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Interchangeable (YA ) complete rewrite #20


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#21 jaustail

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 03:30 AM

JMO:

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Samantha knows she will never be more than who she is(i read this a few times but still didn't understand it), it wouldn’t be fair to others(how? is she a magician?). Society’s rules to be equal are simple, share everything and everyone(<--start the query from here). Government is abolished, technology is sparse, and emotions are limited. If you can’t accept equality, you are given a choice: death or exile to the South- a barren wasteland in which few survive. Almost everyone chooses death.

 

But the one thing Samantha refuses to share are her lifelike dreams of Hawke(what's this?). When the young man(I thought Samantha was a woman) visits her dreams, he stirs up emotions she has never felt, and in a world where nothing is hers, she wants to keep him for herself. He makes her feel more, want to be more…until it’s revealed by Headquarters that Hawke is real and he is extremely dangerous(put this in active voice). Confused and afraid, she reluctantly looks for clues as to why she dreamt of him in the South, only to land in the arms of Hawke himself. But the wasteland she dreaded is nothing like the thriving city below its surface. Not only does she find answers, but the true meaning of sacrifice. Samantha knows that Headquarters will do anything to keep Hawke, and those fighting for the South a secret…even if it means their death. She must decide if she will stay in the safety of the South, or risk everything and go back to the society she knows to save the ones she has grown to love(is this: to save the ones she has grown to love, she will go back to society

or is it

she will go to the society that is known to save the ones...).

 

 

I suggest breaking this in 3 paragraphs. That would help to read it. Maybe remove words like: 'only to land in the arms' and 'is nothing like' 'true meaning' 'do anything'

They're too cliche and act as fillers. JMO.



#22 Iconian

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 09:26 PM

Kimseal- I agree I didn't like that version either! I wrote another one and hope it works better???

 

Seventeen-year-old Samantha knows she will never be more than who she is, it wouldn’t be fair to others. [What?  OK--but who is she in the first place?  And why wouldn't WHAT be fair to others?  This sentence is confusing.]  Society’s rules to be equal are simple: [colon here instead of comma] share everything and everyone. Government is abolished, technology is sparse, and emotions are limited. [Do you mean, "emotions allowed by society are limited"?]  If you can’t accept equality, you are given a choice: death, [comma] or exile to the South- a barren wasteland in which few survive. Almost everyone chooses death.

 

But the one thing Samantha refuses to share are her lifelike dreams of Hawke. When the young man visits her dreams, he stirs up emotions she has never felt--and in a world where nothing is hers, she wants to keep him for herself. He makes her feel more, want to be more…until it’s revealed by Headquarters that Hawke is real and he is extremely dangerous.

 

[New paragraph.]

Confused and afraid, she reluctantly looks for clues as to why she dreamt of him in the South, [do you mean, "she reluctantly searches the South for clues," etc?  Also, what "South" are you talking about?  I'm guessing this probably means the American South, but this whole story sounds so foreign and futuristic that it could easily be on another planet.  And one other thing: is she searching the South because she got exile?  If so, you should state that that's what happened to her.]  only to land in the arms of Hawke himself. But the wasteland she dreaded is nothing like the thriving city below its surface. Not only does she find answers, but the true meaning of sacrifice. Samantha knows that Headquarters will do anything to keep Hawke, [To keep him?  Do you mean to find him?] and those fighting for the South a secret…even if it means their death. [What?]  She must decide if she will stay in the safety of the South, or risk everything and go back to the society she knows to save the ones she has grown to love. 

 

This is query is very confusing and messy.  It sounds like there's an interesting story in there, but it's so covered up by clumsy language and poor structuring.  A suggestion I've been giving out a lot lately is to read and reread your query several times, once you think you've finished your editing, to make sure it all flows well and makes sense.  If it doesn't flow well and make sense, edit it some more until it does.  Something that I learned years ago: try to make your writing as perfect as it can possibly in your own eyes, through repeated edits.  Then, once you've reached that point, begin submit it to others.  :)

 

Anyway, good luck, I think you have an interesting story here, so I hope to see a new revision in the future.  And other than that, please take a look at my own query and leave behind a critique.  Thanks!


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#23 BCVail

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 05:16 PM

Kimseal- I agree I didn't like that version either! I wrote another one and hope it works better???

 

Seventeen-year-old Samantha knows she will never be more than who she is, it wouldn’t be fair to others (This is pretty vague. A hook or opening sentence should be something clear that gives us an idea about the character.). Society’s rules to be equal are simple, share everything and everyone.(Interesting concept. But make this a complete sentence.) Government is abolished, technology is sparse, and emotions are limited. If you can’t accept equality, you are given a choice: death or exile to the South- a barren wasteland in which few survive. Almost everyone chooses death. (Seems an odd choice to make for almost everyone.. especially when almost everyone should be enough people to change the laws.)

 

But the one thing Samantha refuses to share are her lifelike dreams of Hawke (how does she share her dreams other than just telling someone about them). When the young man visits her dreams, he stirs up emotions she has never felt, and in a world where nothing is hers, she wants to keep him for herself. He makes her feel more, want to be more…until it’s revealed by Headquarters that Hawke is real and he is extremely dangerous. Confused and afraid, she reluctantly looks for clues (where does she look for clues? how?) as to why she dreamt of him in the South, only to land in the arms of Hawke himself. But the wasteland she dreaded is nothing like the thriving city below its surface. Not only does she find answers, but the true meaning of sacrifice (this is vague and doesn't really tell me anymore about your story). Samantha knows that Headquarters will do anything to keep Hawke, and those fighting for the South a secret…even if it means their death. She must decide if she will stay in the safety of the South, or risk everything and go back to the society she knows to save the ones she has grown to love. 

 

I think there are a few points that need clarifying as I don't quite follow your plot or logic of your society. I like the underground city bit.

 

 

If you have a moment, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query. You can find the link here. Thank you.






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