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#1 callalilly

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Posted 10 April 2017 - 03:28 PM

Hi. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

 

Cells, DNA, phosphate; the building blocks of life. Here life begins…and here life returns.

 

When seventeen-year-old Paisley is cloned after dying in an accident, no one knows what to expect of her return, least of all her clone. While her clone shares Paisley’s exact DNA, she’s quick to discover she’s nothing like the “original Paisley”, she’s even woke with a different name for herself: Payton. Fearing what will happen to her if the truth got out, Payton decides to secretly dig into Paisley’s past in hope of discovering the reason why she woke up instead of Paisley. What Payton discovers though reveals a darker truth than she was prepared for; Paisley’s accident was never an accident.

 

Suddenly everyone’s a suspect in Payton’s eyes, everyone has secrets and Paisley’s the darkest of them all. As more of Paisley’s past is revealed to Payton, her fears begin to grow knowing that Paisley’s killer isn’t happy that “Paisley” didn’t stay dead. Struggling to fit into a life that was never hers and constantly looking over her shoulder, Payton must quietly uncover the truth about Paisley’s death or risk having a “accident” similar to Paisley.

 

Winter Again is a YA.....

 

P.S. I know the title seems to be completely nonsensical, but in the context of the story it makes sense, so for now I’m not worrying about it.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#2 AliRey80

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Posted 10 April 2017 - 07:30 PM

Cells, DNA, phosphate; the building blocks of life. Here life begins…and here life returns. ​AFTER reading the synopsis, I understand why you wrote this in the beginning. I find it lacking as a hook, however. It doesn't grab me. Perhaps others will feel differently. 

 

When seventeen-year-old Paisley is cloned after dying in an accident, no one knows what to expect of her return, least of all her clone. While her clone shares Paisley’s exact DNA, she’s quick to discover she’s nothing like the “original Paisley”need a semi colon or a new sentence she’s change to she even woke with a different name for herself: Payton. Fearing what will happen to her if the truth got gets out, Payton decides to secretly dig into Paisley’s past in hope of discovering the reason why she woke up instead of Paisley. was Paisley supposed to wake up after dying? What Payton discovers though need comma reveals a darker truth than she was prepared for; Paisley’s accident was never an accident.

 

Suddenly everyone’s a suspect in Payton’s eyes, semicolon everyone has secrets and Paisley’s the darkest of them all. As more of Paisley’s past is revealed to Payton, her fears begin to grow knowing that Paisley’s killer isn’t happy that “Paisley” didn’t stay dead. Struggling to fit into a life that was never hers and constantly looking over her shoulder, Payton must quietly uncover the truth about Paisley’s death or risk having a an “accident” similar to Paisley.

 

Winter Again is a YA.....

 

​This is an interesting topic- love. Good luck. 



#3 Testome

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Posted 10 April 2017 - 07:44 PM



Hi. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

 

Cells, DNA, phosphate; the building blocks of life. Here life begins…and here life returns. This is too vagie for a hook.It tells us absolutely nothing.

 

When seventeen-year-old Paisley is cloned after dying in an accident, no one knows what to expect of her return, least of all her clone. While her clone shares Paisley’s exact DNA, she’s quick to discover she’s nothing like the “original Paisley” This is vague since we don't know anything about the original., she’s even woke with a different name for herself: Payton. Fearing what will happen to her if the truth got out why?, Payton decides to secretly dig into Paisley’s past in hope of discovering the reason why she woke up instead of Paisley. What Payton discovers though reveals a darker truth than she was prepared for; Paisley’s accident was never an accident. We should get here sooner.

 

Suddenly everyone’s a suspect in Payton’s eyes, everyone has secrets and Paisley’s the darkest of them all. As more of Paisley’s past is revealed to Payton, her fears begin to grow knowing that Paisley’s killer isn’t happy that “Paisley” didn’t stay dead. Struggling how? to fit into a life that was never hers and constantly looking over her shoulder, Payton must quietly uncover the truth about Paisley’s death or risk having a “accident” similar to Paisley.

