Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
* * * * * 1 votes

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN (YA Fantasy/Adventure) - Critique mine & I'll critique yours!

Fiction Adventure Fantasy Young Adult

  • Please log in to reply
85 replies to this topic

#81 Theo A. Gerken

Theo A. Gerken

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 102 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published
  • LocationEurope

Posted 05 August 2017 - 03:45 AM

 

Since I wasn't improving much on the old draft (post #59, bottom of page 3), I decided to start from scratch again. If this version is worse, please tell me and I'll try to edit my old draft again.

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,
 
After losing his memories because of a spell, all Zadok wants is to live a normal life, but that can never be the case with magic, mythical creatures, and – well – the war.
 
A few monster’s strongholds have some of Zadok’s memories in a box, waiting to be opened. To get his memories back, he must head straight towards the battles. The Millennium – a group of elite warriors that found him – train him for the war, but no one gets him ready for everything waiting for him: the death surrounding everything, the mysteries of the Millennium, and the betrayal from his family.
 
But the more Zadok remembers his past, the more he realizes how much of his life isn’t his. He has been controlled by the enemies on the other side of the battle lines. Every time he gets close to defeating them, they find a way to rob him of all his memories again. This time, Zadok’s determined to end this war. If he wants him and his new friends to stay alive, winning is the only option. 
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a YA fantasy/adventure novel complete at 105,000 words.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

It's not quite hitting home at the moment. It needs a different start, but I can't say what it should look like. So it's like a fantasy memento? That's a very unusual concept. The title is good. Magical Amnesiac might be a good title. Or Magical Flashbacks.


Return the favour?? Link my query here.


#82 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 130 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 06 August 2017 - 12:21 AM

Thanks for the critique, Theo!



#83 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 265 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at prestoncopeland.biz.

Posted 06 August 2017 - 09:26 AM

 

Since I wasn't improving much on the old draft (post #59, bottom of page 3), I decided to start from scratch again. If this version is worse, please tell me and I'll try to edit my old draft again.

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,
 
After losing his memories because of a spell, all Zadok wants is to live a normal life, but that can never be the case with magic, mythical creatures, and – well – the war. 
 
A few monster’s strongholds have ​(tell us why his memories are important, or are everybody's memories captured? You see what I mean.) some of Zadok’s memories in a box, waiting to be opened. To get his memories back, he must head straight towards the battles ​(tell us why there are battles, you can say it in a couple words, but this will briefly tell us about your world and the stakes). The Millennium ​(this is their name. I'd change it to something original, and less associated with time) – a group of elite warriors that found him – train him for the war, but no one gets him ready for everything waiting for him: the death surrounding everything, the mysteries of the Millennium, and the betrayal from his family. ​(wait, his family betrays him, that's a perfect hook, and lead in, in my opinion.)
 
But the more Zadok remembers his past, the more he realizes how much of his life isn’t his. He has been controlled by the enemies on the other side of the battle lines. Every time he gets close to defeating them, they find a way to rob him ​(ok, so this should be in the 2nd paragraph after the hook and you need to be more specific. Memories are a large part of this story, so if you're going to discuss them, we need specific details. Or do not mention them) of all his memories again. This time, Zadok’s determined to end this war. If he wants him and his new friends to stay alive, winning is the only option. 
 
​Ok, so I love the ideas here! Great job, and please don't be frustrated. I know this is another rewrite. Anyhow, you don't have a clear antagonist, therefore there's not a clear contrast. If you're antagonist is the war, it's hard to do, because war is so general. Instead focus on people behind enemy lines who control his thoughts, and focus on only one of them. Isn't there like a key enemy in your story, like "Drago, the memory stealer, or something. It will help the reader understand better.
 
​Hope this helps. --- Please reciprocate at - http://agentquerycon...-book/?p=344616
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a YA fantasy/adventure novel complete at 105,000 words.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#84 ddcash80

ddcash80

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 81 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 06 August 2017 - 10:31 AM

 

Since I wasn't improving much on the old draft (post #59, bottom of page 3), I decided to start from scratch again. If this version is worse, please tell me and I'll try to edit my old draft again.

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,
 
After losing his memories because of a spell After a spell erased his memory, all Zadok wants is to live a normal life, but that can never be the case with magic, mythical creatures, and – well – the war.
 
A few monster’s strongholds have some of Zadok’s memories are scattered --  locked away in monster strongholds in a box, waiting to be opened. To get his memories back, he must head straight towards the battles. The Millennium – a group of elite warriors that found him – train him for the war, but nothing could prepare Zadok for what he must face: but no one gets him ready for everything waiting for him: the death surrounding everything (war is death, so I don't know why would include this), the mysteries of the Millennium, and the betrayal from his family. (this list seems vague, if you could clean it up with more precise words and more explanation, that would help a lot)
 
But the more Zadok remembers about his past, the more he realizes how much of that his life isn’t his. He has been controlled by the enemies on the other side of the battle lines. Every time he gets close to defeating them, they find a way to rob him of all his memories again. This time, Zadok’s determined to end this war. If he wants him and his new friends to stay alive, winning is the only option. stakes seem pretty weak (if he wants to stay alive he must win? that's pretty much a given with any book. Make it more interesting for the final hook)
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a YA fantasy/adventure novel complete at 105,000 words.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Overall it seems like a decent query. You have some nice ideas, I think you need to work on the wording a bit to make it flow better. I put in some suggestions which may help.

 

If you have time, my query is here for critique: http://agentquerycon...iques/?p=344640



#85 Hollyhawk

Hollyhawk

    Hollyhawk

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 16 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 09 August 2017 - 09:19 AM

 

 
After losing his memories because of a spell, all Zadok wants is to live a normal life, but that can never be the case with magic, mythical creatures, and – well – the war. I like the idea of this hook a lot! It could be reworded for clarity though.
 
A few monster’s strongholds have some of Zadok’s memories in a box, waiting to be opened. To get his memories back, he must head straight towards the battles. In the first line, it implies that he doesn't care if he gets his memories back. What changed? The Millennium – a group of elite warriors that found him – train him for the war, but no one gets him ready for everything waiting for him: the death surrounding everything, the mysteries of the Millennium, and the betrayal from his family.
 
But the more Zadok remembers his past, the more he realizes how much of his life isn’t his. He has been controlled by the enemies on the other side of the battle lines. Every time he gets close to defeating them, they find a way to rob him of all his memories again. How? This time, Zadok’s determined to end this war. If he wants to survive alongside his new friends him and his new friends to stay alive, winning is the only option. 
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a YA fantasy/adventure novel complete at 105,000 words.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 Pretty interesting idea! You don't see a lot of amnesiacs in fantasy, I feel like. I think the primary issue is rewording for clarity.


I love reading! Scratch my query and I'll scratch yours?

http://agentquerycon...to-reciprocate/


#86 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 130 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 09 August 2017 - 08:31 PM

Thanks everyone for the critiques!

 

New thread at: http://agentquerycon...ours-in-return/







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Adventure, Fantasy, Young Adult

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users