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The Timekeeper (YA paranormal romance) Revision at #60 - I will critique back

Young Adult Romance

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#1 Faegheh

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Posted 09 May 2017 - 03:39 AM

Hi, everyone. I'd love to get some feedback. The new query is at #60 UPDATE

 

Thanks in advance.



#2 Testome

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Posted 09 May 2017 - 05:53 AM

Hi everyone. I'd love to get some feedback. Thanks in advance.

Erica's life changed before she was born. too vague. This really isn't a hook. Her family was murdered when her mother was carrying her and she owed her very existence to the power of the timekeepers. The people capable of taking others' time for their own use; whether it's healing faster or speeding up a pregnancy so that the last member of their royal family is born. I wouldn't start with backstory. Is there an incident that she escapes from isolation or triggers it that would be a better place to start? 

Now, after 17 years of isolation Why was she in isolation? was the murderer after the entire royal family of timekeepers?., in attempts of living a normal life, Erica decides to give the high school life a chance, where she meets Kyle. A sweet, kind boy with secrets of his own. this is vague.  What secrets?Their friendship turns into something more only to be torn apart when Kyle finds out the truth about her. 

As she tries to win Kyle's trust back, Erica discovers the killer she spent her whole life hiding from is close. this is vague. How does she try to earn his trust? Forced to leave everything and everyone behind This is a bit too much telling., she finds out how does she find out?that she has fallen for the wrong boy. The boy who is born to kill her. This is a bit vague.

 

Overall, I think there is far too much telling, so I don't really connect to any of the characters. 



#3 Faegheh

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Posted 09 May 2017 - 03:16 PM

Thanks a lot Testome. Here is the new one. What do you think of it?

At the age of 17, the one thing Erica truly wants is to have a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear to be a math test she didn't study for rather than wondering if today is the day that Daray finds her and kills her, the way he killed her family. But being the last royal timekeeper and having the ability to take people's time for her own use is nothing close to normal.

Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth. But things change for worth when the number of dead bodies increases and the police can't figure out the cause of death. It's a sign that Daray is close, but she refuses to leave Kyle. However, when Kyle becomes Daray's target and almost dies, Erica has to make a decision; to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him, or to stay and end the goose chase even if it means risking her life.

#4 Faegheh

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Posted 09 May 2017 - 03:17 PM

Thanks a lot Testome. Here is the new one. What do you think of it?

At the age of 17, the one thing Erica truly wants is to have a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear to be a math test she didn't study for rather than wondering if today is the day that Daray finds her and kills her, the way he killed her family. But being the last royal timekeeper and having the ability to take people's time for her own use is nothing close to normal.

Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth. But things change for worth when the number of dead bodies increases and the police can't figure out the cause of death. It's a sign that Daray is close, but she refuses to leave Kyle. However, when Kyle becomes Daray's target and almost dies, Erica has to make a decision; to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him, or to stay and end the goose chase even if it means risking her life.

#5 gjdevlin

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Posted 11 May 2017 - 12:42 AM

Hi,

 

I think you could open up with the hook of the timekeeper which I believe is lost in the following three paragraphs but I did pick this out:

 

--At the age of 17, the one thing Erica truly wants is to have a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear to be a math test she didn't study for rather than wondering if today is the day that Daray finds her and kills her, the way --he killed her family. But being the last royal timekeeper and having the ability to take people's time for her own use is nothing close to normal.

 

The underlined part I'm referring to should be the opening hook thus grabbing the agent/publisher.

--Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding --a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

 

The last paragraph is where I also got lost - I need to have a stronger idea of what a time keeper is.


--Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth. But things change for worth when the number of dead bodies increases and the police can't figure out the cause of death. It's a sign that Daray is close, but she refuses to leave --Kyle. However, when Kyle becomes Daray's target and almost dies, Erica has to make a decision; to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him, or to stay and end the goose chase even if it means risking her life.



