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REVISED QUERY - In the Warmth of the Sun (Historical/Women's Fiction)

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#1 PKAdams

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 10:37 AM

Dear (Agent Name)-

 
I am looking for representation for my novel In the Warmth of the Sun.  It is the first book in a two-part series. I am querying you because (I understand you seek histfic, women’s fiction, etc.) 
 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the German abbey of St. Disibod with a dream of becoming a physician. But her new life is nothing like what she had imagined: instead of attending the monastic school she is forced to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, and even when she secures an apprenticeship with the abbey infirmary, it is against a fierce opposition from Prior Helenger who runs the monk’s cloister. As Hildegard struggles to preserve her precarious position as the infirmary assistant, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar, but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When her superior dies, Hildegard becomes the leader of the women’s convent, and Prior Helenger’s persecution intensifies. To save her community, Hildegard begins secret preparations to relocate the convent, even though the move might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule and separate her from Volmar. However, when one of the sisters betrays her trust Hildegard’s plans and her future are put in jeopardy. 

 

 

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is a story of a woman’s aspiration and the societal obstacles she faces in achieving them, and of the strength and determination it takes not to be diverted from the path of one’s destiny. It is complete at 93,000 words. Readers of Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan will enjoy this book.
 
I am including a X-page sample and the synopsis below, and will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. 
 
Sincerely,
Patrycja Podrazik (P.K. Adams)
Twitter @pk_adams 


#2 Aightball

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 03:54 PM

Dear (Agent Name)-

 

 

I am looking for an agent for my 93,000-word novel In the Warmth of the Sun<--- Personal preference, but this should go at the end.  Also, if you're querying the agent, it's redundant to say you're looking for an agent.  Make sure you also research word counts in your genre...this is super high for women's fic!  If memory serves, you should aim for less than 90K words, preferably around 80K words.  It is the first book in a two-part series. I am querying you because (I understand you seek hisfict, women’s fiction, etc.) 

 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the abbey of St. Disibod in the Rhineland to become a novice. She is expected to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, but she has other plans. Despite fierce opposition from the monks, she secures an apprenticeship at the abbey infirmary. but she must also contend with her superior Sister Jutta’s harmful mortification practices. As Hildegard struggles to adapt to her new life, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar. but She decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When Jutta  her superior dies, Hildegard – now the new leader of the convent – becomes the target of increasing persecution from Prior Helenger, the head of the convent (or whatever the prior does). Even though it might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule, and separate her from Volmar, she decides to seek independence. But her decision could put her plans and her future in jeopardy.  [PERSON] is about to betray her, and it could mean [consequences] for Hildegard. However, unbeknownst to her she is about to be betrayed, which may put her plans and her future in jeopardy.  You're giving us a LOT of information in a short burst of space.  The first two sentences are good, I like those.  They give me a idea of when the book takes place and what I can expect of the MC.  But then you start bringing in other characters and things Hildegard is doing and that muddies the waters.  Focus on your MC and what she must do.  From your first two sentences, I feel like she might be a bit of a rebel for her times.  So, give us the first three sentences, those are good.  But we don't know who Jutta is...I've made a suggested change that will let you tel that part of the story without all of the characters.  A lot of people don't know how a convent works and fewer still know how they work in the year 1115, even agents.  See above for some suggested changes.

 

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is a story of a woman’s aspiration and the societal obstacles she faces in achieving them, and of the strength and determination it takes not to be diverted from the path of one’s destiny. It is complete at ____ words. In style and setting, my book is comparable to  Readers of Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan will enjoy this book.

 

I have a master’s degree in European Studies from Yale University, where I served as an editor of Palimpsest: Yale Literary and Arts Magazine. My professional background includes working in book PR and as a copyeditor for a marketing company. I have a blog where I review historical fiction (http://www.pkadams-author.com/category/book_review/ )

 

I am including a X-page sample and the synopsis below, and will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested.

 

Thank you for your time and considerationI hope to hear from you.

