Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
* * * * * 1 votes

Revision #5! MEMORIES FORGOTTEN (YA Fantasy/Adventure)

Fiction Adventure Fantasy Young Adult

  • Please log in to reply
28 replies to this topic

#1 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 31 May 2017 - 01:01 PM

*The new version is posted below at #24*
 
Dear literary agent,
 
In a magical world where Humans are an inferior species, there’s only two Humans left that can save the world. Zadok is a southern boy who learned to become a fearless warrior. Minerva is a Princess who will stop at nothing to protect her kingdom. But both of them lost everything: their homes, their lives, and their memories. 
 
A dark force lurks in the distance. They want to eliminate Humans from the world, because Humans can become deadly. Before Humans become a too much of a threat, they must become extinct. With Zadok and Minerva out of the way, the dark force has a clear path to destroying the world. If they succeed, not only will there be no more Humans, but the whole world will fall apart one by one. 
 
As their world’s last hope, Zadok and Minerva must remember who they are to grow stronger. The stronger they are, the higher chance they have at stopping the evil. But the more the remember their past, the more terrifying truths are revealed. Such as, the leader of the evil force, Zahi, has been controlling their lives for over a decade. 
 
Memories Forgotten is complete with 117,921 words. Thank-you for considering my work.


#2 AubreyGrace

AubreyGrace

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 48 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 31 May 2017 - 02:35 PM

 

Dear literary agent,
 
In a magical (The query seems to work without this word.) world where Humans are an inferior species, there’s only two Humans left that can save the world. Zadok is a southern boy who learned to become a fearless warrior. Minerva is a Princess who will stop at nothing to protect her kingdom. (If she's a Princess, how is she inferior, wouldn't she be ranked higher? And you said humans are an inferior species, how many other species exist in this world? Is her kingdom full of this other species?)  But both of them lost everything: their homes, (Does this mean she no longer has her kingdom?) their lives, (I'm confused here, are they dead, or do you just mean they lost their old lives?) and their memories. (I'm curious on how they can save the world? How are two humans more powerful then an evil force? What happened to the rest of the humans? Were they all killed?)
 
A dark force lurks in the distance, desperate to eliminate all Human before they become to much of a threat. They want to eliminate Humans from the world, because Humans can become deadly. Before Humans become a too much of a threat, they must become extinct. With Zadok and Minerva out of the way, the dark force has a clear path to destroying the world. If they succeed, not only will there be no more Humans, but the whole world will fall apart one by one. I think you're main problem is wording, your query has a lot of promise and I'm really intrigued, hence all my questions, but it just doesn't give enough to keep me hooked. I think if you explained a little more on how Humans are dangerous, it would give your query more life.
 
As their world’s last hope, Zadok and Minerva must remember who they are to grow stronger. The stronger they are, the higher chance they have at stopping the evil. But the more they remember their past, the more terrifying truths are revealed. Such as, the leader of the evil force, Zahi, has been controlling their lives for over a decade.  I think you should leave this part out, leave the agents guessing! And seeing as you waited until the last sentence of your query to introduce a new character, it seems unnecessary.
 
Memories Forgotten is complete with 117,921 words. Thank-you for considering my work.

 

Take your time, rewrite, reword, decide what's important enough to keep and what can be tossed out. Your novel sounds really interesting, I just wish you gave a little more detail on the plot.


Aubrey Grace Tomlinson


#3 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 31 May 2017 - 10:42 PM

Thank-you for your critique!



#4 Olive K. Aristen

Olive K. Aristen

    O. Aristen

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 101 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:None (YET), though I did win an award for an unpublished manuscript.

Posted 01 June 2017 - 03:06 PM

 

Dear literary agent,
 
In a magical world where Humans are an inferior species, there’s only two Humans left that can save the world. There are only two? Zadok is a southern boy who learned to become a fearless warrior. I don't know your world, so southern doesn't really tell me anything. Minerva is a Princess who will stop at nothing to protect her kingdom. If she's the only one left, how is it a kingdom? Where's the king? How is she a princess of nothing? But both of them lost everything: their homes, their lives, and their memories. This part is a lot of telling. Zadok is...Minerva is. Why did they lose everything? What happened? Why were they spared? I guess I'm a bit confused about how he's warrior if nobody's around. 
 
