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Fogbound (YA Urban Fantasy)


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#1 npstanford

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 05:58 PM

Hi all,

 

Would appreciate any and all suggestions here. The synopsis is a bit long at 620 words currently. Happy to return the favor with your synopsis or query.

***

Things haven't been normal for HAL since his dad fell into a coma three years ago. His mom works all the time, and he can't make friends at his new school. Hal thinks his only hope to get back his old life is to figure out what caused his dad's accident. Strangely, he can't remember anything from back then, and no one's talking.

 

Wanting to know more about his dad, Hal accepts an “urgent” invitation to tea from ZARA, the richest person in the city and an estranged family friend. On his way to her house, he meets AURELIE, Zara’s granddaughter, also on her way to Zara’s. Aurelie is suspicious of the coincidence of their encounter.

 

They arrive to find Zara’s house trashed and the old woman missing. As they creep, terrified, through the mansion they discover a shrine under the house containing a locked bag. When Hal touches it, he suddenly regains a memory of his bloodied dad shoving it into his arms and telling him never forget this. The bag might be the secret behind his dad’s accident, but Aurelie says the bag is hers. They’re discovered by the two strangers that ransacked the house, who demand the bag, but Aurelie reveals she is a “witch in training” when she uses her pinkie to conjure a fireball that burns down the house.

 

They escape the burning house through underground tunnels. Hal tells Aurelie about his dad and she tells him she ran away from her parents to live with Zara, who is the only one that understands her. She dodges Hal’s question about her pinkie, which is oddly bandaged, but after all they went through, Hal feels he can trust her. The two promise to work together -- to open the bag and find Zara -- but soon, Aurelie steals the locked bag and disappears.

 

Hal searches a week without finding her. When he finally finds her, she has joined Luther’s Family, a gang of runaway teens, whose mysterious leader is rumored to wear a key around his neck. Hal suspects it is for the locked bag and that Aurelie is trying to steal it. But the gang is currently in a war and Hal fears she is in over her head. She publicly mocks Hal for his concerns.

 

Meanwhile, Hal meets RAY, a former hippie rockstar, who knew his dad and has the power to enter memories. They enter a sealed off memory: young Hal and Zara inside the shrine in her house. The memory “forces” them out before they see the conclusion. Suspicious, Ray warns Hal to stay away from the bag and Zara’s granddaughter.

 

Ignoring Ray, Hal plans to steal both the locked bag and key, however, both his and Aurelie’s plans fail. Both captured, the gang leader reveals himself as one of the thugs from Zara’s house. Hal and Aurelie defeat him by combining her magic with Hal’s broken knife. Hal feels she is a true partner and friend.

 

They spend the night at Ray’s, but when Hal wakes in the morning, both Aurelie and the bag are gone. Hal refuses to believe Aurelie betrayed him again and finds her locked away, sobbing and delirious as Ray extracts her memories. In an attempt to save her, Hal somehow enters her memory: a year ago, a spell went wrong, accidentally maiming her most trusted friend and giving Aurelie her scarred pinkie. Hal breaks through and rescues her.

 

Back in the real world, Ray, impressed, decides they can handle the bag and unlocks one lock. If Hal can open the remaining locks, it will wakes his dad. Hal and Aurelie celebrate, knowing that no matter where their adventure takes them next, the other will have their back.

 


#2 Phaust

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 03:03 PM



***

Things haven't been normal for HAL since his dad fell into a coma three years ago. His mom works all the time, and he can't make friends at his new school. Hal thinks his only hope to get back his old life is to figure out what caused his dad's accident. Strangely, he can't remember anything from back then, and no one's talking. Might work in Hal's grade or age...

 

Wanting to know more about his dad, Hal accepts an “urgent” invitation to tea from ZARA, the richest person in the city and an estranged family friend. On his way to her house, he meets AURELIE, Zara’s granddaughter, also on her way to Zara’s. Aurelie is suspicious of the coincidence of their encounter.

 

They arrive to find Zara’s house trashed and the old woman missing. As they creep, terrified, through the mansion they discover a shrine under the house containing a locked bag. When Hal touches it, he suddenly regains a memory of his bloodied dad shoving it into his arms and telling him never forget this. The bag might be the secret behind his dad’s accident, but Aurelie says the bag is hers. They’re discovered by the two strangers that ransacked the house, discover them and who demand the bag, but Aurelie reveals she is a “witch in training” hmmm... could there be some indication we are in a universe where witches are real prior to this? when she uses her pinkie to conjure a fireball that burns down the house.

 

They escape the burning house through underground tunnels. Hal tells Aurelie about his dad and she tells him she ran away from her parents to live with Zara, who is the only one that understands her. She dodges Hal’s question about her pinkie, which is oddly bandaged, but after all they went through, Hal feels he can trust her. The two promise to work together -- to open the bag and find Zara. -- but soon, Aurelie steals the locked bag and disappears.

 

Hal searches a week without finding her. When he Hal finally finally finds her, she has joined Luther’s Family, a gang of runaway teens, whose mysterious leader is rumored to wear a key around his neck. Hal suspects it is for the locked bag and that Aurelie is trying to steal it. But the gang is currently in a war and Hal fears she is in over her head. She publicly mocks Hal for his concerns. Again, I am wishing I knew a bit more about the world. 

 

Meanwhile, Hal meets RAY, a former hippie rockstar, who knew his dad and has the power to enter memories. They enter a sealed off memory: a younger Hal and Zara inside the shrine in her house. The memory “forces” them out before they see the conclusion. Suspicious, Ray warns Hal to stay away from the bag and Zara’s granddaughter.

 

Ignoring Ray, Hal plans to steal both the locked bag and key, however, both his and Aurelie’s plans fail. At this point I am wondering why Hal hasn't called the cops. Also, given the risks why is the bag so important? Feel that needs to be underscored. Both captured, the gang leader reveals himself as one of the thugs from Zara’s house. Hal and Aurelie defeat him by combining her magic with Hal’s broken knife. Hal feels she is a true partner and friend.

 

They spend the night at Ray’s, but when Hal wakes in the morning, both Aurelie and the bag are gone. Hal refuses to believe Aurelie betrayed him again and finds her locked away, sobbing and delirious as Ray extracts her memories. This makes Ray sound like a bad guy. Maybe explores instead of extracts? In an attempt to save her, Hal somehow enters her memory: a year ago, a spell went wrong, accidentally maiming her most trusted friend and giving Aurelie her scarred pinkie. Hal breaks through and rescues her.

 

Back in the real world, Ray, impressed, decides they can handle the bag and unlocks one lock. If Hal can open the remaining locks, it will wakes his dad. Hal and Aurelie celebrate, knowing that no matter where their adventure takes them next, the other will have their back. Wait... he doesn't get his dad back yet? Need to know why. Are there other keys? Any theory on how the bag works? 

 

 

​I hate synopses. I don't know much about what the expectations are. I would suggest both tightening it up and giving more information. HA! Seems like a pretty good start. I more or less see the arc. I'd say the motivation needs more attention throughout. 






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