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June Bug - Contemporary YA (take two)


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#1 perpetual

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 04:43 PM

Here's the latest version (as of July 10):

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber has come a long way in the several years since her dad’s sudden death. But it all goes up in flames—figuratively and literally—when she accidentally sets her new school on fire and Mom drops the bomb about the real reason for their recent move: her Boy Toy of a year and a half. Without warning, June feels like she’s backpedaling to the worst time of her life.

 

To distract herself from Mom and The Boy Toy, June pours all her energy and enthusiasm into a mostly one-sided friendship with her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, Asher Alkoff. June's convinced they're meant to be friends, especially since Asher shares her pain of a losing a parent. But Asher has dark secrets of his own, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. When she realizes the height of his despair, June needs to help him—it’s a matter of life and death. What she isn't prepared for is having to face her own past, a history she thought she’d conquered. And even if she does manage to overcome her own hurdles, will it be enough to save Asher from himself?

 

JUNE BUG, my debut novel, is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship, and of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice. Thank you kindly for your consideration.


Query: Click here.

 


#2 Bananas

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 08:50 PM

There's some good voicey stuff in there, but you need to tighten the plot more.  Right now it feels like setup, rather than the start of a journey.

Hey guys! So, a little while ago, I ran a query for this novel with you guys once, but I didn't have any success with it agent-wise, so take two!

 

Here's the latest version, started from scratch:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) isn’t sure how it happened, but one minute she’s talking to her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, Asher Alkoff, and by the next she’s accidentally set her new school on fire. Oops!  I like this intro.

 

She knows something’s up when her mom doesn’t immediately ground her. Ah, yes, it appears their recent move had an ulterior motive: The Boy Toy. Of a year and a half. What?  'What' is my thoughts exactly.  The "Ah yes" sentence doesn't link to the school fire stuff and the shift left me with whiplash. Beyond the betrayal of being kept in the dark,  In the dark about what?  Why they moved?  Surely a seventeen year old would put two and two together.  We moved to the Boy Toy's town.  Hmmm.  Wonder why? June’s not ready—in any sense of the word—for her mom to be in love with someone who isn’t her dad.  How else can "not ready" be taken?  

 

When June discovers Asher shares the pain of losing a parent to death, is in the dead dad club (or something better than the mouthful that's there now), she’s determined they should be friends. Even though it’s tough being friends with someone who’s kind of sullen and definitely evasive though. But the true test of friendship comes when June finds Asher on the floor of his bathroom, clutching a bottle of pills.  This is an odd sentence.  Surely the test here is how fast the ambulance can get to Asher's house.  I need bigger stakes here.  What choice does June have to make?  What happens if she doesn't make the right decision?  Is your story about Asher's recovery and how she helps him?  Just spit-balling.

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice, and Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship in the face of serious difficulties. Thank you kindly for your consideration.



#3 perpetual

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Posted 01 April 2017 - 02:14 PM

There's some good voicey stuff in there, but you need to tighten the plot more.  Right now it feels like setup, rather than the start of a journey.

 

June thinks the move is for a job transfer until her mom tells her the whole truth/tells her about the guys she's been dating the past year and a half. Thoughts on making this clearer without making the query too wordy? Basically wording it so the question doesn't come up because the agent will find out when they read the story haha

 

Also, I didn't think the last sentence implied Asher TOOK the pills so no need for an ambulance? The stakes are Asher's life--can June get him to see why he has to keep fighting. Thoughts on how I can make this clearer too without, you know, explaining my entire book haha. :)


Query: Click here.

 


#4 Paulsvault

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 12:19 PM

My thoughts after reading your most recent post.

 

Hey guys! So, a little while ago, I ran a query for this novel with you guys once, but I didn't have any success with it agent-wise, so take two!

 

Here's the latest version, started from scratch:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) isn’t sure how it happened, but one minute she’s talking to her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, Asher Alkoff, and by the next she’s accidentally set her new school on fire. Oops!

