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Hook: The Warrior's Crown (YA Fantasy)

Fiction New Adult Fantasy

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#1 Paulsvault

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 02:38 PM

Update, Post #5

 

This is my first attempt at a hook for my fantasy novel, hoping to get some tips and feedback (and am expecting many revisions  :smile: )

 

Twenty-year old Adira would do anything to reclaim the fallen kingdom from the Dark Lord, even risking her life to allow a powerful force that can defeat him to possess her body.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#2 Testome

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:22 PM

While we have the goal and obstacle. I think adding more of your unique spin on this idea to the hook would be beneficial. 



#3 newb

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:57 PM

I'm new to this too, so I might not be helpful, but maybe something that says why Adira is unique or who she is (just an average village girl turned superhero? a princess in disguise? a phantom conjurer?) and why it's important to her to reclaim the fallen kingdom?



#4 Paulsvault

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 04:37 PM

Thanks for the great responses so far! She would definitely fall under the "village girl turned superhero" so I'll find a way to incorporate that.

The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#5 Paulsvault

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 12:34 PM

I'll put this here while I continue to work on my query. 

 

Shorter:

 

Twenty-year old Adira learns a dark secret that changes her life forever. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is murdered, she vows to get revenge, even if it means risking her life.

 

Longer:

 

Twenty-year old Adira learns a dark secret after a chance encounter with a dying soldier that changes her life forever. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed by men hunting her for knowing too much, she vows to get her revenge, even if it means risking her life.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#6 newb

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Posted 08 April 2017 - 07:08 AM

When twenty-year old Adira's adoptive father is murdered, she vows to get revenge, even if it costs her life. 

 

 

Just a thought: Maybe actually losing her life is a higher stake than risking it. 



#7 Paulsvault

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Posted 08 April 2017 - 10:38 PM

I would agree, losing is worse than risking  :smile:  That's why I avoid Vegas, I would risk AND lose!

 

When twenty-year old Adira's adoptive father is murdered, she vows to get revenge, even if it costs her life.

 

It does have a better flow. Thanks! I only wonder, if this were a twitter type pitch, how the fantasy portion of the story would be involved, if it matters. It reads as if it could be here, present day, or in the old west or anywhere. Just wondering if it's too generic.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#8 newb

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 11:36 PM

Hmm twitter pitches  :blink:

 

You could always say...in 140 characters or less...

 

When twenty-year old 20yr old Adira's adoptive father is murdered by space monkeys, she vows to get revenge, even if it costs her life.

 

Suddenly it's sci-fi?  :happy: 



#9 Paulsvault

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 05:29 PM

I'm not married to this one, but just throwing it against the wall to see if it sticks.

 

When 18yr old Adira's father is murdered by a demon overlord's followers, she vows to get revenge, even if it costs her life.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#10 Sreid

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 06:16 PM

After reading that last version, I'd certainly want to read more. It works for me.







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