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Frozen in Time (YA Science Fiction)


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#1 klnorton

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 01:34 AM

Updated version posted below! Post #14 http://agentquerycon...ction/?p=341229

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to look at my query letter! I'd love any recommendations or comments you might have.

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Personal tidbit or…straight into it

 

Brynn always assumed she’d be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse — after all, four out of five people are. Instead she’s linked with Matthew, the first boy ever frozen for the Linking System. Unfortunately, Matthew didn’t want to be frozen in the first place, and makes it clear he’s not interested in conforming to present-day society. 

 

Unsure if she’s motivated by justice or her growing feelings for Matthew, Brynn commits to helping him find the truth of the Linking System — the truth he attempted to reveal 400 years ago, before his father cryonically silenced him. If Brynn and Matthew fail to uncover answers in time, Matthew will be hanged for treason, and Brynn will be frozen. If they expose the truth, she may lose Matthew, along with her chance at true love. 

 

With the help of the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the Linking System, Brynn and Matthew uncover the answers they need, proving to the nation, as well as themselves, that love is more than a genetic link.

 

FROZEN IN TIME (89k), my young adult science fiction novel, is suited for fans of Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM and Beth Revis’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. FROZEN IN TIME functions as a standalone novel but has series potential.

 

I am a member of the SCWBI and an Educational Consultant for Usborne Books & More. FROZEN IN TIME is my first novel; however, I have also completed and am querying a picture book for new mothers. My primary interest is in young adult science fiction and fantasy.

 

I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript at your convenience. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Karyne Norton


~ Karyne Norton

Facebook: Karyne Norton

 

One reason that people have artist's block is that they do not respect the law of dormancy in nature. Trees don't produce fruit all year long, constantly. They have a point where they go dormant. And when you are in a dormant period creatively, if you can arrange your life to do the technical tasks that don't take creativity, you are essentially preparing for the spring when it will all blossom again. - Marshall Vandruff

 


#2 Brittany Astor

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 06:32 AM

I think this sounds fantastic! As an avid reader of YA, I'm already wanting to pick it up!


Budding writer of historical YA fiction...


#3 sarahaspen

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 10:29 AM

Brynn always assumed she’d be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse — after all, four out of five people are. Instead she’s linked with Matthew, the first boy ever frozen for the Linking System. Unfortunately, Matthew didn’t want to be frozen in the first place, and makes it clear he’s not interested in conforming to present-day society. Wonderful hook! Introduces the main characters, the premise, and some fantastic conflict right off the bat.

 

Unsure if she’s motivated by justice or her growing feelings for Matthew, Brynn commits to helping him find the truth of the Linking System — the truth he attempted to reveal 400 years ago, before his father cryonically silenced him. Great. If Brynn and Matthew fail to uncover answers in time, Matthew will be hanged for treason, and Brynn will be frozen. Why? Did they get caught doing something illegal? If they expose the truth, she may lose Matthew, along with her chance at true love. Again, why? How can exposing the truth bring about these negative results?

 

With the help of the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the Linking System, Brynn and Matthew uncover the answers they need, proving to the nation, as well as themselves, that love is more than a genetic link. This gives away the end (which you do in a synopsis, but never in a query) and diffuses the tension of the stakes. Also, I'm not sure what "love is more than a genetic link" means or what they are proving because I have no idea what prevailing belief in society brought about the LInking System in the first place or what the purpose of cryogenically freezing people is.

 

FROZEN IN TIME (89k), is a 89,000 word my young adult science fiction novel, is suited for fans of Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM and Beth Revis’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. FROZEN IN TIMEfunctions as It is a standalone novel but has with series potential.

 

I am a member of the SCWBI and an Educational Consultant for Usborne Books & More.I would leave off everything after this. If you don't say it is your first novel, they will assume it is, and I believe they are only concerned with other books or stories you have published, not others you are querying. You don't need the line about your interests either. Agents are mainly concerned with what your book is about and writing credentials, publications, and technical experience that may have made you well suited to write this novel. FROZEN IN TIME is my first novel; however, I have also completed and am querying a picture book for new mothers. My primary interest is in young adult science fiction and fantasy.

