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Query - A Wizard Deceived (UF)


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#21 dragoness

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 04:45 AM

It's  v-e-r-y  good!  :smile:

 

I had only few small comments:

 

I’m seeking representation for my 85,000 word urban fantasy novel, A WIZARD DECEIVED, a modern Arthurian legend told by Merlin himself, who is damn eager to set the record straight on his long life.
 
On the day Camelot fell, Merlin Ambrosius was nearly killed by his legendary enemy, Morgaine Le Fay. Ever since, Merlin has lived a life on the run creating new identities and blending in with normal society (obvious) lest he attract Morgaine's deadly attention. Today he’s known as Marcus Ambrose who and he owns a comic book shop in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and.  He prefers playing Dungeons and Dragons with the store regulars to rumbling with fire breathing beasts of old.
 
That is, until he gets some day-ruining bad news. King Arthur has escaped Avalon and is looking to exact revenge upon Marcus for his banishment. The Fates have disappeared throwing destiny itself into chaos, and as if things couldn’t get any worse, Morgaine has found him again and is coming to settle the old score.
 
This is the part where Marcus usually packs up the old wizard’s staff and heads for another continent, except running for millennia has gotten rather old. Sure, running means surviving, but that would also mean standing up his first date in over two hundred years. It's time for him to live, not just to survive. (I think this way, ending with the stakes, it's more thrilling) It's time to face his past, even if that means confronting a mad goddess and risking the obliteration of his soul. (great!)
 
 
A WIZARD DECEIVED is the first in a planned series with mythological cross-over potential, and will easily find a home with fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files (italicize) or Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles where well-known mythology is given some fresh, fiery breath. Thank you for your time and consideration!
 
Sincerely,
 
Me.

 

 

Thank you for critiquing my query again  :smile: .

 

Would you like to see my new version? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#22 Keledron

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 06:59 AM

Thanks again Dragoness! I will absolutely check your query out again. I really like the sound of your book, btw. I'm a geek for history, so that one definitely hits all the right notes! :)


Any critiques on my current query for A Wizard Deceived would be highly appreciated, and I would gladly critique yours in return!

 

http://agentquerycon...rd-deceived-uf/

 

Synopsis critiques would be SO APPRECIATED!!

 

http://agentquerycon...izard-deceived/

 


#23 jswen

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 12:18 PM

Hey Keledron, it's looking good so far. Cool premise! I love the idea of Merlin being a comic-book store owner. 

Hope this helps:

 

Dear <AgentName>,
 
I’m seeking representation for my 85,000 word urban fantasy novel, A WIZARD DECEIVED, a modern Arthurian legend told by Merlin himself, who is damn eager to set the record straight on his long life. (Sort of a lot crammed into this sentence. In querying, I've been going back and forth between even including a sentence like this, versus just launching into the pitch. I've seen successful queries either way. but it's something to consider)
 
On the day Camelot fell, Merlin Ambrosius was nearly killed by his legendary enemy, Morgaine Le Fay. Ever since, Merlin has lived a life on the run creating new identities and blending in with normal society lest he attract Morgaine's deadly attention. Today he’s known as Marcus Ambrose and he owns a comic book shop in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  He prefers playing Dungeons and Dragons with the store regulars to rumbling with fire breathing beasts of old.
 
 (What about a more active way of saying this? Something like: 'Merlin died with Camelot. (Or - The man everyone knows as Merlin died with Camelot.) Now he runs a comic book store in... and he goes by Marcus. Oh, and he prefers D&D to any of those fire-breathing beasts of yore.) I would also wait to introduce Morgaine
 
That is, until he gets some day-ruining bad news. King Arthur has escaped Avalon and is looking to exact revenge upon Marcus for his banishment. (But King Arthur's not  done with him yet) The Fates have disappeared throwing destiny itself into chaos, (I think this needs more clarity. I don't know anything about The Fates - are they beings of some sort?) and as if things couldn’t get any worse, Morgaine has found him again and is coming to settle the old score. 
 
This is the part where Marcus usually packs up the old wizard’s staff and heads for another continent, except running for millennia has gotten rather old. (since you mention this here, don't need to mention it above. I  like this sentence by the way!) Sure, running means surviving, but that would also mean standing up his first date in over two hundred years. (Could strengthen this motivation. Is it "Truel Love" haha - I don't think a single date would dissuade someone who's been running for centuries. What about; "He's been running for too long. And besides, he just got his first date in over two-hundred years. It's time to face his past, even if that means confronting a mad goddess (The Fates?) and risking the obliteration of his soul. It's time to live, not just survive! (Try to stay away from exclamation points. Maybe tie back to earlier? What about his D&D game?? 
 
