Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Does this hook make sense?

Fiction Romance Mystery Multi-Cultural

  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 man45000

man45000

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 32 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Unpublished.

Posted 19 April 2017 - 03:36 PM

When Jack Jones, a dead beat teenager, on his way from rock bottom, bumps into Khadija Abdullahi, a no-nonsense  girl, she recognizes his face, as his brother was the person behind the brutal murder of her dear father, but he doesn’t know her, igniting a cat and mouse that will reveal why was her father killed.



#2 Dave1

Dave1

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 21 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:A few short stories.

Posted 19 April 2017 - 04:30 PM

No, I think you should break this up into a couple of sentences.  There is way too much detail, I would cut out the rock bottom part and no-nonsense part as well.  Also, try rewriting the hook starting with "the brutal murder" and going from there.



#3 man45000

man45000

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 32 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Unpublished.

Posted 19 April 2017 - 04:40 PM

THIRD VERSION

 

 

Is the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, and the past is brought up for Khadija Abdullahi, when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, on his way from rock bottom, bumps into her, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who took her father, and she wants revenge.



#4 Dave1

Dave1

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 21 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:A few short stories.

Posted 20 April 2017 - 08:30 AM

I think that is much better, but I still think you should remove the rock bottom part, you are already saying he is a deadbeat so we would assume he was milling around down there.  Unless your intention is to say he on his way up form rock bottom meaning he is getting better but I don't think that is what you are going for.

 

Also, try ending the sentence after "bumps into her."  Start the second sentence with something like: "She immediately recognizes him as..."



#5 man45000

man45000

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 32 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Unpublished.

Posted 20 April 2017 - 09:15 AM

How about now for the hook?

 

 

Is the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, and the past is brought up for Khadija Abdullahi, when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, bumps into her. She immediately recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who took her father, and she wants revenge.



#6 Niambi

Niambi

    Malaika: Fallen

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 295 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Journalism

Posted 01 May 2017 - 01:09 AM

Slow down a bit. I say that only because each version is just as confusing as the next. The grammar and syntax is off.

You start out by asking a question. "Is the anniversary of the brutal murder ..." Or do you mean It's?

You don't need to say "immediately recognizes." Immediately is one of those adverbs that people love or hate and at times is necessary, but here I just stumble over it. Lastly, we know she wants revenge, but what is she willing to do to get it? What I mean by that is, what is stopping her from pulling out a knife and killing Jack or using him as bait to lure in his brother?

Begin with a sentence that punches the reader in the face. We don't care about the anniversary, or even the plot at this point. We just want to know why we should continue reading.

-- Khadijah's father was murdered, and her chance at revenge comes when she bumps into the deadbeat brother of the assassin. Now, Khadijah must ... or Jack and Khadijah must ... etc.





Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Romance, Mystery, Multi-Cultural

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users