 

Winter Again is a YA.....

 

P.S. I know the title seems to be completely nonsensical, but in the context of the story it makes sense, so for now I’m not worrying about it.

I think you're telling far too much here and thus most of it comes off as vague and not believable. For example, you say she's struggling, but we have no evidence of it and you claim she's nothing like Paisley, but we don't know anything about the original.  Sounds look a good story, but we just the bare bones of info here. FYI: the yellow color is hard to read.



#4 Anand Singh

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Posted 10 April 2017 - 07:49 PM

Hi. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

 

Cells, DNA, phosphate; the building blocks of life. Here life begins…and here life returns. This hook isn't intriguing. 

 

When seventeen-year-old Paisley is cloned after dying in an accident, no one knows what to expect of her return, least of all her clone. While her clone shares Paisley’s exact DNA, she’s quick to discover she’s nothing like the “original Paisley”, she’s even woke with a different name for herself: Payton.  Fearing what will happen to her if the truth got out, What "truth"? Payton decides to secretly dig into Paisley’s past in hope of discovering the reason why she woke up instead of Paisley. Was Paisley supposed to wake up?What Payton discovers though reveals a darker truth than she was prepared for; Paisley’s accident was never an accident.

 

Suddenly everyone’s a suspect in Payton’s eyes, everyone has secrets and Paisley’s the darkest of them all. As more of Paisley’s past is revealed to Payton, her fears begin to grow knowing that Paisley’s killer isn’t happy that “Paisley” didn’t stay dead. How does she know who Paisley's killer is? Can't she just go up to that killer and tell that she isn't Paisley ? Struggling to fit into a life that was never hers and constantly looking over her shoulder, Payton must quietly uncover the truth about Paisley’s death or risk having a “accident” similar to Paisley. Why does she need to find out about Paisley's death?

 

Winter Again is a YA.....

 

P.S. I know the title seems to be completely nonsensical, but in the context of the story it makes sense, so for now I’m not worrying about it.

 I really like the concept of this story but I personally think that this query needs more work. 

 

Hope this helps. 



#5 taylor lexi

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 11:04 AM

 I really like the concept of this story but I personally think that this query needs more work. 

 

Hope this helps. 

I agree, but generally in my opinion, the concept is really really good!



#6 RosieSkye

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 08:45 PM

Hi. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

 

UPDATE: Well that was short-lived, off to edit.

 

Cells, DNA, phosphate; the building blocks of life. Here life begins…and here life returns. (This doesn't grip me - it reads like a science textbook.)

 

When seventeen-year-old Paisley is cloned after dying in an accident, no one knows what to expect of her return, least of all her clone. While her clone shares Paisley’s exact DNA, she’s quick to discover she’s nothing like the “original Paisley” (semicolon), she’s even woke with she even has a different name for herself: Payton. Fearing what will happen to her if the truth got out, (What does she have to fear? Was she cloned without her parents' knowledge or something?) Payton decides to secretly dig into Paisley’s past in hope of discovering the reason why she woke up instead of Paisley. What Payton discovers though reveals a darker truth than she was prepared for; Paisley’s accident was never an accident.

 

Suddenly everyone’s a suspect in Payton’s eyes, (new sentence here) everyone has secrets and Paisley’s are the darkest of them all. As Payton learns more about (avoid passive voice) more of Paisley’s past is revealed to Payton, her fears begin to grow knowing that Paisley’s killer isn’t happy that “Paisley” didn’t stay dead. Struggling to fit into a life that was never hers and constantly looking over her shoulder, Payton must quietly uncover the truth about Paisley’s death or risk having a “accident” similar to Paisley.

 

Winter Again is a YA.....

 

P.S. I know the title seems to be completely nonsensical, but in the context of the story it makes sense, so for now I’m not worrying about it.

