Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Phoenix Squad (NA Sci-Fi)


  • Please log in to reply
24 replies to this topic

#21 Faegheh

Faegheh

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 50 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAsia

Posted 05 July 2017 - 01:36 AM

Thanks for the feedback. New draft.

 

Chuck Carlyle starts college with normal expectations: classes, clubs, and the occasional party. His telekinetic and telepathic abilities aren’t making things easy, though. His control over these abilities is haphazard at best, but he soon learns that’s the least of his problems. (I think it's better if you mention his abilities in the first sentence.)                                 

 

Just as Chuck settles into the college routine, he encounters extremists of his kind attempting to steal an ancient artifact from a museum (What is this artifact? Why is it important?). Between a destroyed museum and a near dead patron, he sees firsthand how destructive powers can be in the wrong hands. A rash decision puts Chuck and his friends right in the extremists’ warpath. In the middle of the chaos, he discovers a hidden ability to copy powers used on him, which ruins the fragile control he had on his powers. This was not the class trip he was expecting.

 

Chuck searches for answers and finds that the map (What map? You mean the artifact? You better mention it when you talk about some people stealing it.) is the key to enhancing powers to unstoppable levels. The only thing standing in the way of the extremists’ plot for the fall of ordinary humanity is the map’s counterpart. It’s coming to the most secure museum in San Francisco in a month. Chuck has to get to it first. But between the onslaught of school assignments, Chuck barely has time to sleep, let alone save the world (Is it really important that he doesn't have time for school? It doesn't feel like it's a big conflict.). And it’s not like he can explain to everyone that he failed out of school to rob a museum.

 

Chuck is given an out. If he doesn't interfere with the extremists' plans, he's guaranteed safety for him and his friends. But he couldn't possibly leave the fate of humanity in their hands. If he doesn't learn to control his powers and come up with a suitable game plan in time, he might not have a choice. 

I think you need to add some details about the artifact. You say Chuck can't control his powers. Has Chuck ever hurt anyone or caused a problem because he can't control his powers? If there is something like that, I think you should mention it, briefly. But hey, I'm no expert. I may be wrong.

Good luck :)



#22 bkarperien

bkarperien

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 128 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 05 July 2017 - 11:30 AM

Thanks for the feedback. New draft.

 

Chuck Carlyle starts college with normal expectations: new friends, classes, clubs, and the occasional party. His telekinetic and telepathic abilities aren’t making things easy, though, especially considering his control over them is haphazard at best. But any hope for a normal college experience is dashed when he encounters extremists of his kind attempting to steal an ancient artifact from a museum. Between a destroyed museum and a near dead patron, he sees firsthand how destructive powers can be in the wrong hands.

You could take that whole middle part out, it doesn't really add anything.  I would add something about Chuck's friends helping him, though.

 

Searching for answers about what he's seen, Chuck discovers that the artifact the extremists stole is needed for a plot to destroy all humanity, and the only thing standing in their way is the artifact's counterpart. It’s coming to the most secure museum in San Francisco (Are we in SF? I'd just say in the city) in a month. Chuck has to get to it first. But between the onslaught of school assignments, Chuck barely has time to sleep, let alone save the world. And it’s not like he can explain to everyone that he failed out of school to rob a museum. (Haha! Love this line.)

 

But just when all seems lost, Chuck is given a way out. If he doesn't interfere with the extremists' plans, he's guaranteed safety for him and his friends. But he couldn't possibly leave the fate of humanity in their hands. If he doesn't learn to control his powers and come up with a suitable game plan in time, he might not have a choice. 

I hope some of that helps. I thought the hook was great, it was just the middle that got a little lost. Best of luck with revisions.


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#23 lyncfs

lyncfs

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 54 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 09 July 2017 - 09:27 PM

Thanks for the feedback. Here's my latest version.

 

Chuck Carlyle starts college with normal expectations: classes, clubs, and the occasional party. His telekinetic and telepathic abilities aren’t making things easy, though. His control over these abilities is haphazard at best, but he soon learns that’s the least of his problems.  ​(can you condense these 3 sentences into one? I like how you trick the reader and say Chuck starts out with normal expectations but then you add in a twist)                                  

 

Just as Chuck settles into the college routine, he encounters extremists of his kind ​(using the word extremists is a bit vague. It makes me think of terrorists. Can you be more specific? What are their goals other than the artifact and what do they want to use it for). attempting to steal an ancient artifact from a museum. He sees firsthand how destructive powers can be in the wrong hands, powers that leave significant damage to the museum and a patron almost dead. ​(this sentence is a bit passive. What exactly happens at the museum?)A rash decision puts Chuck and his friends right in their warpath. In the middle of the chaos, he discovers a hidden ability, which ruins the fragile control he had on his powers. This was not the class trip he was expecting. ​(ok, so they were on a class trip. This is a lot of vagueness. Start with the class trip and get into the details. This is starting to remind me of Riordin's Red Pyramid series.)

