Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Back Forest (Thriller) Synopsis -- will reciprocate (latest in #7)


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 jscottboyd

jscottboyd

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 28 April 2017 - 09:06 PM

Two years ago, fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON’S psychotherapist father went to work one morning at the county jail and never returned. Jack refuses to believe his dad would abandon him. With his father gone, Jack’s mom has slipped into a depression, leaving Jack to fend for himself. Black Forest is a dangerous place to grow up sans guidance. It’s an isolated mountain town that attracts an underbelly of people mixed up in drugs, violence and racism. Jack’s spent the past two years smoking cigarettes, discovering girls and drugs with the help of his best friend CASH MCDERMID. They’re good kids, but on the edge. Cash is the son of a local drug dealer and a veteran in this parentless world Jack has only recently become a member of. Jack assumes he’ll never know what happened until he finds a file hidden in his father’s study.

 

The file is on ALEX FINN, a now deceased, skinhead charged with the murder of KYLE FOX, a local black high school basketball star. Finn was one of Jack’s father’s patients. Before being arrested, Alex Finn worked at the Black Forest Inn. Everyone in town knows the rumors about the Inn, in the 1930’s Nazi spies hid gold there to aid in the inevitable German invasion. As Finn was searching for a place to hide several hundred pills of MDMA at the Inn, he found something much more valuable — gold. Before Finn can get back to the gold he is arrested for the murder of Kyle Fox. Kyle alludes to something valuable being hidden with the MDMA to his former partner JASON ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. While Zufelt is trying to get Alex to reveal where he hid the MDMA and what’s hidden with it, MARCUS FOX, Kyle’s brother and a powerful gang member has Alex killed in jail to avenge his brother’s death.  
 
As Jack and Cash read the session notes in the file they find out that it was actually Zufelt that killed Kyle Fox. They also learn that Jack’s dad went to the Black Forest Inn the day he disappeared. They head to the Inn and find the MDMA and gold. Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, the MDMA makes its way back to Zufelt, and the trail leads Zufelt straight to Jack and Cash. Zufelt knows if they found the MDMA, they must have found what was hidden with it. Zufelt and his cronies are now on a desperate search to find Jack so they can get the gold. Zufelt sends one of his fellow gang members to find Jack and a fight breaks out and the skinhead ends up getting stabbed infuriating Zufelt. Jack and Cash hide out at a girlfriend’s house and hatch a plan that requires an unlikely alliance with Marcus Fox. Knowing Marcus had Alex killed, Jack figures he’d want to take care of Zufelt, who actually killed his brother. Jack is able to convince Marcus to hear him out and eventually he signs on and they land on a plan to lure Zufelt to a desolate location using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan does not go off without a hitch as both Jack and Cash are shot. Jack’s wound is minor, but Cash’s is more serious landing him in the ICU in critical condition. 
 
In the end Cash survives, but they no longer want anything to do with the gold they now associate with so much violence and hatred. They donate the gold to the Southern Poverty Law Center and to starting a basketball camp charity in Kyle Fox’s name urging Marcus to get out of the game and head it up. Jack ends up quitting smoking and focusing on bettering his relationship with his mom. Jack starts therapy with a colleague of his father’s and realizes it may take work, but he can foster the relationship he had with his dad with other people. 


#2 JoanB

JoanB

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 15 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I've developed and written for two blogs.

Posted 29 April 2017 - 06:18 PM

 

Two years ago, fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON’S--why all caps? psychotherapist father went to work one morning at the county jail and never returned. Jack refuses to believe his dad would abandon him. With his father gone, Jack’s mom has slipped into a depression, leaving Jack to fend for himself. Black Forest is a dangerous place to grow up sans without guidance. It’s an isolated mountain town that attracts an underbelly of people mixed up in drugs, violence and racism. Jack’s spent the past two years smoking cigarettes, discovering girls and drugs with the help of his best friend CASH MCDERMID . They’re good kids, but on the edge. Cash iJack's friend s the son of a local drug dealer and a veteran in this parentless world Jack has only recently become a member of joined. Jack assumes he’ll never know what happened until he finds a file hidden in his father’s study--not clear why he would assume this. Did someone say something to lead him to this conclusion?.