 

She knows something’s up when her mom doesn’t immediately ground her. Ah, yes, it appears their recent move had an ulterior motive: The Boy Toy. Of a year and a half. What? Beyond the betrayal of being kept in the dark, June’s not ready—in any sense of the word—for her mom to be in love with someone who isn’t her dad. Maybe find a way to tie in what not grounding her has to do with the move, for clarity.  Just spit balling here, but "it appears the recent move had more to do with her boy toy of a year and a half and less about a job transfer"? unless you are wanting to leave the job transfer out altogether.

 

When June discovers Asher shares the pain of losing a parent to death, she’s determined they should be friends. Even though it’s tough being friends with someone who’s kind of sullen and definitely evasive. But the true test of friendship comes when June finds Asher on the floor of his bathroom, clutching a bottle of pills. Even after reading your explanation, it still gives off the vibe that he did take the pills. Maybe he's sitting on the floor looking at the bottle, but I would assume he was passed out after taking them.

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice, and Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship in the face of serious difficulties. Thank you kindly for your consideration.

 

It does sound interesting and after reading your last post the plot makes more sense. Just find a way (yeah, I know... easier said than done! :biggrin: ) to make it tighter. 

 

Check out mine if you get a chance  


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

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#5 RosieSkye

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 10:05 PM

Hey guys! So, a little while ago, I ran a query for this novel with you guys once, but I didn't have any success with it agent-wise, so take two!

 

Here's the latest version, started from scratch:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) isn’t sure how it happened, but one minute she’s talking to her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, Asher Alkoff, and by the next she’s accidentally set her new school on fire. Oops!

 

She knows something’s up when her mom doesn’t immediately ground her. Ah, yes, it appears their recent move had an ulterior motive: The Boy Toy. Of a year and a half. What? (I'm unclear whether or not June knows about this man.  If she doesn't, I'd say a boy toy, rather than the boy toy.) Beyond the betrayal of being kept in the dark, June’s not ready—in any sense of the word—for her mom to be in love with someone who isn’t her dad. (As this paragraph goes on, I start wondering about the fire.  You introduce it straight off as though it's a major plot point, but then it just disappears.  If you're using it solely as a way to grab the reader, it feels like a letdown when there's no payoff.)

 

When June discovers that Asher shares the pain of losing a parent to death, she’s determined they should be friends. Even though it’s tough being friends with someone who’s kind of sullen and definitely evasive. But the true test of friendship comes when June finds Asher on the floor of his bathroom, clutching a bottle of pills. (I feel like this ends too abruptly.  I figure what's at stake for June is losing her friend, but I don't get a feel for them having a really strong friendship from your query, so it doesn't feel like dire stakes.  I mean, obviously losing somebody you know is traumatic, but do you see what I mean?  Keep it about June.)

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice, and Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship in the face of serious difficulties. Thank you kindly for your consideration.

 

 

Hope this helps!



#6 NicoleLeigh

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Posted 04 April 2017 - 08:58 AM

Here are my thoughts. I'm not an expert, though, so take them with a grain of salt. :)

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a. I think you might be able to leave the periods out entirely (so, aka not a.k.a.) June Bug) isn’t sure how it happened, but one minute she’s talking to her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, Asher Alkoff, and by the next, she’s accidentally set her new school on fire. Oops!

 

She knows something’s up when her mom doesn’t immediately ground her. This might be a personal preference, but I'd add a sentence to connect these two. Like, right now, you're implying that the boy toy is why she isn't grounded, but it's not totally clear. (But it is clear enough that I understood what you meant, so I'm sure you could leave it as-is, if you want.) Ah, yes, it appears their recent move had an ulterior motive: The Boy Toy. Of a year and a half. What? Beyond the betrayal of being kept in the dark, June’s not ready—in any sense of the word—for her mom to be in love with someone who isn’t her dad.