A dark force lurks in the distance. Very vague. They want to eliminate Humans from the world, because Humans can become deadly. A force is a they? You might want to make this less vague, too. Why can they become deadly? Before Humans become a too much of a threat, they must become extinct. It seems a little odd that two humans would be a threat. What makes them a threat? Why are they even dangerous to this "force?" With Zadok and Minerva out of the way, the dark force has a clear path to destroying the world. This sounds like the "force" has already gotten them out of the way. If they succeed, not only will there be no more Humans, but the whole world will fall apart one by one. Why?
 
As their world’s last hope, Zadok and Minerva must remember who they are to grow stronger. Maybe I'm just cynical, but what about the presence of humans will save the world? The stronger they are, the higher chance they have at stopping the evil. Vague. But the more the remember their past, the more terrifying truths are revealed. Such as, the leader of the evil force, Zahi, has been controlling their lives for over a decade. This isn't really stakes. why haven't you mentioned this Zahi sooner? Maybe you should set this up as him being the obstacle to Minerva and Zadok saving the world? 
 
Memories Forgotten is complete with 117,921 words. First, put your title in caps. Second, round your word count, 118,000 words, for example. Thank-you for considering my work.

 

 

I think the biggest critique I have with your query is that it's vague, and you do too much telling. You kind of lost me at the very beginning she's a princess. A princess of what, if nobody's around? Does this make sense? I think you raise more questions with this query than you answer. Try to follow the outlines for queries on this website; it might help you think through the best way to write it.


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722


#5 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 02 June 2017 - 12:35 PM

Dear (literary agent's name),

 

Zadok was a fearless swordsman and a great friend, emphasis on was. Now Zadok is waking up in the middle of a forest with no memory. A few magical creatures he runs into talk about a bomb and a memory spell that attacked the castle. But that’s impossible. Magic isn’t allowed near the castle. There’s no way.

 

They also speak of an alliance called the Aluros. The Aluros want to eliminate Humans from the world. After Humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, they deserve to die. But the Aluros won’t stop killing even after all Humans are dead. They’ll make sure other creatures become extinct too. But to do that, they must defeat the Millennium, a group dedicated to protecting the world, first.

 

Zadok is still apart of the Millennium even though he doesn’t remember. The group is made up of different magical creatures. In the group, Minerva is the only one similar to Zadok with no memories and no evidence of the magic she once had. Both of them must remember who they are if they want to stand a chance against the Aluros. But the more they remember about their past, the more they doubt everything they’ve ever known.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN, a fantasy/adventure novel of 118,000 words, has four points of view: Zadok, Minerva, Twilla, and Dawn. [Add some personal comments about the agent here.] Thank you for considering my novel.



#6 callalilly

callalilly

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 163 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 04 June 2017 - 02:10 PM

Hi Robin LeeAnn :)

Just a few thoughts...

*Second draft here*

I have a couple of questions too.

     1. Should I mention that the novel has multiple points of view in 3rd person? (I think if you decide to mention multiple view points, than you do so with the intention that you need to. In other words if your query doesn't make sense without explaining that than for sure mention it. But really I think you may go either way with it -there doesn't always seem to be a fast and loose rule with it. If however you do -you could include it at the end -that's where I've seen others do it. For example: "MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel told from multiple characters view points..."

     2. Do I need to use personalized information for each agent such as "I heard you like fantasy novels, so I think this novel is great for you" at the end? I've heard a lot of mixed reviews about it. (Not all writers decide to address queries this way, but if you plan on doing it, than I think you are best to personalize them by doing your research. You show by doing so that you've researched that specific agent and know what they like, which shows that you aren't just sending a copied and pasted query to every agent with the exact same info. But again, this is your choice beginning your query with.)

 

Dear (literary agent's name),

 

Zadok was a fearless swordsman and a great friend (As your hook deals more with himself, I think you can ace out the friend part), emphasis on was. Now Zadok is waking up in the middle of a forest with no memory. (I'd like to play with this if I could. I think by combining these sentences you have more flow. I.e.: "Now Zadok is waking up in the middle of a forest with no memory, and all around him the magical creatures are in a panic over a bomb and memory spell that attacked the castle." That's not perfect, but I think it creates more conflict which in a query is great) A few magical creatures he runs into talk about a bomb and a memory spell that attacked the castle. But that’s impossible. Magic isn’t allowed near the castle. There’s no way.