 

 

The concept of this is intriguing!  One thing I'll suggest is that it's often not advisable to have characters with names that are too similar.  You not only have similar names, but the two characters are essentially the same person.  This can make it confusing to keep track of who's who, and it begins sounding repetitive to the mind's ear.

 

Just a thought.



#7 callalilly

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Posted 26 May 2017 - 08:33 PM

I don’t know that this is any better, but I hope it is -I was getting so frustrated here that I’ve been ready to just destroy the book...Although now that I look at it, maybe I took out too much?

 

23 pairs of cloned chromosomes brings Payton back to life, making everything as it use to be. With the same hair, eyes and voice; she’s a perfect match for the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if Payton remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be.

 

From the moment 17-year-old Payton awakes, she does everything she can to convince the people around her that she’s the girl they lost. She does her best to dress and act like the girl before her, but she is quick to find that living a lie is far from easy. Everyone seems to watch and wait for her to slip up, proving once and for all that the cloning was a failure. And once that happens, Payton knows she’ll be taken back to the lab, possibly even destroyed after being labeled a “failed experiment”. Fighting against her nature to be herself and desperate to keep the life she’s been given, Payton must find a way to be content as someone different or else face an unknown future that could be the end of her.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#8 inkandcocoa

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Posted 27 May 2017 - 08:15 AM

I don’t know that this is any better, but I hope it is -I was getting so frustrated here that I’ve been ready to just destroy the book...Although now that I look at it, maybe I took out too much?

 

23 pairs of cloned chromosomes brings Payton back to life, making everything as it use to be. With the same hair, eyes and voice; she’s a perfect match for the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if Payton remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be.

 

From the moment 17-year-old Payton awakes, she does everything she can to convince the people around her that she’s Paisley, the girl they lost to a car crash. She does her best to dress and act like the girl before her, but she is quick to find that living a lie is far from easy. Everyone seems to watch and wait for her to slip up, proving once and for all that Paisley's cloning was is a failure. And once if that happens, Payton knows she’ll be taken back to the lab, and possibly even ["possibly even" makes her sound uncertain of the consequences of slipping. I think she needs to be certain that she'd be destroyed for a mess-up, even if it's not really what would happen to her, she needs to have convinced herself to make the stakes high enough for her to desperately want to convince them all otherwise.] destroyed after being labeled a “failed experiment.”. 

 

Fearing what will happen to her if the truth got out, Payton decides to secretly digs into Paisley’s past in hope of discovering the reason why she woke up instead of Paisley. What Payton discovers uncovers ["discovers" is in the last line and I didn't want it to get repetative] though reveals a darker truth than she was prepared for; Paisley’s accident was never an accident. Payton's fears begin to grow after learning that Paisley’s killer isn’t happy that “Paisley” didn’t stay dead. [How does she learn who Paisley's killer is?] Fighting against her nature desire to be herself and desperate to keep the life she’s been given, Payton must find a way to be content as someone different else or else face an unknown a past that's not her own and future that could be the end of her.

 

Hi Callalilly

 

I like this version for what it reveals about Payton's character and her inner struggle, but I also like the elements of Paisley's life that we get from your previous draft. I feel like combining the two versions may be in your best interest because this version of your letter loses all the intrigue about the murder of Paisley that was in your first draft--which I feel is a really strong hook element.

 

I tried to do a little meshing to show you how this could work (old query snippets in green). But obviously play around with it yourself. My one question is, though, how does Payton uncover who Paisley's killer is? Does she start getting threats, have a stalker? Does someone in Paisley's former friend group warn her about so-and-so? That'd be my one critique for your original letter--just how does she find out who's not happy she's not dead.

 

Let me know if you have any questions! I hope this helps.

- Hannah


If you've got the time, check out my query for a Sci-Fi Western, BEAST.

I'm also looking for a couple beta readers for conceptual edits on the project (DM me if interested).