 

The file is on one of Jack's father's patients,  ALEX FINN, a now deceased, skinhead charged with the murder of KYLE FOX, a local black high school basketball star. Finn was one of Jack’s father’s patients. Before being arrested, Alex Finn worked at the Black Forest Inn. Everyone in town knows the rumors about the Inn, in the 1930’s Nazi spies hid gold there to aid in the inevitable German invasion. As Finn was searching for a place to hide several hundred pills of MDMA  ecstasy at the Inn, he found something much more valuable — gold.  Before Finn can get back to the gold he is arrested for the murder of Kyle Fox. Kyle do you mean Finn? alludes to something valuable being hidden with the MDMA to his former partner JASON ZUFELT,  Jason Zufelt a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopathHow do we know that Finn did all of this? Is it in is patient file??. While Zufelt is trying to get Alex to reveal where he hid the MDMA and what’s hidden with it,--is Zufelt in prison? MARCUS FOX Marcus Fox, brother of the basketball star and , Kyle’s brother and a powerful gang member has the skinhead killed in jail to avenge his brother’s death.  
 
As Jack and Cash read the session notes in the file they find out that it was actually Zufelt that killed Kyle Fox. They also learn that Jack’s dad went to the Black Forest Inn the day he disappeared. They head to the Inn and find the MDMA and gold. Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, the MDMA makes its way back to Zufelt, and the trail leads Zufelt straight to Jack and Cash. Zufelt knows if they found the MDMA, they must have found what was hidden with it. Zufelt and his cronies are now on a desperate search to find Jack so they can get the gold. Zufelt sends one of his fellow gang members to find Jack and a fight breaks out and the skinhead ends up getting stabbed infuriating Zufelt. Jack and Cash hide out at a girlfriend’s house and hatch a plan that requires an unlikely alliance with Marcus Fox. Knowing Marcus had Alex killed, Jack figures he’d want to take care of Zufelt, who actually killed his brother. Jack is able to convince Marcus to hear him out and eventually he signs on and they land on a plan to lure Zufelt to a desolate location using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan does not go off without a hitch as both Jack and Cash are shot. Jack’s wound is minor, but Cash’s is more serious landing him in the ICU in critical condition. 
 
In the end Cash survives, but they no longer want anything to do with the gold they now associate with so much violence and hatred. They donate the gold to the Southern Poverty Law Center and to starting a basketball camp charity in Kyle Fox’s name urging Marcus to get out of the game and head it up. Jack ends up quitting smoking and focusing on bettering his relationship with his mom. Jack starts therapy with a colleague of his father’s and realizes it may take work, but he can foster the relationship he had with his dad with other people. 

 



#3 JoanB

JoanB

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 15 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I've developed and written for two blogs.

Posted 29 April 2017 - 06:39 PM

Hi!

 

I had some questions and suggestions. First, I've read that it's best in a synopsis (less confusing to the agent) to name only three characters--the most important ones: protagonist, antagonist, and a third character who moves the story forward. In the case of your novel I'm guessing those are Jack, Jason, and Marcus. Other characters can be referred to, but not named. 

 

I marked up the first two paragraphs with a few editing suggestions and questions.

 

There's an awful lot going on in the third paragraph.  I had a hard time understanding how Zufelt, Marcus, and Jack intersect in the first place, but once they do it seems the action you describe will be quite gripping. The parts that confuse me are as follows: Why does Jack think that reading a particular patient file will help him figure out what happened to his father? How, if Alex Finn is already dead, do we find out about Finn's dealings with Zufelt and Marcus? Jack's not there to witness any of this, so is there a switch of POV? Also, though Jack finds out that his father went to the Black Forest Inn the day he disappeared, it's not clear how that plays out. Was he after the gold or ecstasy too?

 

I like the idea of Jack and his friend setting up an alliance with Marcus, and it's a great idea for them to try to convince him to go straight at the end.

 

I hope this is helpful--use whatever makes sense. Best of luck with this!

