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The Witch's Way (YA Fantasy) Take 2


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#1 NoraP

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 12:07 AM

SEE #4

 

 

 

Trying this again ;)

 

 

 

Dear [AGENT]:

 

 

[PERSONALIZATION] I am submitting for consideration my work THE WITCH'S WAY, an 80,000 word YA fantasy novel that I believe will win over fans of Jennifer A. Nielsen’s The False Prince and Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen.

 

Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O Muireann is good at stealing things--like food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried.

 

Neither fully human nor druid, Gwyn is a witch. Her kind is the only one capable of passing through the barrier that separates the mortal realm from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld, and that has often meant a death sentence. Born on the human side of the border, where magic is equally hated and desired, Gwyn’s been dodging witch hunters and slave traders since she was a child. The telltale red hair that marks her mixed heritage makes her chances of escaping poverty slim, but that's never stopped her from trying to scheme her way into riches. Then she’s kidnapped by a warrior named Nim, and all her plans go to ruin.

 

Nim is a boorish man with a savage temper, determined to cross realms and refusing to tell Gwyn why. Forced to bring him through the barrier, Gwyn is thrust into the Otherworld, where men play gods and spirits whisper of deaths she cannot prevent. The ancient races of druids, faye, and giants are dangerously powerful, and she is traded from captor to captor like a playing card. As every step takes her farther from her world, she’ll have to survive monster-ridden forests, war-torn cities, and cannibalistic tribes to get home. The odds are not stacked in her favor--but she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.

 

 

Thank you for your consideration.



#2 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 09:36 AM

Dear [AGENT]:

 

[PERSONALIZATION] I am submitting for consideration my work THE WITCH'S WAYan 80,000 word YA fantasy novel that I believe will win over fans of Jennifer A. Nielsen’s The False Prince and Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen. Belongs at the end. Start your query letters with a hook.

 

Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O Muireann is good at stealing things - like food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried. Good hook. The "and gods" sounds weird. "And God knows" is more natural.

 

Neither fully human nor druid, Gwyn is a witch. Her kind is the only one capable of passing through the barrier that separates the mortal realm from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld. But that has often meant a death sentence. (Why? Why does that mean a death sentence?) Born on the human side of the border, where magic is equally hated and desired, Gwyn’s been dodging witch hunters and slave traders since she was a child. The telltale red hair that marks her mixed heritage makes her chances of escaping poverty slim, but that's never stopped her from trying to scheme her way into riches. (How does the red hair and mixed heritage make her poor?) But then, she’s kidnapped by a warrior named Nim, and all her plans go to ruin.

 

Nima boorish (boorish? What's that?) man with a savage temper, is determined to cross realms and refusing to tell Gwyn why. Forced to bring him through the barrier, Gwyn is thrust into the Otherworld, where men play gods and spirits whisper about deaths she cannot prevent. The ancient races of druids, faye, and giants are dangerously powerful, and she is traded from captor to captor like a playing card. As every step takes her farther from her world, she’ll have to survive monster-ridden forests, war-torn cities, and cannibalistic tribes to get home. The odds are not stacked in her favor - but she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.

 

[PERSONALIZATION] I am submitting for consideration my work  My novel, THE WITCH'S WAYis an 80,000 word YA fantasy novel that I believe will win over fans of Jennifer A. Nielsen’s The False Prince and Victoria Aveyard’s Red QueenWhy do you believe it will win the fans of those books over? 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Overall, good job. I like how much I got to know your character, Gwyn.

A random thought though: Do we really need to know Nim's name? Does he come back into the story because he seems as if he's there for a glimpse of a second. Since he is mentioned so little, I'd almost take him from the query all together. You can just call him "kidnapper" or so.



#3 NoraP

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 12:09 PM

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll take those into account while working on my next draft =) The question about Nim is valid; his name isn't really essential to the plot. But when I left it out before, I was told it should be included, so I suppose I'll have to figure that one out for myself.



#4 NoraP

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 12:40 PM

Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O Muireann is good at stealing thingslike food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried.