#9 callalilly

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Posted 05 June 2017 - 02:09 PM

As always -thanks! As inkandcocoa suggested my two versions have been combined, and as Rosieskye suggested, I have changed one of the character names for the query and will look into changing it in the book. I realize this is a bit longer query -however after looking at successful queries, I don't believe I'm too far over the count.

 

23 pairs of cloned chromosomes brings Payton back to life. With the same hair, eyes and voice; she’s a perfect match for the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if Payton remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be.

 

From the moment 17-year-old Payton awakes, she tries to convince everyone that A) her name is Bridget and B) that she is the girl they lost to a car crash. Living a lie is far from easy however when everyone around her seems to watch and wait for her to slip up -finally proving that Bridget’s cloning failed. And Payton knows where she’ll be destined if that happens; back to the lab where she was cloned to certainly be destroyed as a “failed experiment”.

 

Terrified of returning to the lab, Payton begins digging into Bridget’s past, searching for the reason she woke up instead of Bridget. What Payton uncovers though reveals a darker truth; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Between mounting inconsistencies of where Bridget was the night she died and a reoccurring nightmare of Payton’s –which she begins to suspect is actually a memory- Payton’s fears begin to grow. She is sure that the shadowed figure in her dream will not be so happy to hear that “Bridget” didn’t stay dead. Fighting against her desire to be herself and desperate to keep the life she’s been given, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#10 alicewitten30

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Posted 05 June 2017 - 04:07 PM

Hi author! See below. Hope this helps! 

 

23 pairs of cloned chromosomes brings Payton back to life. With the same hair, eyes and voice; she’s a perfect match for the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if Payton remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be. The first two sentences aren't doing anything for me. The first one makes it sound like Payton died when she's actually a clone. I think you need a comma instead of a semi-colon in the second, and that sentence changes tenses and sounds awkward when I read it aloud. I'm not a fan of log lines but I seem to be in the minority on these forums so do with that what you will, but I think you can start with your second paragraph. 

 

From the moment 17-year-old Payton awakes, she tries to convince everyone that A) her name is Bridget and B) that she is the girl they lost to a car crash. Living a lie is far from easy however when everyone around her seems to watch and wait for her to slip up -finally proving that Bridget’s cloning failed. And Payton knows where she’ll be destined if that happens; back to the lab where she was cloned to certainly be destroyed as a “failed experiment”. These stakes are really interesting - a clone trying to convince others and herself she's truly the girl she was cloned from, even though she knows she's not. Cool! 

 

Terrified of returning to the lab, Payton begins digging into Bridget’s past, searching for the reason she woke up instead of Bridget. This isn't consistent with what we just learned - if Payton is trying to convince everyone she is really Bridget, shouldn't she be trying to learn everything she can about Bridget instead of searching for the reason she woke up instead of Bridget? We know why Payton woke up - Bridget is dead, and Payton is her clone. What Payton uncovers though reveals a darker truth; Bridget’s accident wasn't never an accident. Between mounting inconsistencies of where Bridget was the night she died and a reoccurring nightmare of Payton’s –which she begins to suspect is actually a memory- Payton’s fears begin to grow. She is sure that the shadowed figure in her dream will not be so happy to hear that “Bridget” didn’t stay dead. These last few sentences are too vague to make me feel invested. How was Bridget murdered? Who does Payton think had a motive? Fighting against her desire to be herself and desperate to keep the life she’s been given, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.

 

I think you need more info about Payton's emotional arc and more specifics about what's going on so that the story progresses logically. I'm sure this is in the book but it's not coming across in the query which is muddling the story for me (how does she end up being called Payton if she's supposed to be Bridget? Does she just wake up and think that's her name?) Maybe something like:

 

17-year-old Payton wakes up in a lab with no memory of her life -- and the man and woman calling themselves her parents say her name is Bridget. It turns out the real Bridget died in a car crash, and her parents paid XYZ labs to clone their daughter.