 

JoanB



#4 hannahb712

hannahb712

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 30 April 2017 - 05:40 PM

I'm going to make my comments in blue!

 

 

Two years ago, fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON’S psychotherapist father(comma) went to work one morning at the county jail and never returned. (Because your referencing something that happened two years ago, your sentences should be in past tense. However, a synopsis should be written in present tense, so add something like 'Since then' to the beginning of this following sentence.) Since then, Jack refuses to believe his dad would have abandoned him. With his father gone, Jack’s mom has slipped into a depression, leaving Jack to fend for himself. Black Forest is a dangerous place to grow up sans without guidance. It’s an isolated mountain town that attracts an underbelly of people mixed up in drugs, violence and racism. Jack’s spent the past two years smoking cigarettes, discovering girls and drugs with the help of his best friend CASH MCDERMID . They’re good kids, but on the edge. Cash iJack's friend s the son of a local drug dealer and a veteran in this parentless world Jack has only recently become a member of joined. Jack assumes he’ll never know what happened until he finds a file hidden in his father’s study--(I stopped editing because I want to make a comment. For your paragraph here, just stick to what the story is about. I'm assuming it's about Jack finding out what happened to his father, so solely focus on that here. Don't bring in additional friends or subplots yet. You don't have to say much about it, but just set the story)

 

The file is about one of Jack's father's patients,  ALEX FINN, a now deceased, skinhead charged with the murder of KYLE FOX, a local black high school basketball star. (Is knowing who he murdered important to the story at all? Because if not, then don't put the details in here. You have to keep your synopsis as short as possible, so don't add any information that isn't hugely important to the plot). Finn was one of Jack’s father’s patients. Before being arrested, Alex Finn worked at the infamous Black Forest Inn. Everyone in town knows the rRumors about the Inn began in the 1930’s(comma) when Nazi spies hid gold there to aid in the inevitable German invasion. As Finn was searching for a place to hide several hundred pills of MDMA  ecstasy at the Inn, he found something much more valuable — gold. (Maybe reword these two sentences because you say that the Nazi's stored gold at the Inn, and then you write about Finn finding the gold as if it was supposed to be surprising.) Before Finn can get back to the gold (comma) however, he is arrested for the murder of Kyle Fox. Kyle alludes to something valuable being hidden with the MDMA to his former partner JASON ZUFELT,  a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. You just said Kyle was murdered, and then are saying Kyle alluded to something. You should say "Before the death, Kyle had alluded." or something to that effect. Also, that line in general is a bit confusing because you're jumping from talking about gold back to the ecstasy. Which one is the one that is important? Focus on the one that matters most to this story line. Or maybe you're trying to insinuate that the gold is in the MDMA, but I still would change that sentence then. While Zufelt is trying to get Alex to reveal where he hid the MDMA and what’s hidden with it, MARCUS FOX , brother of the basketball star and , Kyle’s brother and a powerful gang member has the skinhead Zufeilt killed in jail to avenge his brother’s death.  (Maybe I'm misreading this, but you start the sentence in a way that sounds like Jason is interrogating Alex, and end it with Jason being killed in jail. So maybe clear that up. Also, don't interchange jail with prison, because they are different. So if he's in prison, keep it as prison.) 
 
As Jack and Cash read the session notes in the file they find out that it was actually Zufelt that killed Kyle Fox. They also learn that Jack’s dad went to the Black Forest Inn the day he disappeared. With this discovered information, they head to the Inn (comma) and finding the MDMA and gold. Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, the MDMA makes its way back to Zufelt, and the trail leads Zufelt straight to Jack and Cash. Zufelt knows if they found the MDMA, they must have found what was hidden with it. Zufelt and his cronies are now on a desperate search to find Jack so they can get the gold. Zufelt sends one of his fellow gang members to find Jack and a fight breaks out and the skinhead ends up getting stabbed infuriating Zufelt. Jack and Cash hide out at a girlfriend’s house and hatch a plan that requires an unlikely alliance with Marcus Fox. Knowing Marcus had Alex killed, Jack figures he’d want to take care of Zufelt, who actually killed his brother. Jack is able to convince Marcus to hear him out and eventually he signs on and they land on a plan to lure Zufelt to a desolate location using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan does not go off without a hitch as both Jack and Cash are shot. Jack’s wound is minor, but Cash’s is more serious landing him in the ICU in critical condition. (My comment for this is to simplify. Find what is extra detail or unneeded, and take it out.)
 
