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RIVER PLATE BASIN - Thriller - latest version in #13

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#1 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 08:28 AM

LATEST VERSION IN #13

 

 

SYNOPSIS

RIVER PLATE BASIN

 

Prologue

1870

As the War of the Triple Alliance draws to a close, a rogue Brazilian army brigade goes on a scorched-earth rampage through rural Paraguay. MARIA ISABEL SAMPAIO saves her only living children in a miraculous act of courage.

 

2020

Six generations later, PEDRO PABLO SAMPAIO and his family are suffocating, just like their ancestors and their country before them for the past one hundred fifty years. Every initiative to break out of his black hole is smacked down. If it wasn't the Brazilians knocking him back, then it was the Argentines. He might be just a humble maintenance worker at the Itaipu hydroelectric plant, but he can code with the best of the best. He has the brains. What he needs is an opportunity.

 

The young man's chance arrives when he wins a hackathon for the second month running. While collecting his winnings, the event's sponsor calls him to a private meeting, introducing himself as ALMAN MALUF. Over the course of several meetings and a couple of weeks, Alman proposes a deal. In exchange for more money than Pedro Pablo could earn in a dozen lifetimes he would prepare a software program to override the security system where he worked.

 

Pedro Pablo is not sophisticated, but he is bright. He knows full well how such a code could be used. He also knows that he is unlikely ever to see another opportunity like this one. The money was more than enough to change the lives of everyone in his family. The moral dilemma wracks him for days. In the end, he decides he can have it both ways. He builds the software but includes deep in the code features that allow him to record its use and locate the user. It is not enough to alleviate his conscience, but it is a start. The rest he would have to figure out as he went along.

 

Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA lives in a country mired in corruption. When one of her stories implicates the Brazilian National Development Bank, her husband's employer, she senses that she is on to something big. When he turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is using the BNDES to buy influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections.

 

Larissa is ecstatic. Not only is the story major news, it would be a body blow to the web of social parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

The reaction to her articles is horrifying. There are massive protests in both countries. The Argentinian government calls Brazilian meddling an act of war. As diplomacy fails, tensions rise and the two countries stumble toward the precipice of armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

Alman is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

In response, Brazil mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, doesn't buy the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush on his SEAL team years earlier.

 

Through contacts at the FBI, David also learns of a threat against the Itaipu hydroelectric plant. The threat is deemed credible based on a detailed information package sent anonymously from Paraguay. It includes hundreds of lines of software code and the location of the people using it. A strike on Itaipu would trigger war. If David is right about Alman's role, then that is exactly his plan.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen. He did not want any outside interference in America's backyard. The problem is that the Chinese are closer than any comparable US force. They will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it.

 

As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. Away from the front lines for the first time in his career, he must engage from behind a desk and with an unfamiliar arsenal.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese fleet, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. The new weapon is used to great effect. The Chinese aircraft carrier and the two most powerful ships in its entourage are disabled, without the loss of a single life.

 

David arranges for an FBI forensics team to investigate the bombed supertanker. The evidence proves that it was the work of terrorists and identifies the weapon they used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and his team. One of the terrorists is killed and two are captured as they execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman to detonate bombs that he has planted at Itaipu and then escape.

 

The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. The Brazilian population is enraged and rallies behind their president, who orders the troops to invade Uruguay on route to the River Plate and then Argentina.

 

Larissa is in Sao Paulo when Alman's attack cuts the power. The city descends into darkness and chaos – stores are looted, cars are burned and predators stalk the weak. She rescues a couple and their three young daughters from a drunken gang that turns on her instead. For twelve hours Larissa fights for her life, eventually finding her way to safety on a police horse that had lost his mount.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team from the supertanker to the just captured terrorist cell in Paraguay. They find evidence that Alman was behind the Itaipu bombing.

 

A US carrier battle group projects its awesome power over the whole of the River Plate basin, enforcing a no-fly zone. The commanding officer then calls a two-part meeting with his counterpart from the invading Brazilian army. The first part is a closed door demonstration of the futility of any attempt on the part of the Brazilians to press on to Buenos Aires. The American commander's orders are to stop the Brazilians at the River Plate and the firepower at his disposal is overwhelming. The second part is open to the press. Few are in attendance due to the short notice and remote location, but Larissa is among them. They hear testimony and see evidence from the FBI forensics team regarding Alman's role in the recent bombings.