 

When June discovers Asher shares the pain of losing a parent to death, she’s determined they should be friends. Even though it’s tough being friends with someone who’s kind of sullen and definitely evasive. But the true test of friendship comes when June finds Asher on the floor of his bathroom, clutching a bottle of pills. I read the above comments, so I know he hasn't taken the pills yet, but I still don't know if that would be clear to someone reading this for the first time. Maybe you could say something like "when June finds Asher, shaking and scared on the floor of his bathroom, clutching a bottle of pills." Just something so it's clear he's still alive and conscious. 

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice, and Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship in the face of serious difficulties. Thank you kindly for your consideration.



#7 perpetual

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Posted 04 April 2017 - 09:32 AM

Ok guys. I've taken your suggestions to heart. I'm forgetting about the fire thing and really trying to have the query revolve around June's feelings and not a thing else.

 

The latest version is below and in the original post. :)

 

I'm hoping by adding the word "SITTING" and an additional sentence, it becomes clear enough Asher doesn't actually take the pills.

 

Here goes:

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) wishes her mom would just ground her. Punishment is a far better fate than learning about and being forced to meet The Boy Toy her mom’s been dating the past year and a half, who’s the real reason June’s in a new school with no best friends in sight. It’s not even about the betrayal of being kept in the dark. June doesn’t want a new dad, so why does her mom want a new husband?

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into initiating a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work—the perfect way to simultaneously spend time with Asher and avoid Mom and The Boy Toy.

 

But Asher has his own demons, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. At least until June finds Asher sitting on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.


Query: Click here.

 


#8 Bananas

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Posted 04 April 2017 - 02:30 PM

Take this for what it's worth.  

 

There aren't any secrets between seventeen year old June Bug and her mom - or at least that's what June thought.  So when they move across country for her mom's new job, she's crushed when she discovers the real reason for their move.  They're in the godforsaken city because her mom wanted to be closer to her newfound internet boyfriend.  Gross.

 

Now, June is alone in a new town, while her mom stays busy with her Boy Toy.  With no friends and a new school, she is suddenly a loner.  That's probably the reason why she notices Asher Alkoff.  He's gorgeous, but like her, always alone.  With literally nothing better to do, she strikes up a friendship with this fellow outcast.  As they slowly connect, June learns they're more alike than she initially thought.  Asher's dad is also dead.  

 

But as their friendship deepens, she discovers that Asher's demons are darker and more dangerous than she realized.  When she finds him sitting on floor of his bathroom, contemplating a bottle of sleeping pills, she realizes their friendship is about more than just fending off loneliness.  It might be the only thing keeping him alive.

 

Ok guys. I've taken your suggestions to heart. I'm forgetting about the fire thing and really trying to have the query revolve around June's feelings and not a thing else.

 

The latest version is below and in the original post. :)

 

I'm hoping by adding the word "SITTING" and an additional sentence, it becomes clear enough Asher doesn't actually take the pills.

 

Here goes:

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) wishes her mom would just ground her. This sentence lacks cotext.  Without the accidental fire thing, it really doesn't make sense.  Punishment is a far better fate than learning about and being forced to meet The Boy Toy her mom’s been dating the past year and a half, who’s the real reason June’s in a new school with no best friends in sight.  This a hell of a mouthful. It’s not even about the betrayal of being kept in the dark. June doesn’t want a new dad, so why does her mom want a new husband?  Personally, I wouldn't think that a 17 year old would be thinking about this guy being her new dad.  I think she'd be more upset at her mother has lied to her.

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into initiating a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work—the perfect way to simultaneously spend time with Asher and avoid Mom and The Boy Toy.

 

But Asher has his own demons, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. I don't love this sentence.  At least until June finds Asher sitting on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. I still get a suicide vibe from this sentence.  June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.  Fears about what?  



#9 perpetual

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 07:48 AM

Take this for what it's worth.  

