Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Fourth version of my hook, HELP!!!!!


  • Please log in to reply
1 reply to this topic

#1 man45000

man45000

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 32 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Unpublished.

Posted 19 April 2017 - 08:03 PM

The past comes calling on the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, when deadbeat bipolar teenager Jack Jones bumps into her, on his way from rock bottom, Khadija Abdullahi recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who played God, killing her father for being a Muslim igniting a cat and mouse game of how her father was killed and how to get the girl for the clueless Jack.



#2 Testome

Testome

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 363 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 19 April 2017 - 09:05 PM



The past comes calling on the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, when deadbeat bipolar teenager Jack Jones bumps into her, on his way from rock bottom redundant., Khadija Abdullahi I would use her name sooner. recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who played God, killing her father for being a Muslim igniting a cat and mouse game of how her father was killed and how to get the girl for the clueless Jack.

Just saying her without the name at the beginning doesn't really work here. This is still too long of a sentence. I crossed out what seemed unnecessary.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users