 

Sincerely,

Patrycja Podrazik (P.K. Adams)

Twitter @pk_adams (3,600+ followers)

Website: http://www.pkadams-author.com/

 

I think you're of to a good start.   But you can definitely tighten things up and make things flow a little better.  I made some suggestions for you and am looking forward to your revisions!


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screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
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#3 lionspaws

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Posted 12 June 2017 - 05:33 PM

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the abbey of St. Disibod in the Rhineland where is this? to become a novice. She is expected to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, but she has other plans. Despite fierce opposition from the monks, she secures an apprenticeship at the abbey infirmary, but she must also contend with her superior Sister Jutta’s harmful mortification practices. As Hildegard struggles to adapt to her new life, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar, but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When Jutta dies, Hildegard – now the new leader of the convent – becomes the target of increasing persecution from Prior Helenger. She finally decides to seek independence, even though it might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule, and separate her from Volmar. However, unbeknownst to her she is about to be betrayed, which may put her plans and her future in jeopardy. Betrayed by whom and about what? 

 

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is a story of a woman’s aspiration and the societal obstacles she faces in achieving them, and of the strength and determination it takes not to be diverted from the path of one’s destiny. In style and setting, my book is comparable to Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan.

 

You do a good job with character/setting and context right off the bat. I am by no means an expert but this format doesn't seem to fit the traditional query to me, though perhaps it's different for adult historical fiction. It feels more like a list of what happens to Hildegard, and leaves me feeling a little confused. 


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#4 PKAdams

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 09:39 PM

I think you're of to a good start.   But you can definitely tighten things up and make things flow a little better.  I made some suggestions for you and am looking forward to your revisions!

Thank you for your suggestions! They were really helpful. I posted a revision now, so if you would be so kind as to have another look at it, I would greatly appreciate it.

Patrycja 



#5 PKAdams

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 09:41 PM

 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the abbey of St. Disibod in the Rhineland where is this? to become a novice. She is expected to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, but she has other plans. Despite fierce opposition from the monks, she secures an apprenticeship at the abbey infirmary, but she must also contend with her superior Sister Jutta’s harmful mortification practices. As Hildegard struggles to adapt to her new life, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar, but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When Jutta dies, Hildegard – now the new leader of the convent – becomes the target of increasing persecution from Prior Helenger. She finally decides to seek independence, even though it might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule, and separate her from Volmar. However, unbeknownst to her she is about to be betrayed, which may put her plans and her future in jeopardy. Betrayed by whom and about what? 

 

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is a story of a woman’s aspiration and the societal obstacles she faces in achieving them, and of the strength and determination it takes not to be diverted from the path of one’s destiny. In style and setting, my book is comparable to Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan.

 

You do a good job with character/setting and context right off the bat. I am by no means an expert but this format doesn't seem to fit the traditional query to me, though perhaps it's different for adult historical fiction. It feels more like a list of what happens to Hildegard, and leaves me feeling a little confused. 

 

 

Thank you for you suggestions. I think they were really useful. I posted a revision now. 

Patrycja 



#6 Aightball

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 11:20 PM

For some reason your revision isn't showing up...I'll keep an eye out for it, though!!


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#7 PKAdams

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 07:46 AM

For some reason your revision isn't showing up...I'll keep an eye out for it, though!!

It's there on the main query forum, about ninth down (preceded by REVISED QUERY). 



#8 Aightball

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 05:46 PM

It's there on the main query forum, about ninth down (preceded by REVISED QUERY). 

 

Thank you =).  I will take another look =)


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

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#9 Aightball

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 07:14 PM

I think AQC ate your revision...or I'm blind (it's a 50/50 shot at my age, lol!).  Can you post your revision in here and see if it shows up?


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Twitter Hook(s): http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#10 PKAdams

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 09:41 PM

I think AQC ate your revision...or I'm blind (it's a 50/50 shot at my age, lol!).  Can you post your revision in here and see if it shows up?

 

OK, giving it one more try: Here's the revision. Thank you!

