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The Warrior's Crown (YA Fantasy)


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#21 Paulsvault

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Posted 10 April 2017 - 08:08 PM

Thanks for the input emhop. It seems the body of the query is taking form whereas the hook is being a thorn in my side. I'll head back to the drawing board with it and find a way to put the idea in a simpler form with more information. 


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#22 Paulsvault

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 09:12 AM

Here we go again...

 

Dear agent,

 

While hunting deep in the forest, twenty-year old Adira, a simple peasant girl, stumbles upon a dying soldier who reveals a dark conspiracy that threatens the kingdom’s very existence. Bedrog, a demon overlord thought to have been banished long ago, has suddenly resurfaced, and Adira now finds herself hunted by his merciless warriors who want her dead.

 

The knowledge of Bedrog’s existence leads to the murder of Adira’s adoptive father, forcing her to flee her home, and vowing revenge. She finds shelter at an outpost on the farthest edge of the kingdom of Meerovia and learns to fight like a soldier, eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira recounts the startling information she learned.

 

The Seer, believing the meeting with the soldier was more than mere chance, is convinced that Adira is key to stopping this evil from spreading across the land. The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only choice to defeat Bedrog, and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#23 CM_Fick

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 07:30 PM

Here we go again...

 

Dear agent,

 

While hunting deep in the forest, twenty-year old Adira, a simple peasant girl, stumbles upon a dying soldier who reveals a dark conspiracy that threatens the kingdom’s very existence. Bedrog, a demon overlord thought to have been banished long ago, has suddenly resurfaced, and Adira now finds herself hunted by his merciless warriors who want her dead. (Your first sentence here has too many breaks, too close. It slows down the eye and makes the reader lose interest. Other's may disagree, but this also feels like two separate thoughts. This will need to be rewritten in your own voice, and this is by no means ideal, but I suggest something along these lines for your hook: When twenty-year-old Adira she comes across a dying soldier in the woods, he tells her that a long-banished demon has resurfaced in the kingdom. While she may be a simple peasant girl........introduce your conflict and how your character will overcome to fulfill her goal -- and I'm sorry, but I don't feel like being hunted is the right conflict to showcase here.)

 

The knowledge of Bedrog’s the demon's existence leads to the murder of Adira’s adoptive father, forcing her to vow revenge and flee her home, and vowing revenge. She finds shelter at an outpost on the farthest edge of the kingdom of Meerovia (this info feels like filler to me and not important at this point) and learns to fight like a soldier, eager to use her new skills against the her enemies. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira recounts the startling information she learned.

 

The Seer, believing the meeting with the soldier was more than mere chance, is convinced that Adira is key to stopping this evil from spreading across the land. The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only choice to defeat Bedrog, and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

 

Hi Paulsvault, 

 

I've made my notes mostly on your hook. I feel like this need some attention as it doesn't outline your conflict and how your MC will "try" to overcome to complete their goal. If you want to keep the first paragraph as it is, then I suggest writing a new hook to have at the beginning. This is just my 2 cents however. Do what you will with my suggestions :)



#24 otto

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 08:40 PM

Here we go again...

 

Dear agent,

 

While hunting deep in the forest, twenty-year old Adira, a simple peasant girl, stumbles upon a dying soldier who reveals a dark conspiracy that threatens the kingdom’s very existence. <--Consider rewording for flow) Names aren't too necessary in a query when it comes to bad guys Bedrog, a demon overlord thought to have been banished long ago, has suddenly resurfaced, and Adira now finds herself hunted by his merciless warriors who want her dead.  This is a little tricky. I feel like the last sentence and the first one of your next paragraph should be combined. (Just a thought: Hunted by his merciless warriors leads to Adira's adoptive father being slayed. Fleeing from her home, she vows revenge and takes up the sword. ) Not exactly what I was getting at but I think you'll get the idea of what I'm trying to say, hopefully. 

 

The knowledge of Bedrog’s existence leads to the murder of Adira’s adoptive father, forcing her to flee her home, and vowing revenge. She finds shelter at an outpost on the farthest edge of the kingdom of Meerovia and learns to fight like a soldier, eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira recounts the startling information she learned. <--The last sentence makes me cringe. It's so void and bland, like a rice cake. 

