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This Sentence is Driving Me Nuts


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#1 Blueberry Tide

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 12:18 AM

Hey there, team, long time no see. Okay, I'm revising tonight and I've got this sentence. It just doesn't sound right. It's funky, I know, but I don't know what is wonky with it. I've tried rewording, but it doesn't flow: 

 

"No feeling compared to that of have taken a life, or watching that person die, and knowing that someone will miss them."

 

Should it be "have taken a life" or "having taken a life?"

 


#2 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 01:47 AM

Having taken a life.

Take out the 'or' as well.

:smile:

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#3 Michael Steven

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 02:17 PM

It's redundant.  "Watching that person die" repeats "have taken a life."  Just cleaning up "have taken a life" won't change the redundancy.  I would have gone with "taking a life" by the way.

 

Either remove the redundancy which isn't the best choice since it's the meat of the thought process that counts, or getting more intimate with it.  As an example (and ONLY an example since I don't know the particulars):

 

"No feeling compared to inflicting a mortal wound, watching that man die, and knowing a loved one will miss him."

 

Notice I culled "them" and "that person" as well since it gets closer to the details using "him" and "a loved one."  You could get closer still with "a loved one will mourn him."  That all depends on the character who has the thought.


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#4 Anna L. Walls

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 07:15 PM

Hey there, team, long time no see. Okay, I'm revising tonight and I've got this sentence. It just doesn't sound right. It's funky, I know, but I don't know what is wonky with it. I've tried rewording, but it doesn't flow: 

 

"No feeling compared to that of have taken a life, or watching that person die, and knowing that someone will miss them."

 

Should it be "have taken a life" or "having taken a life?"

 

I think you're trying to get too much into too short a sentence. You're not giving your two concepts enough individual attention. This sounds like it might be emotional but I can't tell what kind of emotion you're trying to convey. How about giving them something of a flavor? Is taking a life delectable (a vampire might think this way)? Is watching someone die repulsive (a young person might think so). I hope you get where I'm going with this, and I hope it helps a little with your dilemma.
 


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#5 mpowers

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 08:41 PM

I think you are close. Perhaps this would work? Not sure if your character is thrilled with death or how it makes them feel or if they have experienced it and is saddened by it. 

"No other feeling compares to taking a life, or watching a person die and knowing someone will miss them."



#6 Blueberry Tide

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 01:11 PM

Thanks team - coming back to his with a clear mind really helped. I'd been editing a good twelve or hour hours and my brain had entered that jelly stage. 






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