#6 Faegheh

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Posted 11 May 2017 - 04:38 AM

Hi,

I think you could open up with the hook of the timekeeper which I believe is lost in the following three paragraphs but I did pick this out:

--At the age of 17, the one thing Erica truly wants is to have a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear to be a math test she didn't study for rather than wondering if today is the day that Daray finds her and kills her, the way --he killed her family. But being the last royal timekeeper and having the ability to take people's time for her own use is nothing close to normal.

The underlined part I'm referring to should be the opening hook thus grabbing the agent/publisher.

--Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding --a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

The last paragraph is where I also got lost - I need to have a stronger idea of what a time keeper is.

--Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth. But things change for worth when the number of dead bodies increases and the police can't figure out the cause of death. It's a sign that Daray is close, but she refuses to leave --Kyle. However, when Kyle becomes Daray's target and almost dies, Erica has to make a decision; to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him, or to stay and end the goose chase even if it means risking her life.


Thanks a lot for your great feedback. This is how I changed it:

17 year old Erica is a timekeeper. She can take people's time, their life span, the very reason of them being alive, for her own use:healing faster. But despite her extraordinary nature, the one thing she truly wants is a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear be a math test she didn't study for rather than worrying that today ia the day Daray finds her and kills her, the way he killed her family.

Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth about her. But things change for worse when the number of dead bodies who look as if their life span was taken away. Daray is close and when Kyle becomes his target and almost dies, Erica must make a choice;to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate killing him or to stay and end the goose chase even if it means risking her life.

How is this one?

#7 Olive K. Aristen

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Posted 11 May 2017 - 03:04 PM

You've got a few typos, so I'll mark them.

 

 

Thanks a lot for your great feedback. This is how I changed it:

17 year old Erica is a timekeeper. She can take people's time, their life span, the very reason of them being alive, for her own use:(space)healing faster. But despite her extraordinary nature, the one thing she truly wants is a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear be a math test she didn't study for rather than worrying that if today ias the day that Daray will finds her and kills her,the way he killed her family. This is a run on sentence, me thinks. I'd revise it. 

Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. Huh. This is too detailed. Keep it short and to the point. Does the agent care that they met through a group project? Would a reader? Is this an important point to the plot? Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. Why are you telling me?  Maybe just say that he sees beyond her anger, etc. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth about her. But things change for worse when the number of dead bodies who look as if their life span was taken away. Might want to try reading this out loud; run on again. Daray is close and when Kyle becomes his target and almost dies, Erica must make a choice;(I think this should be a colon rather than semi)(space)to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate killing him or to stay and end the goose chase the what...? I get the saying, but I was kind of like why goose... even if it means risking her life.

How is this one?

 

I think you might want to work on it some more. I think your first one was actually better. If you could look at mine, I'd appreciate it. 

 

http://agentquerycon...e-2#entry339449


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722


#8 Faegheh

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Posted 12 May 2017 - 06:06 AM


I think your first one was actually better.


I really appreciate your feedback, but could you tell me why you think the first one is better?

#9 KitCampbell

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Posted 12 May 2017 - 11:59 AM

Hello! I'm going to look at the newest version first without reading the first, and then I'll go back and read the first one to see if I agree with the previous poster about it being better. 

Thanks a lot for your great feedback. This is how I changed it:

17 year old Erica is a timekeeper. She can take people's time, their life span, the very reason of them being alive, (definitely condense this part--you don't want to be unnecessarily wordy in a query) for her own use:healing faster. But despite her extraordinary nature, the one thing she truly wants is a shot at a normal life. To go to school and her biggest fear be a math test she didn't study for rather than worrying that today ia the day Daray finds her and kills her, the way he killed her family. (beware of typoes!)

Through a group project, Erica makes acquaintance with her classmate, Kyle. (Oh. I kind of assumed she didn't have any sort of normal life because she yearns for that.) Despite her distant behavior and sometimes rude comebacks, Kyle enjoys her presence. He sees beyond her anger, little by little breaking her walls and finding a way to her heart. Once Erica lets herself to have feelings for him, their friendship turns to something more only to be torn apart when Kyle accidentally watches her broken head healing in a matter of seconds.