 

There aren't any secrets between seventeen year old June Bug and her mom - or at least that's what June thought.  So when they move across country for her mom's new job, she's crushed when she discovers the real reason for their move.  They're in the godforsaken city because her mom wanted to be closer to her newfound internet boyfriend.  Gross.

 

Now, June is alone in a new town, while her mom stays busy with her Boy Toy.  With no friends and a new school, she is suddenly a loner.  That's probably the reason why she notices Asher Alkoff.  He's gorgeous, but like her, always alone.  With literally nothing better to do, she strikes up a friendship with this fellow outcast.  As they slowly connect, June learns they're more alike than she initially thought.  Asher's dad is also dead.  

 

But as their friendship deepens, she discovers that Asher's demons are darker and more dangerous than she realized.  When she finds him sitting on floor of his bathroom, contemplating a bottle of sleeping pills, she realizes their friendship is about more than just fending off loneliness.  It might be the only thing keeping him alive.

 

I would LOVE to use this, but unfortunately, most of it doesn't work for my novel. :( June does try to make friends outside of Asher--it just doesn't pan out. And their friendship is quite one-sided for most of the novel...

 

Here's another shot:

 

Thanks to her mom’s betrayal, there’s a canyon-sized hole in seventeen-year-old June Gerber’s chest. Betrayal is the only word to describe her mom’s crimes: moving June to a new town under the guise of a job transfer, keeping The Boy Toy a secret for a year and a half, and worst, daring to replace June’s Dad.

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work. It’s the perfect plan to simultaneously avoid Mom and The Boy Toy and spend time with Asher, maybe even getting a friend or, at least, a listening ear out of the deal.

But Asher has his own secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. June realizes the height of his despair when she finds him on his bathroom floor and has to wrestle pills away from him. June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.

 

***

 

So... I know that last line may be a little weak. What June has to face is a) the reality of her Mom having moved on from her dad's death even if June hasn't; b) sharing her story about her own battle with depression; c) learning to accept The Boy Toy without thinking of him as wanting to replace her dad; and even d) her fears of trusting Mom and The Boy Toy to actually help with the Asher situation. But like.... WAAAAY too much to include. :-/ Why is this bitch so difficult? hahaha


Query: Click here.

 


#10 Bananas

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 11:44 AM

I would LOVE to use this, but unfortunately, most of it doesn't work for my novel. :( June does try to make friends outside of Asher--it just doesn't pan out. And their friendship is quite one-sided for most of the novel...  That's fine.  It was just a thought I had.  I'll just say this though - sometimes I think it's ok to tell little white lies or gloss over some facts in your query.  I know I've done that with mine - my MC isn't quite the hard bitten Han Solo type, but for the sake of clarity I've chosen to play up that aspect of personality.  So while June might have tried to make other friends, that's not a particularly grabbing piece of plot.  I'd go so far as to suggest it's not relevant for your query.  As far as the "one-sided" nature of their friendship, my gut tells me that's too complex of an idea to get across in 300 words.

 

Here's another shot:

 

Thanks to her mom’s betrayal, there’s a canyon-sized hole in seventeen-year-old June Gerber’s chest. Betrayal is the only word to describe her mom’s crimes: moving June to a new town under the guise of a job transfer, keeping The Boy Toy a secret for a year and a half, and worst, daring to replace June’s Dad.

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work. It’s the perfect plan to simultaneously avoid Mom and The Boy Toy and spend time with Asher, maybe even getting a friend or, at least, a listening ear out of the deal.

But Asher has his own secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. June realizes the height of his despair when she finds him on his bathroom floor and has to wrestle pills away from him. June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.