 

They also speak of an alliance called the Aluros -and their desire to eliminate the humans from the world. The Aluros want to eliminate Humans from the world. After Humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, they deserve to die. But the Aluros won’t stop killing even after all Humans are dead. They’ll make sure other creatures become extinct too (If they are punishing humans for mistreating magical creatures, but they continue to kill, does this mean they kill the magical creatures too?). But to do that, they must defeat the Millennium, a group dedicated to protecting the world, first. (Are the Millennium humans? I think it'd be helpful to include what the Aluros are. A alliance yes, but they're not human and they're not magical creatures, so what are they? I think including this will help to highlight the Aluros' desires.)

 

Zadok is still apart of the Millennium even though he doesn’t remember. The group is made up of different magical creatures. In the group, Minerva is the only one similar to Zadok with no memories and no evidence of the magic she once had. Both of them must remember who they are if they want to stand a chance against the Aluros. But the more they remember about their past, the more they doubt everything they’ve ever known.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN, a fantasy/adventure novel of 118,000 words, has four points of view: Zadok, Minerva, Twilla, and Dawn. [Add some personal comments about the agent here.] Thank you for considering my novel.

 

(I think your story sounds fascinating -lots of adventure :) I feel there are items that if explained, would help a lot. Now that might make your query longer, but also more clear. I would really suggest though that you focus on Zadok -if he is your main character, the query should speak more of him. You'll have to explain the Aluros and Millennium, however focus it on him. You open the query with him, so sticking on him as the star of the query I think is key -what happens after he awakes? What is he going to do now? Zadok sounds like your focus, so give him more attention. What I suggest however, is just that -suggestions, so if you don't like please ignore! :) You're the author and you'll know what is best for your query! Good luck and I hope this aids you.)



#7 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 04 June 2017 - 02:32 PM

Thanks for the critique! 

 

I'll focus on flushing out the plot more in the query letter, so it can become more clear. Your questions in the query are helpful to know where to add more information to. Thank you! 



#8 Bluelight

Bluelight

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 12 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 05 June 2017 - 08:35 AM



*Second draft here*

I have a couple of questions too.

     1. Should I mention that the novel has multiple points of view in 3rd person? 

     2. Do I need to use personalized information for each agent such as "I heard you like fantasy novels, so I think this novel is great for you" at the end? I've heard a lot of mixed reviews about it. [Regarding (2), I'm tempted to think that if an agent likes your story and is intrigued enough by your query, some personalized comment wouldn't make much difference. On the flip side, if your story isn't for them---either because it's the "wrong" story for their tastes or they don't like your query---all the personalized info in the world won't change anything. A personalized comment wouldn't hurt, but the more I research/sweat out queries the more I doubt how much personalized comments help.]

 

Dear (literary agent's name),

 

Zadok was a fearless swordsman and a great friend; emphasis on was. Now Zadok is waking up in the middle of a forest Zadok just woke up with no memory, deep in the forest. deep in the forest with no memory. A few Some magical creatures he runs into talk about a nearby mention a bomb and a memory spell that attacked the castle [May be picking nits, but need a word other than 'attacked.' Bombs don't attack. What happened to the castle as a result? Damaged? Destroyed? Transformed into something else? And I'm sure the castle is significant to the good guys. Is there a way to work that into this sentence? Something that hints at the stakes.] But that’s impossible. Magic isn’t allowed near the castle. There’s no way. [Sound like a good story though. How did Zadok lose his memory? How was magic used in a place where such a thing is impossible? I'm wondering about both of these things.]

 

They [Who?] also speak of an alliance called the Aluros. The Aluros want to eliminate Humans [Lower-case? Unless it's the proper name for some clan.] from the world. After Humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, they deserve to die. But the Aluros won’t stop killing even after all Humans are dead. They’ll make sure other creatures become extinct too. [How? If their methods are brutal or unusual, I'd mention how the Aluros operate. Also, work in the word 'exterminate' or 'eradicate']  But to do that, they must defeat the Millennium, a group dedicated to protecting the world, first. [A number of characters/groups in this paragraph. I see why you're doing this, given the multiple POVs. But I wouldn't lose sight of Zadok and his interesting problem (memory loss) from the hook here. Can you focus more on the Millennium and Zadok's role therein? Maybe use that as way to introduce the Aluros as the main source of conflict. Probably some material from the next paragraph could be used here. You may even be able to get by without mentioning the Humans. If the Aluros are hell-bent on exterminating everyone, that's pretty significant already even without mentioning some intermediate group that hangs in the balance. At any rate, I'd keep the focus on Zadok as much as possible. You've already piqued our curiosity about him.]