Erica tries to win Kyle's trust back by telling him the truth about her. But things change for worse when the number of dead bodies who look as if their life span was taken away (...when they do what?). Daray is close and when Kyle becomes his target and almost dies, Erica must make a choice;to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate killing him or to stay and end the goose chase even if it means risking her life. (The stakes aren't quite doing it for me. Let me try to articulate why. I think it's because I don't quite feel the danger of Daray. Who is he? Why did he kill her family? Why is he coming for her? I think more detail there could help raise the tension here.)

How is this one?

Okay, I think I know why the previous poster said the other query was better. You raise all sorts of questions with that one and add in more interesting details, such as the fact that Erica is the last of the royal family of timekeepers and that Kyle is going to kill her. 

 

More details would help overall, to help the story feel more real.

 

Hope that helps!



#10 Faegheh

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 06:06 AM

So I took some time off and wrote two new queries. Any feedback is appreciated :)

 

1.

Erica Caverly has a unique power, the ability to take people's time and use it to her advantage. When stories about a girl doing dark magic spreads in her school, she finds herself in the greatest challenge of her life. The boy she truly loves - Kyle- becomes distant and the rumors bring Daray in town, the enemy she'd spent her whole life running from.

 

As the last royal timekeeper and the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, Erica is caught between her desire to stay with Kyle and to run away. Soon, things take a turn for the worse when Kyle becomes Daray's target. But to Erica's surprise, Kyle survives, revealing the truth about his nature. Learning the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle, Erica must make a decision: To run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't give him a second chance or to stay and risk her life for Kyle, the boy who is born to kill her.

 

 

 

2.

 

 Being the last royal timekeeper on the run is nothing close to the normal life Erica desires. After 17 years of living in secret and before taking the role of the leader her father was, Erica wants to do what everyone else at her age does – go to school. As a timekeeper dependent on taking the time of others Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle.

 

But when Kyle finds out about her extraordinary nature by accidentally watching her broken head heal in a matter of seconds, things take a turn for worst. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as the man she's been running from her whole life shows up in town. As the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, she knows it's time for her to run again. But her insistence for Kyle to know the truth, makes him a target to Daray. However, finding out the truth behind Daray's interest in Kyle, Erica must make a choice: to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him or to stay and risk her life to save the boy who's born to kill her.  



#11 Korina-Maya

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 12:42 PM

I love the first one!!!



#12 Korina-Maya

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 12:46 PM

So I took some time off and wrote two new queries. Any feedback is appreciated :)

 

1.

Erica Caverly has a unique power, the ability to take people's time and use it to her advantage. (I love this sentence as a hook. I think you shouldnt changed it! Is one of the things that attracts me more to this version) When stories about a girl doing dark magic spreads in her school, she finds herself in the greatest challenge of her life. The boy she truly loves - Kyle- becomes distant and the rumors bring Daray in town, the enemy she'd spent her whole life running from.

 

As the last royal timekeeper and the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, Erica is caught between her desire to stay with Kyle and to run away. Soon, things take a turn for the worse when Kyle becomes Daray's target. But to Erica's surprise, Kyle survives, revealing the truth about his nature. Learning the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle, Erica must make a decision: To run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't give him a second chance or to stay and risk her life for Kyle, the boy who is born to kill her.

 

 

 

2.

 

 Being the last royal timekeeper on the run is nothing close to the normal life Erica desires. After 17 years of living in secret and before taking the role of the leader her father was, Erica wants to do what everyone else at her age does – go to school. As a timekeeper dependent on taking the time of others Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle.

 

But when Kyle finds out about her extraordinary nature by accidentally watching her broken head heal in a matter of seconds, things take a turn for worst. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as the man she's been running from her whole life shows up in town. As the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, she knows it's time for her to run again. But her insistence for Kyle to know the truth, makes him a target to Daray. However, finding out the truth behind Daray's interest in Kyle, Erica must make a choice: to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him or to stay and risk her life to save the boy who's born to kill her.  