 

Payton tries to adjust to her life as Bridget, but she finds herself drawn to playing soccer and eating hamburgers when the real Bridget was a ballet dancer and strict vegetarian. Her overly-religious neighbors use these differences to label Payton an "abomination," and half the town seems to agree with them. Then, Payton overhears her parents talking to XYZ labs -- if they're not convinced she's truly Bridget, she'll be labeled as a "failed experiment" -- and destroyed. 

 

Determined to keep the life she's been gifted, but struggling because she doesn't have any of Bridget's memories, Payton goes to work learning everything she can about Bridget to convince her parents she's truly their daughter. But when she discovers text messages from someone named Adam in Bridget's phone, warning her to stop blackmailing the town mayor about the toxic sludge being dumped into Battle Creek on the very night Bridget died, Payton suspects Bridget's death wasn't an accident. And when pieces of Bridget's memories start filtering into Payton's dreams, Payton knows it wasn't an accident.

 

But lacking any physical proof, Payton will have to take down the killer herself, before he strikes again.  

 

That isn't good but it gives you an idea of some things I think you could include so the query doesn't raise so many questions, and adding specificity will help your story stand out in the slush. Good luck! 



#11 callalilly

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 08:25 PM

Thank you.

 

 

17-year-old Payton is an almost perfect replica of the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if she remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be.

 

From the moment Payton awakes, she tries to convince everyone that A) her name is Bridget and B) that she is the girl they lost to a car crash. If the truth ever got out that she was not really Bridget, she’s sure she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

Hoping to discover why she woke up as someone different than Bridget, Payton begins to retrace Bridget’s last days. What she discovers is a darker truth than she was expecting; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Inconsistencies of where Bridget was the night she died forces Payton to begin compiling suspects. Between a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, and an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up, Bridget’s killer could be closer than Payton expected. None seem capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that none seem all that happy to see “Bridget” alive again. Fearing the killer could return to ensure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#12 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 08:38 PM

Wow. WOW.

 

Read the earlier versions a bit, but this is a HUGE improvement. Well done! :)

 

JJW


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#13 jaustail

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 03:42 AM

JMO:

 

 

17-year-old Payton is an almost perfect replica of the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if she remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be.(the first part is good opening)

 

From the moment Payton awakes, she tries to convince everyone that A) her name is Bridget and B) that she is the girl they lost to a car crash. If the truth ever got out that she was not really Bridget, she’s sure she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

Hoping to discover why she woke up as someone different than Bridget(i didn't understand this. she is a clone. what did she expect to wake up as? she would've zero expectations), Payton begins to retrace Bridget’s last days. What she discovers is a darker truth than she was expecting; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Inconsistencies of where Bridget was the night she died forces Payton to begin compiling suspects. Between a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, and an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up, Bridget’s killer could be closer than Payton expected. None seem capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that none seem all that happy to see “Bridget” alive again. Fearing the killer could return to ensure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.

 

 

Maybe add more of Patyon's clone. Like how does she start developing feel. Trace her journey from waking up as clone to wanting to convince others that she is Payton. The third paragraph is more than twice the first paragraph and second paragraph. Maybe reword so all the paras appear to be nearly of equal length.

 

JMO  of course.

 

Good luck!!


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#14 booksbybrendan

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 10:09 PM

17-year-old Payton is an almost perfect replica of the dead girl she was cloned from…or at least she would have been if she remembered anything about the girl she now pretends to be. (this is an AWESOME hook, but if I were you, I'd split it up. Make it punchier. Consider: "17-year-old Payton is an almost perfect clone of the dead girl. Now if she could just remember anything about her, she could act like it too." Or something :p)

 

 

From the moment Payton awakes, she tries to convince everyone that A) her name is Bridget and B) that she is (I'd use the contraction she's here, it helps the flow) the girl they lost to a car crash. If the truth ever got out that she was not (wasn't) really Bridget, she’s sure she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed. (these are some heavy stakes. This is an awesome second paragraph!)

