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#1 hannahb712

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 04:37 PM

Hello!

 

I've completed a story back in January, and have been trying to submit it to Literary Agents, with no luck. I posted my Query Letter in the other forum for help, but I think my synopsis could probably use it, as well. It's the first time I've ever written one, and I had some difficulties because I have four main characters throughout my story. Any help is appreciated, and thank you so much if you do! 

 

-Hannah

 

__________________________________________________________

 

With all the courage that seventeen-year-old Stephanie Andrews can muster, she asks her Mother a question, “When is the right time to have sex?” As unfortunately expected of her stubborn parent, her Mother quickly turns the situation volatile, crushing Stephanie’s hopes for understanding. Left without guidance, Stephanie confides in her best friend Ella O’Connor on when is the right time to go there with her boyfriend, but Ella is on the opposite side of things.

 

As a sophomore in college, Ella just wants to lose her virginity already. While it really doesn’t matter with who, she does happen to have her sights set on Kyle. Ella’s roommate thinks she’s crazy for wanting to lose it to the most sexually active frat boy on campus, but Ella doesn’t care about what’s in his past. She just wants to use him for what she needs, and leave.

 

Yasmeen Carters has had sex, with men, but she’s struggling with going that next step with her current girlfriend, Jessica. Yasmeen is worried that she won’t like having sex still, and that Jessica could leave her because of it. So despite her girlfriend’s wishes in doing more, she continues to stay abstinent. Jade Rivera doesn’t understand her friend’s decision, but she has her own issues to worry about when Adam at work, asks her out on a date. It’s no secret that he’s been pining after Jade for a while now, and even though Yasmeen tells her to go for it, Jade can’t. In her eyes, Adam is ‘husband material,’ and she’s too young for someone ready to settle down.

 

As the weeks go on, Stephanie and her Mother are at a stalemate, but regardless of what her Mother thinks, Stephanie’s going to do it. She’s going to have sex with Chris, and as suggested by her friend Emmy, she’s going to do it on Prom Night. However, Chris doesn’t seem to be as ready to make things happen as Stephanie is, so it’s taking some time to warm him up to the idea. Ella too is having issues, after coming to realize that maybe giving it away to just anybody isn’t really the best idea anymore. However, Kyle doesn’t get the hint, as he keeps pursuing Ella aggressively. Ella’s friend from class tells her that Kyle is the kind of guy where ‘no means yes,’ but Ella swears to her that he’s harmless.

 

In the coming weeks, Yasmeen continues to avoid the elephant in the room when she’s home with Jessica, until one night she’s hanging out with a group of her college friends. One girl tells her that Yasmeen needs to stop trying so hard to identify herself, and to stop doubting that Jessica won’t love her despite how Yasmeen feels about intercourse. Yasmeen is upset in herself after her friend’s eye-opening advice, and decides that there’s no excuse anymore on why she can’t slowly give herself over to her girlfriend.

 

Jade is happy for Yasmeen’s realization, even though Jade isn’t happy at the moment. She started seeing a guy named Trey, who she thought would satisfy her craving for someone more exciting to be around, but he doesn’t. And the longer she’s with Trey, the more she wishes he was Adam, but she convinces herself that she doesn’t deserve him after all that she’s done. It’s not until Jade loses her virginity with Trey, that the whole façade she had been maintaining, collapses in on itself.

 

The following days that pass are difficult. The internal struggles within Stephanie’s family, especially her Mother, are weighing her down. She knows that she needs to piece together some of the wreckage from past arguments, but having a healthy relationship again is a two-way street. In addition to that, when Prom finally comes around, Chris confesses that he doesn’t want to have sex with Stephanie on that night. While it’s disappointing after all that she had built up in her head for it, Stephanie understands. Chris wants their moment to be special, and sneaking into a random bedroom at a random person’s apartment during a party, just isn’t that for him.

 

During the same time, college for Ella is coming to a close, and the last party before the semester ends, Ella wants to spend it with her friends. Though the past few weeks had been stressful, the year is ending in the best way possible, well…until it’s not. At the party, Ella is immensely drunk and happens to run into Kyle, who she had been trying to steer clear from for a while. Once Kyle has Ella in his sights though, he grabs her, pulling her into a separate room where he mocks her by saying, “I thought this is what you wanted,” and attempts to rape her. Luckily, just before ‘attempt’ becomes ‘succeeded,’ her friend Max saves her, and punches Kyle in the face in the process.