 

The Seer, believing the meeting with the soldier was more than mere chance, is convinced that Adira is key to stopping this evil from spreading across the land. The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only choice to defeat Bedrog, and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life. Another area of concern. The 'ancient entity' feels disconnected. First she's fighting by herself, now there's an entity. You might need give a few more details to extend but I believe it will be worth it for sake of flow.  Consider choosing why is she the one to carry the entity? Does the entity choose? Why does her vengeance hinge on this union? The Seer chooses? The Seer just convinced doesn't convince me.  

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

I LOVE your concept. I would totally pick this up and read it. (I'm picky with books btw.) Most of the basics are there you just need to plug them in to get the magic flowing. 

Take what you will from my suggestions, even if it's none at all, that's the best part about suggestions. :smile: You know your story above us all. 

Best of luck with your adventure! 



#25 Paulsvault

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 11:12 PM

Otto and CM_Fick, thanks for the wonderful advice. I've taken your combined efforts and thrown something together that I hope brings me closer to the right direction. I know I should probably sleep on it before putting it here, but what do I have to lose right?  :biggrin: At right around 225 words I'm wondering if I could actually afford to beef it up some as well, or if this is just about the right amount of information needed. Thanks in advance!

 

Dear agent,

 

Adira is horrified to find out that a demon overlord, thought to have been banished ages ago, has resurfaced. When the twenty-year old peasant girl learns the startling information from a dying soldier, she suddenly finds herself the target of the demon’s merciless warriors. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed, Adira vows revenge, and seeks refuge at a faraway outpost.

 

At the outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about Adira’s adoptive father, convinces the Seer that the encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. Adira may be the key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.

 

As Adira struggles with the choice between seeking her own revenge, or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#26 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 11:46 PM

Wish I knew these forums' formatting shortcuts better haha...thought I'd have a go. I'm editing this purely for flow–I'll try to retain as much of YOUR words as possible.

Otto and CM_Fick, thanks for the wonderful advice. I've taken your combined efforts and thrown something together that I hope brings me closer to the right direction. I know I should probably sleep on it before putting it here, but what do I have to lose right?  :biggrin: At right around 225 words I'm wondering if I could actually afford to beef it up some as well, or if this is just about the right amount of information needed. Thanks in advance!
 
Dear agent,
 
A demon overlord, thought to have been banished ages ago, has resurfaced. Adira, a twenty-year old peasant girl, learns the startling information from a dying soldier. Now the target of the demon’s merciless warriors and forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed, Adira vows revenge..
 
Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence, and a shocking revelation about her adoptive father. Convinced that the encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance, the Seer (I want to say 'foretells' here, but you may have a better word) that Adira may be the key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.
 
As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.
 
WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


Nicely done, Paul! Any changes I made are strictly suggestions, but you have a really great query here—definitely a story I'd read! :biggrin:

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#27 AliRey80

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Posted 12 April 2017 - 12:43 PM

Dear agent,

 

After an encounter with a dying soldier, twenty-year old Adira learns a dark conspiracy that changes her life. Bedrog, an evil being thought to have been banished long ago, has suddenly resurfaced, threatening death and destruction for all. Adira, now the only person aware of Bedrog’s existence, finds herself hunted by sinister creatures and ominous forces who want her dead.

 

When this knowledge leads to the murder of her adoptive father, Adira is forced to flee her home, but she vows revenge – even if it means risking her life. She finds shelter at an outpost on the farthest edge of the kingdom of Meerovia where she learns to fight like a soldier, and becomes eager to use her new skills against the enemy. Not sure this is needed- seems obvious to me.  When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira recounts the startling information she learned.

 

The Seer believes the meeting with the soldier her/Adira was more than mere chance, and that Adira she is the key to stopping this evil from spreading across the land. The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only hope to defeat Bedrog,no comma and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life.

 
This is getting better and better.  Good luck!


#28 emhop

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Posted 12 April 2017 - 08:52 PM

I really like JeffJustWrites' suggestions! It does flow much better and the hook does its job. I think that was what needed attention. All in all, great query, Paul!



#29 janeald

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Posted 12 April 2017 - 09:08 PM

Otto and CM_Fick, thanks for the wonderful advice. I've taken your combined efforts and thrown something together that I hope brings me closer to the right direction. I know I should probably sleep on it before putting it here, but what do I have to lose right?  :biggrin: At right around 225 words I'm wondering if I could actually afford to beef it up some as well, or if this is just about the right amount of information needed. Thanks in advance!