 

***

 

So... I know that last line may be a little weak. What June has to face is a) the reality of her Mom having moved on from her dad's death even if June hasn't; b) sharing her story about her own battle with depression; c) learning to accept The Boy Toy without thinking of him as wanting to replace her dad; and even d) her fears of trusting Mom and The Boy Toy to actually help with the Asher situation. But like.... WAAAAY too much to include. :-/ Why is this bitch so difficult? hahaha

 

I think that's the core of your problem.  A query isn't about revealing every nuance in your story - there just isn't space to do it effectively.  Your job is to pick the MOST interesting aspects of your story and build on that.  Personally, the new boyfriend "replacing" her father isn't going to get me to read this story.  I'm far more interested in what's happening between June and Asher.  The rest is solid B story stuff.  Take my query - I've left out a major sub-plot about my MC's being hunted by a vengeful pirate/smuggler.  B stories are what makes your novel a complete work, but they just serve to confuse queries.  



#11 Zach67

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 06:46 PM

Here's the latest version, started from scratch:

 

Thanks to her mom’s betrayal, there’s a canyon-sized hole in seventeen-year-old June Gerber’s chest. Betrayal is the only word to describe her mom’s crimes: moving June to a new town under the guise of a job transfer, keeping The Boy Toy a secret for a year and a half, and worst, daring to replace June’s Dad. I don't like the wording on this. Too spacey and run ons

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death I would have thought mom cheated from the hook, June pours all her energy into a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work. It’s the perfect plan to simultaneously avoid Mom and The Boy Toy and spend time with Asher, maybe even getting a friend or, at least, a listening ear out of the deal. 

 

But Asher has his own secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. June realizes the height of his despair when she finds him on his bathroom floor and has to wrestle pills away from him. June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own past and fears about the future. Good ending, but spacey needed to be concise

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. Sentence deleted needed to be deleted. Thank you kindly for your consideration.  

 

It has potential. Needs a lot of work


My timeless miracle query: http://agentquerycon...ne/#entry337370

 

My timeless miracle synopsis: http://agentquerycon...meless +miracle

 

 


#12 Anand Singh

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 09:38 PM

Here's the latest version, started from scratch:

 

Thanks to her mom’s betrayal, there’s a canyon-sized hole in seventeen-year-old June Gerber’s chest. Betrayal is the only word to describe her mom’s crimes: moving June to a new town under the guise of a job transfer, keeping The Boy Toy a secret for a year and a half, and worst, daring to replace June’s Dad. (This hook isn't interesting enough to pique my interest. I liked your first hook better.)

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, (how does she get to know that he has lost a parent?) June pours all her energy into a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work. It’s the perfect plan to simultaneously avoid Mom and The Boy Toy and spend time with Asher, maybe even getting a friend or, at least, a listening ear out of the deal.

 

But Asher has his own secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. June realizes the height of his despair when she finds him on his bathroom floor and has to wrestle pills away from him. June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own past and fears about the future. (The last line is weak and a bit vague. )

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice, and Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship in the face of serious difficulties. Thank you for your consideration. (I'd include a short bio)

This a good attempt but I think that it could use a bit of polish. Hope this helped!

 

BTW thanks for your reply to my query. It helped a lot.


Edited by Anand Singh, 06 April 2017 - 09:44 PM.


#13 eric balson

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 08:40 AM

I would LOVE to use this, but unfortunately, most of it doesn't work for my novel. :( June does try to make friends outside of Asher--it just doesn't pan out. And their friendship is quite one-sided for most of the novel...

 

Here's another shot:

 

Thanks to her mom’s betrayal, there’s a canyon-sized hole in seventeen-year-old June Gerber’s chest. Betrayal is the only word to describe her mom’s crimes: moving June to a new town under the guise of a job transfer, keeping The Boy Toy a secret for a year and a half, and worst, daring to replace June’s Dad.

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work. It’s the perfect plan to simultaneously avoid Mom and The Boy Toy and spend time with Asher, maybe even getting a friend or, at least, a listening ear out of the deal.

But Asher has his own secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. June realizes the height of his despair when she finds him on his bathroom floor and has to wrestle pills away from him. June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.