 

Yasmeen and Jessica inevitably have their moment, and to Yasmeen’s ridiculously pleasant surprise, she finds that she loved every minute of it. While things are going well for the couple though, Yasmeen and Jade have had a bit of a falling out. However, when Jade skips work for a few days, Yasmeen gets worried, and after having not talked to her friend for a while, Yasmeen gives in and contacts her.

 

Jade had been home due to her emotional turbulence after everything with Trey. When Yasmeen asks to see her, Jade is hesitant, but agrees none-the-less. She can’t deny that she needs her friend. When they do meet up, they talk everything over, and Jade finally admits that while she’s not expecting to be with Adam, she does owe him an explanation and apology. The following day at work, when Jade does manage to talk with the aforementioned guy, he admits that he’s hurt by a lot of what she said, but also respects her for being honest about it. They decide that if things are to ever work out between them, they need to rebuild their friendship again first.

 

With Prom Night thankfully in the past, Stephanie focuses on her next event, which is her Graduation Party. She hopes that all her family will be there, because she’s planning to use that time together to finally address the major issues they all have. Between her absentee father, estranged brother, and careless Mother, she wants to break the ice that’s holding them all hostage to their problems. While things aren’t better, they’re starting to feel okay again for Stephanie as her Mother at least communicates with her now. On top of that, the night before her Graduation Party, Chris and Stephanie finally take the leap, and lose their virginities to each other.

 

The next day at the Graduation Party, Ella arrives as Stephanie’s best friend from camp, who’s progressively pulling herself back together after the incident, as well as wanting to see a therapist. Yasmeen appears with Jessica, who happens to be Stephanie’s cousin, and after them, Jade comes with Adam who’s Stephanie’s estranged brother. To the four girls surprise at already knowing one another, they all laugh over the odd coincidence. And for the first time in a long time, they’re all genuinely happy.

 

In the middle of the party, Stephanie leaves the group of girls, and gives a speech about how this year has been difficult, but she feels she’s honestly prepared for the next chapter in her life, as she goes away to college. She also talks about how despite everything, she also loves her family very much. When the speech is finished, and Stephanie steps away from the podium she had been talking into, her Mother, Father, and Brother pull her into a hug. Tangled in their embrace, her Mother promises to them, “We’re gonna be okay,” and for Stephanie, that’s all the reassurance she needs. 



#2 hannahb712

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 12:20 PM

Still need help, if anyone's interested  :smile:



#3 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 03:48 PM

Let me start by saying that your genre is not at all what I normally read, so I'm way out of my element here. Take my comments with a healthy dose of skepticism.

 

One general comment is that I found it difficult to keep straight your many MCs. Then when you introduce their partners it becomes impossible to line up which one is with which other. Making it even more challenging, you skip around from one to the next quite a lot. I had to constantly go back and find the first time someone was mentioned or risk total confusion. I do not think an agent will be so patient. I really had to struggle with many of these issues in my synopsis, which also has four MCs. One I left out completely and the synopsis may still be very confusing.

 

The key takeaway from all that is to simplify. Make it as easy and clean a read as possible for the agent.

 

Another general comment is that you do a lot of telling and not enough showing. This contributes to characters with less depth and feeling.

 

Specific comments follow.

 

I hope this helps. Perhaps you'll take a look at my synopsis, RIVER PLATE BASIN.  

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________

 

With all the courage that seventeen-year-old Stephanie Andrews (CAPs the first time you mention a character) can muster, she asks her Mother a question, “When is the right time to start haveing sex?” As unfortunately expected, of her stubborn parent, her volatile Mother quickly turns the situation volatilearound, crushing Stephanie’s hopes for understanding an answer. Left without guidance, Stephanie confides shares her uncertainty with in her best friend Ella O’Connor (CAPS) on when is the right time to go there with her boyfriend, but Ella she is on the opposite side of things. Opposite side of things does not work. I do not see how anyone can be on the opposite side of an unanswered question. How about 'no help either.' By the end of the first para, you want to have the agent hooked and wanting to read more. With this opening, I'm not hooked.