 

Dear agent,

 

Adira is horrified to find out that a demon overlord, thought to have been banished ages ago, has resurfaced. Thought to have been banished is a little misleading. If they were truly banished then it happened. Suggestion: Adira is horrified to find out that a demon overlord has resurfaced from their age-long banishment...or something like that... When the twenty-year old peasant girl learns the startling information from a dying soldier, she suddenly finds herself the target of the demon’s merciless warriors. Why is she the target? Because she knows the truth or does she have something the demon wants? Maybe you could put in a short line that the demon doesn't want anyone to know about their return. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed, Adira vows revenge, and seeks refuge at a faraway outpost.

 

At the outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. Oooo interesting! When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about Adira’s adoptive father, convinces the Seer that the encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. Adira may be the key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.

 

As Adira struggles with the choice between seeking her own revenge, or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may maybe say it will appeal to sound more confident appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

 

This sounds like a very interesting story! I think you did a great job of laying out what the plot is... without giving away too much information! Other than my suggested added sentence, I think it has enough and isn't too short.



#30 NoraP

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 10:37 AM

Otto and CM_Fick, thanks for the wonderful advice. I've taken your combined efforts and thrown something together that I hope brings me closer to the right direction. I know I should probably sleep on it before putting it here, but what do I have to lose right?  :biggrin: At right around 225 words I'm wondering if I could actually afford to beef it up some as well, or if this is just about the right amount of information needed. Thanks in advance!

 

Dear agent,

 

Adira is horrified to find out that a demon overlord, thought to have been banished ages ago, has resurfaced. This could just be me, but opening with "Adira is horrified" when we have no idea who Adira is was a little jarring. Consider combining it with the next sentence? When the twenty-year old peasant girl learns the startling information from a dying soldier, she suddenly finds herself the target of the demon’s merciless warriors. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed presumably by the demons, but it might help to state that, Adira vows revenge, and seeks refuge at a faraway outpost.

 

At the outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about Adira’s adoptive father, convinces the Seer that the encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. Adira may be the key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.

 

As Adira struggles with the choice between seeking her own revenge, or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

 

All in all, very intriguing story, and a good summary! =)



#31 newb

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 06:10 AM

After another tweak, here is my next try. I'm not 100% sold on the hook yet, but hopefully it's heading in the right direction.

 

Dear agent,

 

After an encounter with a dying soldier, twenty-year old Adira learns a dark conspiracy that changes her life. Bedrog, an evil being thought to have been banished long ago, has suddenly resurfaced, threatening death and destruction for all. Adira, now the only person aware of Bedrog’s existence, finds herself hunted by sinister creatures and ominous forces who want her dead.

 

When this knowledge leads to the murder of her adoptive father, Adira is forced to flee her home, but she vows revenge – even if it means risking her life. She finds shelter at an outpost on the farthest edge of the kingdom of Meerovia where she learns to fight like a soldier, and becomes eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira recounts the startling information she learned.

 

The Seer believes the meeting with the soldier was more than mere chance, and that Adira is the key to stopping this evil from spreading across the land. The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only hope to defeat Bedrog, and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

 

In paragraph 2, Adira is eager to use the skills she's learnt as a soldier against the enemy, but paragraph 3 she can only defeat the Bedrog by getting this ancient entity. I found it a little confusing because it sounded like in paragraph 2 if she encountered the Bedrog she would try to have it out with him then and there, but para 3 seems to suggest she would've died in that case unless she had the entity possessing her. Did she not know this until she met the seer? I think she is meant to be smarter than that, but she doesn't sound that way. Learning a couple of months of fighting skills doesn't seem to be enough and she should know that - unless of course she already had some previous training of some kind (like she comes from a family of ninja ;)). 



#32 nerdypajamas

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 02:30 PM

Hi Paulsvault, thank you for your feedback on my query! I'm here to return the favor =)

 

Otto and CM_Fick, thanks for the wonderful advice. I've taken your combined efforts and thrown something together that I hope brings me closer to the right direction. I know I should probably sleep on it before putting it here, but what do I have to lose right?  :biggrin: At right around 225 words I'm wondering if I could actually afford to beef it up some as well, or if this is just about the right amount of information needed. Thanks in advance!