 

Dear (Agent Name)-

 
I am looking for representation for my novel In the Warmth of the Sun.  It is the first book in a two-part series. I am querying you because (I understand you seek histfic, women’s fiction, etc.) 
 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the German abbey of St. Disibod with a dream of becoming a physician. But her new life is nothing like what she had imagined: instead of attending the monastic school she is forced to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, and even when she secures an apprenticeship with the abbey infirmary, it is against a fierce opposition from Prior Helenger who runs the monk’s cloister. As Hildegard struggles to preserve her precarious position as the infirmary assistant, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar, but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When her superior dies, Hildegard becomes the leader of the women’s convent, and Prior Helenger’s persecution intensifies. To save her community, Hildegard begins secret preparations to relocate the convent, even though the move might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule and separate her from Volmar. However, when one of the sisters betrays her trust Hildegard’s plans and her future are put in jeopardy. 

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is a story of a woman’s aspiration and the societal obstacles she faces in achieving them, and of the strength and determination it takes not to be diverted from the path of one’s destiny. It is complete at 93,000 words. Readers of Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan will enjoy this book.
 
I am including a X-page sample and the synopsis below, and will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. 
 
Sincerely,
Patrycja Podrazik (P.K. Adams)
Twitter @pk_adams 


#11 Aightball

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 11:11 AM

 

OK, giving it one more try: Here's the revision. Thank you!

 

Dear (Agent Name)-

 
I am looking for representation for my novel In the Warmth of the Sun.  It is the first book in a two-part series. I am querying you because (I understand you seek histfic, women’s fiction, etc.)   Cut the first part.  Agents know you're looking for rep =).  And mentioning a series is usually a no-no.  Most agents want a book that can stand alone but COULD go further if it was popular, etc.  I'll show you how to word that in your ending, where it should go.
 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the German abbey of St. Disibod with a dream of becoming a physician. But her new life is nothing like what she had imagined: instead of attending the monastic school she is forced to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, and even when she secures an apprenticeship with the abbey infirmary, it is against a fierce opposition from Prior Helenger who runs the monk’s cloister. As Hildegard struggles to preserve her precarious position as the infirmary assistant, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar, but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When her superior dies, Hildegard becomes the leader of the women’s convent, and Prior Helenger’s persecution intensifies. To save her community, Hildegard begins secret preparations to relocate the convent, even though the move might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule and separate her from Volmar. However, when one of the sisters betrays her trust Hildegard’s plans and her future are put in jeopardy.   You've done a good job of the story.  But we need a little more.  This paragraph is good, but you need one more that outlines the stakes:

 

If Hildegard doesn't do A, then B might happen and that will be C as a consequence.  You want good strong stakes, something that's different from every novel out there in your genre.  Right now, your stakes are very generic and could match about any book I've ever read.  The hard part is to make your book stand out in not only your genre, but from other books in general.

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is Historical Fiction complete at 93,000 words (you need to edit the story and bring that word count down!!). Readers of Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan will enjoy this book.
 
I am including a X-page sample and the synopsis below, and will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. 
 
Sincerely,
Patrycja Podrazik (P.K. Adams)
Twitter @pk_adams 

 

 

Got it!

 

 

Good revision!  I still made some suggestions within as there are still some changes you can make, but over all, I think you did a good job.  It sound like you have a good story, now you just need to sell that to us (and agents, eventually).  I'm looking forward to your revisions!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Twitter Hook(s): http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#12 PKAdams

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:08 AM

Got it!

 

 

Good revision!  I still made some suggestions within as there are still some changes you can make, but over all, I think you did a good job.  It sound like you have a good story, now you just need to sell that to us (and agents, eventually).  I'm looking forward to your revisions!

 

Thank you. This is really helpful, and I feel like this query is finally coming together. Here's my latest rewrite:

 

Dear (Agent Name)-

 

I am querying you because (I understand you seek histfic, women’s fiction, etc.)   .

