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MEMORIES FORGOTTEN (YA Fantasy/Adventure) - Critique mine & I'll critique yours!

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#21 loopygoose

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:03 AM

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything and an entire army wants him dead. (Cool! Maybe a slight tweak for a little more punch: "Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead.")  I AGREE.. AND LIKE THE AMENDMENT. EXCELLENT, I'M HOOKED!

 

A week ago, a bomb hit the capital, (silly question, but is it just known as the capital, or does it have a name?  If no other name, you probably should capitalize Capital  :smile: ) I WANT A NAME TOO. but no one remembers it. The bomb was used as a distraction for the memory spell CAST BY THE MAGICAL CREATURES, ALUROS. The attack worked well, but it didn’t go as they Aluros  had planned because Zadok got away. 

 

The Aluros have been wanting Zadok dead for years. Zadokhw/she is one of the last forces standing in their way that can stop ( choose ONE of these, both is too much)AGREED them for from eliminating all humans. After Human HAVE mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years AND NOW the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of the human race. Any magical creatures on the humans’ side shall die as well. WHY? WHO SAYS? EITHER CLARIFY OR LEAVE THIS OUT.

 

THERE IS HOPE IF Zadok works with an elite force tasked with protecting the world the Millennium – (just the human world?) – to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses, not only will he die, but every human will die too. After that, the Aluros will not stop killing until every OTHER creature is dead.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Overall: super cool idea. I would love to see a little more of the creatures vs. humans fleshed out a little bit more.  Help raise the stakes/explain the conflict.  Also, I'm still wondering if the Aluros is a collective or a race of creatures.  Or something different?  Hope this helps! Similar points for me. This is so much better and really starting to be attention-grabbing. 

 


#22 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:19 AM

Thanks for the critique!

 

I'll try to get a new draft of this up by Monday at least, but I'm not sure. I'm glad you have similar points as the others did. It's got to mean that I'm getting close, right? I feel like I've been doing SO MANY of these drafts. But I'm willing to do them all until it's perfect.



#23 loopygoose

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:31 AM

You are getting SO close.  Keep going. It's worth it.  I have great sympathy looking at how far I still have to!



#24 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 11:07 AM

Dear literary agent,
 
Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead.
 
A bomb hit the Capital with the intention of trapping everyone inside. It provided a cover for the Aluros, an army of magical creatures, to cast a memory spell on everyone there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider it a failure because Zadok got away.
 
After hundreds of years of humans murdering magical creatures and making laws of where they can and cannot go, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last one. Any magical creature, like Zadok, who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well. 
 
Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but every human and magical creature, who stands with him, will die too.
 
But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known, because the Aluros are doing more than just taking his memories away from him. They are also changing them and manipulating his life.
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


#25 loopygoose

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 04:10 AM

Dear literary agent,

 
Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead. Great.
 
A bomb hit the Capital with the intention of trapping everyone inside. It sounds as if the people are supposed to be trapped inside the bomb and not sure if you even need to mention the bomb.  The critical thing is that the spell was cast. It provided a cover for the Aluros, an army of magical creatures, to cast a memory spell on everyone there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider it a failure because Zadok got away. 
 
Like everyone else in the Capital, he has succumbed to the memory spell cast by an army of magical creatures called the Aluros. What's different is that he managed to escape the Capital do you have a different way of referring to it? and, as he is a protector of those who've been targeted, the Aluros are out to get him. 
 
After hundreds of years of humans murdering magical creatures and making laws of where they can and cannot go, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last one. Any if you write magical here it opens up all sorts of questions about why a magical creature is against the others. I'd keep it simple and let the book unveil this. creature, like Zadok, who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well. 
 
Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but every human and magical creature, who stands with him, will die too.
 
But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known, because the Aluros are doing more than just taking his memories away from him; they are also changing them and manipulating his life.
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Nasty phrase. Don't bother. They know what they've asked for. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
 
This is much better and is really taking shape. I didn't like the clunkiness of the first paragraph so was trying to smooth it out for you. I would try to simplify things by only referring to magical and human where entirely necessary otherwise it's gets very confusing and throws up more questions than you have space to answer in a query. Best to get the Agent reading your work then finding out the full, complex plot. 


#26 Sataris

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 03:40 PM

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*
 
Dear literary agent,
 
Zadok can't remember anything. including why Which is problematic, because the same army that wiped his memories army wants him dead. < this would allow you to cut a lot of what follows
 
A bomb hit the Capital with the intention drawing everyone's attention of trapping everyone inside. It provided a cover for the Aluros, an army of magical creatures, to cast a memory spell on everyone there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider it a failure because Zadok got away.
 