 

Hoping to discover why she woke up as someone different than Bridget, Payton begins to retrace Bridget’s last days. What she discovers is a darker truth than she was expecting; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Inconsistencies of (say about here instead of of)where Bridget was the night she died forces (force; make sure you read the query out loud to catch little annoyances like this!) Payton to begin compiling suspects. Between a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, and an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up, Bridget’s killer could be closer than Payton expected. None seem capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that none seem all that happy to see “Bridget” alive again. Fearing the killer could return to ensure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her. (BOOM, awesome last sentence!)

 

Hope you get some use out of my advice! Good luck and godspeed!


The query I'm working on: http://agentquerycon...-ten-critiques/


#15 callalilly

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 04:18 PM

I moved a few things, changed a little. Hoping it reads better. Still struggling with hook. Thank you.

 

 

To the world, 17-year-old Payton is the exact replica of the dead girl she was cloned from…and if Payton is lucky, the world will continue to believe that.

 

When Payton awakes, she works to convince everyone that A) that her name is Bridget and B) that she the girl they lost to a car crash. If the truth ever got out that Payton was not actually Bridget, she’s sure she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

Hoping to discover why Payton woke as someone other than Bridget, she begins retracing Bridget’s last days, only to discover a dark truth; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone from Bridget’s past is a suspect; a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again. Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#16 Iconian

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 08:25 PM

I moved a few things, changed a little. Hoping it reads better. Still struggling with hook. Thank you.

 

 

To the world, 17-year-old Payton is the exact replica of the dead girl she was cloned from…and if Payton is lucky, the world will continue to believe that.

 

When Payton awakes [you mean, when she "first gains consciousness"?] she works to convince everyone that A) that her name is Bridget and B) that she [is] the girl they lost to a car crash. If the truth ever got out that Payton was not actually Bridget, she’s sure she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

Hoping to discover why [she] woke as someone other than Bridget, she begins retracing Bridget’s last days, only to discover a dark truth; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone from Bridget’s past is a suspect: [colon here] a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, [make sure you leave this bit in future versions, because I was just thinking none of them sound like murderers] but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again. Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.

 

 

Nice!  An important grammatical note: in the second paragraph, you're misusing "that."  You have this:

 

 

convince everyone that A) that her name is Bridget and B) that she the girl they lost to a car crash.

 

It should either be this:

 

convince everyone that A) her name is Bridget and B) she the girl they lost to a car crash.

 

Or this:

 

convince everyone A) that her name is Bridget and B) that she the girl they lost to a car crash.

 

 

I'd go with the first one, personally.  And, of course, you're missing an "is."

 

 

A couple other points: when Payton first awakens, what's her motivation for pretending to be Bridget?  Presumably everyone is already calling her Bridget, but why doesn't she come out and tell them that she's Payton?

 

And, at the end of the final paragraph, is Payton considering leaving Bridget's life entirely behind and living a new life?  If that's part of what you were trying to say, then I'd make it clearer.

 

And presumably we're going to find out what Payton's memories are from before she woke up as Bridget . . .

 

I'd just take these points into account, maybe rework a few bits of your query.  Other than that--please visit my own query as well and leave a critique--link below.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#17 lyncfs

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 08:35 PM

I moved a few things, changed a little. Hoping it reads better. Still struggling with hook. Thank you.

 

 

To the world, 17-year-old Payton is the exact replica of the dead girl she was cloned from…and if Payton is lucky ​(Pick a stronger word here...or maybe reference the lab where she'll be destroyed if they don't?), the world will continue to believe that.