 

Zadok is still apart of the Millennium even though he doesn’t remember. The group is made up of different magical creatures. In the group, Minerva is the only one similar to Zadok with no memories and no evidence of the magic she once had. Both of them must remember who they are if they want to stand a chance against the Aluros [Why?]. But the more they remember about their past, the more they doubt everything they’ve ever known. [This is a juicy tidbit. Can you be more specific about it? Do they really doubt 'everything?' What exactly are they doubting and how is it an obstacle to thwarting the bad guys? Would you be comfortable hinting at or revealing how Zadok lost his memory in the first place? I have a feeling it ties into what the bad guys are up to.]

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN [Ooo. I like that title!], a fantasy/adventure novel of 118,000 words, has four points of view: Zadok, Minerva, Twilla, and Dawn. [Add some personal comments about the agent here.] Thank you for considering my novel.your time and consideration. 

 

[I definitely think there's something intriguing going on in this story. Just don't lose the thread of it in that second paragraph---although again, I get why you're mentioning these other characters. Hopefully there's something useful in these comments and good luck going forward.]



#9 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 05 June 2017 - 10:57 AM

Thank you for your critique! 

 

I agree with you on the second question. The more I look into it, I don't think personalizing the query letter will do much for me. I probably have the same chance of getting accepted with or without it.

 

I see what you mean with having Zadok more in the query letter. I'm going to work on it today to get more information in (to answer those questions you had) and to put more of Zadok into the letter. I'll probably post an update here later too.



#10 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 06 June 2017 - 12:28 PM

Dear literary agent,

 

A bomb hit the capital of Tempriana, but no one remembers it. The bomb is a distraction for the actual attack: a memory spell. The attack works well, but it doesn’t go as the Aluros had planned it, because Zadok gets away.

 

Zadok, who was a skillful swordsman, escapes right after the memory spell. He doesn’t remember who he is. The magical creatures that helped him escape don’t tell him much about his past. But they do mention that he was in the Millennium, an elite force made up of different creatures to protect Tempriana.

 

The Aluros must stop the Millennium to win the war. After humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of humans. The magical creatures who stand up for the humans will die as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. But the more he remembers about his past, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 113,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____ to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#11 kacimari

kacimari

    Kacimari

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 116 posts
  • Literary Status:published, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Novels: Antithesis (YA Sci-Fi), Reflection Pond (#1), Poison Tree (Reflection Pond, #2) (YA Fantasy). Stepping Stones (YA Contemporary Fantasy). As an editor: Out of the Green: Tales from Fairyland.
    Short fiction in Sucker Literary Volume III,
    Spark Volume VII, and the inaugural issue of Ember: A Journal of Luminous Things.

Posted 08 June 2017 - 01:00 PM

Hi Robin-

 

Some initial comments: Zadok is your MC, correct? I think you should focus the majority of your query on him. I think the whole "I don' t remember who I am" is a really compelling premise. Can you look at the query from his POV only, letting the information fall as it comes naturally instead of dropping it all at the beginning of the query?

 

I'm a little concerned by all the names in the query: Zadok, Tempriana, Aluros, Millenium. It's a lot to take in especially because they are so unusual. In addition, we still have the unnamed magical creatures. 

 

My recommendation would be to focus on Zadok and his struggle while being as specific as possible. Avoid vague language like "everything he's ever known."  As I'm not that familiar with the story, I'll try to muddle through an example.

 

Zadok remembers nothing, not his skill with a sword, not his part in the Millenium - an elite force tasked to protect the capital. The only help he has comes from "magical creatures," and even they are unwilling? unable? to give him more than morsels of his past life. 

 

When Aluros attack? Come for Zadok? Something? ...then _______ happens. (Show me the stakes. What does Zadok stand to lose if he doesn't get his memories? It has to be more than just "the world." Perhaps telling me WHY the Aluros want to destroy humans is a good place to start.) But all is not as it seems because in his quest to ________ Zadok discovers ____________. (Now, show me what stands in his way, ie. the past that makes him doubt everything, but tell me SPECIFICALLY what in his past. Don't leave me hanging, let me into the story otherwise it's nothing but vague generalities.) 