Do we need to know the bomb part for the query? It seems like we only need to know that they want him dead, and they they've wiped his memories.
 
After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures and making laws of where they can and cannot go, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last one. Any magical creature, like Zadok, who dare to stand in their way will be killed as well. 
 
 
Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but every human and magical creature, who stands with him, will die too.
 
But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known, because the Aluros are doing more than just taking his memories away from him. They are also changing them and manipulating his life. this is a really interesting second hook - i think it might need to be worked in a little earlier though if you want to get it in there, or maybe just a bit more clarification.
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

The stakes here are pretty clear - I've cut a little bit of background that we don't seem to need, but I could be wrong about that. hope that was helpful. If you've got a minute, I'd appreciate you taking a look at my query: the many small deaths of oz


You can find my current query here.


#27 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 10:21 PM

Thanks for critiquing loopygoose and Sataris!

 

I'll work on smoothing out that first paragraph and cutting details. I'm glad that at least I need to cut down info rather than add more info in. I feel like I may be getting somewhere now. Thanks guys!

 

And, Sataris, of course I'll edit your query for you. I'll go edit it right now.



#28 loopygoose

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 01:15 AM

Could you take a look at mine too please. Thanks for all your help. It's really appreciated.



#29 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 11:53 PM

Of course I will, loopygoose!



#30 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 02:01 PM

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything anymore, including why an entire army wants him dead.

 

The army that wants him dead, called the Aluros, casted a memory spell on the capital while Zadok was there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider the spell a failure because Zadok escaped from their grasp.

 

After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last human. Anyone who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but everyone who stands with him will die too.

 

But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he rememebers, the more he realizes that the Aluros have done more than just take his memories away. They have also been changing his memories. For most of his life, Zadok has been controlled by them. Will he be able to break free?

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. I am sending ____. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#31 JustSwizz

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 06:14 PM

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything anymore, including why an entire army wants him dead. I crossed out because I feel like without it, the hook i smuch punchier. You also avoid vagueness. 

 

The army that wants him dead, called the Aluros, casted a memory spell on the capital while Zadok was there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider the spell a failure because Zadok escaped from their grasp. I almost prefer your previous version's explanation of the Aluros. I agree that including the bomb probably isn't necessary, but maybe you can entice the reader by saying something like: "The Aluros's spell didn't work on Zadok." It's a poor explanation but I think something similiar can make this section less complicated. 

 

After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last human. Anyone who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well. I'd prefer knowing more about Zadok now. Maybe you can include something brief in the paragraph before. 

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but everyone who stands with him will die too.

 

But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The the more he rememebers, the more he realizes that the Aluros have done more than just take his memories away. They have also been changing his memories. For most of his life, Zadok has been controlled by them. Will he be able to break free?

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. I am sending ____. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Hope this helps some! Thanks for the critique!

http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=341583



#32 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 09:21 AM

Thanks for the critique JustSwizz! 

 

The spell did work on Zadok, but I'll go back and work on that first paragraph some more. I'll see if styling it more like the other way helps. - I'll also see if I can expand more on Zadok too.



#33 Sataris

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 09:52 AM

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything anymore, including why an entire army wants him dead.

 

The army that wants him dead, called the Aluros, casted you can technically use casted here, but cast might be less jarring and is also correct a memory spell on the capital while Zadok was there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider the spell a failure because Zadok escaped from their grasp. He may have lost his memories, but he managed to escape with his life.

 

After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last human. Anyone who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but everyone who stands with him will die too. This might be a bit too similar to the stands in their way line from last paragaph

 

But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he realizes that the Aluros have done more than just take his memories away: They've have also been changeding them. For most of his life, Zadok has been controlled by them. Will he be able to break free?

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. I am sending ____. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

  I think this is heading in the right direction. You've stripped out a lot of info that we didn't need so it reads a lot tighter. Are there any more personal stakes for Zadok? Right now it's Zadok must restore his memories and defeat the army if he's to survive, so it's a an easy choice. Is there something he personally has to give up to help out that might complicate it?


You can find my current query here.


#34 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 11:59 PM

Thanks for the critique!

 

I'm glad it's getting tighter. That's always a great sign.

 

For what I can think of, there isn't other stakes rather than that. He doesn't have anything telling him not to do it. Rather, instead, he has too many telling him to do it. He gets overwhelmed that way a few times. Should I try to add something like that in along the lines? I'm not sure where I would add it though...



