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Query Help-The Demon's Touch

Fiction Romance Womens Fiction Horror Fantasy Commercial Fiction

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#1 Garnell Wallace

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:47 AM

Hi everyone,

I would love some help with this query. I think it's okay and I need someone else to spot the holes or just ways I can make it better.

 

Thanks.

 

QUERY-THE DEMON’S TOUCH

 

     The Demon’s Touch is an 85,000 word paranormal romance novel written with Harlequin Nocturne in mind. Though it is a standalone book, it is the first of two featuring tall, dark and deadly men and the end of the world.

 

The Demon’s Touch is set in the Bahamas but when Sadia Delany arrives in the capital city of Nassau, white sand beaches are the last thing on her mind. She is on the run from a psychotic ex-boyfriend who ha s killed her once before. After five minutes on the other side, Sadia comes back with the ability to see the dead, a gift she must now use to help souls into Heaven to rack up soldiers for the battle of Armageddon.

 

Jacob Greco was born with good looks, the Midas touch and a deadly curse which has turned him into a demon slated to fight for the dark side in that final battle. He struggles to keep the demons slowly encroaching on his soul at bay by doing good and protecting the residents of the tiny island. At first, he tries to convince himself that Sadia is just another resident, but considering the fact that he breaks the law to protect her the night they met, she is about to become a lot more.

 

Everyone including Jacob, warns Sadia to stay away from him. She is the light and he is the epitome of darkness. Except Sadia only feels safe under Jacob’s protection, and the passion they feel for each other is stronger than all the reasons they should not be together.


There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.
Dr. Wyane Dyer.

#2 ck16

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 03:11 PM

Hi everyone,

I would love some help with this query. I think it's okay and I need someone else to spot the holes or just ways I can make it better.

 

Thanks.

 

QUERY-THE DEMON’S TOUCH

 

     The Demon’s Touch (The title of your novel should always be in all caps in a query) is an 85,000 word paranormal romance novel with series potential. It was written with Harlequin Nocturne in mind. Though it is a standalone book, it is the first of two featuring tall, dark and deadly men and the end of the world.   (This whole paragraph should go at the end of the query. Start with your hook and plot)

 

The Demon’s Touch is set in the Bahamas but when Sadia Delany arrives in the capital city of Nassau, white sand beaches are the last thing on her mind. She is on the run from a psychotic ex-boyfriend who has killed her once before. After five minutes on the other side, Sadia comes back with the ability to see the dead, a gift she must now use to help souls into Heaven to rack up soldiers for the battle of Armageddon.(You seem to have two plots going on here. Focus on the one that is most important in the query. Is it the fact that she's running from her ex or the fact that she now has to battle angels? The book itself can of course be more complex, but the query has to be tight and concise. It has to be the core of your story. This is the character, this is their goal, this is what will happen if they don't achieve said goal)

 

Jacob Greco was born with good looks, the Midas touch (The what?) and a deadly curse which has turned him into a demon slated to fight for the dark side in that final battle. He struggles to keep the demons slowly encroaching on his soul at bay by doing good and protecting the residents of the tiny island (Wait, I'm confused, is he a demon? Or does he have demons inside him that could take over his soul?). At first, he tries to convince himself that Sadia is just another resident, but considering the fact that after he breaks the law to protect her the night they meet, she is about to become a lot more (A lot of these sentences are worded pretty awkwardly or are overlong. Make sure the sentences are concise and flow well. Try reading them all out loud. If they don't sound right when you're reading them out loud, revise them. Also, what convinces him to break the law to save her? Do they have a connection or does he just think she's pretty? Obviously you don't have to go into a ton of detail, but something a little more specific would be better)

 

Everyone including Jacob, warns Sadia to stay away from him. She is the light and he is the epitome of darkness. Except Sadia only feels safe under Jacob’s protection, and the passion they feel for each other is stronger than all the reasons they should not be together. (So, what will happen if they do stay together exactly? It needs to be clear what exactly is at stake and what exactly will happen if the characters do not achieve their goals)

Hope this all helps! Good luck with querying :)



#3 Garnell Wallace

Garnell Wallace

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  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I have been published in various paranormal and erotic anthologies including Making the Hook-up, Obsessed and Best Women's Erotica Vol 2(2017), all from Cleis Press.I also have one title, Forever My Demon, under the name Suzette Wallace published by Blushing Books. I have also self-published short works and novels on Amazon and I am now working on a trilogy for Harlequin Nocturne.

Posted 15 May 2017 - 11:03 PM

Hope this all helps! Good luck with querying :)

Hi, thank you, yes this does help, in the process of revising the query right now.


There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.
Dr. Wyane Dyer.

#4 KitCampbell

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:37 AM

You might want to move this over to the right forum for your next draft. Try the Query Critique one.



#5 Olive K. Aristen

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Posted 28 May 2017 - 11:26 PM

Also, just so you know, Harlequin recently announced it was discontinuing its Nocturne line. You might need to rethink your strategy.

 

 

https://www.publishe...ive-lines.html 


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722






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