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Revision #5! MEMORIES FORGOTTEN (YA Fantasy/Adventure)

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#21 loopygoose

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:03 AM

Dear literary agent,

 

Zadok cannot remember anything and an entire army wants him dead. (Cool! Maybe a slight tweak for a little more punch: "Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead.")  I AGREE.. AND LIKE THE AMENDMENT. EXCELLENT, I'M HOOKED!

 

A week ago, a bomb hit the capital, (silly question, but is it just known as the capital, or does it have a name?  If no other name, you probably should capitalize Capital  :smile: ) I WANT A NAME TOO. but no one remembers it. The bomb was used as a distraction for the memory spell CAST BY THE MAGICAL CREATURES, ALUROS. The attack worked well, but it didn’t go as they Aluros  had planned because Zadok got away. 

 

The Aluros have been wanting Zadok dead for years. Zadokhw/she is one of the last forces standing in their way that can stop ( choose ONE of these, both is too much)AGREED them for from eliminating all humans. After Human HAVE mistreated magical creatures for hundreds of years AND NOW the Aluros want nothing less than the extinction of the human race. Any magical creatures on the humans’ side shall die as well. WHY? WHO SAYS? EITHER CLARIFY OR LEAVE THIS OUT.

 

THERE IS HOPE IF Zadok works with an elite force tasked with protecting the world the Millennium – (just the human world?) – to restore his memory and his fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses, not only will he die, but every human will die too. After that, the Aluros will not stop killing until every OTHER creature is dead.

 

MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Overall: super cool idea. I would love to see a little more of the creatures vs. humans fleshed out a little bit more.  Help raise the stakes/explain the conflict.  Also, I'm still wondering if the Aluros is a collective or a race of creatures.  Or something different?  Hope this helps! Similar points for me. This is so much better and really starting to be attention-grabbing. 

 


#22 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:19 AM

Thanks for the critique!

 

I'll try to get a new draft of this up by Monday at least, but I'm not sure. I'm glad you have similar points as the others did. It's got to mean that I'm getting close, right? I feel like I've been doing SO MANY of these drafts. But I'm willing to do them all until it's perfect.



#23 loopygoose

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:31 AM

You are getting SO close.  Keep going. It's worth it.  I have great sympathy looking at how far I still have to!



#24 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 11:07 AM

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*
 
Dear literary agent,
 
Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead.
 
A bomb hit the Capital with the intention of trapping everyone inside. It provided a cover for the Aluros, an army of magical creatures, to cast a memory spell on everyone there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider it a failure because Zadok got away.
 
After hundreds of years of humans murdering magical creatures and making laws of where they can and cannot go, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last one. Any magical creature, like Zadok, who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well. 
 
Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but every human and magical creature, who stands with him, will die too.
 
But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known, because the Aluros are doing more than just taking his memories away from him. They are also changing them and manipulating his life.
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


#25 loopygoose

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 04:10 AM

Dear literary agent,

 
Zadok cannot remember anything, including why an entire army wants him dead. Great.
 
A bomb hit the Capital with the intention of trapping everyone inside. It sounds as if the people are supposed to be trapped inside the bomb and not sure if you even need to mention the bomb.  The critical thing is that the spell was cast. It provided a cover for the Aluros, an army of magical creatures, to cast a memory spell on everyone there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider it a failure because Zadok got away. 
 
Like everyone else in the Capital, he has succumbed to the memory spell cast by an army of magical creatures called the Aluros. What's different is that he managed to escape the Capital do you have a different way of referring to it? and, as he is a protector of those who've been targeted, the Aluros are out to get him. 
 
After hundreds of years of humans murdering magical creatures and making laws of where they can and cannot go, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last one. Any if you write magical here it opens up all sorts of questions about why a magical creature is against the others. I'd keep it simple and let the book unveil this. creature, like Zadok, who dares to stand in their way will be killed as well. 
 
Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but every human and magical creature, who stands with him, will die too.
 
But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known, because the Aluros are doing more than just taking his memories away from him; they are also changing them and manipulating his life.
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. Nasty phrase. Don't bother. They know what they've asked for. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
 
This is much better and is really taking shape. I didn't like the clunkiness of the first paragraph so was trying to smooth it out for you. I would try to simplify things by only referring to magical and human where entirely necessary otherwise it's gets very confusing and throws up more questions than you have space to answer in a query. Best to get the Agent reading your work then finding out the full, complex plot. 


#26 Sataris

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 03:40 PM

 

*THE NEW DRAFT IS HERE*
 
Dear literary agent,
 
Zadok can't remember anything. including why Which is problematic, because the same army that wiped his memories army wants him dead. < this would allow you to cut a lot of what follows
 
A bomb hit the Capital with the intention drawing everyone's attention of trapping everyone inside. It provided a cover for the Aluros, an army of magical creatures, to cast a memory spell on everyone there. The spell worked, but the Aluros still consider it a failure because Zadok got away.
 
Do we need to know the bomb part for the query? It seems like we only need to know that they want him dead, and they they've wiped his memories.
 
After hundreds of years of humans murdering and oppressing magical creatures and making laws of where they can and cannot go, the Aluros are determined to eliminate every last one. Any magical creature, like Zadok, who dare to stand in their way will be killed as well. 
 
 
Zadok must work with the Millennium – an elite force tasked with protecting the entire world – to restore his memory and fighting skills if he wants to stand a chance against the Aluros. If Zadok loses this war, not only will he die, but every human and magical creature, who stands with him, will die too.
 
But remembering his past isn’t as simple as it seems. The more he remembers, the more he doubts everything he’s ever known, because the Aluros are doing more than just taking his memories away from him. They are also changing them and manipulating his life. this is a really interesting second hook - i think it might need to be worked in a little earlier though if you want to get it in there, or maybe just a bit more clarification.
 
MEMORIES FORGOTTEN is a fantasy/adventure novel complete with 114,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I am sending ____. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

The stakes here are pretty clear - I've cut a little bit of background that we don't seem to need, but I could be wrong about that. hope that was helpful. If you've got a minute, I'd appreciate you taking a look at my query: the many small deaths of oz



#27 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 10:21 PM

Thanks for critiquing loopygoose and Sataris!

 

I'll work on smoothing out that first paragraph and cutting details. I'm glad that at least I need to cut down info rather than add more info in. I feel like I may be getting somewhere now. Thanks guys!

 

And, Sataris, of course I'll edit your query for you. I'll go edit it right now.



#28 loopygoose

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 01:15 AM

Could you take a look at mine too please. Thanks for all your help. It's really appreciated.



#29 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 11:53 PM

Of course I will, loopygoose!







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