#13 jjohnson

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 12:56 PM

So I took some time off and wrote two new queries. Any feedback is appreciated :)

 

1.

Erica Caverly has a unique power, the ability to take people's time (unclear what this means) and use it to her advantage. When stories about a girl doing dark magic spreads in her school, she finds herself in the greatest challenge of her life. The boy she truly loves - Kyle- becomes distant and the rumors bring Daray in town, the enemy she'd spent her whole life running from.

 

As the last royal timekeeper and the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, Erica is caught between her desire to stay with Kyle and to run away. Soon, things take a turn for the worse when Kyle becomes Daray's target. But to Erica's surprise, Kyle survives (This implies a confrontation while the previous sentence only implies that he's being hunted. So, there's a missing link.), revealing the truth about his nature. Learning the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle, Erica must make a decision: To run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't give him a second chance or to stay and risk her life for Kyle, the boy who is born to kill her (Kinda seems like you're burying the lead. It seems like this would be a major point of conflict. Maybe build up to it a little more).

 

 

 

2.

 

 Being the last royal timekeeper on the run is nothing close to the normal life Erica desires. After 17 years of living in secret and before taking the role of the leader her father was (A little clunky. How about something like "taking her [late] father's role as leader"), Erica wants to do what everyone else at her age does – go to school. As a timekeeper dependent on taking the time of others (Same problem as the first one. Don't really know what this means. What happens if she doesn't take time?) Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle.

 

But when Kyle finds out about her extraordinary nature by accidentally watching her broken head heal in a matter of seconds, things take a turn for worst. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as the man she's been running from her whole life shows up in town. As the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, she knows it's time for her to run again. But her insistence for Kyle to know the truth, makes him a target to (Of/For) Daray. However, finding out the truth behind Daray's interest in Kyle, Erica must make a choice: to run and let Kyle deal with the man who won't hesitate to kill him or to stay and risk her life to save the boy who's born to kill her (Same comment).  

Nice concept. I like the first sentence from #1 and the second sentence from #2.


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.


#14 Faegheh

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 02:26 AM

Thank you so much for your advice. This is how I changed it:

 

Erica Caverly has a unique power, the ability to take people's time. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their life span for her own use, for if she doesn't, every time she gets hurt she will use up her own time to heal and that way she won't live long.

 

After 17 years of living in secret and before taking her father's role as a leader, Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As a timekeeper dependent on taking the time of others, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers about her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as the man who killed her family and forced her into a secret life -named Daray- shows up in town.

 

As the last royal timekeeper and the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, Erica is caught between her desire to stay with Kyle and to run away. Her insistence makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle turns out to be his origin. He is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminate all timekeepers, starting with the royals. Born on the same day as Erica, Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.



#15 TheBest

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 12:22 PM

Thank you so much for your advice. This is how I changed it:

 

Erica Caverly has a unique power, the ability to take people's time. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their somone's life span for her own use, but if she doesn't, every time she gets hurt is injured she will use up her own time to heal and that way she won't live long, and won't last long.

 

After 17 years of living in secret and before taking her father's role as a leader, Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As a timekeeper dependent on taking the time of others, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers about her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse(You should lead with this). Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as the man who killed her family and forced her into a secret life -named Daray- shows up in town.

 

As the last royal timekeeper and the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power, Erica is caught between her desire to stay with Kyle and to run away. Her insistence makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle turns out to be his origin. He is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminate all timekeepers, starting with the royals. Born on the same day as Erica, Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.

 

All the ideas here are great, but the language can get a little awkward. Tighten up each sentence, and you'll be fine.



#16 rccallahan

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 01:41 AM

Thank you so much for your advice. This is how I changed it:

 

Erica Caverly has a unique power: the ability to take people's time. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their life span for her own use. If she doesn't, every time she gets hurt she will use up her own time to heal and that way she won't live long. (This sentence is awkward. Maybe something like, "She won't live long if she doesn't; each time she is wounded, it costs moments of her life to heal." or something such like. #1- I think there needs a few more words to explain how she uses time to heal and why it cuts into her own lifespan, other than the typical linear progression of it taking 'time to heal all wounds'.   