#35 Sataris

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 10:49 AM

is he reluctant then? maybe the more he discovers about his old life, the more he just wants to leave this all behind and go home?

 

If not, I think you could probably spin the memories being changed thing into conflict a bit more in that case; something along the lines of "Zadok knows they must be stopped; but for all he knows, he could be helping them" of course that's an ugly phrase, but I think it gets the general idea across. In other words, he could just be a puppet that's furthering their goals, which adds an extra layer of suspense to him trying to destroy the enemy 


You can find my current query here.


#36 perpetual

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 01:30 PM

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything anymore, including why an entire army wants him dead. Great start.

 

The army that wants him dead implied, called the Aluros, casted 'cast' IS present and past tense. Gotta love English. a memory spell on the capital while Zadok was there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider the spell a failure because Zadok escaped from their grasp.

 

After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last human. Anyone who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well. Does your novel focus on Zadok's POV only? If so, you're query should as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but so will everyone who stands with him will die too.

 

But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he realizes that the Aluros have done more than just take his memories away. They have also been changing his memories. For most of his life, Zadok has been controlled by them. Will he be able to break free?

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. Just as a heads up, it might be good to get some credible beta readers/editors who can help you cut out some words. Agents tend to reject on word count alone (and you can do research to see that I didn't pull this out of thin air) and they don't want to see a fantasy over 100,000 words ESPECIALLY if it's your debut novel. Just think of how much shorter the first Harry Potter novel was. I am sending ____. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

I think this is good, however it does feel a bit disconnected with the two POVs presented in the query--Zadok and Aluros. I think you may be better off just sticking with what the story looks like from Zadok's POV, since he's your driving force. Also, I'd love your thoughts on my query :)


Query: Click here.

 


#37 Korina-Maya

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 06:28 PM

 

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything anymore, including why an entire army wants him dead. 

 

The army that wants him dead, called the Aluros, casted a memory spell on the capital while Zadok was there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider the spell a failure because Zadok escaped from their grasp.

 

After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last human. Anyone who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but everyone who stands with him will die too.

 

When he starts to remember, realizes that the Aluros have also replaced his bank memories. (don't know if you like it, but saves you lot of words and contains also this "when" that agents so much love...) But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he rememebers, the more he realizes that the Aluros have done more than just take his memories away. They have also been changing his memories. For most of his life, Zadok has been controlled by them. Will he be able to break free?

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. I am sending ____. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#38 Cengel

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 07:02 PM

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything anymore, including why an entire army wants him dead.

 

The army that wants him dead, called the Aluros, casted no -ed ending. Cast is already past tense a memory spell on the capital while Zadok was there. With the context of the first sentence (about him not having his memory) I feel it's already implied that he was there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider the spell a failure because Zadok escaped from their grasp. The reason I'm suggesting eliminating that bit in the last sentence is to keep the focus on Zadok. Plus, we can tell they consider it a failure because you already stated that they want him dead. I think others pointed out that it seems like the POV shifts - I think this would help avoid that.

 

After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last human. Anyone who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but everyone who stands with him will die too.

 

But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he rememebers remembers, the more he realizes that the Aluros have done more than just take his memories away. They have also been changing his memories. - they've been changing them, too. For most of his life, Zadok has been controlled by them. Will he be able to break free?

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. I am sending ____. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Overall, I think you've got an interesting story here. If you would look at my query as well, I would really appreciate it!


Please take a look at my query.


#39 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 11:09 PM

Thanks for the critques everyone! I'll try to get a new draft up soon. It may be a few days though.

 

Sataris: He does become a bit reluctant, yes. He just wants to get away from it all. He runs off a couple of times. I'll try to put that into the query. Great idea!

 

perpetual: I didn't even notice that it switched POVs. It does switch POVs in the book, but I wasn't going for that in the query. No one else noticed that. I thought I was just explaining who they are. - I'm glad you liked you liked my thoughts on your query!

 

Korina-Maya: Great idea!

 

Cengel: Great ideas as well! Super helpful.



#40 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 01:29 AM

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember why an entire army wants him dead.

 

The army, called the Aluros, cast a memory spell on the capital when Zadok was there. The spell worked, but Zadok escaped from their grasp. He learns later on that Aluros are determined to eliminate all humankind since humans have murdered and oppressed magical creatures for hundreds of years.

 

When Zadok starts to remember his past, he realizes that the Aluros have been changing his memories. For most of his life, he has been controlled by them. All he wants is to get away from the war, but to do that, he has to end it.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If he loses this war, not only will he die, but so will everyone who stands with him.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 112,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.







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