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The Timeless Miracle (Will critique those who critique mine) :)


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#1 Zach67

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 01:07 AM

See comment #7 for updated version  :smile:

 

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God was unwilling to accept his fate.

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. The Nazis force him and other prisoners to enter a gas chamber, where he knows he'll be killed. He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die. 
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops. A letter from God appears out of thin air: “Joseph, this miracle I am giving you reverses time for one year. I will help you and your family avoid the tragic life you were to encounter”.  
 
It is now January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. 

 

Through all of this, Joseph still seeks to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were gassed to death.

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Sincerely,
 
INSERT MY NAME


My timeless miracle query: http://agentquerycon...ne/#entry337370

 

My timeless miracle synopsis: http://agentquerycon...meless +miracle

 

 


#2 SnowFox23

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 04:14 AM

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God was unwilling to accept his fate.

 

I always appreciate it when I actually understand the hook, and it is written concisely. So well done on that.

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. The Nazis force him and other prisoners  his family to enter a gas chamber, where he knows he'll be killed. Kind of redundant, right? What else happens in gas chambers but death? Also, that line has no impact. Maybe tighten it up a bit.

He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die.

Eh, this all needs tightening up. Are you purposely avoiding mentioning Anne? I wouldn't.

 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops.

 

A letter from God appears out of thin air I hate clichés so much, and they are a huge no-no in queries (it shows the agent that you lack originality) : “Joseph, this miracle I am giving you reverses time for one year. I will help you and your family avoid the tragic life you were to encounter”.  
 
It is now instantly, I'm guessing? January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. How does he know that, though, if it hasn't happened yet?

 

He has two options:  (the first time I read that sentence it reminded me of those choose your own adventure books I read when I was 10. I would delete that line because it lacks urgency.)

 stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. 

 

Through all of this, Joseph still seeks to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were gassed to death murdered. (I might be an asshole, but gassed to death can sound a little, uh, I dunno, just not as compelling. Others may disagree.)

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Interesting hook for a book. I think it needs tightening up in areas to really sell the whole thing. Also, I would add Anne in that first paragraph because it gives everything more urgency.

Just my ideas, anyway.

Good luck.
 



#3 newb

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 05:04 AM

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God was unwilling to accept his fate. (not sure if this is really needed. Maybe just start with the next part or combine the two).

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz at Auschwitz concentration camp, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. The Nazis force him and other prisoners to is forced into a gas chamber with other prisoners. enter a gas chamber, where he knows he'll be killed. He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die. 
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops. A letter from God appears out of thin air: “Joseph, this miracle I am giving you reverses time for one year. I will help you and your family avoid the tragic life you were to encounter”.  
 
It is now January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. 

 

Through all of this, Joseph still seeks to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were gassed to death. (agree with the previous poster that you can use murdered to make it stronger)

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel genre, taking place in three different eras.

 

I would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. this is a given. Thank you for your time and consideration. and I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Sincerely,
 
INSERT MY NAME



#4 perpetual

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 08:14 AM

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God is (always in present tense) unwilling to accept his fate.

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living at the Auschwitz concentration camp, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and this doesn't feel necessary father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. The Nazis force him and other prisoners to enter a gas chamber, where he knows he'll be killed. Is this historically accurate? I was under the impression that they were disguised as showers which made it all that more horrific? He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, this gives the impression that he's in the chamber with his family. I was again under the impression that men and women were kept separate? or at the very least, they'd be often sent to different camps. are doomed to die. 
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops, seemingly for everyone but Joseph. A letter from God appears out of thin air: “Joseph, this miracle I am giving you reverses time for one year. I will help you and your family avoid the tragic life you were to encounter”.  My initial thought is: "Why Joseph?" Does your character have a similar thought? Showing his initial reaction can help us get a sense of his character.
 
It is now January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. Maybe a line here to show that Joseph remembers his encounter with God/the future-past. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to would inserting a specific name of a place work? a safe haven. 

 

Through all of this, Joseph still seeks to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were killed/murderedThis is good. I think if you had an initial reaction in the second paragraph, it would tie everything together. And maybe if you could hint as to wether he has survivor's guilt or not, that would be awesome too.

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Sincerely,
 
INSERT MY NAME

 

This is actually REALLY good. Awesome job. I think you're almost there :)

 

And yes, if you get a chance, I'd love your thoughts on my query. ;)


Query: Click here.

 


#5 Bananas

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 01:07 PM

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God was unwilling to accept his fate.  You've mixed present and past tenses here.