 

I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript at your convenience. This is assumed, and from my research, it is advised to leave of all unnecessary niceties. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I love this concept and think your query has very strong elements, particularly the start. I would suggest a quick explanation of the purpose and/or ideals behind the LInking System--is there some type of fertility problem?--some sense of time-frame (is this 400 years into the future?) and to clarify the stakes. Your stakes are getting close: what happens if they find the answers or if they don't. But I need to understand the logic behind them to find them believable. It might be good to mention The Romantics before laying out the stakes, but end the query on a tense note rather than telling us that the characters succeed in their quest. With the foundation you have, you are well on your way to an awesome query, and I can already tell the story is awesome!



#4 klnorton

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 12:20 PM

Thanks so much for taking the time to look at this, Sarah! 


~ Karyne Norton

Facebook: Karyne Norton

 

One reason that people have artist's block is that they do not respect the law of dormancy in nature. Trees don't produce fruit all year long, constantly. They have a point where they go dormant. And when you are in a dormant period creatively, if you can arrange your life to do the technical tasks that don't take creativity, you are essentially preparing for the spring when it will all blossom again. - Marshall Vandruff

 


#5 sarahaspen

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 12:40 PM

I'm curious about where you found the conflicting thoughts? Everything I've read says no ending in the query, but yes definitely reveal all plot twists and the ending in the synopsis, if the agent should request one. If you look at agent's websites, some require the synopsis with the query, but others do not. Just like some will want pages, 3 or 10 or 5 or 50, depending, and others want the query and nothing else unless they contact you. Some agent's websites are even so kind as to give query advice or offer links to what should and should not be in the query. Between those, queryshark (check this out for sure if you have not), twitter chats and contests, and other blogs I follow where agents themselves give crits on selected queries, I can assure you: don't include the end. The stakes should leave the query on a tense note. :)



#6 klnorton

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 12:50 PM

I agree that the majority of info out there says NOT to reveal the ending. And yes, I think I've ready query shark from start to finish (although it's been a couple years). But here are a couple places where I found conflicting thoughts. 

 

http://absolutewrite...y-reveal-ending

https://kidlit.com/2...ng-it-all-away/


~ Karyne Norton

Facebook: Karyne Norton

 

One reason that people have artist's block is that they do not respect the law of dormancy in nature. Trees don't produce fruit all year long, constantly. They have a point where they go dormant. And when you are in a dormant period creatively, if you can arrange your life to do the technical tasks that don't take creativity, you are essentially preparing for the spring when it will all blossom again. - Marshall Vandruff

 


#7 klnorton

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Posted 04 June 2017 - 12:30 AM

Here is an updated version. Any more thoughts would be appreciated!

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Personal tidbit or…straight into it

 

Brynn always assumed she’d be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse — after all, four out of five people are. Instead, she’s linked with Matthew, the first boy ever frozen for the Linking System, a government program created for population control and advertised as a genetic matchmaker. Unfortunately, Matthew didn’t want to be frozen in the first place, and when he’s thawed he makes it clear he’s not interested in conforming to present-day society. 

 

Unsure if she’s motivated by justice or her growing feelings for Matthew, Brynn commits to helping him find the truth of the Linking System — the truth he attempted to reveal 400 years ago, before his father cryonically silenced him. After enlisting help from the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the Linking System, Matthew is arrested for treason. 

 

If Brynn fails to uncover answers in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen. If she exposes the truth, she may lose her link with Matthew, along with her chance at true love.

 

FROZEN IN TIME is an 89,000-word young adult science fiction novel, suited for fans of Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM and Beth Revis’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

 

I am a member of the SCBWI and an Educational Consultant for Usborne Books & More. I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript at your convenience. Thank you for your time and consideration.


~ Karyne Norton

Facebook: Karyne Norton

 

One reason that people have artist's block is that they do not respect the law of dormancy in nature. Trees don't produce fruit all year long, constantly. They have a point where they go dormant. And when you are in a dormant period creatively, if you can arrange your life to do the technical tasks that don't take creativity, you are essentially preparing for the spring when it will all blossom again. - Marshall Vandruff

 


#8 GeorgeIsCurious

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Posted 04 June 2017 - 07:48 AM

All in all, good query. I think you should try and work in fewer contractions and answer the questions I pose, and then you should be good to go. Also, is there a main villain? Consider including that...

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Personal tidbit or…straight into it If you are going personal, be sure to include the book info here. Agents want to know why you think it would work right away, otherwise do not personalize.

