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Fifth version of my hook, help with honest feedback.


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#1 man45000

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 09:33 PM

When deadbeat bipolar teenager Jack Jones bumps Khadija Abdullahi, she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who played God, killing her father.



#2 newb

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 11:04 PM

You should try updating on your original thread instead of starting 5 new threads? Just makes it easier to navigate and see your changes. 

 

Also, what do you mean by "bumps Khadija Abdullahi" ?? 

 

Because you've started with Jack Jones, I'm assuming this is Jack Jones perspective. But it's not since you use "she" right after. So you should maybe follow the basic format of subject then verb? 

 

"When Khadija Abdullahi bumps into deadbeat Jack, she recognises him as the brother of the man who killed her father."

 

I personally don't feel your hook works. It seems a little bit too vague and you've named two people I don't yet feel a connection to. 



#3 man45000

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 11:08 PM

How about now?

 

 

 

The past comes calling on the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, when deadbeat bipolar teenager Jack Jones bumps into her, on his way from rock bottom, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who played God, killing her father for being a Muslim igniting a cat and mouse game of how her father was killed and how to get the girl for the clueless Jack.



#4 man45000

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 11:10 PM

You should try updating on your original thread instead of starting 5 new threads? Just makes it easier to navigate and see your changes. 

 

Also, what do you mean by "bumps Khadija Abdullahi" ?? 

 

Because you've started with Jack Jones, I'm assuming this is Jack Jones perspective. But it's not since you use "she" right after. So you should maybe follow the basic format of subject then verb? 

 

"When Khadija Abdullahi bumps into deadbeat Jack, she recognises him as the brother of the man who killed her father."

 

I personally don't feel your hook works. It seems a little bit too vague and you've named two people I don't yet feel a connection to. 

 

 

How about now???

 

 

The past comes calling on the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, when deadbeat bipolar teenager Jack Jones bumps into her, on his way from rock bottom, as she recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who played God, killing her father for being a Muslim igniting a cat and mouse game of how her father was killed and how to get the girl for the clueless Jack.

 



#5 man45000

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 11:14 PM

Or how about this version

 

 

When Jack Jones, a dead beat teenager, on his way from rock bottom, bumps into Khadija Abdullahi, she recognizes his face, as his brother was the person behind the brutal murder of her dear father, but he doesn’t know her, igniting a cat and mouse game that will reveal why was her father killed.



#6 newb

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 11:32 PM

This is a really long sentence. Try reading it out loud. It will help you hear the rhythm of your sentence and you'd also pick up on that typo at the end.



#7 man45000

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 01:33 AM

How about this version:

 

 

 

 

An eventful day brings Jack Jones, a deadbeat bipolar teenager, and Khadija Abdullahi, together, after they bump into each other. He is on his way from rock bottom, after three months of depressive episode.  She recognizes him because of his brother who played God by taking the innocent life of her father.  Khadija sets out to avenge her father’s death.



#8 newb

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 06:43 AM

I found this helpful http://ramblingsofaw...e-part-two.html

 

Also maybe take some time to look at other people's queries and critique theirs. It should help you pick up more on what works and doesn't work as well as encourage other people to return the favour without having to set up several threads. 



#9 man45000

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 09:20 AM

Don't tell me what to do, i asked for your critique, not your fricking order, and I am critiquing others work, so critique my work an tell me what you think or do one.......

 

This is the hook of my query letter, what do you think about this version?

 

Is the anniversary of the brutal murder of her father, and the past is brought up for Khadija Abdullahi, when a deadbeat bipolar teenager, bumps into her. She immediately recognizes him as the younger brother of the man who took her father, and she wants revenge.






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