 

Hope this helps!

 

Kacey

 

 

 

 

Dear literary agent,

 

A bomb hit the capital of Tempriana, but no one remembers it. The bomb is a distraction for the actual attack: a memory spell. The attack works well, but it doesn’t go as the Aluros had planned it, because Zadok gets away.

 

Zadok, who was a skillful swordsman, escapes right after the memory spell. He doesn’t remember who he is. The magical creatures that helped him escape don’t tell him much about his past. But they do mention that he was in the Millennium, an elite force made up of different creatures to protect Tempriana.

 

The Aluros must stop the Millennium to win the war. After humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of humans. The magical creatures who stand up for the humans will die as well.

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. But the more he remembers about his past, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 113,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____ to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.

#12 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 10 June 2017 - 09:24 AM

Thank you for the critique!

 

I'll try to focus my next draft more on Zadok to clear things up. The reason I didn't as much this time is because I was taking advice from another writer. I'll write another version with just Zadok and see where that takes me though. Zadok is one of the MC because the story is multiple POV by the way.

 

Also, I tried to limit the new words in the query. (Zadok, Tempriana, Aluros, and Millennium.) Do you think 4 is too much?



#13 loopygoose

loopygoose

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 13 June 2017 - 10:39 AM

Dear literary agent,

 

A bomb hit the capital of Tempriana at some point, but no one remembers it. The truth is, the bomb is was designed as a distraction for the actual attack: a memory spell. While The attack seems a success, it doesn’t go as the Aluros had planned it, because someone escapes.

 

Zadok, a skillful swordsman, (presumably he still is unless he's dead) is helped to escape right after the memory spell hits, meaning he doesn’t remember who he is. The magical creatures, that helped him get away, tell him only that he was in the Millennium; an elite force made up of different creatures to protect Tempriana.

 

The Aluros must stop the Millennium to win the war. ​What war? I thought the Aluros were the baddies? After humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of humans. I'm now completely confused about how magical creatures and the Aluros are in cahoots. You've lost me completely now. You need to slow this down and explain it better. The magical creatures who stand up for the humans will die as well. 

 

Zadok must work with the Millennium to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. This is good. But the more he remembers about his past, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known. Why, what is it about the memories that make him doubt? I may well be more interested in this!

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 113,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Just so you know, I have never read a fantasy/adventure novel so I'm probably way out of my depth here. I was really liking the set up but I became very confused by who is in a relationship with whom. My instincts say that Zadok's personal fight here is the thing that will draw in a reader. Definitely develop that more and clarify who is connected to whom or leave it out.

I would also argue that the sentences are too short and lack stylish flow in the first paragraph, which is why I've done some fiddling of my own. The agent is going to be looking for your writing style and at the moment it doesn't shine through with your first para.  I'm sure that's because you're trying to get the story sorted before you polish it. 

I'll definitely read your next iteration. Well done on something that must be very difficult to boil down! 



#14 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 13 June 2017 - 12:16 PM

Thanks for the critique!

 

I can see what you mean about the flow of sentences. I was told that they were too long from someone else, so I tried to make them smaller. I'll try to find a healthy middle ground.

 

Also, I'll try to explain the Aluros more. The Aluros are Zadok's personal fight, so I'll try to make that more clear.



#15 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 14 June 2017 - 06:10 PM

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything and an entire army wants him dead.

 

A week ago, a bomb hit the capital, but no one remembers it. The bomb was used as a distraction for the memory spell. The attack worked well, but it didn’t go as the Aluros had planned because Zadok got away.

 

The Aluros have been wanting Zadok dead for years. Zadok is one of the last forces standing in their way that can stop them for eliminating all humans. After humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of the human race. Any magical creatures on the humans’ side shall die as well.

 

Now, Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the world – to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses, not only will he die, but every human will die too. After that, the Aluros will not stop killing until every creature against them is dead.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#16 trailerbride

trailerbride

    Northern Scum | Southern Belle

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 61 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I used to run an indie writers collective. Now I don't.

Posted 14 June 2017 - 06:36 PM

Loving the new opening line.

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything and an entire army wants him dead.

 

A week ago, a bomb hit the capital, but no one remembers it. The bomb It was used as a distraction for the memory spell. The attack worked well, but it didn’t go as Unfortunately for the Aluros, had planned because Zadok got away.