 

Brynn always assumed she’d (I would caution against to many contractions in a query) be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse — after all, four out of five people are (Why is it four out of five?). Instead, she’s linked with Matthew, the first boy ever to be frozen 400 years ago for the Linking System, a government program created for population control and advertised as a genetic matchmaker genetic matchmaking. Unfortunately, Matthew didn’t want to be frozen in the first place, and when he’s thawed he makes it clear he’s not interested in conforming to present-day society. 

 

Unsure if she’s motivated by justice or her growing feelings for Matthew, Brynn commits to helping him find the truth of the Linking System — the truth he attempted to reveal 400 years ago, before his father cryonically silenced him. After enlisting help from the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the Linking System, Matthew is arrested for treason. 

 

If Brynn fails to uncover answers in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen. If she exposes the truth, she may lose her link with Matthew, along with her chance at true love.

 

FROZEN IN TIME is an 89,000-word young adult science fiction novel, suited for fans of Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM and Beth Revis’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

 

I am a member of the SCBWI and an Educational Consultant for Usborne Books & More. The bio should be with the comp titles. I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript at your convenience.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#9 Bluelight

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 12:08 PM

Here is an updated version. Any more thoughts would be appreciated!

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Personal tidbit or…straight into it

 

Brynn always assumed she’d be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse — after all, four out of five people are. Instead, she’s linked with Matthew, the first boy ever frozen for the Linking System, a government program created for population control and advertised as a genetic matchmaker.[who's the 'genetic matchmaker?'] Unfortunately, Matthew didn’t want to be frozen in the first place, and when he’s thawed he makes it clear he’s not interested in conforming to present-day society. [Can you combine this with a bit from your next paragraph to make Matthew's non-conformity more fully formed? Something like, 'When Matthew is thawed he's uninterested in Brynn (assuming I have that correct), preferring to expose the true nature of the Linking System; just as he had been doing 400 years ago before his father cryonically silenced him.'  I think you have a solid premise for the story, I'd just like know something more about Matthew than non-conformity. Oh, and sorry for inadvertently gutting the following paragraph.]

 

Unsure if she’s motivated by justice or her growing feelings for Matthew, Brynn commits to helping him find the truth of the Linking System — the truth he attempted to reveal 400 years ago, before his father cryonically silenced him. After enlisting help from the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the Linking System, Matthew is arrested for treason. [Is there something you can add about the circumstances of Matthew's arrest? Does Brynn figure into it? Was he tricked? And is there more you can whet our appetites with regarding the Linking System? I find myself reading this and wanting to know more about about it. What if someone doesn't like their linked companion? Can they separate? I wouldn't expect you to answer all those questions (or even those specific questions), I'm just to trying to say that linking seems like an interesting concept.]

 

If Brynn fails to uncover answers in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen. If she exposes the truth, she may lose her link with Matthew, along with her chance at true love.

 

FROZEN IN TIME is an 89,000-word young adult science fiction novel, suited for fans of Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM and Beth Revis’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

 

I am a member of the SCBWI and an Educational Consultant for Usborne Books & More. I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript at your convenience. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#10 eric balson

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 04:21 PM

Here is an updated version. Any more thoughts would be appreciated!

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Personal tidbit or…straight into it

 

Brynn always assumed she’d be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse — after all, four out of five people are. Instead, she’s linked with Matthew, the first boy ever frozen for the Linking System, a government program created for population control and advertised as a genetic matchmaker. Unfortunately, Matthew didn’t want to be frozen in the first place, and when he’s thawed he makes it clear he’s not interested in conforming to present-day society. I'm having a hard time seeing how putting people in stasis and finding for them suitable matches in linked. Do they freeze people for like ten years, and when they come out one of the government agents is like: "Sorry, we've deprived you of ten years your life. To make it all up to you, we'e found a really cute boy you might like"? Also, i don't get how a cryonics program would be advertized as a matchmaker. It's kinda like Tesla try to advertise itself as Tinder.

 

Unsure if she’s motivated by justice or her growing feelings for Matthew, Brynn commits to helping him find the truth of the Linking System — the truth he attempted to reveal 400 years ago, before his father cryonically silenced him. After enlisting help from the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the Linking System, Matthew is arrested for treason. 

 

If Brynn fails to uncover answers in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen. If she exposes the truth, she may lose her link with Matthew, along with her chance at true love.

