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Rescue Me (LGBT) (UPDATED)


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#21 loopygoose

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Posted 13 June 2017 - 10:17 AM

It's 2010, In 2010, in in a small town in southwest Iowa, and Jimmy and Jacoby Mortensen are trying to have a baby. Legally, they can tie the knot, but ​having a child?  having a child remains elusive.  But theThat journey is complicated by conservative beliefs and religious road blocks. Perhaps you could put here, that those roadblocks even exist in the surrogacy agencies that could be helping them.

 
Through months of research, they worked to avoid agencies who flat-out refused to work with same sex-couples.  The remaining agencies offer any number of reasons for rejection including 'all of our surrogates are currently working with other intended parents'. Some even include a bible verse, even if their website didn't mention LGBT couples. 

  I feel, the problem with Jimmy's parents is more important than the search for agencies. I agree with this poster. 

After a pile of rejections, they finally get their yes and the process of finding their surrogate begins.  Jimmy's been a recovering alcoholic for years and has battled depression and anxiety since his parents disowned him for being gay.  Part of the process is passing psychological and medical evaluations. I'm confused, are these evaluations before being allowed to search for a surrogate or once you've found one? The most interesting thing to me is when Jimmy's parents decide to reenter his life. Why? How? What are they trying to achieve? I'd say they've got a yes and then go straight on to Jimmy's parents actions. After that you can mention that they are the root of his struggle to pass the psychological and medical evaluations. Jacoby's alcoholic dad walked before he was even born.  To make matters worse, Jimmy's parents decide to reenter his life.  After weeks of ignoring their attempts to communicate, they show up at the hospital where Jimmy works. 

 
Determined to help Jimmy patch things up with his family, Why? Jacoby sets up a meeting between Jimmy and his folks.  Between bible verses and angry words flying, Jimmy's dad takes a swing and starts a fist fight. Getting arrested for assault won't help and now Jimmy's job is on the line.  The hateful reunion reminds both of them why they're hell bent on being better fathers then their own were. Why is the reunion hateful? Perhaps your jeopardy is that they have to prove to themselves that they can do a better job than their own fathers but it's not obvious they can?
 
RESCUE ME is dual POV, LGBT contemporary fiction complete at 83,000 words. Readers of Kristen Hannah's Firefly Lane will recognize the themes of family and the struggle to make the right choices in order to achieve the ultimate goal. I don't know this book but it makes me think you're rehashing something and that it probably won't be better. I'd leave it out. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think this probably a really interesting book but I feel you've been sidetracked in the query by the battles that we all expect i.e. the agencies etc. You can just nod at that in this summary. The really interesting part of the story, which makes it unique, is the family dynamic and the struggle the men have to prove to themselves that they are 'worthy'. I'd pay more time to brining that to the fore. I'd love to read your next iteration of this!



#22 Aightball

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Posted 13 June 2017 - 11:40 AM

It's 2010, In 2010, in in a small town in southwest Iowa, and Jimmy and Jacoby Mortensen are trying to have a baby. Legally, they can tie the knot, but ​having a child?  having a child remains elusive.  But theThat journey is complicated by conservative beliefs and religious road blocks. Perhaps you could put here, that those roadblocks even exist in the surrogacy agencies that could be helping them.

 
Through months of research, they worked to avoid agencies who flat-out refused to work with same sex-couples.  The remaining agencies offer any number of reasons for rejection including 'all of our surrogates are currently working with other intended parents'. Some even include a bible verse, even if their website didn't mention LGBT couples. 

  I feel, the problem with Jimmy's parents is more important than the search for agencies. I agree with this poster. 

After a pile of rejections, they finally get their yes and the process of finding their surrogate begins.  Jimmy's been a recovering alcoholic for years and has battled depression and anxiety since his parents disowned him for being gay.  Part of the process is passing psychological and medical evaluations. I'm confused, are these evaluations before being allowed to search for a surrogate or once you've found one? The most interesting thing to me is when Jimmy's parents decide to reenter his life. Why? How? What are they trying to achieve? I'd say they've got a yes and then go straight on to Jimmy's parents actions. After that you can mention that they are the root of his struggle to pass the psychological and medical evaluations. Jacoby's alcoholic dad walked before he was even born.  To make matters worse, Jimmy's parents decide to reenter his life.  After weeks of ignoring their attempts to communicate, they show up at the hospital where Jimmy works. 

 
Determined to help Jimmy patch things up with his family, Why? Jacoby sets up a meeting between Jimmy and his folks.  Between bible verses and angry words flying, Jimmy's dad takes a swing and starts a fist fight. Getting arrested for assault won't help and now Jimmy's job is on the line.  The hateful reunion reminds both of them why they're hell bent on being better fathers then their own were. Why is the reunion hateful? Perhaps your jeopardy is that they have to prove to themselves that they can do a better job than their own fathers but it's not obvious they can?
 
RESCUE ME is dual POV, LGBT contemporary fiction complete at 83,000 words. Readers of Kristen Hannah's Firefly Lane will recognize the themes of family and the struggle to make the right choices in order to achieve the ultimate goal. I don't know this book but it makes me think you're rehashing something and that it probably won't be better. I'd leave it out. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think this probably a really interesting book but I feel you've been sidetracked in the query by the battles that we all expect i.e. the agencies etc. You can just nod at that in this summary. The really interesting part of the story, which makes it unique, is the family dynamic and the struggle the men have to prove to themselves that they are 'worthy'. I'd pay more time to brining that to the fore. I'd love to read your next iteration of this!