 

Chuck searches for answers and finds that the artifact can unlock an unstoppable force ​(what is it?). The only thing standing in the way of the extremists’ plot for the fall of ordinary humanity is the artifact’s counterpart. It’s  coming (Passive) to the most secure museum in the city. Chuck has to get to it first. But between the onslaught of school assignments and job obligations, Chuck barely has time to sleep, let alone save the world. They don’t teach a class on that.​ (I still don't get why is Chuck the only one who can get the artifact. What makes him special?)

 

Chuck’s only chance for success is for him to learn to control his powers. Maybe then life can return to normal.

 

Your query is too vague. The museum and telekinesis part is interesting but I don't feel a connection to Chuck at all. You also spend a lot of time explaining the plot but not getting into what is at stake for Chuck.


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#24 jjohnson

jjohnson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 03 August 2017 - 04:44 PM

Hi guys. I'm back with my latest draft. You guys are an invaluable help. I'm still struggling with getting across the stakes. If you have any tips, please share. I will be getting to returning the critiques to those I already haven't. Thanks.

 

 

 

Chuck Carlyle starts college with normal expectations: classes, clubs, new friends, and the occasional party, but his telekinetic and telepathic abilities aren’t making things easy, though, especially since his control over these abilities is haphazard at best.                                    

 

But any dream for a normal college experience is dashed when a couple of zealots of his kind interrupt his art class trip at a museum to steal an ancient painting. They lay waste to the museum and non-powered humanity is next on their list. Chuck and his friend barely escape the encounter. In the middle of the chaos, Chuck discovers a hidden ability to copy powers used on him, which ruins the fragile control he had on his powers. This was not the class trip he was expecting.

 

Chuck discovers that the painting is the key to enhancing powers to unstoppable levels. The only thing standing in the way of the zealots’ plot for the fall of humanity is the painting’s counterpart. It will be at the most secure museum in the city in a month. Chuck has to get to it first. But between the onslaught of school assignments, Chuck barely has time to sleep, let alone save the world. And it’s not like he can explain to everyone that he failed out of school to rob a museum.

 

Chuck is given an out. If he doesn't interfere with the extremists' plans, he's guaranteed safety for him and his friends. But he couldn't possibly leave the fate of humanity in their hands. If he doesn't learn to control his powers and come up with a suitable game plan in time, he might not have a choice. 


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.


#25 Theo A. Gerken

Theo A. Gerken

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 102 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published
  • LocationEurope

Posted 04 August 2017 - 10:46 AM

Hi guys. I'm back with my latest draft. You guys are an invaluable help. I'm still struggling with getting across the stakes. If you have any tips, please share. I will be getting to returning the critiques to those I already haven't. Thanks.

 

 

 

Chuck Carlyle starts college with normal expectations: classes, clubs, new friends, and the occasional party, but his telekinetic and telepathic abilities aren’t making things easy, though, especially since his control over these abilities is haphazard at best.                                    

 

But any dream for a normal college experience is dashed when a couple of zealots of his kind interrupt his art class trip at a museum to steal an ancient painting. They lay waste to the museum and non-powered humanity is next on their list. Chuck and his friend barely escape the encounter. In the middle of the chaos, Chuck discovers a hidden ability to copy powers used on him, which ruins the fragile control he had on his powers. This was not the class trip he was expecting.

 

Chuck discovers that the painting is the key to enhancing powers to unstoppable levels. The only thing standing in the way of the zealots’ plot for the fall of humanity is the painting’s counterpart. It will be at the most secure museum in the city in a month. Chuck has to get to it first. But between the onslaught of school assignments, Chuck barely has time to sleep, let alone save the world. And it’s not like he can explain to everyone that he failed out of school to rob a museum.

 

Chuck is given an out. If he doesn't interfere with the extremists' plans, he's guaranteed safety for him and his friends. But he couldn't possibly leave the fate of humanity in their hands. If he doesn't learn to control his powers and come up with a suitable game plan in time, he might not have a choice. 

 

 

The last paragraph is the weakest, I think. Hmm. There is something missing but I can't articulate what. It doesn't feel immediate or primal enough. He seems a little bit like... a blank slate? We don't know anything about him. Any character quirks? Right now, to me, it sounds like an okay book, but it doesn't sound like a great book.


Return the favour?? Link my query here.





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users