 

FROZEN IN TIME is an 89,000-word young adult science fiction novel, suited for fans of Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM and Beth Revis’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

 

I am a member of the SCBWI and an Educational Consultant for Usborne Books & More. I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript at your convenience. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Aside from the incoherence of the first paragraph, I'd say the rest of the paragraphs perfectly encapsulate the story's stakes and character choices. Tidy up the first paragraph and I think you'll be good to go

Hope this helps. Please take a look at my own query here (post #48): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-3



#11 klnorton

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Posted 07 June 2017 - 02:06 AM

Thanks everyone for your feedback! I actually decided to start from scratch. I just felt like what I had was safe and not compelling enough. And it didn't emphasize the true conflict as much as I wanted it to. So here's the meat of my latest attempt, which I'm feeling MUCH better about. Any thoughts?

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Brynn Allbrook expects to be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse. It happens to four out of five people, so the odds are against her. After watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, Brynn is desperate for the truth behind the Linking System, the government match-making program. 

 

Instead of being frozen, she’s linked to Matthew Mickelson: the first boy ever frozen, the son of the man who created the Linking System, and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, they commit to solving the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret at the cost of cryonically silencing his own son.

 

The secret is well guarded by Edward Mickelson, the current mastermind behind the Linking System. When Matthew assists in a massive thawing sanctioned by the Romantics, Edward has him arrested for treason. Brynn is left to deal with family betrayal, a thawed and lovesick best friend, and a faction of the Romantics itching for war, all because of the broken system they were desperate to expose. 

 

If Brynn fails to uncover the system’s secret in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen, but secrets that have stayed hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find. 

 


~ Karyne Norton

Facebook: Karyne Norton

 

One reason that people have artist's block is that they do not respect the law of dormancy in nature. Trees don't produce fruit all year long, constantly. They have a point where they go dormant. And when you are in a dormant period creatively, if you can arrange your life to do the technical tasks that don't take creativity, you are essentially preparing for the spring when it will all blossom again. - Marshall Vandruff

 


#12 Erevos

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Posted 07 June 2017 - 08:49 AM

Hello there,

 

Your story's definitely intriguing and you did a great job with the query.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your feedback! I actually decided to start from scratch. I just felt like what I had was safe and not compelling enough. And it didn't emphasize the true conflict as much as I wanted it to. So here's the meat of my latest attempt, which I'm feeling MUCH better about. Any thoughts?

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Brynn Allbrook expects to be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse. It happens to four out of five people, so the odds are against her. After watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, Brynn is desperate for the truth behind the Linking System, the government match-making program. I like it. Gives us the MC, what happens around her and what she wants.

 

Instead of being frozen, she’s linked to Matthew Mickelson: the first boy ever frozen, the son of the man who created the Linking System, and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, they commit to solving the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret at the cost of cryonically silencing his own son. Great so far.

 

The secret is well guarded by Edward Mickelson, the current mastermind behind the Linking System. When Matthew assists in a massive thawing sanctioned by the Romantics, Edward has him arrested for treason. Brynn is left to deal with family betrayal (You mean Matthew's family, right?), a thawed and lovesick best friend, (I assume the best friend you mention in your hook, right?) and a faction of the Romantics itching for war, all because of the broken system they were desperate to expose. 

 

If Brynn fails to uncover the system’s secret in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen, but secrets that have stayed hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find. Great. The stakes are there. You can even reword it a bit, if you like. Something like: "With time running out, Brynn has to find a way to uncover secretes well-protected, else she will have to watch Matthew be hanged and herself frozen."

 

Forgive any mistakes of mine. I think your query works and works amazingly well! I'll be sure to check what others say and comment again!

 


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#13 kacimari

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Posted 07 June 2017 - 11:09 AM

Seventeen-year-old Brynn Allbrook expects to be cryogenically frozen for her future spouse. WHOA! Great hook!! Except, I'm not clear on how she feels to be frozen. Is this what she wants, or no? Give me an idea of whether this is a good or bad thing. It happens to four out of five people, so the odds are against her. <This is where I get confused. The odds are against her because she DOESN'T want to be frozen, correct? After watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, Brynn is desperate for the truth behind the Linking System, the government match-making program. Okay, but why is she desperate? It's not just because of her friend, it's because she herself doesn't want to be frozen, yes? Also, "truth" is very vague here. Give me something specific she is searching for, such as a damning secret she can use to take the Linking System down. This tech all sounds very cool, but you run the risk of it being confusing. They're frozen for someone in the future, correct? Is the Linking System ONLY for being frozen for the future, or does it apply to some who are linked in the present? Clear up all these questions. :)