 

As a sophomore in college, Ella just wants to lose her virginity already. While Though it really doesn’t matter with whom (grammar check), she does happen to have her sights set on Kyle (CAPS). Ella’s roommate thinks she’s crazy for wanting to lose it to the most sexually active frat boy on campus, but Ella doesn’t care about what’s in his past that. She just wants to use him for what she needs sex, and leave.

 

Yasmeen Carters (CAPS) has had sex, with men, but she’s struggling with going taking that next step with her current girlfriend, Jessica (CAPS). Yasmeen is worried that she her partner won’t like it having sex still, and that Jessica she could leave her because of it. So, despite her girlfriend’s Jessica's wishes in to doing more, she continues to stay Yasmeen remains abstinent. Jade Rivera (CAPS) doesn’t understand her friend’s that decision, but she has her own issues to worry about when Adam (CAPS) at from work, asks her out on a date. It’s no secret that he’s been pining after Jade for a while now, and even though Yasmeen tells her to go for it, Jade can’t. In her eyes, Adam (CAPS) is ‘husband material,’ and she’s too young for someone ready to settle down. I think you need to explain the relationship between Jade and Y & Je, and also to connect the three characters introduced in this para with S and E that you introduced previously. It is a lot of people to keep straight in a synopsis. 

 

As the weeks go on, Stephanie and her Mother are at a stalemate, but regardless of what her Mother thinks, Stephanie’s going to do it has decided that the right time is now. She’s going to have sex with Chris (CAPS), and as suggested by her friend Emmy suggested, she’s going to do it on Prom Night. However, Chris doesn’t seem to be as ready to make things happen as Stephanie is, so and it’s taking some time to warm him up to the idea. Ella too is having issues, after coming to realize that maybe giving it away to just anybody isn’t really the best idea anymore. However, Kyle doesn’t get the hint, as and he keeps pursuing Ella her aggressively. Ella’s friend from class tells her that Kyle is the kind of guy where ‘no means yes,’ but Ella swears to her thinks that he’s harmless.

 

In the coming weeks, Yasmeen continues to avoid the elephant in the room when she’s home with Jessica, until one night she’s hanging out with a group of her college friends. I thought she was still in college. Anyway, it does not appear to be critical to the story and can be left out. One girl tells her that Yasmeen needs to stop trying so hard to identify herself, From what you said above, it is not about Y trying to identify herself. It is about her being afraid of losing Je if the sex is bad.  and to stop doubting that Jessica won’t love her despite how Yasmeen feels about intercourse. After this sentence it is unclear to me if the issue between Y and Je is if Je will like sex with Y, Y's need to identify herself (whatever that is) or Y's feelings about intercourse. This seems to be critical to the story and needs to be clear.   Yasmeen is upset in with herself after her friend’s eye-opening advice, and decides that there’s no excuse anymore on why she can’t slowly give herself over to her girlfriend.

 

Jade is happy for Yasmeen’s realization, even though Jade she isn’t happy at the moment. She started seeing a guy named Trey (CAPS), who she thought would satisfy her craving for someone more exciting to be around, but he doe  isn’t. And the longer she’s with Trey, the more she wishes he was Adam, but she convinces herself that she doesn’t deserve him (which 'him' Trey or Adam?) after all that she’s done (What has she done?). It’s not until Jade loses her virginity with Trey, that the whole façade (What façade is that?) she had been maintaining, collapses in on itself. Lots of loose ends in this para.

 

The following days that pass are difficult (for whom? You go on to explain that it is S, but I first thought it was Jade, because of the preceeding para.). The internal struggles within Stephanie’s family, especially her Mother, are weighing her (who, S or her mom?) down. She (same question) knows that she needs to piece together some of the wreckage from past arguments, but having rebuilding a healthy relationship again is a two-way street. In addition to that, when Prom night finally comes around, Chris confesses that he doesn’t want to have sex with Stephanie on that night. While it’s disappointing to have her expectations dashed after all that she had built up in her head for it, Stephanie understands. Chris wants their moment to be special, and sneaking into a random bedroom at a random person’s apartment during a party, just isn’t how he wants it to be that for him.