 

Larissa gets the word out. Soon the world knows. After a brief period of denial, the Brazilian public accepts the truth. In the following weeks, the belligerent parties accept the terms of a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

Epilogue

Several months later

Larissa is awarded the Pulitzer prize for her work in covering the story.

 

Alman escapes and joins his father, the Caliph of the Islamic Maghreb.

 

David is frustrated. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis for the first time and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources would have to be shifted from other theaters of operation. To David's astonishment, the president appoints him to be the CIA's director of military affairs.

 

Pedro Pablo invests his fortune in land, catching the war-torn bottom of the market. He becomes the largest landowner in southern Paraguay and resettles his family in their ancestral home. 



#2 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 16 April 2017 - 08:45 AM


SYNOPSIS
RIVER PLATE BASIN

The Paraguayan and his family are suffocating, just like their ancestors and their country before them for the past one hundred fifty years. Every initiative to break out of his black hole is smacked down. If it wasn't the Brazilians knocking him back, then it was the Argentines. He might be just a humble maintenance worker at the Itaipu hydroelectric plant, but he can code with the best of the best. He has the brains. What he needs is an opportunity.

The young man's chance arrives when he wins a hackathon. While collecting his winnings, the event's sponsor calls him to a private meeting, introducing himself as ALMAN MALUF. Over the course of several meetings and a couple of weeks, Alman proposes a deal. In exchange for more money than he could earn in a dozen lifetimes, the Paraguayan would prepare a software package to override the security system where he works.

The self-taught programmer is not worldly, but he is bright. He knows full well that his code could be used as part of a plan to destroy the dam, killing thousands. He also knows that he is unlikely ever to see another opportunity like this one. The dilemma wracks him for days. In the end, he decides he can have it both ways. He agrees to build the software but secretly plans to include deep in the code features that allow him to record its use and locate the user. It is not enough to alleviate his conscience, but it is a start. The rest he will figure out as he goes along.

Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA lives in a country mired in corruption. When one of her stories implicates the Brazilian National Development Bank, her husband's employer, she senses that she is on to something big. When he turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is using the BNDES to buy influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections.

Larissa is ecstatic. Not only is the story major news, it will be a body blow to the web of social parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

At first, Larissa is pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. Argentinian protests turn violent, destroying any vestige of Brazilian corporate presence in their country. They storm and occupy the Brazilian embassy. The government calls Brazilian meddling an act of war. As diplomacy fails, tensions rise and the two countries stumble toward the precipice of armed conflict. All they need is a push.

Alman is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He dreams of returning one day to a hero's homecoming and perhaps a seat on the Caliph's council. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public opinion against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, doesn't buy the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

Through contacts at the FBI, David also learns of a threat against the Itaipu hydroelectric plant, deemed credible based on a detailed information package sent anonymously from Paraguay. It includes hundreds of lines of software code and the location of the people using it. A strike that big would trigger war. If David is right about Alman's role, then that is exactly his plan.

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen. The problem is that the Chinese are closer than any comparable US force. They will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it.

As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too. Away from the front lines for the first time in his career, he must engage from behind a desk and with an unfamiliar arsenal.

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese fleet, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. The new weapon is used to great effect.

David arranges for an FBI forensics team to investigate the bombed supertanker. The evidence proves that it was the work of terrorists and reveals the weapon they used.

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on the location of the Itaipu threat. Preliminary surveillance confirms that Alman is there with three others. One is killed and two are captured as the terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to detonate bombs that he has planted at Itaipu and then escape.

The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade, first to the River Plate and then to Argentina.

David sends the FBI forensics team from the supertanker to the just-captured terrorist cell in Paraguay. They find evidence that Alman was behind both the supertanker and the Itaipu bombings.

The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone over the whole of the River Plate basin. Its commanding officer meets with his counterpart from the invading Brazilian army. In a closed-door session, he demonstrates the futility of any attempt on the part of the Brazilians to press on to Buenos Aires. American firepower is overwhelming. The second part of the meeting is open to the press. Few are in attendance due to the short notice and remote location, but Larissa is among them. They hear testimony and see evidence from the FBI forensics team regarding Alman's role in the recent bombings.

Larissa gets the word out. Soon the world knows. After a brief period of denial, the Brazilian public accepts the truth. In the following weeks, the belligerent parties accept the terms of a US-sponsored peace treaty.

In recognition of his role in preventing a regional conflict from going global, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military affairs. David is grateful for the recognition and for the opportunity to serve his country in that capacity but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis for the first time and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.