 

Thank you!

 

I'm good at gettin side tracked, haha!  It's probably my downfall when writing queries, because I can never seem to nail the important stuff.  But everyone had mentioned glossing over the agency search and focusing more on the family dynamic, which I think is a good idea.  When I think about the book, the agency search is a tiny part and the family dynamic is a huge part.  I will take this into revisions and try to change the focus!!


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sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Twitter Hook(s): http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#23 Aightball

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 06:45 PM

Thanks for all the great suggestions!!  I revised this and tried to include more of Jimmy's estranged parents and less about the surrogate search.  Thoughts?

 

In 2010, in a small town in southwest Iowa, Jimmy and Jacoby Mortensen are trying to have a baby. But the journey is complicated by conservative beliefs, religious road blocks, and estranged parents. Legally, they can tie the knot, but having a child remains elusive.

 

After a pile of rejections, they finally get their yes and the process of finding their surrogate begins.  In the middle of everything, letters arrive weekly from Jimmy's birth parents.  Each letter is returned unopened.  After weeks of ignoring their attempts to communicate, they show up at the hospital where Jimmy works. 

Determined to help Jimmy patch things up with his family, Jacoby sets up a meeting between Jimmy and his folks. Between bible verses and angry words flying, Jimmy's dad takes a swing and starts a fist fight.  His mom calls the cops and now Jimmy's job is on the line.  The hateful reunion reminds both of them why they're hell bent on being better fathers then their own were.

 

RESCUE ME is dual POV, LGBT contemporary fiction complete at 83,000 words. Readers of Kristen Hannah's Firefly Lane will recognize the themes of family and the struggle to make the right choices in order to achieve the ultimate goal. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Twitter Hook(s): http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#24 Paulsvault

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 12:33 AM

Thanks for all the great suggestions!!  I revised this and tried to include more of Jimmy's estranged parents and less about the surrogate search.  Thoughts?

 

In 2010, in a small town in southwest Iowa, Jimmy and Jacoby Mortensen are trying to have a baby. But the journey is complicated by conservative beliefs, religious road blocks, and estranged parents. Legally, they can tie the knot, but having a child remains elusive.

 

After a pile of rejections, they finally get their yes and the process of finding their surrogate begins.  In the middle of everything, letters arrive weekly from Jimmy's birth parents.  Each letter is returned unopened.  After weeks of ignoring their attempts to communicate, they show up at the hospital where Jimmy works. 

Determined to help Jimmy patch things up with his family, Jacoby sets up a meeting between Jimmy and his folks. Between bible verses and angry words flying, Jimmy's dad takes a swing and starts a fist fight.  His mom calls the cops and now Jimmy's job is on the line.  The hateful reunion reminds both of them why they're hell bent on being better fathers then their own were.

 

RESCUE ME is dual POV, LGBT contemporary fiction complete at 83,000 words. Readers of Kristen Hannah's Firefly Lane will recognize the themes of family and the struggle to make the right choices in order to achieve the ultimate goal. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I have nothing to really edit in the body of the query. It sounds like you have eliminated the focus of the psych eval and jumped straight to the parental conflict. The real crux of the story seems to hinge (in my view) on the couple wanting to raise a child on their own terms and not under the terms of Jimmy's seemingly ultra-conservative family.The 1st sentence of the second paragraph gives a brief glimpse of their search, but doesn't get caught up in the details. I think focusing on the family troubles and why those troubles are the reason why Jimmy and Jacoby are more important to me.

 

It seems clearer to me and follows a single train of thought that likely is much more complex and diverse in the story itself. Best of luck to you.


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#25 loopygoose

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:46 AM

The MORTENSENS desperately want a baby but in small town southwest Iowa the nursery colour is the least of Jimmy and Jacoby's problems. Marriage may have been made legal by 2010 but conservative beliefs and religious road blocks are still firmly in place.

 

The struggle to overcome the prejudices of surrogate agencies is the beginning of the battle and they'll also need to pass psychological and medical evaluations. Jimmy's been a recovering alcoholic for years but he's also battled depression and anxiety since his parents disowned him for being gay. Having found an agency that will help the, everything seems threatened when Jimmy's parents decide to reenter his life.  After weeks of ignoring their attempts to communicate, they show up at the hospital where Jimmy works. 

 
Determined to help Jimmy patch things up with his family, Jacoby sets up a meeting between Jimmy and his folks.  Between bible verses and angry words flying, Jimmy's dad takes a swing and starts a fist fight. Getting arrested for assault won't help and now Jimmy's job is on the line.  The hateful reunion reminds both of them why they're hell bent on being better fathers then their own were.The meeting could destroy everything they've worked so hard to achieve, or could open up an unseen path to a new  life. (i.e. it connects them with the stster)
 
RESCUE ME is dual POV, LGBT contemporary fiction complete at 83,000 words. Readers of Kristen Hannah's Firefly Lane will recognize the themes of family and the struggle to make the right choices in order to achieve the ultimate goal. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I've hacked it about quite a bit and may well have missed the mark re what your book is saying but I feel that the human relationships are the attention-grabbing parts of your story and the dynamic with the parents is critical to giving this story a unique edge. I hope this helps! It's definitely getting there. 






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