In the end Cash survives, but they no longer want anything to do with the gold they now associate with so much violence and hatred. They donate the gold to the Southern Poverty Law Center (comma) where they use the proceeds and to starting a charity basketball camp charity in Kyle Fox’s name (period)  urging Marcus to get out of the game and head it up.(This shouldn't be in that sentence, because it has nothing to do with donating the gold. It's a separate point so find somewhere else to place it.)  Jack ends up quitting smoking (Maybe I missed it, but you never mentioned that he smoked before, so don't add it here) and focusing on bettering his relationship with his mom. Jack starts therapy with a colleague of his father’s and realizes it may take work, but he can foster the relationship he had with his dad with other people. 
 
I think the best thing you need to do is figure out what the moral of the story is...is it uncovering what happened to his Dad? And if so, why? Why does Jack NEED to know what happened to his Dad? It just seems like in the beginning the story is mean to be about Jack finding out what happened to his Dad, but the rest of the summary really only talks about the gold at the Inn, and the gangs. And there's no apparent connection between the two. You last mention his Dad going into the Inn, but what happens with that? How does that connect to what is happening to Jack now? Also, simplify. There's a lot of stuff in here you don't actually need. Again, find what's the most important piece and focus on that. 

Hope this was helpful! I have a synopsis too, if you want to check it out! 
http://agentquerycon...for-some-help/  Once you've updated, I'll be happy to come back and look over your revised version!  :smile: 
 

 

 



#5 jscottboyd

jscottboyd

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 03 May 2017 - 01:14 PM

Thanks so much for the feedback. JoanB do you have a synopsis up for critique? If so can you send me the link? hannahb712 I read yours and offered some feedback.

 

The latest version of my synopsis is here. i know it still needs a lot of work. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

-----

 

 

It’s been two years since fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON’S father went missing. The cops say he left town, but Jack refuses to accept his dad would abandon him. Jack feels if he didn’t know his dad, then he will never truly know anyone. Following his father’s absence, Jack’s mom slipped into a depression, leaving Jack to fend for himself. Jack’s busied himself since his father’s disappearance smoking cigarettes, experimenting with girls and drugs and hanging out with the local drug dealer’s son. They’re good kids, but Black Forest’s seedier elements make it a dangerous place to grow up without guidance.

 

After two years of hearing nothing about his dad, Jack is searching his father’s study for enough change to buy a pack of smokes when he stumbles upon a hidden file. Jack’s father was a psychotherapist at the county jail and the file is from a former patient who was awaiting trial for the murder of a local star black athlete. Jack learns from the file that before being arrested, the patient worked at the Black Forest Inn. There has always been rumors about gold being hidden at the Inn and the patient claimed he found it. The patient continually proclaimed his innocence to Jack's father, but knowing he would never get out of jail, he shared the location of the gold with him in hopes something good could be done with it. 
 
As Jack reads the session notes he finds evidence placing his father at the Inn the day he disappeared. Jack finally has some proof that his father may not have abandoned him. He decides the best way to find out what happened to his dad is to follow in his footsteps. Using the session notes as a guide, Jack goes to the Inn. Once there he finds the gold, seven million dollars worth in fact.
 
Through series of unfortunate events, word makes its way back to the patient’s former partner, JASON ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath that Jack found the gold. Zufelt knew his partner had found something valuable at the Inn and has spent the past two years trying to find it. 
 
Zufelt and his group of white supremacist cronies are now after Jack so they can get the gold. As Jack tries to avoid Zufelt, he finds out from one of Zufelt’s friends that Jack’s father was killed the day he went missing and Zufelt was responsible. The skinhead also warns Jack that his life is in danger and tells him Zufelt is the one that actually killed the black athlete, not the patient from the file. 
 