#3 dragoness

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 12:48 AM

Thanks for your comments on my synopsis (though we disagree about the interpretation of history, mostly because I display an innovative interpretation, based on critiquing the Roman historians who belonged, all of them, to the senatorial class). 

 

As for your synopsis:

 

The story seems fascinating and important! (Is it based on a true situation?)

 

Yet, the synopsis is much longer than the usual 500-word synopsis, and it's very unfocused (jumping from one MC to another with no connecting phrase is an example).

Here's a suggestion to focus a synopsis:  http://www.publishin...-page-synopsis/

 

Good luck!



#4 Nonicks

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 04:05 AM

LATEST VERSION

SYNOPSIS
RIVER PLATE BASIN

The Paraguayan and his family are suffocating, just like their ancestors and their country before them for the past one hundred fifty years. Every initiative to break out of his black hole is smacked down. If it wasn't the Brazilians knocking him back, then it was the Argentines. He might be just a humble maintenance worker at the Itaipu hydroelectric plant, but he can code with the best of the best. He has the brains. What he needs is an opportunity.

The young man's chance arrives when he wins a hackathon. While collecting his winnings, the event's sponsor calls him to a private meeting, introducing himself as ALMAN MALUF. Over the course of several meetings and a couple of weeks, Alman proposes a deal. In exchange for more money than he could earn in a dozen lifetimes, the Paraguayan would prepare a software package to override the security system where he works.

The self-taught programmer is not worldly, but he is bright. He knows full well that his code could be used as part of a plan to destroy the dam, killing thousands. He also knows that he is unlikely ever to see another opportunity like this one. The dilemma wracks him for days. In the end, he decides he can have it both ways. He agrees to build the software but secretly plans to include deep in the code features that allow him to record its use and locate the user. It is not enough to alleviate his conscience, but it is a start. The rest he will figure out as he goes along.

Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA lives in a country mired in corruption. When one of her stories implicates the Brazilian National Development Bank, her husband's employer, she senses that she is on to something big. When he turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is using the BNDES to buy influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections.

Larissa is ecstatic. Not only is the story major news, it will be a body blow to the web of social parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

At first, Larissa is pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. Argentinian protests turn violent, destroying any vestige of Brazilian corporate presence in their country. They storm and occupy the Brazilian embassy. The government calls Brazilian meddling an act of war. As diplomacy fails, tensions rise and the two countries stumble toward the precipice of armed conflict. All they need is a push.

Alman is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He dreams of returning one day to a hero's homecoming and perhaps a seat on the Caliph's council. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public opinion against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, doesn't buy the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

Through contacts at the FBI, David also learns of a threat against the Itaipu hydroelectric plant, deemed credible based on a detailed information package sent anonymously from Paraguay. It includes hundreds of lines of software code and the location of the people using it. A strike that big would trigger war. If David is right about Alman's role, then that is exactly his plan.

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen. The problem is that the Chinese are closer than any comparable US force. They will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it.

As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too. Away from the front lines for the first time in his career, he must engage from behind a desk and with an unfamiliar arsenal.

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese fleet, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. The new weapon is used to great effect.

David arranges for an FBI forensics team to investigate the bombed supertanker. The evidence proves that it was the work of terrorists and reveals the weapon they used.

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on the location of the Itaipu threat. Preliminary surveillance confirms that Alman is there with three others. One is killed and two are captured as the terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to detonate bombs that he has planted at Itaipu and then escape.

The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade, first to the River Plate and then to Argentina.

David sends the FBI forensics team from the supertanker to the just-captured terrorist cell in Paraguay. They find evidence that Alman was behind both the supertanker and the Itaipu bombings.

The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone over the whole of the River Plate basin. Its commanding officer meets with his counterpart from the invading Brazilian army. In a closed-door session, he demonstrates the futility of any attempt on the part of the Brazilians to press on to Buenos Aires. American firepower is overwhelming. The second part of the meeting is open to the press. Few are in attendance due to the short notice and remote location, but Larissa is among them. They hear testimony and see evidence from the FBI forensics team regarding Alman's role in the recent bombings.

Larissa gets the word out. Soon the world knows. After a brief period of denial, the Brazilian public accepts the truth. In the following weeks, the belligerent parties accept the terms of a US-sponsored peace treaty.

In recognition of his role in preventing a regional conflict from going global, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military affairs. David is grateful for the recognition and for the opportunity to serve his country in that capacity but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis for the first time and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.