 

Dear agent,

 

Adira is horrified to find out that a demon overlord, thought to have been banished ages ago, has resurfaced. When the twenty-year old peasant girl learns the startling information from a dying soldier, It's not really necessary to know how she learned the info she suddenly finds herself the target of the demon’s merciless warriors. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed, Adira vows revenge, and seeks refuge at a faraway outpost. I think it would be helpful to know why Adira, in particular, is worried about this demon overlord. Does the demon's return affect her more than others, for any particular reason? 

 

At the outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about Adira’s adoptive father, convinces the Seer that the encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. Adira may be the key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.

 

As Adira struggles with the choice between seeking her own revenge, or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, What's the difference? Wouldn't they both have the same end result—taking on the demon overlord? a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life. I think my main issue with this query is that it's too vague: a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, a conspiracy begins to unravel, the demon overlord's true motives. One mysterious statement would catch my attention, but having so many just makes them all less interesting. Maybe consider adding more info where you can and only consider keeping the most shocking revelation a mystery? I hope that makes sense and that you found my feedback helpful. Good luck to you! 

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.



#33 perpetua

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 09:24 AM

I really like your latest version and your premise. I agree with everything Emhop (above) has suggested, and would just like to add one thing. I'm a bit confused by the last sentence of your summary: "The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only hope to defeat Bedrog, and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life."

 

What is this "ancient entity"? Has she already discovered it, or must she go out and find it?

Why does it have to posses her body in order to work? And why will it cost her her life?

 

It's probably just me, but these are questions I would like answered.

 

I think you're really going in the right direction now. Good luck!



#34 Paulsvault

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Posted 04 May 2017 - 10:36 AM

Latest version.

 

A demon overlord, thought to have been banished ages ago, has resurfaced. Adira, a twenty-year old peasant girl, learns the startling information from a dying soldier. Now the target of the demon’s merciless warriors, and forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed, Adira vows revenge.

 

Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, convinces the Seer that Adira’s encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. She may be the only key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.

 

As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#35 jswen

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Posted 04 May 2017 - 11:10 AM

Cool premise! I love me some demons and ageless Seers :)

 

I agree with what has been said above, the second paragraph is strong. But I think there is too much crammed into the first. And the last is too vague. 

 

For the Hook...

What exactly happens that sets Adira on her quest? What disturbs her world? What information is crucial?? Can you simplify it into one sentence? Then you can expand it.

I like the "When" formula from the AQ Connect "How to Write a QL" article. It's a good starting point!

What about...

Twenty year old Adira survives the massacre of her family... only to be hunted by demons. 

When a demon overlord slaughters her family and... something... twenty year old Adira flees its horde of warriors...

(Also, I think it's too early for her to vow revenge. Right after her family is slaughtered by demons, she'd be reeling and terrified. Thinking, how does one girl fight a horde of demons? - If it's helpful, characters tend to follow an arc of Orphan>Wanderer>Warrior>Martyr)

 

For the last paragraph:

As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light (???) and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

You may want to kill the bit about defending the kingdom and focus in on the demon. Also, I would try to rework the "sacrificing her own life" to make it more of a looming choice? Like "it may cost her life" or something. 

 

Oh, and what is "New Adult Fantasy"? Why not just "adult fantasy"?

 

What do you think? Hope this is helpful. Good luck on the next version!

 

Mind taking a look at my most recent? http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=339233



#36 Paulsvault

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 09:41 PM

I've stepped away from this for a while and focused on some short stories and other writings to let my mind clear. I also made a few tweaks, the MC was originally 20 years old, but I dropped her age to 18 in order to give it a more YA vibe. I've made a few minor changes to the query, but nothing major:

 

Adira, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl, learns from a dying soldier that a long-banished demon overlord has resurfaced. Now she finds herself targeted for death, just for knowing he exists. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed by men who pledged their allegiance to the demon, Adira vows revenge.

 

Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, convinces the Seer that Adira’s encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. She may be the only key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.

 

As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

THE WARRIOR’S CROWN is a YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 94,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#37 Ajax

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 01:37 AM

Adira, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl, learns from a dying soldier that a long-banished demon overlord has resurfaced. Now she finds herself targeted for death, just for knowing he exists. (Is she targeted for the death of the solider or for knowing about the existence of the demon? State it clearly.) Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed by men who pledged their allegiance to the demon, Adira vows revenge. (This makes a better hook than what came before.)

