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Ya Mob book. 160 words.


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#1 SnowFox23

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 03:37 AM

(MC is 18 and the Mob Boss' daughter, who is secretly planning to take over)

 

First 160 words.

 

My father is Thomasino ‘Diamond’ DeLuca, the Boss of the DeLuca crime family and the most notorious mobster in all of America. You would have heard of him because he’s been on the news at least once a month for thirty years now. He owns U.S senators, police officers, and almost everything else in New Jersey.

 

My brother is Danny ‘the Butcher’ DeLuca. He is the former Consigliere of the Family until he found God and renounced everything he ever knew. He owns a hardware store in Newark and a fishing tackle store in Red Bank. He also owns Glory Realm church where he preaches every Sunday.

 

A little about me, because there is so little to say: I have waist length, black hair that I am not allowed to dye. I have small ears that I am not allowed to pierce. I have a plain and severe wardrobe that I was not allowed to choose.

My name is Apollonia.

 

And nothing I own is mine.



#2 Testome

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 04:34 AM

My main problem with this is that this really isn't a scene. I'm not really intrigued by the internal monologue. I would have been more intrigued if you started right after the father's death or right before. Since you're really only introducing characters here I care nothing about yet.  



#3 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 11:15 AM

Objectively, it's too much exposition. You have good character info here, but I'm not getting enough of who the MC is to get invested. You have another 90 words to play with, so bring out Apollonia's voice and drag us in :)

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#4 billjustbill

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 11:37 AM

It's a little confusing, because I was under the impression this was supposed to be a query, like to an agent...

But I very much like the voice, I think that's the best part about it.

The difficulty with what you chose to write is that the Godfather figure and the son are both a bit hackneyed. When she starts to talk about herself, Appolonia becomes interesting because the directness of her voice contrasts with the physical limitations put on her -- so the reader understands implicitly that we are reading about a rebel, and that's interesting.

Good luck with it.



#5 SnowFox23

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 09:49 PM

thanks billjustbill!

 

This book is a voice driven narrative and all I was aiming for, was that people will instantly start recognising her as a threat.

So, IMO, it works.

I'm not changing it.



#6 Brittany Astor

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Posted 20 May 2017 - 09:28 PM

I agree with what has been said before. There is no urgency to the first 250 words and nothing that immediately gives you a sense of where anything is headed. I actually think you should start with:

 

My name is Apollonia.

 

And nothing I own is mine.

 

For me, that was what finally gave me the 'punch' I needed. Everything else prior to that was just words, as I didn't know about the characters yet.


Budding writer of historical YA fiction...





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