 

During the same timeMeanwhile, college for Ella is coming to a close, and at the last party before the semester ends, Ella wants to spend it the last party of the semester with her friends. Though the past few weeks had been stressful (Why?), the year is ending in the best way possible, well…until it’s not. At the party, Ella is immensely drunk and happens to run into Kyle, who she had been trying to steer clear fromof for a while. Once Kyle has Ella in his sights though, he grabs her, pulling her into a separate room where he mocks her, by saying, “I thought this is what you wanted,” and attempts to rape her. Luckily, just before ‘attempt’ becomes ‘succeeded,’ her friend Max (CAPS) saves her, and punches Kyle in the face in the process.

 

Yasmeen and Jessica inevitably have their moment, and to Yasmeen’s ridiculously pleasant surprise, she finds that she loved every minute of it. I thought the issue was Je liking it, or not. While things are going well for the couple though, Yasmeen and Jade have had a bit of a falling out. The relationship between them was never clear to me, so them falling out makes no sense. However, when Jade skips work for a few days, Yasmeen gets worried., and aAfter having not talkinged to her friend for a while, Yasmeen gives in and contacts reaches out to her.

 

Jade had been home due to her emotional turbulence after everything with Trey. When Yasmeen asks to see her, Jade is hesitant, but agrees none-the-less. She can’t deny that she needs her friend. When they do meet up, they talk everything over, and Jade finally admits that while she’s not expecting to be with Adam, she does owe him an explanation and apology. The following day at work, when Jade does manages to talk with the aforementioned guy him, he admits that he’s hurt by a lot of what she said, but also respects her for being honest about it. They decide that if things are to ever work out between them, they need to rebuild their friendship again first.

 

With Prom Night thankfully in the past, Stephanie focuses on her next event, which is her Graduation Party. She hopes that all her family will be there, because she’s planning to use that time together to finally address the major issues they all have Besides those with her mother, you have not shown any of these until now. Between her absentee father, estranged brother, and careless Mother, This is telling not showing. she wants to break the ice chains that’s are holding them all hostage to their problems. While things aren’t better, they’re starting to feel okay again for Stephanie as her Mother at least communicates with her now More telling. On top of that, the night before her Graduation Party, Chris and Stephanie finally take the leap, and lose their virginities to each other. Still more....

 

The next day at the Graduation Party, Ella arrives as Stephanie’s best friend (Is this someone new?) from camp (What camp?), who’s progressively pulling herself back together after the incident What incident is that?, as well as wanting to see a therapist. Yasmeen appears with Jessica, who happens to be Stephanie’s cousin, I think you should have said this when you first introduced S or Je. and after them, Jade comes with Adam who’s Stephanie’s estranged brother That too should be clear from early on, not now at the end. To the four girls surprise at already knowing one another, they all laugh over the odd coincidence. I see what you are trying to do, but it does not work for me. Why is it a surprise or coincidence that they know each other? Either they do or they don't. And f For the first time in a long time, they’re all genuinely happy.

 

In the middle of the party, Stephanie leaves the group of girls, and gives a speech (if she leaves the group, who does whe give the speech to?) about how this year has been difficult, but that she feels she’s honestly prepared for the next chapter in her life, as she goes away to college. I think you should have explained when you first introduced S that she was in high school. She also talks about how, despite everything, she also still loves her family very much. When the speech she is finished, and Stephanie steps away from the podium she had been talking into, her Mmother, Ffather, and Bbrother pull her into a hug. Tangled in their embrace, her Mmother promises to them, “We’re gonna be okay,” and for Stephanie, that’s all the reassurance she needs. This comes across a little hollow. Apart from a bad relationship with her mom, I have no understanding why the year has been difficult, what 'despite everything' refers to, and what it is that S needs reassurance about. She did not have sex with her boyfriend when she wanted to, but did later. She has a difficult relationship with her mom, but they appeared to have tried to reconcile that (the two way street comment). So what is all the fuss about? We do learn in the third to the last para that her father is absentee and her brother is estranged. That is probably important to the story, but was only one sentence toward the end without any depth to it (you told and did not show), so it is a stretch to think that that is what you are really talking about when, on the other hand, you have gone on at great length about E and Je and J and Y, yet they are not even mentioned.

