grants Wally superhuman strength and speed. He soon learns the other three conglomerates possess similar masks, each granting unique godlike powers. As long as no one puts on their mask, the world is at peace. But now Avarcubus openly wears his mask and sends assassins to murder Wally’s leader, the Kingfish.

 

If Wally thought life in Relacorp was bad, life under Avarcubus would be a million times worse. Wally must travel to the other conglomerates to steal their masks before Avarcubus steals them first. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#4 janeald

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 05:37 PM

Agent,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

12-year-old I believe 12 should be spelled out. Wally Bennix lives in Relacorp, the most powerful of the four conglomerates the first thing that came to mind was, since you are targeting middle grade, they may not know what conglomerate means. Is there a different word that you can use that is similar to the vocab they use that rule the world. Life in Relacorp can be a drag. He especially hates their mandatory Sunday ritual—gathering in a stadium to watch holograms of the Relacorp military battle the three other conglomerates.

 

When Wally runs away and gets arrested, he’s given two options—go to prison or become an assassin. Never one for cramped spaces, he heads to the Assassin Academy. There he trains for a mission to take out Avarcubus, the evil leader of their his rival conglomerate or maybe Relacorp's rival conglomerate.

 

While sneaking around the Academy, Wally steals the mask owned by the Kingfish, his conglomerate’s leader. The mask grants Wally superhuman strength and speed. He soon learns the other three conglomerates possess similar masks, each granting unique godlike powers. As long as no one puts on their mask, the world is at peace. But now Avarcubus openly wears his mask and sends assassins to murder Wally’s leader, the Kingfish.

 

If Wally thought life in Relacorp was bad, life under Avarcubus would be a million times worse. Wally must travel to the other conglomerates to steal their masks before Avarcubus steals them first. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

I'd wait for other people's suggestions, but I think your query could be more powerful if you put the title, word count and genre line at the end of the query.

Thank you for your consideration.

Wow! I love your story! I think you give a great balance of detail. I am concerned about the conglomerate word, but you can use it as an opportunity to educate/expand the readers' vocab. I hope my suggestions help!



#5 Bananas

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 09:21 PM

I feel like this query could stand to get a dose of voice.  Right now everything seems rather vanilla.  I want to get a better idea of what Wally is like, because right now all I can tell you is he's bored.  This makes me bored.

Agent,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

12-year-old Wally Bennix lives in Relacorp, the most powerful of the four conglomerates that rule the world. Life in Relacorp can be a drag. He especially hates their mandatory Sunday ritual—gathering in a stadium to watch holograms of the Relacorp military battle the three other conglomerates.

 

When Wally runs away and gets arrested, why did he run away?  Because he was made to watch a weekly news program?  It's hard to root for someone that trivial.  he’s given two options—go to prison or become an assassin. Never one for cramped spaces, he heads to the Assassin Academy. There he trains for a mission to take out Avarcubus, the evil leader of their rival conglomerate.  "evil leader" makes me think of cheesy Dr. Evil.  There's a sharper way of getting your point across.

 

While sneaking around the Academy, Wally steals the mask owned by the Kingfish, his conglomerate’s leader. Just casually steals the conglomerate's most important weapon.  Right...  The mask grants Wally superhuman strength and speed. He soon learns how?  the other three conglomerates possess similar masks, each granting unique godlike powers. As long as no one puts on their mask, the world is at peace. Didn't you just say that Wally wore it?  But now Avarcubus openly wears his mask and sends assassins to murder Wally’s leader, you've already said this.  I haven't forgotten.  the Kingfish.

 

If Wally thought life in Relacorp was bad, life under Avarcubus would be a million times worse. Why?  Because it's harder to say/spell?  Be specific.  Wally must travel to the other conglomerates to steal their masks before Avarcubus steals them first. Why must he do this?  Wouldn't a better course of action be "stop the assassins from killing my leader"?The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.  Why is he the one to undertake this mission?  Why not someone older/better qualified?  

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#6 phil3

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Posted 02 April 2017 - 02:11 PM

Thank you for all the feedback so far. I’ve decided to simplify things because I realized if I tried to explain everything, the query would be ten pages.

 

Agent name,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

Superhuman strength. Unbreakable courage. Infinite wisdom. Supreme healing.

 

Four masks grant these godlike powers. Four conglomerates rule the world. The leader of each conglomerate possesses a mask, which should only be used when absolutely necessary. But now Avarcubus has put on his mask and won’t take it off until the whole world bows to him.

 

Across the ocean, twelve-year-old Wally Bennix lives a quiet life in Relacorp. Everything changes when he stumbles upon the mask of the Kingfish, Relacorp’s dying leader. Using the power the mask grants him, Wally embarks on a journey to steal the other masks before Avarcubus steals them first. Whoever has the masks has the power. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#7 SirFox

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 07:25 PM

Thank you for all the feedback so far. I’ve decided to simplify things because I realized if I tried to explain everything, the query would be ten pages.

