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#21 callalilly

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 08:33 PM

See below thx


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#22 Ireth

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 08:49 PM

Thanks like always!

 

When seventeen-year-old Payton (is she really 17 if she's a clone? Physically, yeah, but technically she'd be a newborn) awakes after being cloned from a dead girl, she awakes with her own identity. She knows her name is not Bridget, nor is she the seventeen-year-old girl Bridget’s family lost to a car crash. Still, she keeps up the lie, certain that if people found out the truth she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

In order to maintain the lie, Payton begins researching the past year. All she finds however is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone’s a suspect(colon) a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again.

 

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living as a stranger. But faced with a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her, her options aren’t great and any decision she makes could be deadly.

 

Very little to critique here. This is great. :D


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#23 callalilly

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 09:00 PM

When Payton awakes after being cloned from a seventeen-year-old dead girl, she awakes with her own identity. She knows her name is not Bridget, nor is she the girl Bridget’s family lost to a car crash. Still, she keeps up the lie, certain that if people found out the truth she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed.

 

In order to maintain the lie, Payton begins researching the past year. All she finds is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone’s a suspect: a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again.

 

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living as a stranger. But faced with a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her, any decision she makes could be a deadly one.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#24 dragoness

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 01:47 AM

The story looks fascinating!  :smile:

 

The query is very well-written, but I found the stakes not clear enough, and I think you better clarify some points:

 

- How didn't Bridget's family notice that she's not Bridget?

- Could they kill her just like that? Can't she prevent such a murder?

how can her "live her life" be an option when she lives in Bridget's parents home?

 

I think you better add these details to the query, and change the last unclear paragraph:

When Payton awakes after being cloned from a seventeen-year-old dead girl, she awakes with her own identity. She knows her name is not Bridget, nor is she the girl Bridget’s family lost to a car crash. Still, she keeps up the lie, certain that if people found out the truth she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed. (a very intriguing opening!)

 

In order to maintain the lie, Payton begins researching the past year. All she finds is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone’s a suspect: a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again.

 

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living as a stranger (the choice is too vague, IMO. "a stranger" is Bridget? why won't she live as Bridget for the time being and pacify Bridget's enemies?") . But faced with a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her, any decision she makes could be a deadly one. 

 

Good Luck!



#25 eric balson

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 12:18 AM

When Payton awakes after being cloned from a seventeen-year-old dead girl, she awakes ​Maybe use a word other than awake to avoid repetition and give the agent the impression you have a wide vocabulary. with her own identity. She knows her name is not Bridget, nor is she the girl Bridget’s family lost to a car crash. Still, she keeps up the lie, certain that if people found out the truth she’d be taken back to the lab she was cloned in and destroyed. ​I don't know if it's just me but I don't think anyone would expect a clone to act in the same way as its original. At least that's what I've noticed in all films and shows--6th day, Orphan Black, Never Let Me Go, Attack of the Clones etc--with clones. The clones have their distinct personas. One thing I don't get is how the clone came to be called Payton. I know it's something that might not fit into your query, but perhaps one agent might want to know.

In order to maintain the lie, Payton begins researching the past year. All she finds is one dark secret; Bridget’s accident was never an accident. Suddenly everyone’s a suspect: a disgruntled teacher Bridget got fired, a best friend who benefited socially from her death, an ex-boyfriend who’s resented her ever since they broke up. No one seems capable of murder, but Payton can’t help noticing that few seem happy to see “Bridget” alive again.

 

Fearing the killer will return to make sure “Bridget” stays dead, Payton must choose between living her life for herself or trying to be content living as a stranger. But faced with a past that never belonged to her and a future that could be the end of her, any decision she makes could be a deadly one.

 

​Story sounds interesting.

 

Please review mine here (post #95): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-5






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