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1st hook attempt (YA fantasy)

Fantasy Young Adult

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#1 anyaejo

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Posted 11 May 2017 - 07:48 PM

Hello everyone! I'm working on editing my manuscript currently and starting on my query letter. I would love feedback on my current hook:

 

Following the kidnapping of her baby brother, Lonko - a Guardian in training - deserts her training to find him and must rely on Neda - a failed Myrodiancer - to overcome the strange magic wielded by the southern raiders.

 

I've done a lot of critiquing, so I can handle anything constructive ;-)



#2 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 12 May 2017 - 08:26 PM

It's too long. Make it snappier. Needs must, when the devil writes :biggrin:

Something like...

When her baby brother is kidnapped, Lonko abandons her training to find him with the help of a disgraced magician.

...perhaps?

JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#3 JoQwerty

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:28 AM

The advice AQ gives about creating hooks says to avoid names. What is more important is the inciting incident, the stakes and the obstacles.

 

For example:

 

When her baby brother is kidnapped, a Guardian deserts her training and with the help of a disgraced magician sets out to find him before the souther raiders  ... (Here is where you need to tell us what is at stake. What will happen if they can't find the boy? Is there a clock ticking? Or is this an open-ended, to the death, quest?)



#4 Olive K. Aristen

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Posted 19 May 2017 - 09:54 AM

It's too long. Make it snappier. Needs must, when the devil writes :biggrin:

Something like...

When her baby brother is kidnapped, Lonko abandons her training to find him with the help of a disgraced magician.

...perhaps?

JJW

 

 

I agree with JeffJustWriters; it should be snappier. It's hard with fantasy obviously, because there are always things to explain. In this case, you might want to leave out your proper nouns and stick to the more general descriptive words.


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722


#5 Niambi

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Posted 23 May 2017 - 08:08 PM

Here's where some people differ.  

 

In fantasy/sci-fi/and spec, it is sometimes a good idea to use the MC's name with the hook to save people from world building classifications.  For instance, to say: "Now a Guardian must ..." is vague and impersonal.  But "Lonko must" is direct and to the point. 

 

Again, I've found in many cases that for fantasy and spec, or anything that has tons of world building elements, names work better, but only for the MC.

 

Following the kidnapping of her baby brother, Lonko - a Guardian in training - deserts her training to find him and must rely on Neda - a failed Myrodiancer - to overcome the strange magic wielded by the southern raiders.

 

SO you'd have:

 

Lonko's baby brother was kidnapped, and to find him she must abandon her training.

 

I stopped there because that's really the only thing you have that's hook worthy.  

 

We still need to know what's in Lonko's way.  Not the "Who" kidnapped her brother but the "Why" along with it a solid piece of conflict which makes us care about the MC and her journey.







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