 

Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers (Did she join the military? Is the military under the command of the demon? Has she disguised herself?) and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. (Why would Adria make this precarious revelation to the Seer? How is she able to trust her?) This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, (This is vague and too convoluted.) convinces the Seer that Adira’s encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. (How?) She may be the only key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land. (Again, how? She's the chosen one?)

 

As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, (How are the two choices conflicting with each other? They both have the same end goal, right? To defeat the demon? If yes, how is this a "struggle" for our protagonist?) a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life. (This could be stronger. Perhaps you can raise the stakes by elaborating a bit more on the demon's true motives?)

(Font size remains the same throughout the query.) -------->

 

THE WARRIOR’S CROWN is a YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 94,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

 

I hope this helps.



#38 loopygoose

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 04:40 PM

Dear agent,

 

After an encounter with a dying soldier, twenty-year old Adira learns of a dark conspiracy that changes her life. I really like this hook but I feel a bit disconnected because i can't picture it. Where did she meet this dying soldier? Did he tell her of the conspiracy and is Bedrog the route of the conspiracy? I think if I had a slightly stronger grip on this hook then I would definitely want to read on. Bedrog, an evil being (demon? ghost? orc?) I agree.. be specific... thought to have been banished long ago, has suddenly resurfaced, threatening death and destruction for all. Adira, now the only person aware of Bedrog’s existence, finds herself hunted by sinister creatures and ominous forces who want her dead. 

 

When this knowledge leads to the murder of her adoptive father, Adira is forced to flee her home, but she vows revenge – even if it means risking her life. (I would drop 'even if it means risking her life'.) Funnily enough, I didn't think that. I liked the risking her life bit. She finds shelter at an outpost on the farthest edge of the kingdom of Meerovia where she learns to fight like a soldier, and becomes eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When (I would probably not use 'when' again as you have it in the last line) an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira recounts the startling information she learned. I love this but don't use 'startling' I don't think it's the right word here. 

 

The Seer believes the meeting with the soldier was more than mere chance (if it's a chance encounter, you should clear this up in your hook),Yes, flesh that hook out a little and this is a really great follow on. and that Adira is the key to stopping this evil from spreading across the land. The discovery of an ancient entity filled with unimaginable power becomes Adira’s only hope to defeat Bedrog, and get her revenge, but allowing it to possess her body could cost her life. (Does she have to make a decision? Good point. Make it explicit so we can see the jeopardy for what it is. 

 

WARRIOR FOR THE CROWN is a New Adult Fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

Otherwise it reads very well and is an enticing query!   Really well done.



#39 Sataris

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 08:38 AM

I've stepped away from this for a while and focused on some short stories and other writings to let my mind clear. I also made a few tweaks, the MC was originally 20 years old, but I dropped her age to 18 in order to give it a more YA vibe. I've made a few minor changes to the query, but nothing major:

 

Adira, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl, learns from a dying soldier that a long-banished demon overlord has resurfaced. Now she finds herself targeted for death, just for knowing he exists. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed by men who pledged their allegiance to the demon, Adira vows revenge. sounds good

 

Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, convinces the Seer that Adira’s encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. She may be the only key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land. This paragraph is already pretty clear, but it might be nice to cut it down a small amount.

 

As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, I'd like to see a bit more here;  is she protecting the friends she's come to love? what makes the kingdom worth sacrificing her revenge for all of a sudden? a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

This looks really good. I don't think anyone could read this query and be confused about the plot at all, which is a lot harder to do than it sounds. The only thing I'd really like to have sharpened a bit would be what Adira stands to lose: she's choosing between revenge and friends, so if she gets her revenge, what will happen to everyone else? Why can't she protect her friends and also save herself from the demon? Does the sacrifice subplot play into the stakes here?

 

THE WARRIOR’S CROWN is a YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 94,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


No current query!


#40 Anadalya

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 11:25 AM

Out of the other queries I've read so far it seems yours is most similar to my own's medieval fantasy settings, it makes it feel familiar to me. :) It does seem very difficult to formulate the perfect query, especially with so many good and differing ideas people have. I do like the way you are going with this however.

 

I think it looks awesome and I can't wait to see what else you do! 


If you get a chance take a look at my fantasy query! Goddesses of War

 

 





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