Knowing Zufelt is behind everything, Jack reaches out to MARCUS FOX, a known gang member and brother to the star athlete Zufelt killed. Jack figures if he can appeal to Marcus’ need to avenge his brother his Zufelt problem will be taken care of. Together they devise a plan using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan does not go off without a hitch as Jack is shot. 
 
Jack survives, but he no longer wants anything to do with the gold he now associates with so much violence and racism. He donates most of it to the Southern Poverty Law Center. He saves some to pay for college and uses the rest to start a basketball camp charity in Marcus’ brother’s name. He urges Marcus to leave the gang and head up the charity. Jack ends up quitting smoking and focusing on bettering his relationship with his mom. Jack realizes that he really did know his dad. He starts therapy with a colleague of his father’s and realizes it may take work, but he can have the relationship he had with his dad with other people. 


#6 Phaust

Phaust

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 71 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Played this game once before with a lit-fic piece. Got an agent, but he couldn't sell the book.

Posted 03 May 2017 - 02:23 PM

 

Thanks so much for the feedback. JoanB do you have a synopsis up for critique? If so can you send me the link? hannahb712 I read yours and offered some feedback.

 

The latest version of my synopsis is here. i know it still needs a lot of work. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

-----

 

 

It’s been two years since fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON’S father went missing "went missing" implies foul play. If Jack is being told his father left but insisting otherwise, I would use a different phrase. The cops say he left town, but Jack refuses to accept his dad would abandon him. Jack feels if he didn’t know his dad, then he will never truly know anyone. Following his father’s absence, Jack’s mom slipped into a depression, leaving Jack to fend for himself. Jack’s busied himself since his father’s disappearance smoking cigarettes, experimenting with girls and drugs and hanging out with the local drug dealer’s son. I think you can choose between previous sentence and subsequent. You might not need both. They’re good kids, but Black Forest’s seedier elements make it a dangerous place to grow up without guidance.

 

After two years of hearing discovering nothing about his dad, Jack is searching his father’s study for enough change to buy a pack of smokes when he stumbles upon a hidden file. Jack’s father was a psychotherapist at the county jail and the file is from a former patient who was awaiting trial for the murder of a local star black athlete. Jack learns from the file that before being arrested, the patient worked at the Black Forest Inn. There has always been rumors about gold being hidden at the Inn and the patient claimed he found it. Oh, that's fun. The patient continually proclaimed his innocence to Jack's father, but knowing he would never get out of jail, he shared the location of the gold with him in hopes something good could be done with it. 
 
As Jack reads the session notes he finds evidence placing his father at the Inn the day he disappeared. Jack finally has some proof that his father may not have abandoned him. He decides the best way to find out what happened to his dad is to follow in his footsteps. Using the session notes as a guide, Jack goes to the Inn. Once there he finds the gold, seven million dollars worth in fact.
 
Through series of unfortunate events, word that Jack found the gold makes its way back to the patient’s former partner, JASON ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. Zufelt knew his partner had found something valuable at the Inn and has spent the past two years trying to find it. 
 
Zufelt and his group of white supremacist cronies are now after Jack so they can get the gold. As Jack tries to avoid Zufelt, he finds out from one of Zufelt’s friends that Jack’s father was killed the day he went missing and Zufelt was responsible. The skinhead also warns Jack that his life is in danger and tells him Zufelt is the one that actually killed the black athlete, not the patient from the file. 
 
Knowing Zufelt is behind everything, Jack reaches out to MARCUS FOX, might mention Marcus earlier when talking about the tough streets Jack grew up on a known gang member and brother to the star athlete Zufelt killed. Jack figures if he can appeal to Marcus’ need to avenge his brother his Zufelt problem will be taken care of. Together they devise a plan using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan does not go off without a hitch as Jack is shot. 
 