 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the German abbey of St. Disibod with a dream of becoming a physician. But her new life is nothing like what she had imagined: instead of attending the monastic school she is forced to live in seclusion in the women’s convent, and even when she secures an apprenticeship with the abbey infirmary, it is against a fierce opposition from Prior Helenger who runs the monks’ cloister. As Hildegard struggles to hold on to her precarious position, she falls in love with a fellow novice named Volmar, but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When her superior dies Hildegard becomes the leader of the convent and begins secret preparations to seek independence from the abbey, even though it might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule and separate her from Volmar. However, when one of the sisters betrays her trust and the monks plot to block her move, Hildegard must look for help outside the walls of St. Disibod. If she fails, she will be forever banned from working as a physician, and the convent will slide into obscurity under the monks’ increasingly brutal control.

 

In the Warmth of the Sun is complete at 90,000 words. Readers of Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan will enjoy this book.

 

I am including a X-page sample and the synopsis below, and will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 



#13 Litgal

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 04:12 PM

Going to insert my gut reactions here in blue :) Sounds like a good read!



Thank you. This is really helpful, and I feel like this query is finally coming together. Here's my latest rewrite:

 

Dear (Agent Name)-

 

I am querying you because (I understand you seek histfic, women’s fiction, etc.)   .Don't lead with this. Put it in your closing paragraph--take me right into your world with your hook. Also don't bother to tell an agent you are querying them for a reason unless you have something specific to say. Otherwise you are telling them something that is plain on its face--like they represent historical fiction and you write historical fiction.

 

In the year 1115 young Hildegard arrives at the [personally I would put the name of the order here particulary as below it becomes unclear if the convent is tied by order--I have edited assuming it is] German ​[you don't need German particularly as techically there is no "Germany" at that period] abbey of St. Disibod with a dream dreaming of becoming a physician. Were she a man, she might attend the monastic school, but instead But her new life is nothing like what she had imagined: instead of attending the monastic school she Hildegard must is forced to live in seclusion at  in the women’s affiliated convent. [Right now this query reads, and then this, and then this--as if you are reporting. Think book copy, infuse with drama, suspense and emotion] But her desire to heal is not so easily thwarted. By force of will and against fierce opposition from the head of the male monastic order, [we SO do not need his name] , sheand even when  Hildegard secures an apprenticeship with the abbey infirmary. Then, as she struggles to hold on to her hard fought position, it is against a fierce opposition from Prior Helenger who runs the monks’ cloister. As Hildegard struggles to hold on to her precarious position, she falls in love with a fellow novice [you need to say either nun or monk here because the name does not tell the 21st century reader the love-interest's gender] named VolmarThe attraction is strong, but her passion for healing is stronger, so Hildegard chooses holy vows over Volmar. , but decides to take her vows because that is the only way she can continue to practice medicine. When her superior  the Mother Superior dies Hildegard becomes the leader of the convent succeeds her, and begins secret preparations to seek the Benedictine sisters' independence from the abbey,. even though it might put her in breach of the Benedictine Rule and separate her from Volmar.[doubtless true but not what we are wondering at this moment--we are wondering WHY? What is at stake here--why does Hildegard want this for herself and her fellow nuns? When you show us that in a pithy sentence then the betrayal and the cliff hanger over wether or not she will succeed MATTERS to us] However, When one of  her holy sisters betrays her Hildegard's trust and the monks plot to block her move, and Hildegard must look for help outside the walls of St. Disibod. If she fails, she will be forever banned from working as a physician, and the convent will slide into obscurity under the monks’ increasingly brutal control.

 

In the Warmth of the Sun [titles are italicized and you always state the genre] is complete work of historical fiction (at 90,000 words). Readers of Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth, Noah Gordon’s The Physician, and Donna Woolfolk Cross’s Pope Joan will enjoy this book. I am seeing your representation because [insert reason here otherwise leave this off entirely]

 

Per your submission guidelines I have included X below. Thank you for your time and consideration. I am including a X-page sample and the synopsis below, and will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested. [they are well aware that if they call you will jump].

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 


Lit. (aka Sophie Perinot)





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