 

Neither fully human nor druid, Gwyn is a witch. Her kind is the only one capable of passing through the barrier that separates the mortal realm from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld. Born on the human side of the border, where magic is equally hated and desired, Gwyn’s been dodging witch hunters and slave traders since she was a child. The abhorrent red hair that marks her mixed heritage everywhere she goes makes her chances of escaping poverty slim, but that’s never stopped her from trying to scheme her way into riches. Then she’s kidnapped, and all her plans go to ruin.

 

Her kidnapper is a brutish warrior who’s determined to cross realms and refuses to tell Gwyn why. Forced to bring him through the barrier, Gwyn is thrust into the Otherworld, where men who play gods are locked in a vicious civil war. The ancient races of druids, faye, and giants are dangerously powerful, and while they battle for dominance, she is traded from captor to captor like a playing card. With every step taking her farther from her world, she’ll have to survive monster-ridden forests, cannibalistic tribes, and the blood feud of the century to get home. The odds are not stacked in her favorbut she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.



#5 Paulsvault

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 11:44 PM

Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O Muireann is good at stealing thingslike food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried. I like this

 

Neither fully human nor druid, Gwyn is a witch. Her kind is the only one capable of passing through the barrier that separates the mortal realm from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld. Born on the human side of the border, where magic is equally hated and desired, Gwyn’s been dodging witch hunters and slave traders since she was a child. <- It may just be me, but something about the structure of this sentence doesn't sit right, feel free to ignore this if you wish. The abhorrent red hair that marks her mixed heritage everywhere she goes makes her chances of escaping poverty slim, but that’s never stopped her from trying to scheme her way into riches. Then she’s kidnapped, and all her plans go to ruin.

 

Her kidnapper is a brutish warrior who’s determined to cross realms and refuses to tell Gwyn why. Forced to bring him through the barrier, Gwyn is thrust into the Otherworld, where men who play gods are locked in a vicious civil war sounds great!. The ancient races of druids, faye, and giants are dangerously powerful, and while they battle for dominance, she is traded from captor to captor like a playing card. <- Maybe find a way to split this sentence? a bit long in my opinion With every step taking her farther from her world, she’ll have to survive monster-ridden forests, cannibalistic tribes, and the blood feud of the century to get home. The odds are not stacked in her favorbut she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now.

Sounds like a great story and I can tell you've put a lot of work into your query. Most of my suggestions are nit-picky, so feel free to ignore if you like. Good luck though, your query looks good!


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#6 lionspaws

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 05:48 PM

Sixteen-year-old Gwyn O'Muireann is good at stealing thingslike food, and jewelry, and her surname. The one thing she’s never been able to steal for herself is a better life. And gods, has she tried. Love it :) The celtic theme grabs me because I love all things celtic!

 

Neither fully human nor druid, Gwyn is a witch.  Her kind is the only one capable of passing through the barrier that separates the mortal realm from the old land of magic known as the Otherworld. Born on the human side of the border, where magic is equally hated and desired, Gwyn’s been dodging witch hunters and slave traders since she was a child. The abhorrent red hair that marks her mixed heritage everywhere she goes makes her chances of escaping poverty slim, but that’s never stopped her from trying to scheme her way into riches. Then she’s kidnapped, and all her plans go to ruin. So witches and druids aren't human? What are they? 

 

Her kidnapper is a brutish warrior who’s determined to cross realms and refuses to tell Gwyn why is this important? Otherwise you could scratch it. Forced to bring him through the barrier, Gwyn is thrust into the Otherworld, where men who play gods are locked in a vicious civil war. The ancient races of druids, faye, and giants are dangerously powerful, and while they battle for dominance, she is traded from captor to captor like a playing card. With every step taking her farther from her world, she’ll have to survive monster-ridden forests, cannibalistic tribes, and the blood feud of the century to get home. The odds are not stacked in her favorbut she didn’t make it this far by playing fair, and she certainly isn’t going to start now. Great ending - I like it! 

 

A few questions this query begs are: if she's a witch and can perform magic, how can a man force her to do anything? Why would she want to leave the world of magic if she's treated so poorly in the other one? And what is her ultimate purpose: getting home (because there's someone she misses, etc)?? 

 

This sounds like a book I would like! I'd love your thoughts on my latest query for TO SAIL THE STARS :) 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#7 NoraP

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:20 PM

Thank you both for your input and kind words! I appreciate the feedback and will definitely take it into consideration when writing my next draft =D






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