 



#4 hannahb712

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 05:45 PM

Thank you so much for taking the time to edit! You made a lot of really great points, so hopefully I've made the right adjustments! And yes, I will definitely check out yours, as well! :smile:

 

______________

 

With all the courage that seventeen-year-old STEPHANIE ANDREWS can muster, she asks her Mother, “When is the right time to havsex?” (I'm only leaving this just because it's the way it is in the story!) As expected, her volatile parent quickly turns the situation around, crushing Stephanie’s hopes for an answer. Left without guidance, Stephanie decides to take matters into her own hards, regardless of her Mother's opinion, and sets a goal to lose her virginity with her boyfriend, as soon as possible. 

 

However, despite Stephanie's momentary confidence, it quickly fades to the point that she's still left with doubt, and confesses her uncertainty with her best friend ELLA O'CONNOR. Ella though, a sophomore in college, has no experience to share from. She wants to lose her virginity as well, but unlike Stephanie, Ella's looking for a quick fix to her 'problem.' And while it truly doesn’t matter with whom, she does happen to have her sights set on KYLE, a promiscuous frat boy at her college. Ella’s roommate thinks she’s crazy for wanting to lose it to the most sexually active guy on campus, but Ella doesn’t really care about his reputation. She just wants to use him for sex, and leave.

 

Unlike her friends, YASMEEN CARTERS has had sex with men, but it was awful. And due to her experiences, she’s struggling with taking that step with her current girlfriend, JESSICA. Yasmeen is concerned that her feelings towards sex are more related to her pending sexuality, rather than the people she's slept with, and fears sex with Jess could be just as doomed. Despite Jessica's wish to do more, Yasmeen remains abstinent, too afraid to risk their relationship over the unknown. Because it's true, Yasmeen could find out that she likes sex with Jess. Or she could find out that regardless of the gender she's with, Yasmeen doesn't like sex at all. JADE RIVERA, Yasmeen's friend from her internship, doesn’t understand Yasmeen's choice, but Jade has her own issues to worry about when ADAM, who they also work with, asks Jade on a date. It’s no secret that he’s been pining after Jade for a while now, and even though Yasmeen tells her to go for it, Jade can’t. In her eyes, Adam is ‘husband material,’ and she’s too young for someone ready to settle down. 

 

As the weeks go on, Stephanie and her Mother are at a stalemate, but regardless of what her Mother thinks, Stephanie has decided that the right time is now. She’s going to have sex with her boyfriend, and as suggested by her close friend from high school, she’s going to do it on prom night. However, a kink in the plan occurs, when Stephanie's boyfriend doesn’t seem to be as ready as Stephanie is, and is taking some time to warm up to the idea. Over at college, Ella too is having issues, after coming to realize that maybe giving it away to just anybody isn’t really the best idea. However, Kyle doesn’t get the hint, and keeps pursuing her aggressively. Yasmeen, Ella’s friend from class, tells her that Kyle is the kind of guy where ‘no means yes,’ but Ella tries to convince her that he’s harmless. 

 

In the coming weeks, Yasmeen continues to avoid the elephant in the room when she’s home with Jessica, until one night she’s hanging out with a group of her friends from school. One girl tells Yasmeen that she needs to stop trying so hard to identify herself, and to stop doubting that Jessica won’t love her despite how Yasmeen feels about intercourse. Yasmeen is upset with herself after her friend’s eye-opening advice, and decides that there’s no excuse anymore why she can’t slowly give herself over to her girlfriend.

 

Jade is happy for Yasmeen’s realization, even though she isn’t happy at the moment. The past weeks for Jade had been hard as Jade avoiding Adam like the plague, so that she didn't have to face his feelings. During the same time, Jade sought out another guy, someone she thought would satisfy her craving for reckless abandon. Except he didn't. And the longer Jade was with him, the more she wished he was Adam. However, Jade convinces herself that she doesn’t deserve Adam after all that she had done to ignore his feelings, and decides to keep her own emotions bottled inside. It only works so long, until Jade loses her virginity with the other man, that the whole charade she had been maintaining, collapses in on itself. 