 

After 17 years of living in secret and before taking her father's role as a leader (of what?), Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As a timekeeper dependent on taking the time of others, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers about her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as Daraythe man who killed her family (wait, what?  Why are we learning about this now if it's such an impetus?) and forced her into a secret life -named - shows up in town.

 

As the last royal timekeeper (so she's a royal timekeeper?  Is that what she's supposed to replace her father as?  And is he one of her family that died?  I'm still confused on that.) and the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power,(how is she in his way?)  Erica is caught between her desire to stay with Kyle and to run away. Her insistence makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle turns out to be his (which his?  Daray or Kyle?) origin. He is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminate all timekeepers, starting with the royals.(This makes it seem like there are timekeepers that are royal... something is unclear here)  Born on the same day as Erica (is this necessary information?) , Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.

 

 

Good luck! 



#17 Faegheh

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 02:41 AM

Here is the new one:

 

Erica Caverly can take people's time. Literally. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their lifespan for her own use. If she doesn't, then she won't live long because whenever she is injured, she will use up her own time to heal. If that happens frequently, she might die before she gets to her 30s.

 

Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As the last royal timekeeper, Erica has led a secret life ever since Daray killed her whole family, only to take her father's place as the king of timekeepers. The role equals to unlimited power which Daray cannot have as long as Erica is alive.

 

Dependent on taking time, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret. A task which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as Daray shows up in town.

 

Erica is the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power. She knows it's time to run. But she can't bring herself to leave Kyle. Her insistence to stay with Kyle makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle is not his feelings for her.

 

Kyle is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminate all timekeepers. Born on the same day as Erica, Kyle is linked to her. He can find her wherever she goes. Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.



#18 jaustail

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 03:16 AM

JMO:

 

Erica Caverly can take people's time. Literally. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their lifespan for her own use(interesting. but i'm a bit confused. does the taken time add to her years? or can she stop time for the duration she takes from other people?). If she doesn't, then she won't live long because whenever she is injured, she will use up her own time to heal. If that happens frequently, she might die before she gets to her 30s.

 

Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As the last royal timekeeper, Erica has led a secret life ever since Daray killed her whole family(why did he spare her? or not imprison her? i understand she remained hidden to stay away from him but how did she escape the original attack), only to take her father's place as the king of timekeepers. The role equals to unlimited power which Daray cannot have as long as Erica is alive. (maybe start from this paragraph)

 

Dependent on taking time, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret(remove this. it's implied that she's keeping her identity a secret). A task which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as Daray shows up in town.

 

Erica is the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power(how? does the kingdom not recognize him as King unless Erica returns or is found dead?). She knows it's time to run. But she can't bring herself to leave Kyle. Her insistence to stay with Kyle makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle is not his feelings for her. (maybe shorten this.)

 

Kyle is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminate all timekeepers. Born on the same day as Erica, Kyle is linked to her. He can find her wherever she goes. Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.(this is good twist. you don't need to mention 'naturekeepers' can just say: But Erica soon learns that Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last...)

 

 

I think the query is too big. Maybe reduce the word count. I know red font can be a bit harsh but I couldn't find any other color to contrast with the blue font. So I've used red for editing.



#19 ltlibrarian

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 07:36 PM

Here is the new one:

 

Erica Caverly can take people's time. Literally. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their lifespan for her own use. If she doesn't, then she won't live long because whenever she is injured, she will use up her own time to heal. If that happens frequently, she might die before she gets to her 30s. - I'm confused here. Why is she getting injured frequently enough that she has to steal all this time? It's an interesting concept but I don't get why she needs to steal time.

 

Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As the last royal timekeeper, Erica has led a secret life ever since Daray killed her whole family, only to take her father's place as the king of timekeepers. The role equals to unlimited power which Daray cannot have as long as Erica is alive. - why? because she can challenge the throne? If so, you should say this.

 

Dependent on taking time, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret. A task which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse. Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as Daray shows up in town.