Jack survives, but he no longer wants anything to do with the gold he now associates with so much violence and racism. He donates most of it to the Southern Poverty Law Center. He saves some to pay for college and uses the rest to start a basketball camp charity in Marcus’ brother’s name. He urges Marcus to leave the gang and head up the charity. Jack ends up quitting smoking and focusing on bettering his relationship with his mom. Jack realizes that he really did know his dad. He starts therapy with a colleague of his father’s and realizes it may take work, but he can have the relationship he had with his dad with other people. Is this last bit a major chunk of the story or just the resolution. If it is the resolution, I would cut most of it and simplify. If it is a major chunk, I would simplify the other stuff and expand this. 

 

 

 

Would love your thoughts on mine: http://agentquerycon...opsis/?p=337438



#7 jscottboyd

jscottboyd

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 04 May 2017 - 08:42 AM

Thanks for the feedback Phaust, I will look at your query shortly. Here is the latest. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

-----

 

Fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON is an insightful, mixed-race kid living in a white mountain town. Two years ago, the father he thought he knew better than anyone, went to work and never returned. The cops say he left, but Jack refuses to believe his dad abandoned him.
 
With dad gone and mom depressed, Jack finds companionship in new best friend CASH, who happens to be the son of the local drug dealer. Jack’s a good kid, but on the edge, and Black Forest’s seedier side makes it a dangerous place to grow up without guidance.
 
Jack’s beginning to feel like he’ll never get an answer regarding his father’s disappearance when he stumbles upon a file hidden in his dad's study. Jack’s father was a psychotherapist at the county jail and the file concerns a former patient who was awaiting trial for the murder of a local black basketball star. Jack learns that before being arrested, the patient found a fortune in gold, which was long rumored to be hidden at the infamous Black Forest Inn. Being convinced he was going die in jail, the patient disclosed the location of the gold to Jack’s father hoping he'd do something good with it.
 
As Jack chases the clues, he finds evidence placing his father at the Inn on the day he disappeared. Jack finally has proof his father didn’t abandon him and sets off to find out what really happened by tracing his father's final footsteps. Using the session notes as a guide, Jack goes to the Inn and finds the gold — seven million dollars’ worth.
 
Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, news of the discovery makes its way to ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. Zufelt and his skinhead cronies are desperate to get their hands on the gold and only Jack stands in their way. As Jack continues his investigation, he finds out his father was killed the day he went missing and Zufelt was responsible. Jack also learns Zufelt is the true killer of the basketball star. 
 
Desperate and fearing for his life, Jack reaches out to MARCUS, a known gang member and brother to the star athlete. Together they devise a plan to deal with Zufelt using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan goes awry and both Jack and Cash are shot. 
 
They survive, but Jack no longer wants anything to do with the tainted gold. He donates most of it to the Southern Poverty Law Center, saves some to pay for college and uses the rest to start a charity in Marcus’ brother’s name. He urges Marcus to leave the gang and head up the charity. In the end Jack is determined to honor the special relationship he had with his dad by working on his relationship with his mom.


#8 Phaust

Phaust

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 71 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Played this game once before with a lit-fic piece. Got an agent, but he couldn't sell the book.

Posted 05 May 2017 - 05:57 PM


Fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON is an insightful, mixed-race kid living in a white mountain town. Two years ago, the father he thought he knew better than anyone, went to work and never returned. Much better. The cops say he left, but Jack refuses to believe his dad abandoned him. Way more clear. Amps the stakes.
 
With dad gone and mom depressed, Jack finds companionship in new best friend CASH, who happens to be the son of the local drug dealer. Jack’s a good kid, but on the edge, and Black Forest’s seedier side makes it a dangerous place to grow up without guidance.
 
Jack’s beginning to feel like he’ll never get an answer regarding his father’s disappearance when he stumbles upon a file hidden in his dad's study. Jack’s father was a psychotherapist at the county jail and the file concerns a former patient who was awaiting trial for the murder of a local black basketball star. Jack learns that before being arrested, the patient found a fortune in gold, which was long rumored to be hidden at the infamous Black Forest Inn. Being convinced he was going die in jail, the patient disclosed the location of the gold to Jack’s father hoping he'd do something good with it. Is there a connection between the athlete and the gold? Or are you just setting u the white supremacist angle? 
 