 

Instead of being frozen, she’s linked to Matthew Mickelson: the first boy ever frozen, the son of the man who created the Linking System, and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, they commit to solving the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret at the cost of cryonically silencing his own son. Okay, good, but I'm not clear what's at stake for our MC. What does she start the story wanting (ie, not to be frozen), and what's in it for Matthew to help her? WHY is he thawed, especially if Daddy froze him to keep him quiet? Seems counterproductive.

 

The secret is well guarded by Edward Mickelson, the current mastermind behind the Linking System. When Matthew assists in a massive thawing sanctioned by the Romantics, Edward has him arrested for treason. Brynn is left to deal with family betrayal, a thawed and lovesick best friend, and a faction of the Romantics itching for war, all because of the broken system they were desperate to expose. This is all too vague. I need specific stakes. Something like, when Brynn and Matthew uncover HUGE JUICY SECRET (tell me! what is it?) Matthew is sentenced to hang for treason and Brynn is scheduled to be frozen. With time moving against them...what happens? 

 

If Brynn fails to uncover the system’s secret in time, Matthew will be hanged, and she will be frozen, but secrets that have stayed hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find.

 

You have an AWESOME premise here, but I think we need to chip away all that clutter to find the true story underneath. I only read this version not the previous one, so as not to be influenced by info I should or shouldn't know. This story feels very plot heavy, so you have to make it specific for Brynn. What does she stand to lose if she can't take down the Linking System? Give me the stakes, specifically, and I'll connect to it a lot more.

 

Best of luck!


Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.

#14 klnorton

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 11:57 PM

Thanks for all the help so far! Here is my most recent revision. I'd love feedback since I'm hoping to send out queries in July. And let me know if you have a query you'd like me to look at!

 

Seventeen-year-old Brynn anticipates being cryogenically frozen for her future spouse, but after watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, she is desperate to avoid the same fate. The government’s match-making program, the Linking System, no longer seems as wonderful as she once thought.

 

Instead of being frozen, she’s accidentally linked to Matthew: the first boy ever frozen, the son of the man who created the Linking System, and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, they commit to exposing the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret at the cost of cryonically silencing his own son.

 

When Matthew assists in a massive thawing orchestrated by the Romantics, he’s arrested for treason. With war looming between the Romantics and the government, Brynn must uncover the proof that reveals the flaws in the Linking System before the boys she’s grown to love is hanged and she’s frozen. But secrets that stay hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find. 


~ Karyne Norton

Facebook: Karyne Norton

 

One reason that people have artist's block is that they do not respect the law of dormancy in nature. Trees don't produce fruit all year long, constantly. They have a point where they go dormant. And when you are in a dormant period creatively, if you can arrange your life to do the technical tasks that don't take creativity, you are essentially preparing for the spring when it will all blossom again. - Marshall Vandruff

 


#15 Sataris

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 10:36 AM

Thanks for all the help so far! Here is my most recent revision. I'd love feedback since I'm hoping to send out queries in July. And let me know if you have a query you'd like me to look at!

 

Seventeen-year-old Brynn anticipates has always dreamed being cryogenically frozen for her future spouse, but after watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, she is desperate to avoid the same fate. The government’s match-making program, the Linking System, no longer seems as wonderful as she once thought.

 

while I agree that you need to detail the linking system here, the last bit about it now longer seeming as wonderful is probably implied by her witnessing how brutal the process is and her wanting to avoid it. We could also maybe use a few details about how she avoids it, or tries to; otherwise you're setting up tension about the freezing then dropping it when it's revealed she isn't frozen below.

 

Instead of being frozen (does she have a hand in this, or does someone else, or is it just random chance? it seems like thawing the one person who holds the secret would be the sort of thing that wouldn't happen by pure chance, she’s accidentally linked to Matthew: the first boy ever frozen, the son of the man who created the Linking System, and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, they commit to exposing the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret by freezing at the cost of cryonically his own son.

 

You could also structure this paragraph as: But when she's paired with matthew, the boy...they commit to exposing the secret that might topple x and y.