 

When Payton awakes, she works to convince everyone that A) that her name is Bridget and B) that she the girl they lost to a car crash. ​(I don't really like the A/B method. What does Payton want obviously not to be destroyed but does she have other desires?)If the truth ever got out that Payton was not actually Bridget, she’s sure she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

Hoping to discover why Payton woke as someone other than Bridget, she begins retracing Bridget’s last days, only to discover a dark truth; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. ​(I got a little confused here. You may want to say it more simply. Payton was supposed to awake as Bridget instead she awoke as someone else.)Suddenly everyone from Bridget’s past is a suspect; a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again. Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must find a way to be content as someone else, or face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her. ​(I'm still confused. So did she wake up as Bridget or not? And if she is another person, will the murderer kill her to keep his identity a secret? )

I really think you need to simplify your plot. Try to break it down into a few simple sentences. The beginning is pretty clear what Payton is but what is at stake for her? What choice does she have to make as Iconian said. 

 

Also include your title, word count, bio and any comparable books. This actually sounds like a book I read called Replica which also has clones and murder. May be a good comp.

 

Good luck!


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#18 callalilly

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Posted 15 August 2017 - 06:09 PM

Let's try this with a new hook.

 

Payton’s life is a lie, and that’s the way she prefers it.

 

When 17-year-old Payton awakes after being cloned from a dead girl, she is forced to pretend not only that her name is Bridget, but also that she is the girl her family lost to a car crash. Keeping up the lie keeps her safe; if people found out she wasn’t Bridget, she’s certain she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

In order to convince everyone she’s Bridget though, Payton begins researching Bridget’s past. All she finds however is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone from Bridget’s past is a suspect; a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again.

 

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living her life as Bridget. But while choosing to be herself could land her back at the lab, being Bridget will force her to face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#19 Ireth

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Posted 15 August 2017 - 06:43 PM

Let's try this with a new hook.

 

Payton’s life is a lie, and that’s the way she prefers it. (I think you don't need this hook at all. The premise below is plenty solid by itself.)

 

When seventeen-year-old Payton awakes after being cloned from a dead girl, she is forced to pretend not only that her name is Bridget, but also that she is the girl her (Bridget's?) family lost to a car crash. Keeping up the lie keeps her safe; if people found out she wasn’t Bridget, she’s certain she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

In order to convince everyone she’s Bridget though, Payton begins researching Bridget’s past. All she finds however is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone from Bridget’s past is a suspect; a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again.

 

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living her life as Bridget a stranger. (You use Bridget's name a lot; maybe try to keep it down just a bit?) But while choosing to be herself could land her back at the lab, being Bridget will force her to face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her.

 

I have only a few small suggestions. This query is fantastic. :D


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#20 roxannepark

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 01:14 AM

 

 

Payton’s life is a lie, and that’s the way she prefers it. Like Ireth, I think you're good axing this line and starting with the 2nd paragraph.

When 17-year-old Payton awakes after being cloned from a dead girl, she awakes with her own identity. However, she is forced to pretend not only that her name she is Bridget, but also that she is the girl her family lost to a car crash. Keeping up the lie keeps her safe; if people found out she wasn’t Bridget If people find out she's not, she’s certain she’ll be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed. This is a strong hook, but I was a little confused with why Payton doesn't already think she's Bridget if she's a clone until I went back and read your earlier versions. I think you need a quick mention that "Payton" is her own organic, unplanned "self." Made a couple wording suggestions to squeeze it in; feel free to take them/leave them/write your own.

In order to convince everyone she’s Bridget though maintain the lie, Payton begins researching Bridget’s past. All she finds, however, is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone from Bridget’s past is a suspect; a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again. This paragraph is great! I love it! (Also hard to see, but I added comma's around "however.")

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living her life as Bridget a stranger. But while choosing to be herself could land her back at the lab, being Bridget will force her to face a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her. I almost feel like you don't need the last sentence? Or that the second half of it can be merged with the first sentence somehow? Because we already know breaking the masquerade can get her tossed back to the lab.

 

Super solid query and a definite improvement over the earlier drafts I scrolled up to read!

 

If you could possibly check out my query and give me some feedback in return, that'd be awesome: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=345163






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