A WIZARD DECEIVED is the first in a planned series with mythological cross-over potential, and (A WIZARD DECIEVED, complete at 85k, is an urban fantasy that appeal to fans of...) will easily find a home with fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files or Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles where well-known mythology is given some fresh, fiery breath. Thank you for your time and consideration!
 
Sincerely,
 
Me.
***
Keep it up!


#24 Bananas

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 01:17 PM

I like this.  

 

Update 4:

 

Dear <AgentName>,
 
I’m seeking representation for my 85,000 word urban fantasy novel, A WIZARD DECEIVED, a modern Arthurian legend told by Merlin himself, who is damn eager to set the record straight on his long life.
 
On the day Camelot fell, Merlin Ambrosius was nearly killed by his legendary enemy, Morgaine Le Fay. Ever since, Merlin has lived a life on the run creating new identities and blending in with normal society lest he attract Morgaine's deadly attention. Today he’s known as Marcus Ambrose and he owns a comic book shop in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  He prefers playing Dungeons and Dragons with the store regulars to rumbling with fire breathing beasts of old.
 
That is, until he gets some day-ruining bad news. King Arthur has escaped Avalon and is looking to exact revenge upon Marcus for his banishment. The Fates have disappeared throwing destiny itself into chaos, and as if things couldn’t get any worse, Morgaine has found him again and is coming to settle the old score.
 
This is the part where Marcus usually packs up the old wizard’s staff and heads for another continent, except running for millennia has gotten rather old. Sure, running means surviving, but that would also mean standing up his first date in over two hundred years. It's time to face his past, even if that means confronting a mad goddess and risking the obliteration of his soul. It's time to live, not just survive!
 
A WIZARD DECEIVED is the first in a planned series with mythological cross-over potentialwhat the hell does this mean?  That you can work in other myths, like American Gods?  I'm not sure this tidbit helps sell your query.  and will easily find a home with fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files or Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles where well-known mythology is given some fresh, fiery breath. Thank you for your time and consideration!
 
Sincerely,
 
Me.

 



#25 Keledron

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 01:29 PM

Thanks all for critiques and input so far. I've tried clearing up the things that were noted frequently, and hopefully edged this a little closer to the finish line.

 

--

 

Update 5:

 

Dear <AgentName>,
 
I’m seeking representation for my 85,000 word urban fantasy novel, A WIZARD DECEIVED, a modern Arthurian legend told by Merlin himself, who is damn eager to set the record straight on his long life.
 
On the day Camelot fell, Merlin Ambrosius was nearly killed by his legendary enemy, Morgaine Le Fay. Ever since, Merlin has lived a life on the run creating new identities lest he attract Morgaine's deadly attention. Today he’s Marcus Ambrose who owns a comic book shop in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  He prefers playing Dungeons and Dragons with the store regulars to rumbling with fire breathing beasts of old.
 
That is, until he gets some day-ruining bad news. King Arthur has escaped Avalon and is looking to exact revenge upon Marcus for his banishment. The Fates, the very guardians of important future events, have disappeared leaving the fabric of the future in danger of unraveling. Worse yet, Morgaine has found him again and is coming to settle the old score.
 
This is the part where Marcus usually packs up the old wizard’s staff and heads for another continent, except running for millennia has gotten rather old. Sure, running means surviving, but that would also mean disappearing on the woman who has recently sparked a fire in his heart. It's time to face his past, even if that means confronting a mad goddess and risking the obliteration of his soul. It's time to live, not just survive.
 
A WIZARD DECEIVED is the first in a planned series with mythological cross-over potential, and will easily find a home with fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files or Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles where well-known mythology is given some fresh, fiery breath. Thank you for your time and consideration!
 
Sincerely,
 
Me.

Any critiques on my current query for A Wizard Deceived would be highly appreciated, and I would gladly critique yours in return!

 

http://agentquerycon...rd-deceived-uf/

 

Synopsis critiques would be SO APPRECIATED!!

 

http://agentquerycon...izard-deceived/

 


#26 Keledron

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 01:36 PM

Hi Bananas,

 

I've been debating keeping that or not. It was an earlier suggestion that I liked but I was hoping it'd be a bit more obvious than it seems on paper now that I look at it.

 

 

What I was hoping to spark in the agent reading it is, this book is primarily concerned with clearing up the Camelot legend from Merlin's perspective, but other myths and mythological heroes make appearances in this book (and others I have planned for the series.

 

This book primarily concerns Camelot myths, with some help from Odin, Thor, and Hercules (albeit indirectly on Herc's) part :)

 

But other books have appearances (and perhaps conflict) from Wendigos, Zeus, Hades, Vlad Dracul, Cagliostro, Finn McCool just to name a few :)   


Any critiques on my current query for A Wizard Deceived would be highly appreciated, and I would gladly critique yours in return!

 

http://agentquerycon...rd-deceived-uf/

 

Synopsis critiques would be SO APPRECIATED!!

