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Third version of the hook, does it make sense?

Fiction Multi-Cultural Romance Thrillers/Suspense

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#1 man45000

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 04:55 PM

Is the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, and the past is brought up for Khadija Abdullahi, when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, on his way from rock bottom, bumps into her, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who took her father, and she wants revenge.



#2 hannahb712

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 04:57 PM

Please take my advice however you want, it's obviously your writing, and you should have it the way that you want! But here are some changes you could make, just to put my ideas out there!

 

1. I wouldn't start off your sentence with 'is,' because that implies it's meant to be a question. And unless you change what you have written, there isn't a question there. (although maybe you meant it's, in which case I would just make sure to add the 't' in there!)

 

2. You have a run on sentence, so find some way to break it up. You might have to rework it a bit, but if you can add a period in there somewhere, I think that will help a ton!

 

3. Make it simple

        --> You want to have some details, but not too much for the first sentence. "...when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, on his way from rock bottom, bumps into her, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who took her father, and she wants revenge." In that section specifically, I think there's some stuff that might be worth taking out. I'll leave that up to you, though! 

 

If you want me to explain anything further, or if you want any more help, I'd be happy to! Just let me know! 



#3 man45000

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 06:14 PM

explain further, and i need more help yeah



#4 hannahb712

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Posted 07 May 2017 - 05:50 PM

Sorry I just realized that you had responded to this! Didn't mean to take so long to reply! 

 

I put some examples down below of what you could do. I'm going to be honest, I'm a big supporter of the 'person first,' language when it comes to assigning disabilities. Meaning that instead of saying 'bipolar teenager,' it'd be 'teenager with bipolar.' Because you wouldn't say someone is cancerous, you'd say they have cancer. It's not that big of a deal...but I just have a preference when it comes to that. Also, in regards to your sentence, I wouldn't have two adjectives anyways. So decide which attribute is more important...is him being a deadbeat more important to the plot, or is it the fact that he has bipolar disorder? Whichever is the case, decide that, and then apply. 

This is a side note because it just came to me, but "on his way from rock bottom,' sound like he's getting his life together. Because he's on his way from the bottom, moving forward. Maybe you might want to change 'from,' to 'to.' He's on his way to rock bottom. 

 

 

It's the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, and the past is brought up for Khadija Abdullahi wants revenge. An opportunity comes in the form of when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, on his way from rock bottom,  that bumps into her on accident. Instantly, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who killed took her father, and not a moment later, her plan begins to unfold. she wants revenge.

 

The past has come back for is brought up for Khadija Abdullahi, and on the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father's brutal murder, no less. As she's walking (idk where), she's bumped into by a , and t when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, on his way from to rock bottom. Instantly bumps into her, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who killed took her father, and a malicious thought takes root. She wants revenge.

 







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