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Dragoness - YA Fantasy

Fiction Fantasy New Adult Young Adult

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#1 newb

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 04:09 AM

I'm really struggling with this. Both feel super blah. Would love some help. Thanks in advance!

 

 

An exiled ex-general finds her beloved king murdered and her home city threatened by a daemon horde. She must hunt down the cunning killer who controls the daemons before her home is overrun.

 

or

 

When a ex-general is summoned out of exile by the son of the king who betrayed her, she is forced to fight for his crown or watch her home burn. But while she protects the kingdom against a daemon horde, it’s her heart she risks losing and her life she must fight for.

 

Updated post #11 thanks :)



#2 CM_Fick

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 01:20 PM

Hi Newb, 

Thanks for your thoughts on my hook. 

 

 

I'm really struggling with this. Both feel super blah. Would love some help. Thanks in advance!

 

an Exiled ex-general Aerynn Silveris finds her beloved (if he betrayed/exiled her, why is he beloved?) king murdered and her home city threatened by a daemon horde. She must hunt down the cunning killer who controls the daemons before her home is overrun.

 

or

 

When a ex-general Aerynn Silveris is summoned out of exile by the son of the king who betrayed her, she is forced to fight for his crown or watch her home burn. But while she protects the kingdom against a daemon horde, it’s her heart she risks losing and her life she must fight for.

 

 

I suggest introducing the name of your MC right away. The majority seems to prefer this (at least in my experience). 

 

I do think that between the two, you have most of the necessary information to make the hook great. The first tells the right points imo, but isn't quite compelling enough to "hook" as I feel it tells more than shows. 

 

This will need to be reworked into your own voice, but this is my (poorly written) suggestion of how I think you should lay out the hook. 

Ex-general Aerynn Silveris isn't given much of a choice, when the king who exiled her summons her back to his side. (character introduced) But when she returns to her home, she finds the king murdered and discovers a looming threat by a daemon horde (conflict) she must (overcome the conflict - hunt down killers, find who controls the horde, protect the kingdom) or else (stakes)
 
I hope this helps. 


#3 newb

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 03:49 PM

Thanks for commenting.

 

I wasn't sure if a hook was meant to be without the names, so I left it out, but was going to use the name in the queries when they went out and this was more for when someone said, "so what's it about?" and I won't stumble and say, "well...it's about a girl, who's confused...and she makes some friends...and saves the world." (Seriously, that works for everything).

 

In the story, she does love her king and is super loyal even though he betrayed her - it's part of their backstory that is explained bit by bit in the book. So I wasn't sure if I should leave out the part about him betraying her for the hook itself. 

 

All that being said. Damn your version is soooo much more better! 



#4 CM_Fick

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 04:41 PM

Thanks for commenting.

 

I wasn't sure if a hook was meant to be without the names, so I left it out, but was going to use the name in the queries when they went out and this was more for when someone said, "so what's it about?" and I won't stumble and say, "well...it's about a girl, who's confused...and she makes some friends...and saves the world." (Seriously, that works for everything).

 

In the story, she does love her king and is super loyal even though he betrayed her - it's part of their backstory that is explained bit by bit in the book. So I wasn't sure if I should leave out the part about him betraying her for the hook itself. I'd leave it out of the hook for simplicity's sake.

 

All that being said. Damn your version is soooo much more better! Thank you. I hope it helps. 

 

I must have misunderstood your initial post; are you working on a hook for your query or a logline? I forget which thread, but someone recently explained the difference between the two in the query section. 

 

For your hook, yes, name your main character. It's meant to be a short overview paragraph (1-3 sentences) meant to draw the readers into your story and keep them reading. 



#5 newb

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Posted 30 March 2017 - 05:30 PM

Ok, this is the new version I'm working on. Any thoughts appreciated.

 

When the discovery of the archangels - ancient relics of unimaginable power - ushers in the downfall of the crown. Aerynn Silveris, an exiled, legendary warrior, raised by the queen and marked by an archangel, is the only one who can save the capital. But with ghosts of her past seeking to command the archangels’ power, Aerynn hesitates to make a stand, for facing them will break her, but walking away will shatter the kingdom.



#6 CM_Fick

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 11:08 AM

 

Ok, this is the new version I'm working on. Any thoughts appreciated.

 

When the discovery of the archangels - ancient relics of unimaginable power - ushers in the downfall of the crown.(<-- this is an incomplete thought)  Aerynn Silveris, an exiled, legendary warrior, raised by the queen and marked by an archangel, is the only one who can save the capital. But with ghosts of her past seeking to command the archangels’ power, Aerynn hesitates to make a stand, for facing them will break her, but walking away will shatter the kingdom.