 

http://agentquerycon...izard-deceived/

 


#27 Bananas

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 01:40 PM

 

What I was hoping to spark in the agent reading 

 

I'm not an agent, but something tells me your query is going to grab their attention as it is. 



#28 E.G. Tczarzenskawitz

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 02:33 PM

On the day Camelot fell, Merlin Ambrosius nearly lost his life to his legendary enemy, Morgaine Le Fay. (I think lost his life sounds more dramatic that nearly killed. But it might just be me.)

Ever since, Merlin has lived his life on the run, creating new identities as to not attract Morgaine's deadly attention. (It is his life, not just a life you’re talking about. I don’t like blending in to normal society. I think you mean today’s society, or as society changes over time he must create a new identity to fit in, but that wording doesn’t work.)

 

Today he’s known as Marcus Ambrose, and he owns a comic book shop in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  He’s learned that he prefers playing Dungeons and Dragons with the store regulars to rumbling with real fire breathing beasts as he did before.

 

That is until he gets some day-ruining bad news. (I don’t like this line.  It makes it sound like he liked playing a game better than facing real dragons until Arthur escapes. Now he prefers real dragons again.) King Arthur has escaped Avalon and is looking to exact revenge upon his old adviser. The Fates have disappeared throwing destiny itself into chaos, and as if things couldn’t get any worse, Morgaine has found him again and is coming to settle the old score. The fates add too much going on, making it hard to understand what’s happening. To connect it to the above section, try something like:

He really enjoys being Marcus; it’s become his favorite identity used since he was forced into hiding. However, he realizes he might have to give it up when King Arthur has escapes Avalon and looks to exact revenge (For what?) upon his old adviser. And just as it seems his life can’t get any worse, Merlin discovers Morgaine has found him and is coming to settle the old score.

 

Under such terrible odds, Merlin would usually pack up the old wizard’s staff and heads for another continent. But running for millennia has gotten rather old, and he’s now built a life worth fighting. It's time to face his past, even if that means confronting a mad goddess and risking the obliteration of his soul.

 

A WIZARD DECEIVED is an 85,000 word modern Arthurian, urban fantasy novel, which is the first in a planned series with mythological cross-over potential. It will easily find a home with fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files or Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles where well-known mythology is given some fresh, fiery breath.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration!

 

Hope my suggestions help you. You seem to have found a fresh voice to tell Merlin's tale. Good Luck.



#29 jswen

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Posted Yesterday, 04:29 PM

Hey Keledron! Nice job. You're getting a lot of positive feedback so far. Keep it up. :)

Just a few nitpicks for this draft.

 

 

Thanks all for critiques and input so far. I've tried clearing up the things that were noted frequently, and hopefully edged this a little closer to the finish line.

 

--

 

Update 5:

 

Dear <AgentName>,
 
I’m seeking representation for my 85,000 word urban fantasy novel, A WIZARD DECEIVED, a modern Arthurian legend told by Merlin himself, who is damn eager to set the record straight on his long life.
 
On the day Camelot fell, Merlin Ambrosius was nearly killed by his legendary enemy, Morgaine Le Fay. Ever since, Merlin has lived a life on the run creating new identities lest he attract Morgaine's deadly attention (I feel like this sentence could use a comma or two, possibly after 'run' and 'identities'). Today he’s Marcus Ambrose who owns a comic book shop in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  (I would combine these two: Today he's Marcus Abmrose, owner of a comic-book shop in Pennsylvania, and he prefers playing...) He prefers playing Dungeons and Dragons with the store regulars to rumbling with fire breathing beasts of old.
 
That is, until he gets some day-ruining (I would use one or the other, day-ruining and bad together are redundant) bad news. King Arthur has escaped Avalon and is looking to exact revenge upon Marcus for his banishment. The Fates, the very guardians of important future events, (I would set this off with em-dash: The Fates -- divine guardians of the future -- have disappeared, leaving the fabric of time in danger of unraveling.) have disappeared leaving the fabric of the future in danger of unraveling. Worse yet, Morgaine has found him again and is coming to settle the old score.
 
This is the part where Marcus usually packs up the old wizard’s staff and heads for another continent, except running for millennia has gotten rather old. Sure, running means surviving, but that would also mean disappearing on the woman who has recently sparked a fire in his heart. It's time to face his past, even if that means confronting a mad goddess (Who is the mad goddess? Morgaine?) and risking the obliteration of his soul. It's time to live, not just survive.
 
A WIZARD DECEIVED is the first in a planned series with mythological cross-over potential (I'm not sure what this means), and will easily find a home with fans of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files or Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles where well-known mythology is given some fresh, fiery breath. Thank you for your time and consideration!
 
Sincerely,
 
Me.

 

 

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