Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

The Dark and Violet (YA Dark Fantasy)

critique first250 YA darkfantasy

  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 Catherine Kraus

Catherine Kraus

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 176 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've had sample work published in The Labyrinth.

Posted 01 June 2017 - 09:28 PM

Hi, all! Thanks for helping. This is the first 250 for my MS I'm in the middle of querying. I'm taking a small break to hammer out some kinks. I'm particularly interested in the second paragraph because that's the one I've rewritten the most... I think I nearly have it (or already have it!) and want some feedback on it. Any other feedback is welcomed and highly appreciated, too! 

 

 

The hand that lived under the bed never truly revealed itself to Evelyn Cummings, and that was fine.
 
It was a fuzzy ball of black static like a knot in a hairbrush when it arrived. Evelyn knew it was one of the stronger ones and that it would grow until it looked like a bedsheet ghost in black. Without words, this black mass, this shadow, was supposed to tell her how death came. Half a face or freshly melted limbs were the most common. The hand was supposed to do this. Instead, it tried to kill her.
 
Evelyn shook her foot against the chair leg and rolled her neck, not wanting to think anymore about the hand that lived under her bed. This is taking longer than usual, she thought. But she was at the hospital, so it was safe to think. But the problem with thinking is that you think… She couldn’t help it, though. She needed to understand before the hand tried to kill her again.
 
The hand appeared in June, a week after the twins left for Fresno. The static bled out from the underside of Evelyn’s bed where dark met hardwood. Each time she walked past, thin wisps reached out, but only ever claimed the white sheets hanging off the bed. It never moved to follow her like some did. It was safe to look at shadows in this early stage; without eyes, they moved unsure over the floor like wind-up turtles. 
 
Evelyn was almost on her bed, just one foot away.


#2 Brittany Astor

Brittany Astor

    Lace, pearls and petticoats

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 64 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 02 June 2017 - 03:01 AM

Hmm, it's very interesting, but I'm still rather confused...

 

I don't get a sense of what is going on enough to care about the fact that it's trying to kill Evelyn, if that makes sense. Evelyn is talking (or the narrator) to the reader as if we are already fully filled in on what exactly the HAND does, or is meant to become, except we're just lost.

 

The first line is great, but then I get totally confused.

 

Half a face or freshly melted limbs were the most common.

 

Most common what?

 

Evelyn knew it was one of the stronger ones

 

Stronger what? This would be a great time to fill in some gaps... like... Evelyn know it was one of the stronger GHOSTS (or whatever the creature is)

 

I feel like there are too many questions and not enough answers, particularly for a beginning.


Budding writer of historical YA fiction...


#3 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 130 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 03 June 2017 - 01:40 PM

So I'm interested, but I'm confused. I think you need to explain a lot more of what's going on first and then it'll be good.
 
The hand that lived under the bed never truly revealed itself to Evelyn Cummings, and that was fine. Good.
 
It was a fuzzy ball of black static like a knot in a hairbrush when it arrived. Evelyn knew it was one of the stronger ones and that it would grow until it looked like a bed sheet ghost in black. How can a hand grow out to look like a bed sheet? How is that possible? Without words, this black mass, this shadow, was supposed to tell her how death came. That's interesting, but how does it do that?Half a face or freshly melted limbs were the most common. The hand was supposed to do this. Instead, it tried to kill her. Whoa. Crap.
 
Evelyn shook her foot against the chair leg and rolled her neck, not wanting to think anymore about the hand that lived under her bed. If it tried to kill her, is it boxed up under her bed? Chained to something? Knocked out? This is taking longer than usual, she thought. But she was at the hospital, so it was safe to think. But the problem with thinking is that you think…The sentence before is confusing. She couldn’t help it, though. She needed to understand before the hand tried to kill her again. How did it try to kill her the first time?
 
The hand had appeared in June, a week after the twins left for Fresno. Twins? Her kids? Siblings? Cousins? The static bled out from the underside of Evelyn’s bed where dark met hardwood. Each time she walked past, thin wisps reached out, but only ever claimed the white sheets hanging off the bed. It never moved to follow her like some did. She has down this before? It was safe to look at shadows in this early stage; without eyes, they moved unsure over the floor like wind-up turtles. Wait. The hand has eyes?
 
Evelyn was almost on her bed, just one foot away.






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: critique, first250, YA, darkfantasy

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users