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Midgrade fantasy, will return critiques


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#1 Calico041

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 07:26 PM

Dear (Agent),

 

For five spunky cousins, what begins as a typical summer day on their grandmother’s farm quickly becomes the adventure of a lifetime when they tumble through an old wishing well and land in a world populated by quirky characters, breathtaking scenery, and unimaginable evil.

 

Margot Chadwick and he four cousins have always loved adventure. Growing up roaming the rolling hills and deep valleys of their Grandmother’s farm, they always yearned to discover another land, just like in their storybooks. One day, the five cousins find an old-fashioned wishing well that they’ve never seen on the property before. When the youngest, Holly, makes a wish, the children are whisked away to the enchanted realm of Soltaria. Not long after arriving in this strange new world the youngest cousin, Holly, is kidnapped by Kali, a fearsome villain who embodies fear itself. Margot, our fiercely independent, slightly bossy, and altogether fearless protagonist, has read every great adventure story known to man and decides to take her siblings on a wild journey across an unknown land to save their cousin. Along the way they are joined by a genius princess who is afraid to leave her castle, a warrior who is destined for greatness but is still struggling through the many challenges of being twelve years old, Pelli the fearful dragon, and a goddess of time embodied in an irascible eleven year girl whose vocabulary could put an Oxford professor to shame. While the company travels across the kingdoms of Soltaria they are faced with a growing evil in the south, and creature that stalk the children by night. As the evil grows stronger the children begin to wonder if they will ever reach Holly, or if their fears will get the best of them.

 

THE WAY HOME is a midgrade fantasy novel, completed at 55,000 words. Fans of THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and THE PENDERWICKS will enjoy this playful romp through a wonderfully strange land that delves into the true meaning of family, friendship, fear, and the unparalleled magic of being a child.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration,

Morgan Smith



#2 Testome

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 07:51 PM



Dear (Agent),

 

For five spunky cousins, what begins as a typical summer day on their grandmother’s farm quickly becomes the adventure of a lifetime when they tumble through an old wishing well and land in a world populated by quirky characters, breathtaking scenery, and unimaginable evil. I would suggest showing this instead of telling. This hook could also use more of your unique spin on this trope.

 

Margot Chadwick and he four cousins have always loved adventure. Growing up roaming the rolling hills and deep valleys of their Grandmother’s farm, they always yearned to discover another land, just like in their storybooks. One day, the five cousins find an old-fashioned wishing well that they’ve never seen on the property before.  This seems like a bit of backtracking here after your hook.When the youngest, Holly, makes a wish, the children are whisked away to the enchanted realm of Soltaria. Not long after arriving in this strange new world the youngest cousin, Holly, is kidnapped by Kali, a fearsome villain who embodies fear itself. I would show this instead of telling. It will have more impact.Margot, our fiercely independent, slightly bossy, and altogether fearless protagonist, I would rather be shown this in her actions.has read every great adventure story known to man and decides to take her siblings on a wild journey across an unknown land to save their cousin. Along the way they are joined by a genius princess who is afraid to leave her castle, a warrior who is destined for greatness but is still struggling through the many challenges of being twelve years old, Pelli the fearful dragon, and a goddess of time embodied in an irascible eleven year girl whose vocabulary could put an Oxford professor to shame. This is all just needless character introduction. You should stick to the story.While the company travels across the kingdoms of Soltaria they are faced with a growing evil in the south, and creature that stalk the children by night. As the evil grows stronger the children begin to wonder if they will ever reach Holly, or if their fears will get the best of them. This last sentence is a bit too vague.

 

THE WAY HOME is a midgrade fantasy novel, completed at 55,000 words. Fans of THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and THE PENDERWICKS will enjoy this playful romp through a wonderfully strange land that delves into the true meaning of family, friendship, fear, and the unparalleled magic of being a child.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration,

Morgan Smith

I would recommend cutting out all the character intro, give us more plot details. and less telling. You've wasted a chunk of your wc just on character intro here. 



#3 Adelle_Yeung

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 08:43 PM

Dear (Agent),

 

For five spunky cousins, what begins as a typical summer day on their grandmother’s farm quickly becomes the adventure of a lifetime when they tumble through an old wishing well and land in a magical world populated by quirky characters, breathtaking scenery, and unimaginable evil.

 

Margot Chadwick and he four cousins have always loved adventure. Growing up roaming the rolling hills and deep valleys of their Grandmother’s farm, they always yearned to discover another land, just like in their storybooks. One day, the five cousins find an old-fashioned wishing well that they’ve never seen on the property before. When Margot's youngest cousin, the youngest, Holly, makes a wishes, on a wishing well, Margot and her siblings the children are whisked away to the enchanted realm of Soltaria. Not long after arriving in this strange new world the youngest cousin, Holly, is kidnapped by Kali, Soon, a fearsome villain who embodies fear itself kidnaps Holly. Margot, our fiercely independent, slightly bossy, and altogether fearless protagonist, has read every great adventure story known to man and decides to takes her siblings on a wild journey across an unknown land to save their cousin. Along the way they are joined by a genius princess who is afraid to leave her castle, a warrior who is destined for greatness but is still struggling through the many challenges of being twelve years old, Pelli the fearful dragon, and a goddess of time embodied in an irascible eleven year girl whose vocabulary could put an Oxford professor to shame.(They all sound fascinating, but how do they add to the plot?) While the company travels across the kingdoms of Soltaria tThey encounter are faced with a growing evil in the south, and a creature that stalks the children by night. As the evil grows stronger tThe children begin to wonder if they will ever reach rescue Holly, or if their fears will get the best of them.

 

THE WAY HOME is a middle grade fantasy novel, completed at 55,000 words. Fans of THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and THE PENDERWICKS will enjoy this playful romp through a wonderfully strange land that delves into the true meaning of family, friendship, fear, and the unparalleled magic of being a child.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration,

Morgan Smith

 

 

I've pared down your plot to your key characters, the inciting incident, and the stakes. If no one actively plays upon the plot, they aren't necessary. Try to use more active verbs. You could do with adding some voice, too, once you've got a solid foundation.






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