 

Stephanie is no better, as the internal struggles between her and her Mother, are weighing her down. She knows that she needs to piece together some of the wreckage from past arguments, but building a healthy relationship is a two-way street. In addition to the growing disappointment Stephanie feels towards her mom, prom night finally arrives, only to have CHRIS admit that he doesn’t want to have sex with Stephanie while they're drunk. It’s upsetting for Stephanie to have her expectations crushed, but she understands. Chris wants their moment to be special, and sneaking into a random bedroom at a random person’s apartment during a prom after party, just isn’t how he wants it to be.

 

Meanwhile, college for Ella is coming to a close, and Ella wants to spend the last party of the semester with her closest friends. Though the past few weeks had been filled with the constant stress of studying, the year is ending in the best way possible, well…until it’s not. At the party, Ella is immensely drunk and happens to run into Kyle, who she had been trying to steer clear of for a while. Once Kyle has Ella in his sights though, he grabs her, and pulls her into a separate room where he mocks her by saying, “I thought this is what you wanted.” At his malicious comment, Kyle attempts to rape Ella. Luckily, just before ‘attempt’ becomes ‘succeed,’ one of Ella's friends saves her, and punches Kyle in the face in the process.

 

During the same time, Jade cracks under the weight of her decision to lose her virginity to someone she never cared about, and stays home from work. When Yasmeen asks to come over, Jade finally admits all that she's felt these past months. How she didn't think she was ready to be in a serious relationship with Adam, but she had always had some sort of feelings for him regardless. And though she’s not expecting Adam to want to be with her anymore, Jade acknowledges that she does owe him an apology and explanation for her actions. Yasmeen supports Jade's decision, and so the following day at work, Jade manages to talk with him during a break. Adam admits that he’s hurt by a lot of what Jade said, but also respects her for being honest about it. They decide that if things are to ever work out between them, they need to rebuild their friendship again first and foremost.

 

With prom night thankfully in the past, Stephanie doesn't have much to focus on, until her Mother offers up throwing her a Graduation Party. Surprised by the gesture of trust from her mom, Stephanie agrees, hoping it'll begin to mend the fractures of their relationship. As the final week passes, things starts to feel okay for Stephanie as her Mother at least tries to communicates with her, through arranging the party. As the disappointment Stephanie had felt so heavily before, slowly ebbs away, she allows herself to focus back on her boyfriend. And on a night of loving confessions, he finally agrees he's ready, and together they lose their last bit of innocence. 

 

The day of the Graduation Party, Stephanie feels for the first time, that after graduating high school, things will actually be okay. However, she doesn't have time to linger on her thoughts as her best friend, Ella arrives. Ella is progressively pulling herself back together after the attempted rape, as well as wanting to see a therapist, but she comes to Stephanie's party better than she has been in weeks. While they're talking, Ella's cousin Jessica joins their group with her girlfriend Yasmeen, who apparently knows Ella from one of their college classes. As they talk about the weird coincide, Stephanie's brother- Adam, introduces the girl he brought along. When Stephanie brings Jade over to introduce her to the group of girls she had just left behind, she's even more shocked at the fact that once again, they seem to know one another. This time finding out that Jade works with Yasmeen. The five girls laugh at the bizarre occurrence, and while none of them are truly aware, it's the first time in a while, they’re all genuinely happy.

 

During the middle of the party, Stephanie is pulled from the group by her mother, who has a podium stand ready for her to give a speech from. All the party attendees gather around, as her mother tells of how proud she is of Stephanie, and how she's growing up into a beautiful young woman, without her mother's help. Her mother's meaningful words procure Stephanie to do the same, quickly standing up to tell her family and friends about how she's had difficulties this past year, but she feels she’s honestly prepared for the next chapter in her life, college. She also talks about how, despite everything, she still loves her family very much. When she finishes, her mother pulls her into a hug. And as they're tangled in the embrace, her mother promises aloud, “We’re gonna be okay,” and for Stephanie, that's all the reassurance she needs. 







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