 

***

 

So... I know that last line may be a little weak. What June has to face is a) the reality of her Mom having moved on from her dad's death even if June hasn't; b) sharing her story about her own battle with depression; c) learning to accept The Boy Toy without thinking of him as wanting to replace her dad; and even d) her fears of trusting Mom and The Boy Toy to actually help with the Asher situation. But like.... WAAAAY too much to include. :-/ Why is this bitch so difficult? hahaha

 

I have to say, this is a really good query. There's very little wrong here, but like you said, the last sentence is a bit vague. Otherwise, at least in my opinion, you're almost there.



#14 VitaCoco

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 10:04 AM

I know you said the following wouldn't work, but I really like the suggestion Bananas made.

 

 

Take this for what it's worth.  

 

There aren't any secrets between seventeen-year-old June Bug and her momor at least that's what June (had?) thought. So when they move across country for her mom's new job, she's crushed when as she discovers the real reason for their (OR: this last-minute) move. They're in the godforsaken city because her Her mom wanted to be closer to her newfound internet boyfriend. Gross.

 

Now, June is alone in a new town (OR: alone in the godforsaken town of XXX), while her mom stays busy with her Boy Toy. With no friends and a new school, she is suddenly a loner.  That's probably the reason why she notices Asher Alkoff.  He's Yeah, he's gorgeous, but like her, he's always alone. With literally nothing better to do, she strikes up a friendship with this fellow outcast. She even volunteers at his place of work, simultaneously avoiding Mom and The Boy Toy and spending time with Asher. As they slowly connect, June learns they're more alike than she initially thought. For one, Asher's dad is also dead too.  

 

But as their friendship deepens, she discovers that Asher's demons are darker and more dangerous than she realized had ever imagined. When she finds him sitting on floor of his bathroom, contemplating a bottle of sleeping pills, she realizes their friendship is about more than just fending off loneliness. It might be the only thing keeping him alive.

 

JUNE BUG is a 69,000-word Contemporary YA. It's reminiscent of Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship in the face of serious difficulties, and of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice.


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#15 perpetual

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 01:16 PM

Reviving an old thread after I used some of these suggestions and tried another direction. :)


Query: Click here.

 


#16 Kimseal

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 03:14 PM

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) wishes her mom would just ground her. Punishment is a far better fate than learning about and being forced to meet The Boy Toy her mom’s been dating the past year and a half, who’s He's the real reason June’s in a new school with no best friends in sight, after all. It’s not even about the betrayal of being kept in the dark. June doesn’t want a new dad, so why does her mom want a new husband?

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her the pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into initiating a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work—the perfect way to simultaneously spend time with Asher and avoid Mom and The Boy Toy.

 

But Asher has his own demons, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. At least until June finds Asher sitting on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. and? June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.

 

What choice does June have to make? It seems like the obvious answer in the short term to call for help. It also seems like the whole situation could certainly stir up a lot of emotions in her, but what does she actually do?

 

I love the first part. The voice is clear and I understand and sympathize with June. There's not enough of the rest of the story in here for me though. What happens with the Boy Toy? What actions does June take? What consequences does she face for taking them?

 

Thanks for taking a look at mine!



#17 perpetual

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 03:32 PM

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber (a.k.a June Bug) wishes her mom would just ground her. Punishment is a far better fate than learning about and being forced to meet The Boy Toy her mom’s been dating the past year and a half, who’s He's the real reason June’s in a new school with no best friends in sight, after all. It’s not even about the betrayal of being kept in the dark. June doesn’t want a new dad, so why does her mom want a new husband?

 

When June discovers that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her the pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into initiating a friendship. She even volunteers at his place of work—the perfect way to simultaneously spend time with Asher and avoid Mom and The Boy Toy.

 

But Asher has his own demons, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. At least until June finds Asher sitting on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. and? June wants—needs—to help Asher. Doing so, however, means facing her own fears.

 

What choice does June have to make? It seems like the obvious answer in the short term to call for help. It also seems like the whole situation could certainly stir up a lot of emotions in her, but what does she actually do?