As Jack chases the clues, he finds evidence placing his father at the Inn on the day he disappeared. Jack finally has proof his father didn’t abandon him and sets off to find out what really happened by tracing his father's final footsteps. Using the session notes as a guide, Jack goes to the Inn and finds the gold — seven million dollars’ worth.
 
Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, news of the discovery makes its way to ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. Zufelt and his skinhead cronies are desperate to get their hands on the gold and only Jack stands in their way. As Jack continues his investigation, he finds out his father was killed the day he went missing and Zufelt was responsible. Jack also learns Zufelt is the true killer of the basketball star. 
 
Desperate and fearing for his life, Jack reaches out to MARCUS, a known gang member and brother to the star athlete. Together they devise a plan to deal with Zufelt using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan goes awry and both Jack and Cash are shot. 
 
They survive, but Jack no longer wants anything to do with the tainted gold. He donates most of it to the Southern Poverty Law Center, saves some to pay for college and uses the rest to start a charity in Marcus’ brother’s name. He urges Marcus to leave the gang and head up the charity. In the end Jack is determined to honor the special relationship he had with his dad by working on his relationship with his mom.

 

This is much better version. Congrats. I have a clear picture of what happened. The resolution still feels less vital than the rest. I think its because he never wanted any of those things. He wanted the gold. Now he doesn't. Feels kind of disappointing. But it could be spun as a kind of conversion experience. But to do that, you'll want to set it up earlier. 

 

I've revised mine with your comments in mind. Would love to see what you think: http://agentquerycon...opsis/?p=339286

 



#9 loopygoose

loopygoose

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:07 AM

Fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON is an insightful, mixed-race kid living in a white mountain town. Two years ago, the father he thought he knew better than anyone, went to work and never returned. The cops say he left, but Jack refuses to believe his dad abandoned him. 

 

i'd still prefer you to start with the jeopardy ie

JACK LARSON'S father went to work and never returned. That was two years ago. The cops say he left, but Jack refuses to believe his dad abandoned him. 

 
With dad gone fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON, a mixed-race kid living in a white mountain town, finds companionship in new best friend CASH, who happens to be the son of the local drug dealer. Jack’s a good kid, but with his mum depressed on the edge, and Black Forest’s seedier side makes it a dangerous place to grow up without guidance.
 
Jack’s beginning to feel like he’ll never get an answer regarding to his father’s disappearance when he stumbles upon a file hidden in his dad's study. Jack’s father was a psychotherapist at the county jail and the file concerns a former patient who was awaiting trial for the murder of a local black basketball star. Jack learns that before being arrested, the patient found a fortune in gold, which was long rumored to be hidden at the infamous Black Forest Inn. Being convinced he was going die in jail, the patient disclosed the location of the gold to Jack’s father hoping he'd do something good with it. 
 
As Jack chases the clues, he finds evidence placing his father at the Inn on the day he disappeared. Jack finally has proof his father didn’t abandon him and sets off to find out what really happened by tracing his father's final footsteps. Using the session therapy session notes as a guide, Jack goes to the Inn and finds the gold — seven million dollars’ worth.
 
Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, news of the discovery makes its way to ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. Zufelt and his skinhead cronies are desperate to get their hands on the gold and only Jack stands in their way. As Jack continues his investigation, he finds out his father was killed the day he went missing and Zufelt was responsible. Jack also learns Zufelt is the true killer of the basketball star. 
 
Desperate and fearing for his life, Jack reaches out to MARCUS, a known gang member and brother to the star athlete. Together they devise a plan to deal with Zufelt using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan goes awry and both Jack and Cash are shot. 
 
They survive, but Jack no longer wants anything to do with the tainted gold. He donates most of it to the Southern Poverty Law Center, saves some to pay for college and uses the rest to start a charity in Marcus’ brother’s name. He urges Marcus to leave the gang and head up the charity. In the end Jack is determined to honor the special relationship he had with his dad by working on his relationship with his mom.
 
I love this synopsis and it sounds like a really good story!  Would you please take a look at mine? Thank you. http://agentquerycon...o-so-in-return/


#10 JeffJustWrites

JeffJustWrites

    Hal ethrimi! (Keep writing!)