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. Hmmm.  I'm pretty sure the selection was done upon arrival.  How does he fail it if he's already arrived at Auschwitz?  The Nazis force him and other prisoners to enter a gas chamber, where he knows he'll be killed. He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die. 
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops. A letter from God appears out of thin air: “Joseph, this miracle I am giving you reverses time for one year. I will help you and your family avoid the tragic life you were to encounter”.  This quote gimmick falls flat.  
 
It is now January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, how does staying in their attic preclude their capture? It seems to me that this is what he did the first time round.  Also, there's some confusion here.  Are they located in the Ghetto?  Because if that's the case, then staying put isn't going to be the answer.  The famous uprising is going to happen in a few short months.   or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. seems like the only choice to me.

 

Through all of this, Joseph still seeks to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were gassed to death.

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.  I don't think is particularly relevant for a query.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review.   This is implied.  Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Sincerely,
 
INSERT MY NAME



#6 danipie

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 06:14 PM

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God was unwilling to accept his fate. as im sure you noticed others mention, present tense!

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. The Nazis force him and other prisoners to enter a gas chamber, where he knows he'll be killed. He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die. 
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops. A letter from God appears out of thin air: “Joseph, this miracle I am giving you reverses time for one year. I will help you and your family avoid the tragic life you were to encounter”.  I personally think summing up the letter instead of quoting would be better. I'm not really sure what the rules about quoting in queries are, but I think it's generally something better avoided.
 
It is now January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. 

 

Through all of this, Joseph still seeks to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were gassed to death.

 

In general I think this is very clear and good, just a few tweaks!

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Sincerely,
 
INSERT MY NAME

 

my query is here: http://agentquerycon...on-in-50/page-3



#7 Zach67

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 11:15 PM

Revised version: thanks for all the feedback.  :smile:

 

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God is unwilling to accept his fate.

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. The Nazis force him and other prisoners to enter a gas chamber. He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die if not dead already. 
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops. A letter from God appears out of thin air, in which God promises to send Joseph and his family one year back in time in an effort to save his family from their fates.

 

After finishing the letter, Joseph watches time turn backwards until it is January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw. In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. 

 

Yet, through all of this, Joseph is determined to find out why he was chosen to live when all his inmates were murdered.

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.


My timeless miracle query: http://agentquerycon...ne/#entry337370

 

My timeless miracle synopsis: http://agentquerycon...meless +miracle

 

 


#8 Bananas

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 11:44 PM

There are still some major holes in this.  

 

Also, I question whether you've done the necessary homework.  You have him travelling back to January 1943, a few months before the Warsaw Ghetto uprising takes place.  Coming from 1944, he'll definitely know about this event and thus wouldn't consider hiding in Warsaw to be an option when he returns there in 1943.  If you're suggesting that the attic is outside of the ghetto, then you need to make that clear.

 

But putting that aside, you have me wondering how long he's been in Auschwitz.  If he and his family were captured before the uprising (the only plausible way he might not know about it), then that means he's been in the camp for a minimum of nine months.  The overwhelming majority of prisoners didn't survive that long.  In fact, the average lifespan of a concentration camp prisoner was four months.

Revised version: thanks for all the feedback.  :smile:

 

Joseph accepts his impending death at Auschwitz concentration camp, but God is unwilling to accept his fate.  I think most religious types would argue that God is that master of our fates.  So why would he not accept the very thing he controls?  This makes no sense.

 
On January 28, 1944, after months of living in Auschwitz, Joseph Frank, a former Jewish elementary school principal and father of two, fails the selection and marches to his death. This still doesn't make sense.  The Nazis force him and other prisoners to enter a gas chamber. He accepts that he, along with the rest of his family, are doomed to die if not dead already. "die if not dead already"?  This makes no sense.
 
Before the door to the gas chamber fully closes, time stops. A letter from God appears out of thin air cliche, in which God promises to send Joseph and his family one year back in time in an effort to save his family from their fates.  With no conditions or a heavenly mission?  Right...

 

After finishing the letter, Joseph watches unnecessary.  time turn backwards until it is January 28, 1943. Joseph and his family are hiding in an attic in Warsaw.Ghetto or not?  You haven't addressed that.   In a few months, the Nazi will find the attic and arrest him and his family. He has two options: stay in attic and try to prevent their capture from the Nazis, how?  This is a crucial detail.  or leave the attic and head out on a dangerous journey to a safe haven. And where would that be?  He's deep in Nazi occupied Poland.

 

Through all of this, Joseph is determined to find out why he was chosen to live when all his fellow inmates were murdered.  

 

Inspired by The Diary of Anne Frank, Agents don't care about the sources of inspiration.  They care about comparable novels.  THE TIMELESS MIRACLE is a 75,000 word 3-part novel, with each part taking place in different eras.

 

I would glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review.Still don't need this.  Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.






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