 

I love the first part. The voice is clear and I understand and sympathize with June. There's not enough of the rest of the story in here for me though. What happens with the Boy Toy? What actions does June take? What consequences does she face for taking them?

 

Thanks for taking a look at mine!

 

Aww man, you critted an old one ;) The new one is posted in the initial post! ;)


Query: Click here.

 


#18 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 11:35 PM

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber has come a long way since her dad passed away.   June's life all goes up in flames, though, when she accidentally sets her new school on fire and her Mom drops the bomb about The Boy Toy of a year and a half. (I don't get "The Boy Toy" of a year and a half thing.) Without warning, June feels like she’s backpedaling to the worst time of her life.  If you take out the first sentence, you have a golden hook.

 

After discovering that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into this friendship. But Asher has dark secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep locked inside an emotional vault. I'd expand more on this for a sentence or two. Explore more of how they connect and hint at what secrets he may hide.

 

When she realizes the height of his despair, June needs to help him—it’s a matter of life and   or he will die. death. Doing so, however, means facing fears she thought she’d conquered. And even if she does, will it be enough? "A matter of life or death" is a clique. Don't have those. Those turn into rejections. - Also, expand more on how she'd have to open up her past or how he may die because of his despair. I got the vibe that he's suicidal. Is that true?

 

JUNE BUG, a contemporary YA, , my debut novel, is complete with 69,000 words. Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship, and of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice. I'm not fond of relating your book to other books. Why? What if the agent hates those books, will he/she pick yours? I don't want my agent to get an idea of how my stories are through another book.

 

Thank you kindly for your consideration. Try not to have any words that end with -ly. They actually don't help much. Also, make this sentence by itself in its own paragraph.

Sounds interesting! This is a good draft.
 



#19 jaustail

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 03:29 AM

JMO:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber has come a long way since her dad passed away(maybe mention when did the father pass away. Like: fifteen days after her father passed away...). It all goes up in flames,(I didn't understand this. How is her effort of getting over the father's demise related to school disaster?) though, when she accidentally sets her new school on fire and Mom drops the bomb about The Boy Toy of a year and a half. Without warning, June feels like she’s backpedaling to the worst time of her life. (this is telling. maybe: back to nights filled with crying along in her bedroom and indulging in self-harm/guilt or something like that)

 

After discovering that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy(what energy did she have? maybe: June confesses her heart out or or something like that) into a friendship. But Asher has dark secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. When she realizes the height of his despair, June needs to help him—it’s a matter of life and death. Doing so, however, means facing fears(fears of?) she thought she’d conquered. And even if she does, will it be enough?

 

 

To be honest I didn't understand the query. 'Facing fears' made me think the mc had magical powers. I'd suggest a revision.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#20 jjohnson

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 01:19 PM

Here's the latest version (as of Jun 26), started from scratch:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old June Gerber has come a long way since her dad passed away. It all goes up in flames, though, when she accidentally sets her new school on fire and Mom drops the bomb about The Boy Toy of a year and a half (Is he really a boy toy if it's been a year and a half?). Without warning, June feels like she’s backpedaling to the worst time of her life (Elaborate on what state she's in).

 

After discovering that Asher Alkoff—the school’s resident loner hottie—shares her pain of losing a parent to death, June pours all her energy into their friendship (Does the friendship help her emotionally or is it just an escape?). But Asher has dark secrets, shut, locked, and barricaded deep inside an emotional vault. When she realizes the height of his despair, June needs to help him—it’s a matter of life and death (What is the threat? Is she saving him from himself?). Doing so, however, means facing fears she thought she’d conquered. And even if she does, will it be enough?

 

JUNE BUG, my debut novel, is a 69,000 word Contemporary YA. It’s reminiscent of Emmy & Oliver in its theme of friendship, and of Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in its voice. Thank you kindly for your consideration.

I think it just needs a little elaboration, and it should be good to go.


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.





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