 

When Matthew assists in a massive thawing orchestrated by the Romantics, he’s arrested for treason. With war looming between the Romantics and the government, Brynn must uncover the proof that reveals the flaws in the Linking System before the boys she’s grown to love is hanged and she’s frozen. But secrets that have been buried stay hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find. 

I think we can probably assume that matthew is going to work against the Govt, but how early is he kidnapped? generally speaking you're only going want to describe what happens very early in the book. And we know there's a conflict, though I do like the war line. And we already know they're setting out to expose the secret.

 

So you've sorta got three hooks in here: the fact that she desperately wants to avoid being frozen, that she's paired with a kid who wants to topple the govt, and that she falls in love with someone who's life is at stake (and who puts her own life at stake, presumably). But by telling us that she isn't frozen, and that a lot of things happen before she could be frozen again (ie, she has time to be paired up, plot against the govt, fall in love) we kind of lose the tension that created. I like the idea of her constantly fearing being frozen, but I'm not sure that's the hook you want to lead with. Also, if she's just being frozen, the process might be terrible, but she'll survive, right? wouldn't they just want to kill her if her motives were discovered?

 

I really like the first sentence, so it'd be a shame to get rid of it, but I wonder if you could possibly shift the emphasis to the toppling of the govt before they're both killed hook?

 

Hope that was helpful! please let me know if I wasn't clear on anything, that might have come as as sort of rambling. One thing I will say; it's pretty clear that your book has a solid sense of progression in it from this query, which is awesome!

 

 

 

Thank you for the critique!


No current query!


#16 daddude7

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 08:17 AM

Thanks for all the help so far! Here is my most recent revision. I'd love feedback since I'm hoping to send out queries in July. And let me know if you have a query you'd like me to look at!

 

Seventeen-year-old Brynn anticipates being cryogenically frozen for her future spouse, but after watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, she is desperate to avoid the same fate. The government’s match-making program, the Linking System, no longer seems as wonderful as she once thought.

 

Instead of being frozen, she’s accidentally linked to Matthew: the first boy ever frozen, the son of the man who created the Linking System, and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, they commit to exposing the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret at the cost of cryonically silencing his own son. 

 

When Matthew assists in a massive thawing orchestrated by the Romantics, he’s arrested for treason. With war looming between the Romantics and the government, Brynn must uncover the proof that reveals the flaws in the Linking System before the boys she’s grown to love is hanged and she’s frozen. But secrets that stay hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find. 

 

What is at stake if they fail? What's at stake for the Romantics and Matthew? Why are they willing to fight a war over this? On the other hand, what does success look like--why is it important for the Romantics to uncover the government's secrets? I think you want to be more explicit about the "secret"--now, it's too vague to be interesting.

 

 

Hope it was helpful. My query is in my signature line (The Playthings).



#17 kwmags

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 12:52 PM

Seventeen-year-old Brynn anticipates  has been counting down the days until she will be being cryogenically frozen for her future spouse, but after watching the brutal freezing of her best friend, she is suddenly desperate to avoid the same fate. The government’s match-making program, the Linking System, no longer seems as wonderful as she once thought.

 

Instead of being frozen (does she get out of it on her own or is it just on a whim she isn't frozen? if so maybe say.... So when its her turn to be frozen, she reluctantly steps forward, but instead she’s accidentally linked to Matthew: the first boy ever to undergo the procedure (maybe even say 400 years ago??) ,frozen , the son of the man who created and who just so happens to be the son of the creator of, the Linking System. and the poster boy for the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system. When he’s thawed, Matthew enlists Brynn, along with the Romantics, the rebel group fighting against the system to help him to exposeing the four-hundred-year-old mystery behind the system’s creation — the mystery Matthew’s father kept secret, enough to even cryonically silence his own son.

 

When Matthew assists in a massive thawing orchestrated by the Romantics, he’s arrested for treason. With war looming between the Romantics and the government, Brynn must uncover the proof that reveals the flaws in the Linking System before it's too late. tgrown to love is hanged and she’s frozenhe boys she’s . But secrets that stay hidden for four hundred years aren’t easy to find. 

 

I want to read this book! It sounds really interesting. I think you are right there with the query, there were a few things I felt didn't flow. I just made some changes as I read it, no need to change to what I said but thought you'd see some of the things I was wondering/questioning. If you have a moment, I need help with my query, Interchangeable. http://agentquerycon...interchangeable






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