 

 

Hi, I think you should take a look at this article, it describes how to write a synopsis. Then revise according to its structure. Right now your synopsis is a mess.

synopsis



#5 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 08:06 AM

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections. She is ecstatic. Not only is the story front page news, it will be a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is also pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

ALMAN MALUF is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin, where Brazil an Argentina meet. The problem is that the Chinese are closer than any comparable US force. If they arrive first, convincing them to leave would require force.

 

As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate.

 

An FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker. They identify the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start the computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape.

 

The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. They find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings.

 

The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone and ceasefire. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war.

 

Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and sign a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  



#6 dragoness

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 07:47 AM

The story is more interesting and much clearer now.

 

I think you use too many paragraphs, and it disturbs the fluency. I tried to combine some, but you better do more of it, IMO.

 

I had one main problem with the story: it seems as if the Americans are always the smart and the peaceful here, while all of the other 5 nations mentioned are either bad or stupid, and they need the Americans to arrange their businesses for them. It sounds really racist, so I think you must change the way you put it...

 

Here are my detailed comments:

LATEST VERSION

 

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has proof that the Brazilian government is using a state-owned bank to buy influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections. At first, Larissa is pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push. (that's a more logical and interesting place to end the paragraph)

 

ALMAN MALUF is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina. (good!)

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin, where Brazil and Argentina meet. The problem is that the Chinese are closer than any comparable US force. If they arrive first, convincing them to leave would require force. (no need for a new paragraph) As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Meanwhile, An FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker. They identify the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start the computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to attack.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. They find evidence that Alman was behind both the supertanker and the hydroelectric plant bombings. The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone and ceasefire. At a press conference, the FBI presents evidence of Alman's role in the bombings.

 

Larissa gets the word out. The belligerent parties accept the truth and sign a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  (great ending)

Good luck!

I'll be thankful if you'd like to look at my query: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#7 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 04:07 PM

Thanks Dragoness. Great points.

 

I've reviewed your latest draft. 



#8 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 04:16 PM

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections. She is ecstatic. Not only is the story front page news, it is a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is also pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

ALMAN MALUF is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen, and he does not want the Chinese involved. The problem is that they are closer than any comparable US force. The Chinese will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it. As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Meanwhile, an FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker. They identify the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start a computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. They find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings. The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone and ceasefire. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war.

 

Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and sign a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  



#9 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 09:52 AM

LATEST VERSION

 

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming elections. She is ecstatic. Not only is the story front page news, it is a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is also pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

ALMAN MALUF is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. That would guarantee him a hero's welcome upon his return, and perhaps a seat on the Calif's council. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen, and he does not want the Chinese involved. The problem is that they are closer than any comparable US force. The Chinese will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it. As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Meanwhile, an FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker and identifies the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start a computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. While they find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings, the US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war. Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and later sign a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  



#10 hannahb712

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 05:53 PM

I honestly think this is really great as this is! You made quick and efficient points about the story, and you resolved all loose ends that you mentioned. The ending is also really great! I can't see a thing to change  :smile:

 

LATEST VERSION

 

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming elections. She is ecstatic. Not only is the story front page news, it is a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is also pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

ALMAN MALUF is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. That would guarantee him a hero's welcome upon his return, and perhaps a seat on the Calif's council. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen, and he does not want the Chinese involved. The problem is that they are closer than any comparable US force. The Chinese will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it. As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Meanwhile, an FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker and identifies the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start a computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. While they find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings, the US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war. Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and later sign a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  



#11 dragoness

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Posted 23 April 2017 - 06:57 AM

I think this version is better  :smile: .

 

It's still too detailed, IMO, to be clear enough. I think you better omit the descriptions of times and places of the forces, it's too detailed. It would leave the focus on the characters and would be clearer, shorter, and more interesting.

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections. She is ecstatic. Not only is the story front page news, it is a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is also pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

ALMAN MALUF is that push. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He (deleting this sentence makes him less incredible  :wink: ) sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier. 

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen, and he does not want the Chinese involved. The problem is that they are closer than any comparable US force. The Chinese will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it. As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. He is a patriot first, but this is personal too. (good sentence!)

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Meanwhile, an FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker. They identify the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start a computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. They find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings. The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone and ceasefire. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war.

 

Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and sign a US-sponsored (the us is too good. it's annoying and not realistic...) peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  

 

Thank you for critiquing my query!

 

Would you like to look at the new version? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#12 loopygoose

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:44 AM

Greetings, fellow Ashtanga devotee. 