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 377 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:Seeking agent for a New Adult epistolary dark fantasy/horror novel.

Posted 25 June 2017 - 03:04 PM

Love how this synopsis has progressed! Nice work!

 

JJW


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#11 Chuck_Spragins

Chuck_Spragins

    Rio rules

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 70 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationSouth America
  • Publishing Experience:Fingers crossed!

Posted 28 June 2017 - 03:19 PM

Nice job. It has come a long ways.

 

My quibble comes with the ending. Like Phaust, I was a bit disappointed with it. All that money and not a dime for his mother?



#12 lionspaws

lionspaws

    lionspaws

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 230 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Won 2nd place in the Reading Rainbow contest (all gotta start somewhere, right?)

Posted 07 July 2017 - 04:30 PM

Fifteen-year-old JACK LARSON is an insightful, mixed-race kid living in a white mountain town. Two years ago, the father he thought he knew better than anyone, went to work and never returned. The cops say he left, but Jack refuses to believe his dad abandoned him. Just to clarify: the town has a lot of white people in it? Because there are also the White Mountains. I also like your other hook better -- went to work and never returned... really caught my interest. 
 
With dad gone and mom depressed, Jack finds companionship in new best friend CASH, who happens to be the son of the local drug dealer. Jack’s a good kid, but on the edge, and Black Forest’s seedier side makes it a dangerous place to grow up without guidance.
 
Jack’s beginning to feel like he’ll never get an answer regarding his father’s disappearance when he stumbles upon a file hidden in his dad's study. Jack’s father was a psychotherapist at the county jail and the file concerns a former patient who was awaiting trial for the murder of a local black basketball star. Jack learns that before being arrested, the patient found a fortune in gold, which was long rumored to be hidden at the infamous Black Forest Inn. Being convinced he was going die in jail, the patient disclosed the location of the gold to Jack’s father hoping he'd do something good with it. Is the black skin vs white skin super significant to the plot? Otherwise I think you could leave out describing characters as black or white -- I get a little lost each time trying to picture each character. Looking ahead, it seems it is important, so I'm not sure how, but maybe you could find a way to make it clearer who's black and who's white... So did the patient go to jail? 
 
As Jack chases the clues, he finds evidence placing his father at the Inn on the day he disappeared. Jack finally has proof his father didn’t abandon him and sets off to find out what really happened by tracing his father's final footsteps. Using the session notes as a guide, Jack goes to the Inn and finds the gold — seven million dollars’ worth.
 
Thanks to Cash’s idiot brother, news of the discovery makes its way to ZUFELT, a six-foot-five white supremacist sociopath. Zufelt and his skinhead cronies are desperate to get their hands on the gold and only Jack stands in their way. As Jack continues his investigation, he finds out his father was killed the day he went missing and Zufelt was responsible. Jack also learns Zufelt is the true killer of the basketball star. I'm not very experienced at writing synopses, but it seems you're saying a lot of "Jack learns... Jacks discovers..." Is there a way you could transform his verbs from passive to active? 
 
Desperate and fearing for his life, Jack reaches out to MARCUS, a known gang member and brother to the star athlete. The one that was killed? Together they devise a plan to deal with Zufelt using Jack as bait. Marcus ends up killing Zufelt, but the plan goes awry and both Jack and Cash are shot. 
 
They survive, but Jack no longer wants anything to do with the tainted gold. He donates most of it to the Southern Poverty Law Center, saves some to pay for college and uses the rest to start a charity in Marcus’ brother’s name. He urges Marcus to leave the gang and head up the charity. In the end Jack is determined to honor the special relationship he had with his dad by working on his relationship with his mom. Hm. I can see why others have suggested working on the ending. Maybe a dramatic explanation of how they survive? (give us some action:). You've tackled some big racial and socio-economic issues and so you want to go out with a bang! I have a hard time with endings too haha... 
 
Good work! The rough draft is the hardest! I'd appreciate greatly thoughts on my synopsis for TO SAIL THE STARS! 

http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users