Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Warrior's Crown (YA Fantasy)


  • Please log in to reply
41 replies to this topic

#41 lionspaws

lionspaws

    lionspaws

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 230 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Won 2nd place in the Reading Rainbow contest (all gotta start somewhere, right?)

Posted 17 June 2017 - 06:03 PM

Thank you for your comments on mine! 

 

Adira, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl where?, learns from a dying soldier that a long-banished demon overlord has resurfaced. Now she finds herself targeted for death, just for knowing he exists. Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed by men who pledged their allegiance to the demon, Adira vows revenge. If the point of her father's death isn't crucial for the query, I'd cut it. It's a pretty long sentence.

 

Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy. When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, convinces the Seer that Adira’s encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. She may be the only key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land. So if others didn't know about the demon, who were they training to fight against? 

 

As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom, a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone. The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

I honestly don't have much else to critique. I can tell you've honed this a lot, it reads easily and is clear and easy to understand. Good work! 

 

THE WARRIOR’S CROWN is a YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 94,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#42 enveniya

enveniya

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 15 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 18 June 2017 - 01:59 AM

I've stepped away from this for a while and focused on some short stories and other writings to let my mind clear. I also made a few tweaks, the MC was originally 20 years old, but I dropped her age to 18 in order to give it a more YA vibe. I've made a few minor changes to the query, but nothing major:
 
Adira, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl, learns from a dying soldier that a long-banished demon overlord has resurfaced. Now she finds herself targeted for death, just for knowing he exists (How is she targeted for death, and by whom? Is there some sort of magic bulls-eye trained on her every moment?). Forced to flee her home after her adoptive father is killed by men who pledged their allegiance to the demon, Adira vows revenge. Good hook.
 
Seeking refuge at a faraway outpost, Adira learns to fight alongside well-trained soldiers and grows eager to use her new skills against the enemy (Against what enemy? The demon is implied to be a secret, so who are these soldiers fighting against?). When an ageless and powerful Seer arrives, Adira finally decides to reveal her knowledge of the demon’s existence. This knowledge, coupled with a shocking revelation about her adoptive father, (I do not think adding the hook about the revelation is necessary. This sentence wants to convey the fact that Adira is special, and is the only one would can stop the demon. It's already implied that Adira is special enough given that the demon is giving her personal attention by wanting to kill her, so adding the adoptive father twist isn't necessary to add onto that specialness.) convinces the Seer that Adira’s encounter with the dying soldier was more than mere chance. She may be the only key to stopping the demon from spreading his evil across the land.
 
As Adira struggles between seeking her own revenge or fighting alongside new friends to defend the kingdom (this doesn't seem like a struggle. The soldiers are fighting against what I assume is the demon and his armies, and so is she), a conspiracy begins to unravel that could lead to death for everyone (if this conspiracy is the cause of her struggle between revenge and allying with her friends, then rephrase the sentence to begin with the conspiracy - "As Adira uncovers a conspiracy that could lead to the death for everyone, she struggles between... etc.."). The demon overlord’s true motives come to light and Adira finds out that the only chance for success may be by sacrificing her own life.

 

Between the father's "shocking revelation", the "conspiracy beginning to unravel" and the demon overlord's "true motives", these in combination make the story too vague. The beginning of the query was wonderfully specific and unique, but these three vague sentences turned the query into something that could belong to any fantasy YA novel. I would pick one of these three that you deem the biggest twist in your story and keep that one vague. The demon's true motives is the weakest hook of the three. It's established that he's a bad guy, and Adira is already targeted for death, so her risking her life isn't that surprising.

THE WARRIOR’S CROWN is a YA Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 94,000 words. It may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users