 

The Aluros have been wanting wanted Zadok dead for years.

 

Zadok is one of the last forces standing in their way that can stop them for eliminating all humans. -- This sentence is weak and, I think, ungrammatical. Perhaps try something like: He's one of the last protectors of humankind.

 

After centuries of mistreatment of magical creatures by humans, mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of the human race. Any magical creatures on the humans’ side shall die as well.

 

(I think there's too many uses of "humans" too, but I'll leave that to you)

 

Now, Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the world – to restore his memory and his fighting skills

 

So he is one of the last forces standing in the Aluros' way, but there is also an elite force known as the Millennium? If Zadok wasn't a Millennium before the attack, this doesn't entirely make sense. If he was, you should stress that.

 

if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses, not only will he die, but every human will die too. humanity is lost.

 

After that, the Aluros will not stop killing until every creature against them is dead. This doesn't carry the impact you need your last sentence to make. There's no tension in the writing.

 

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#17 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 15 June 2017 - 09:20 AM

Thanks for the critique!

 

Zadok was apart of the Millennium before. I'll make sure that's clear in my next draft. I'll try to have a stronger ending as well.



#18 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 16 June 2017 - 05:02 AM

Hello!  Thank you so much for your feedback!  Hopefully you will find mine as useful as yours was!  

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*

 

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything and an entire army wants him dead. (Cool! Maybe a slight tweak for a little more punch: "Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead.")

 

A week ago, a bomb hit the capital, (silly question, but is it just known as the capital, or does it have a name?  If no other name, you probably should capitalize Capital :smile: ) but no one remembers it. The bomb was used as a distraction for the memory spell. The attack worked well, but it didn’t go as the Aluros (Who are these guys?  Or this entity? can't tell) had planned because Zadok got away. ( so the bomb wasn't just a distraction?  It was meant to kill Zadok too?  And there's something bothering me about it being used as  distraction.  Why have a distraction for a memory spell if they're not going to remember it anyway?)

 

The Aluros have been wanting Zadok dead for years. Zadok is one of the last forces standing in their way that can stop ( choose ONE of these, both is too much) them for from eliminating all humans. After humans mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years, the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of the human race. Any magical creatures on the humans’ side shall die as well. (Should we only be finding out NOW that the Aluros are magical creatures?  Even that is still a little hazy.  The fact that these creatures even exist is a revelation-- as far as we knew, it was just human magic. I feel like maybe a detail about WHY they feel the traitors should die too would be good here.) 

 

Now, Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the world (just the human world?) – to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses, not only will he die, but every human will die too. After that, the Aluros will not stop killing until every creature against them is dead.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Overall: super cool idea. I would love to see a little more of the creatures vs. humans fleshed out a little bit more.  Help raise the stakes/explain the conflict.  Also, I'm still wondering if the Aluros is a collective or a race of creatures.  Or something different?  Hope this helps! 



#19 kaznats

kaznats

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 31 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:https://www.amazon.com/Bottom-Line-Laymans-Guide-Medicine/dp/0875864562 it was published in 2006 by Algora Publishing

Posted 16 June 2017 - 02:33 PM

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok can't remember a thing including why so many wanted him dead. His first memory was waking in a forest surrounded by panicking magical creatures (they really need a name other than creatures or at least a description, I'll refer to them as MC) shouting that the Aluros had bombed their capital. One of the MC did tell him that the Aluros have been trying to kill all humans for  centuries. The Aluros hated humans so much they would exterminate any who even helped a human. Despite the bombing,  Zadok somehow managed to get away with nothing but a sword he could barely carry let alone wield. If he was to survive he needed an ally, a powerful one: the Millennium! The Aluros would never stop until they had  killed everything and everyone who opposed them.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

 

I hope my edit was in someway helpful. Good luck



#20 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 17 June 2017 - 02:07 AM

Thanks for the critiques rccallahan and kaznats! I'll try to get a new draft up soon.

 

Rccallahan: I'll try to get more specific and get that information across. If you're wondering, the Aluros are an army of magical creatures and monsters. Their leader is one of the most powerful creatures alive that has been alive for hundreds of years. Their second in command is also one of the most powerful creatures and is trained to kill. Under them too, it's mostly just an army of monsters they have created. So, they are more of a collective group of creatures.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Adventure, Fantasy, Young Adult

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users