 

Why does she have to keep on taking time? If she's not injured then she shouldn't need to, right? Does she have a disease or something?

 

Erica is the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power. She knows it's time to run. But she can't bring herself to leave Kyle. Her insistence to stay with Kyle makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle is not his feelings for her.

 

 

Does Kyle like her as much as she likes him? I'm also confused, is Daray in love with her? Or why would she think he is when he's trying to kill her?

 

Kyle is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminate all timekeepers. Born on the same day as Erica, Kyle is linked to her. He can find her wherever she goes. Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.

 

 

 

Okay, So Erica escaped being killed by Daray and is hiding among humans. Daray wants to find and kill her because she's the only one who can challenge her throne. She falls in love with Kyle but then realizes that he's part of a group whose goal is to kill timekeepers aka her. And... the stake is missing.

 

Is Kyle going to rebel against his family and help her escape? Does she have to work with Daray to wipe Kyle's family out because they kill their species? What is her goal here, what's stopping her from reaching it, and what happens if she fails?

 

I think there's a lot of good stuff in here, I think you just need to sort out those confusing bits.

 

And if you have time, I would really appreciate if you took a look at my query, the link is in my signature


Looking for feedback on my query, will return the favour!

 

Website: http://ltlibrarian.com - book reviews, round-ups, quotes, writing tips, etc.

Twitter: @lunchtimelib

 


#20 speedchuck

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 10:29 AM

Erica Caverly can take people's time. Literally. Using a special pocket watch, Erica takes a piece of their lifespan for her own use. If she doesn't, then she won't live long because whenever she is injured, she will use up her own time to heal. If that happens frequently, she might die before she gets to her 30s.

Erica wants to spend her last year of education in a real school. As the last royal timekeeper, Erica has led a secret life ever since Daray (Who?) killed her whole family, only to take her father's place as the king of timekeepers. The role equals to unlimited power (Awkward wording) which Daray cannot have as long as Erica is alive.

Dependent on taking time, Erica struggles to keep her identity a secret. (Not sure how the preceding phrases connect. More explanation would be nice.) A task which becomes even more challenging when she falls for her classmate, Kyle. But when he accidentally discovers her extraordinary nature, things take a turn for the worse (vague, cliché way of putting things. Tell me what happened right here.) Estranged from Kyle, Erica finds herself in great danger as Daray shows up in town.

Erica is the only obstacle in Daray's way to immense power. She knows it's time to run. But she can't bring herself to leave Kyle. Her insistence to stay with Kyle makes him a target to Daray. But to Erica's surprise, the reason behind Daray's interest in Kyle is not his feelings for her. (I feel like the wording in the last two sentences could be tightened up.)

Kyle is a part of an old circle, called naturekeepers, who have devoted their power to eliminating all timekeepers. Born on the same day as Erica, Kyle is linked to her. He can find her wherever she goes. Kyle's life has but one purpose: To kill the last royal timekeeper.
 
Alright, so here's the thing: I actually like the way that the relationships in this plot work. It's really neat: Daray killed Erica's parents, and wants to kill her to receive power. He wants to eliminate Kyle possibly, because Kyle needs to eliminate all timekeepers, including Erica. But Erica loves Kyle.
 
So all three of these characters are against each other for good reason, but there is a love between two of them that is forcing the conflict to a head. I really like this setup. Unfortunately, you've spent a lot of time on the setup, more than needed, when you could be giving voice and character detail to your writing. It reads a little dry, and I don't know anything about the characters except for one loving another, and the duties/goals they have. I don't know if Erica even feels guilty about the details of her power. I don't know how Kyle or Daray feel, what their motives might be. I don't empathize with anyone.
 
I'm highlighting everything in the query that, at that point in the letter, has already been (mostly) stated. Anything repetitive.
 
So in conclusion, I can tell that there's a good story in here. Hopefully an agent could as well. But the wording, the prose, needs to be tightened up and filled with character. If you remove most redundancies, I think you'll find room to do that. Take my feedback with a grain of salt, I'm super new at this.

I hope you can find the time to critique my query. It's in my signature.





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