 

Agent name,

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

Superhuman strength. Unbreakable courage. Infinite wisdom. Supreme healing.

 

Four masks grant these godlike powers. Four conglomerates rule the world. The leader of each conglomerate possesses a mask, which should only be used when absolutely necessary. But now Avarcubus has put on his mask and won’t take it off until the whole world bows to him.

 

Across the ocean, twelve-year-old Wally Bennix lives a quiet life in  Should mention here that Wally is a thief, maybe describe him or his life a bit more. Relacorp. Everything changes when he stumbles upon the mask of the Kingfish, Relacorp’s dying leader. Using the power the mask grants him, Wally embarks on a journey to steal the other masks before Avarcubus steals them first. This sentence is awkward and it could be a good idea to mention Avarcubus wants to steal the other masks in his paragraph. Whoever has the masks has the power. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

Thank you for your consideration.

Hope this is useful to you!



#8 Anand Singh

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 09:21 PM

I feel like you should focus more on your protagonist . Right now, everything seems to be happening to him. What are the choices that he has to make? What will be the consequences of those choices?

 

 

Hope this helped



#9 phil3

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 01:52 PM

Thanks for the feedback. What do you think of my latest version?

 

Superhuman strength. Unbreakable courage. Infinite wisdom. Supreme healing.

 

Four masks grant these godlike powers. Four conglomerates rule the world. The leader of each conglomerate possesses a mask, which should only be used when absolutely necessary. But now Avarcubus has put on his mask and won’t take it off until the whole world bows to him.

 

Wally Bennix grew up parentless on the plains of Marshland, scavenging garbage to stay alive. At age ten, the authorities captured him and sent him to live with a family in Relacorp, the most powerful conglomerate. Now twelve years old, Wally lives a quiet life in Relacorp but yearns for something more. Everything changes when he runs away and finds the mask of the Kingfish, Relacorp’s dying leader. Using the power of the mask, Wally embarks on a journey to steal the other masks before Avarcubus steals them first. Whoever has the masks has the power. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#10 Paulsvault

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 06:49 PM

I like the way you wrote this and it comes together nicely. My only suggestion would be starting with Wally Bennix first, so we know who the MC is and more about him, then lead into the situation with Avarcubus and the real struggle of the journey. Just do a little switch-a-roo with the wording and everything will fall into place.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#11 phil3

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 03:22 PM

Agent,

 

12-year-old Wally Bennix lives a quiet life in Relacorp, one of the four conglomerates that rule the world, but he yearns for something more. Everything changes when he runs away and finds the mask of the Kingfish, Relacorp’s dying leader.

 

The leader of each conglomerate possesses a mask that grants godlike powers. The masks should only be used when absolutely necessary. But now the tyrant Avarcubus has put on his mask and won’t take it off until the whole world bows to him.

 

Using the power of the Kingfish’s mask, Wally embarks on a journey to steal the other masks before Avarcubus steals them first. Whoever has the masks has the power. The freedom of his people depends on a lowly thief.

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Garth Nix’s THE SEVENTH TOWER series.

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#12 Sataris

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 05:13 PM

Agent,

 

12-year-old Wally Bennix lives a quiet life in Relacorp, one of the four conglomerates that rule the world, but he yearns for something more. Everything changes when he runs away and finds the mask of the Kingfish, Relacorp’s dying leader.

 

The leader of each conglomerate possesses a mask that grants godlike powers. In the past, the masks have only been The masks should only be used when absolutely necessary. But now the tyrant Avarcubus has put on his mask and won’t take it off until the whole world bows to him.

 

Using the power of the Kingfish’s mask, Wally embarks on a journey to steal the other masks before Avarcubus steals them first. Whoever has the masks has the power. The freedom of Wally's his people depends on a lowly thief. The first time I read this i wondered who the thief was, though it's clear after a second reading you mean wally. maybe mentioning his name first will clear that up.

 

THE MASK OF THE KINGFISH is a 46,000 word middle grade fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Garth Nix’s THE SEVENTH TOWER series. ​Why? what specific elements are similar?

 

Thank you for your consideration.

 

I like how concise this is, and I confess I don't know very much about middle grade. I have, however, read a little bit about how a lot of what sells MG is a convincing voice - could you try to bring a little bit of that to your query? Seems like convincing the agent you can do that right off would be a good bet. For example, a twelve year old probably wouldn't call the bad guy a tyrant. I like your hook - seems like the sort of thing that's perfect for your audience. Overall your stakes are very clear and I've got a good idea of the plot without overwhelming details. Nicely done!

 

if you've got a minute, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query here: http://agentquerycon...poc-ya-revised/


No current query!






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