 

 

I'm not too sure what you were attempting to do with the first sentence. It reads more like world building than character or plot driven. 

 

Raised by the queen and marked by an archangel, Aerynn Silveris is an exiled, legendary (I'd pick one to focus on for the first sentence -- which is more important? the exiled or legendary?) warrior believed to be the one who can save the capital. (from what?) But with past ghosts of her past seeking to command the archangels’ power, Aerynn hesitates to make a stand -- for facing them will break her, but walking away will shatter the kingdom. (I like this last sentence. The ghost part is a little vague, and "break her" can be taken several different ways, but personally, I like it.)

 

While I like the overall idea you convey with this, I've reordered your first sentence and filled in the gaps for both flow and to take out the commas that, while not incorrect, slow the reader down (which is not something that you want to do in a query). 

 

Hope this helps. 



#7 newb

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:53 PM

Oh that em-dash is perfect. I was trying to figure out what I was missing there since it was so disrupting  :biggrin:



#8 newb

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:54 PM

I think the first sentence was to introduce a bit of the setting. Also so archangel is an ancient weapon and not an actual angel with wings and stuff. 



#9 Paulsvault

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 04:49 PM

With the discovery of ancient relics of unimaginable power called archangels the downfall of the crown begins.

Would that make the sentence flow better? (Or something similar) Plus it still conveys the message that the archangels are weapons and not actual angels.

Sounds interesting though!

The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

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#10 newb

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Posted 01 April 2017 - 12:20 AM

Thanks. I'll work on this more and see what I can come up with :)



#11 newb

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Posted 01 April 2017 - 06:43 AM

Revised version:

 

Raised by the queen and marked by an archangel — one of five relics of unimaginable power — Aerynn Silveris, an exiled legend, may be the answer to saving the crown and kingdom from past ghosts seeking to raze the capital. But making a stand comes with dire consequences — for facing her past will break her, but walking away will shatter the kingdom.



#12 CM_Fick

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Posted 02 April 2017 - 12:08 PM

 

Revised version:

 

Raised by the queen and marked by an archangel — (pause) one of five relics of unimaginable power — (pause) Aerynn Silveris, (pause) an exiled legend(pause), may be the answer to saving the crown and kingdom from past ghosts seeking to raze the capital. But making a stand comes with dire consequences — for facing her past will break her, but walking away will shatter the kingdom. I like this choice. 

 

 

the pauses slow the reader down in order to try and digest the clauses within the punctuation. Which is something you don't want to do when they're reading a hook. Just my 2cents.



#13 NoraP

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Posted 12 April 2017 - 10:59 AM

Have to agree with @CM_Fick, there's a lot of pauses. Also, the sentences are pretty long and have a lot of information packed into them, which makes it doubly heavy reading. 

 

 

Revised version:

 

Raised by the queen and marked by an archangel — one of five relics of unimaginable power — (unnecessary information imo. Also, you've already got the whole "raised by the queen, exiled legend, the kingdom's only hope" vibe going on, don't want to push it overboard with the unimaginable power bit) Aerynn Silveris, an exiled legend, may be the answer to saving the crown and kingdom from past (what are "past ghosts"? Aren't all ghosts technically from the past since they're dead? Not sure this is necessary either. Plus, you use "past" in the next sentence) ghosts seeking to raze the capital. But making a stand comes with dire consequences — for facing her past will break her., but walking away will shatter the kingdom.(you've already made your point about the kingdom being in danger, and since Aerynn is the answer, it can be assumed that walking away will shatter the kingdom. Maybe try adding in a few words about why facing her past will break her so it isn't so vague and general.)

 

 

All in all, sounds like a good book, just try not to stuff too much into the hook =) Hope this helps!



#14 emhop

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Posted 17 April 2017 - 09:11 PM

 

Revised version:

 

Raised by the queen and marked by an archangel — one of five relics of unimaginable power — Aerynn Silveris, an exiled legend, may be the answer to saving the crown and kingdom from past ghosts seeking to raze the capital. But making a stand comes with dire consequences — for facing her past will break her, but walking away will shatter the kingdom.

 

Suggestion:

"(Age) Aerynn Silveris is one ofive relics (that can do this super cool thing). To save the crown from past ghosts (literal ghosts or past enemies?) seeking to raze the capital, (where is this capital? Establish setting) she must (do this super dangerous thing). But facing her past will break her (don't be coy here...tell the reader why he/she should care about Aerynn and what happens to her), and walking away will shatter the kingdom.

If this is just your hook, I would suggest breaking up your lines for better flow. You're giving the reader too much info about your MC. Raised by the queen. Marked by an archangel. One ofive relics. An exiled legend. Are all these necessary? Maybe drop a few clauses and focus on the stakes, because right now it's a bit vague. Good luck!







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