 

When Rio-based journalist LARISSA COSTA's husband turns whistle-blower, she has the facts to prove that the Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming presidential elections. I struggle with the content of this sentence, it's too complicated.  The Rio-based journalist is ecstatic. Not only is her story front page news, it is a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is also pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

Terrorist fugitive, ALMAN MALUF does just that. In the hope that a South American war will divert Americans from his homeland, the Islamic Magreb, he bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina. theis that push.does just that. He is a fugitive from every counter-terrorist organization in the world, hiding in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A south American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. 

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier. 

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the south Atlantic, the US president orders the navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen, and he does not want the Chinese involved. The problem is that they are closer than any comparable US force. The Chinese will arrive first. If that happens, convincing them to leave would have to be backed up with firepower and the willingness to use it. As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. 

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Great Meanwhile, an FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker. They identify the weapon that was used.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to start a computer activated detonation sequence for bombs he planted at a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. They find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings. The US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone and ceasefire. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war.

 

Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and sign a US-sponsored peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the south Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  

 

Good story and generally well-written synopsis. I'd just sort the top out so that it flows better and there are a number of cuts that can be made for easier reading without losing the sense of the story. Would you please do the honours for mine? http://agentquerycon...o-so-in-return/

 



#13 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 03:00 PM

LATEST VERSION

 

SYNOPSIS

RIVER PLATE BASIN

 

The Brazilian government is buying influence in Argentina's upcoming elections, and LARISSA COSTA has a whistle-blower on the inside. The Rio-based journalist is ecstatic. Not only is her story front page news, it is a body blow to the parasites sucking the life from her country, most importantly, the president. This could bring him down.

 

At first, Larissa is pleased with the reaction to her articles, then horrified. Hoards of Brazilians descend on the capital, outraged at yet another mega corruption scandal. In Argentina, the government calls the meddling an act of war. Violence erupts, and the Brazilian embassy is overrun. As diplomacy fails and tensions rise, the two countries stumble toward armed conflict. All they need is a push.

 

Terrorist fugitive ALMAN MALUF hides in the Paraguayan countryside. The nearby chaos presents an opportunity he can't resist. A South American war would draw in the Americans, hopefully diverting their resources from the Islamic Maghreb, his homeland. He bombs a Brazilian supertanker in the port of Buenos Aires, framing Argentina.

 

Desperate to deflect attention from the corruption scandal, the Brazilian government whips-up public anger against Argentinian aggression and mobilizes its troops. Argentina panics and reaches out to China, its largest trading partner. A military alliance is hammered out.

 

Alman's ruse fools almost everyone, but Captain DAVID REICH, of US Naval Intelligence, isn't buying the notion that the bombing was Argentinian handiwork. He sees signs of a familiar tradecraft and suspects the real culprit is Alman, the man he has been hunting since the ambush that took the lives of two of his SEAL team years earlier.

 

When a Chinese aircraft carrier battle group enters the South Atlantic, the US president orders the Navy to deny them access to the River Plate basin. If a shooting war breaks out between Brazil and Argentina, that is where it will happen. As the stakes rise, David hatches a plan to stop the war before it starts and to settle the score with his nemesis. The president defines the priorities, but David will not let this chance at revenge slip away.

 

He dispatches the only naval asset in a position to intercept the Chinese armada, a lone submarine armed with an experimental weapon. Its mission is to delay the Chinese by at least six hours, the time required for a US carrier battle group to position itself in the mouth of the River Plate. Meanwhile, an FBI forensics team investigates the bombed supertanker.

 

From a command room in the Pentagon, David runs a SEAL team that closes in on Alman and three others. The terrorists execute a diversionary tactic that allows Alman enough time to detonate bombs he planted in a giant hydroelectric plant and then escape. The dam breaches, causing floods and blackouts throughout southern Brazil. Enraged, Brazilians rally behind their president who orders the troops to invade.

 

David sends the FBI forensics team to the just-captured terrorist cell. While they find evidence that Alman was behind both bombings, the US carrier battle group arrives and enforces a no-fly zone. Larissa attends a press conference in which the FBI presents its findings, identifying Alman as the mastermind behind the attacks that triggered the war. Her articles are published around the world. The belligerent parties accept the truth and later sign a peace treaty.

 

In recognition of his role, the president appoints David to be the CIA's director of military operations. He is grateful but does not count the episode as a victory. Not only did Alman escape, he won another round. The US Navy stations a carrier group in the South Atlantic on a permanent basis and is stretched more thinly than ever. Resources are shifted from other theaters of operation, including the Mediterranean shores of the Islamic Maghreb.  







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